tagHumor & SatireSpace Police Corps Ch. 02

Space Police Corps Ch. 02


"Two hours to the Tauk System, sir," relayed Screw to Atwat over the comlink. "We will drop out of N-Space in one hour and we should be above the elliptical plane of the planet."

"Very good ... I'll be up shortly."

Needa sighed. The three week trip from Earth to Tauk had allowed the crew to become more cohesive in working with each other. Even their science officer, DeKunt, was managing not to pass out at least one quarter of the time he caught sight of Hump, their nudist engineer. The Garou, Cummin, had fit in, although it was still hard to believe that he was a medical officer.

Still, Lieutenant Atwat remained a mystery to Needa. She knew he was brilliant, a genius in fact, but he never lorded his intellect over anyone else. If fact, he was downright stupid about certain things. She could not understand why he was so hidebound and fanatical about Space Police Corps rules and regulations.

Atwat had memorized everyone's service record, but Needa knew he did not know that DeKunt was called Bashful Berry or why he was called that. She shook her head as she remembered that he placed Hump's nudism as a practicing religious rite. He was not even aware of her own over-developed body, which was the cause of most of her problems. Needa sighed again, which strained her too tight uniform.

"What's the matter, dear?" asked the ship's computer through Need's console. "That's too sighs in less than a minutes."

"It's nothing, Miss Poppins," said Needa. "Just a little stir-crazy. It'll be good to get of the ship for a couple of hours."

"Yes, dear," replied the computer before shutting off.

"And yet another example," thought Needa. "Our ship's computer was left on for years by itself and went crazy. It has Miss Poppins, the English nanny, Madame Tart, the strumpet, and another personality they're both afraid of. Luckily, the third one hasn't shown up yet. I asked Atwat to wipe the memory and start fresh. He stated that the Commissioner personally gave us this ship and that the computer must have been designed to function this way to best serve our needs. Therefore, no modifications are necessary."

Needa was half-tempted to get Bashful Berry to wipe the computer's memory when they arrived at Tauk. Two things were stopping her. The first was that she would be doing an end-run behind Lieutenant Atwat's back. The second reason went deeper. More than ninety years ago, scientists heralded their newest breakthrough in cybernetic systems. Self-aware with independent programming capabilities, the new robot was hailed as the ultimate tool of civilization. The new robots went into production and were purchased throughout the sphere.

Within a month of initial shipments, reports filtered back to Earth of death and destruction caused by the robots. The first reports were scoffed at by the scientists as people having 'Frankenstein' paranoia. A few went so far as to say the robots were superior to humans, who were just expressing their inferiority complex. Unfortunately, it became all too clear that the robots were out to annihilate mankind. Star Command turned all its assets, including the Space Police Corps, towards the eradication of the Roboids, as they were now called. After numerous battles, the Roboids were defeated, except for very few isolated pockets that escaped destruction. Deprived of the energy they needed to survive, the remaining Roboids turned to a vampiritic existence, taking energy from any source they could find ... even living beings. Needa decided to have another go at Atwat about the ship's computer. She then heard the hatch hiss open behind her.

"Like, this ship is such a kludge," she heard Aye Wanna Hump say behind her. "Do you think our illustrious spokesman for the oppressive regime will allow us lowly workers time to do repairs on Tauk?"

"If you mean, Lt. Atwat, I doubt it," replied Needa. "The mission comes first. I've been trying to get him to let Berry wipe the computer's memory at Tauk."

"May the benevolence of the Gods shine upon your endeavor," intoned Aye Wanna as she came around in front of Needa, who was sitting at the helm station. Aye Wanna's curly red hair hung down to her waist and she was wearing her silver circlet on her forehead. A blue diaphanous scarf was tied around her waist and that was all she was wearing. The scarf, being see-through did not hide a thing.

"It must be the three weeks of being cooped up together," thought Needa. "Her nudity doesn't even bother me anymore."

"What are you doing up here on the bridge, Aye Wanna?" asked Needa.

"You need to relax ands let go of your inhibitions," said Aye Wanna. "Release yourself from the tight barriers that confine your spirit."

Needa smiled. She almost felt like taking Aye Wanna up on her suggestion. Ever since the Academy, someone had made her clothing size too small in the Quartermaster's computer file. With her voluptuous shape, Needa always seemed like she was going to burst out of her clothing at any time. Needa knew if she told Atwat that she had converted to nudism, he would let her prance around the ship in her birthday suit without saying a word. However, it was not in her nature to run around naked, and with her tits being three times as large as Aye Wanna's, Needa knew Berry DeKunt would be in a faint all the time.

