Soul Service, Inc.

"Five doors down the hall - it's on your left."

"Uh, thank you? Five doors down the hall and on your left," I repeat the apparent post-gift greeting to him.

"It was our pleasure, I assure you," he grins widely.

Less talk, more action. I bolt out the door.

...

I bound downstairs to only a minor disturbance from others volunteering to contribute to my happy hollow weenie. I exit the domicile and re-enter the street.

I'm unfortunately stopped by another set of creatures with domed, bald heads nearly glowing in the artificial light. They wear odd uniforms and are making unusual noises.

"Peter? Dick? But, Rod, you look different - well, all of you, you seem, vaguely familiar..." I stammer looking them up and down, confused at the unclear memory that I might've seen these fellows before and try to call them by such names.

"We are from France!" one of them intones, shaking more of those aluminum liquid conveyances in a plastic ringed pack of six.

"Oh, sorry," I say to them. Then I remember, "Happy hollow weenie! Here - fill these. Stay safe. Stay healthy," I repeat the unused gift sack exchange phrase, handing them several of my unneeded hollow weenies.

"Dudes! If sex ed had been presented this way, by a naked chick, I'd always use a condom."

"Shut up, man! Coneheads don't say 'dude.' But I'm not going to fucking disagree with you," the second member says staring at me.

I give my parting gesture, single finger raised, and rapidly egress from the situation, "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on."

I hear them laughing as I depart. I have brought them merriment with my gifts.

I round the corner to my exit from the street, intent on isolating the previously noted heavy metals. I quickly acquire them hidden under piles of debris and guarded by nervous little furred creatures, which bolt with mere sight of me. If only more adversaries would be so smart, I'd have to hurt far fewer people.

I spin around ready to speed back to base camp when I collide with a solid individual.

Fuck.

"Rose? Rosie? I don't believe it..."

Double fuck.

Hey, he's sort of cute. I'm sorry, he was showing up as a...

"Hello, HANK," I indigently say to him, ignoring my auditory link assessment of him. "Long time no see. I hear you're with them," the coldness is obvious in my voice with the last word.

"ROSEE, no one calls me Horny And Nerdy Kid any more. But I can see from your lovely attire, you're still the Remote Organic Sexually Enhanced Entity I always knew."

Oooo! I like it. Why hadn't I thought of that one?

"Fuck you, he's an ass. And fuck you, too, Harold. What happened? You were so smart in ops training, you could've been someone."

"Wait - you're here with a SWETI?" His jaw drops. "How'd you afford to buy a System Wide Enhanced Technical Interface?"

What? Buy? Buy! No, you're right. He's an ass.

"You're a fucking SPOOK. You work for the wrong side. Like now - really, do you have to be packing a fully prepped disruptor?" I disdainfully spit back at him.

"System Protection Of Outside Contamination is a mission critical endeavor..."

"Your agency can't even spell it right, let alone get it right."

"You're just upset I got a scholarship out of your front-line, grunt-land destiny and into the U. And get off your high horse, you were fucking me to pass your xeno-courses."

"And you had me fucking your supposed friends to fuck them up before exams so you could land top scores easier."

Fuck him up, Rose. Less talk, more action.

For once, I have to agree with her. I slip my thumb up against the side of his head and set the scramble to low - maybe I did still care for him. The discharge pops my hand off his head, the sharp tingles of pain end at my wrist - I feel nothing in my hand.

"Neural screen - prevents the unauthorized use of scramblers on our agents. Huh, I would've thought they'd teach you military apes that sort of thing."

My neuromuscular repair units have already been activated. They're showing enhanced ability with Sweetie's assistance in re-aligning and cleaning up the damage - I can almost feel my index finger already.

My other hand balls into a fist and shoots out into his groin area, meeting nothing but smooth flesh and nothing more than a soft grunt from him like I've punched him in the gut.

"Body conditioning and training. We can consciously retract our gonads just inside our body for protection. Nice try, though. Seems you've learned a few local customs."

Luckily he's spent time talking, which gives me time to prepare for what I know has to be coming. His left cross catches me in a glancing blow across the cheek, I move with it waiting for...

And there it is, the gut punch with disrupter set to immobilize from the report I'm getting back from my already primed nano-layer. I slump onto my legs as if he got the charge into me. Nice to know he's still following standard procedure.

"I'll get them to go easy on you since the society contamination was minimal and the landing unplanned."

"What about Sweetie?" I try to breath hard while I'm slowly, painstakingly getting back to my feet, trying to time this.

"Your SWETI has to go back to JAG impound - we found it's ID while you were fucking up your hand."

"They'll kill her." I snap back at him, almost too coherent for my part I'm supposed to be playing.

"That's their job and decision. Mine is to complete the assignment and neutralize you both."

"It's murder."

"It's a machine, Rose. A fucking smart machine. That's it." He has a hard look on his face.

"She's my partner, and my friend. And a lot better fuck than you ever were."

"You only wi..."

He never even finishes his sentence. My thumb presses against his crotch, scrambler back charged to minimum, but it reports the comforting discharge confirmation signal.

Instantly the bulge in the front of his suit shows everything has dropped external. Wow, I didn't know he got off on being an ass - a partial erection. Nice target.

My knee shoots up again, this time contacting flesh, gonads, and other items on it's trip upward. It would seem those nerves that conduct pain from danglies to brain are pretty tough, because he got the message from downstairs quite rapidly.

This looks vaguely familiar - head bending forward, my hands reaching for his ears - wait - broken nail. I am not letting this ass break another one of my nails. Upper cut, poorly aimed, but good enough for Spook to meet the ground in an unconscious heap.

Now this one you should've broke his face. Are you okay, Rose?

"Yes, just pissed. I can't believe I ever..."

I know, sweetheart, but, please, now's not the time. What's your ETA? I know they're coming, they keep sending pings and it's getting closer.

"Eleven, maybe twelve minutes at double-time. I won't let them hurt you, Sweetie."

Thank you. Please hurry. And Rose? Thank you for calling me 'Sweetie.'

...

I pop through the hatch, out of breath, feeling like I'm out of time.

"Please tell me Ranson got everything up-linked and you're busy..."

"I've been converting and decollating the whole time, just without a good source material, on some parts, it's slow going, especially the compromised..."

"Presents from the Hollow Weenie celebration, Sweetie!"

"Oh, thank the maker. You're wonderful," she's genuinely giddy as I drop our liquid gold into the sequencing unit.

"I've heard that more than once."

"Actually, we both have," her voice seems to have lost a significant amount of tenseness.

"You remember the time we almost drove that one insane?"

"How was I to know he had a second brain down there?" She sounds genuinely offended - probably that pacifist defect she has.

"And he kept yelling, 'Suck off! Suck off!' You misunderstood, so you kept sucking him off - so hard his nut actually started to enter his reproductive unit?" I start to laugh until I can barely finish my sentence.

"We saw that bulge at his base and you panicked and tried to blow it back in," the giggles start to infect her as well.

"Hey, it worked."

"Too bad he was unconscious to experience it all. He had two of the universe's hottest females and he dozes off."

"I'm pretty sure his lack of wakefulness was due to other causes. And, Sweetie? I love you."

"I love you to, Rose."

"Let's get this almost lost soul to his new home. Bring up inverter coils; power conduits from stand-by to full, Sweetie."

"All systems nominal, we have solid green. And Rose? Don't call me 'Sweetie.'"

Everything is right again with the universe.