"No, what really brought you up here?" she asked Aye Wanna again.

"Bad vibes," replied Aye Wanna with a shrug. "I felt something was wrong with our illustrious leader's command chair." She walked around to the rear of the ship commander's chair, bent over, and cracked open the access panel in the back. "Aha! The relay to the helm hookup is about to short out."

Just then the hatch hissed open again, Needa glanced up over her shoulder just in time to see Berry standing there. He caught sight of Aye Wanna's heart-shaped ass and cunt sticking out right in front of him. His face went blood-red and his eyes rolled back in his head just before he crashed to the deck in a faint. The hatch hissed closed with a thump and then hissed open again.

"Bummer, I thought he'd gotten over that," commented Aye Wanna, looking back as the hatch hissed close and open again. She turned back to the access panel, replaced the bad relay, and closed the panel door.

"You're a Technic, aren't you?" asked Needa as the hatch thunked close and open again. Technics are a group whose psionic abilities were geared to machinery and technology. The rare people who possessed psionic powers fell into three categories; Technics, Biotechs, and Mutates. The Biotechs abilities were linked to biology and psychology. The Mutates, the rarest of the three, had paranormal powers. The hatched hissed close and then opened again.

"Like, fer sure," replied Aye Wanna with a smile. "My PMS, Psionic Measurement Score, which should not be confused with our weapon's Plasma-Mercury System, was so high, the testers could not believe it. Of course, I get irritable every month."

"That's only to be expected," said Needa.

"I'd better wander back to the engine room before we come out of N-Space," said Aye Wanna.

"Fine," said Needa as the hatch closed and opened again. "Oh, can you move Berry's head out of the doorway before it gets hit again?"

The Dildo materialized out of N-Space into realspace over Tauk's orbital plane, but outside the gravity well of the system.

"Um, I don't think there are any ships in the system," reported Berry, who was sitting at the science station on the bridge. Sensors were flickering off and on at irregular intervals.

"Very good," replied Lance from the command chair. "Ensign Screw, best speed to Tauk."

"Aye-aye, sir," responded Needa as she prepared to engage the Quasi-drive or better know as the Q-drive.

"You called?" asked Q in a snooty manner.

"Wrong series, sweetie," replied Madame Tart.

"Oops, sorry," and Q blinked out.

"Sir, we're being hailed," said Needa.

"Over the speaker," ordered Lance.

"Unidentified ship!" blared a female voice over the speaker. "This is the Dreadnaught Vigilant! Stand by to be boarded!"

"Aw, shit!" muttered Needa as the Dildo shook as a tractor beam locked onto it.

"Rear view," ordered Lance.

The viewscreen linked to show the rearview of the Dildo. The entire screen was filled by a gray metal structure with three huge tubes pointing straight at the Dildo. Needa and Berry gasped when they realized the tubes were a tri-ERG cannon battery.

"Quarter magnification," said Lance.

The view retreated back from the ERG cannons until the other ship came into sight. The Dreadnaught was a premier fighting ship with numerous ERG batteries and arrays of missile launchers. It also carried four single-seat fighters in its launch bay. It was immediately obvious that the Vigilant had just seen some hard action.

"Short range sensors back on line, dears," announced Miss Poppins. "Oh, my! Ship to the stern, distance eighty-six meters ... It's the S.C. Vigilant, Dreadnaught class."

"Open a channel," said Lance, unperturbed by the weapons pointing at his ship or by the closeness of the other ship. Normal detection range is ten dets or 500,000 kilometers. "This is the SPC Dildo on a search and rescue mission, Lieutenant Lance Atwat commanding."

"The SPC what?!?" snarled the female voice over the speaker. "Is this your idea of a joke? Your vessel is not listed on our registry and you almost collided with us when you came out of N-Space."

"I'm not joking," replied Lance in earnest. "This is the SPC Dildo and I am Lieutenant Atwat. This ship was recommissioned four weeks ago and is too new to be on the registry. Can we offer you any assistance?"

"Atwat? Atwat!" cried out an excited, shrill male voice over the speaker. "Ma'am, blow him out of the sky! Obliterate him! Don't let him get close!"

"At ease, Commander Fyuer!" barked the female voice.

"If that is Commander Taylon Fyuer, I served in his command once," offered Lance. "He's a Trilax. I hope your feathers have grown back in, sir."

"Shoot! Shoot! By all that you hold dear, shoot!" yelled the male voice.

"Get a hold of yourself, Commander!" ordered the female voice. "Lieutenant Atwat, I'm Captain Pussie T. Screw. We had a run-in with a Sniz colony. I appreciate your offer, but we will still be boarding your ship to check you out."

"Yes, ma'am, I'll be waiting for you at the entry hatch," replied Lance before signing off. "Captain Screw..." he mused. He turned towards Needa. "Your mother, I believe?"

"Yes, sir," replied Needa with a grimace.

"Well, I certainly can't deny you seeing your own mother," stated Lance cheerfully. "Come with me. Ensign DeKunt, you have the bridge."

"Sir, I really don't think this is such a good idea," said Needa as she followed Lance to the ship's entry hatch.

"Nonsense," relied Lance. "You and your mother must have made tremendous sacrifices to serve in space. An encounter like this must be relished."

They stood together by the main airlock for several minutes. Presently, there was a metallic thud as the two ships came together and locked in place, airlock to airlock. Lance punched in the code to allow the hatch to be opened from the outside.

The airlock swung upward into the hull of the Dildo. Four Space Marines in combat space armor and S-harness quickly entered the ship and fanned out. Two were carrying neuro-distruptors and the other two were carrying splat rifles. Needa kept perfectly still. The neuro-distruptors would stun them, but the splat rifles were like big shotguns, firing ten rounds at one time. No matter what type of ammo was loaded in those rifles now, Needa was sure that one blast would turn both of them into blood pudding.

"Attention!" called out Lance and both of them snapped into that rigid position.

Two beings followed the Marines through the hatch. The first was a human female, who was an older version of Needa. She was just as stacked as Needa was, but without the too tight of a uniform and with silver eagles embroidered onto her collar. The second being was a strange bird-like creature with three legs and three arms. Three eyes on rotating eyestalks jutted out from the top of its red, blue, and yellow feathered body. Its eyes swiveled around to lock onto Lance and Needa saw that one of its three-fingered hands held a blaster.

"Present Arms!" ordered Lance.

Needa snapped her arm up to salute and felt the stitching of her uniform give way around her right breast. Two buttons also popped off the front of her blouse. The bird-like being was lifting the blaster to point it right at Lance. The Marine to the being's right dropped his mouth open and his eyes popped wide at the expansive cleavage and flesh showing out of the tears in Needa's uniform. The Marina's hands tightened in response as if he was grasping her chest. The trouble was his finger was on the trigger of his weapon.

A bright blue sparkling bolt of energy shot out of the end of his neuro-disruptor and hit the bird-like being just as the blaster was coming in line with Lance. The being squawked loudly and shook violently as electric bolts danced over and through its body. A second later, the charge dissipated and the being collapsed to the deck. The blaster he had been holding skittered across the floor to hit up against Captain Screw's boot.

Captain Screw's steely gaze took in Lieutenant Atwat, her daughter, the weapon by her boot, and the unconscious being on the floor. Her face transformed into a mask of disapproval as she snapped back the salute.

"Order arms!" commanded Lance. He then stepped forward irregardless of the weapons pointing at him. "Captain Screw, I am Lieutenant Atwat. I believe you know my executive officer."

"Ensign Screw," acknowledged Captain Screw as her cold gaze took in the too-taunt Space Police Corps uniform. "The S.P.C.?"

"Transferred for the good of the service, ma'am," replied Needa, trying to hide the tears in her uniform and the flesh bulging out.

"Fortune certainly smiled on her that day," commented Lance, which brought a shocked look from Needa and an arched eyebrow from Captain Screw. "How may we be of assistance? We have a doctor and an engineer if you have need of their services."

"They both will be needed, but I need to commandeer your..." Captain Screw looked around in distain. " ... ship. Our ship's computer managed to find its specifications in our ancient archives. This type of ship has not been produced for a century and a half."

"We will be honored to provide what assistance we can, but I am afraid you can not commandeer this vessel," stated Lance.

Captain Screw stood perfectly still and her cold eyes seemed to freeze over as she looked at Lance. Needa desperately wished she was anywhere else. It appeared that the Marines felt the same way as they shuffled their feet nervously and backed away from her and Lance.

"What did you say?" asked Captain Screw coldly.

"I believe I informed you that we are on a search and rescue mission," stated Lance nonplussed. "By regulations, very few incidents take precedence over that. The Sniz are a xenophobic insectoid race with a hive-mind mentality. The fact that you are here is proof that you destroyed the colony. To commandeer the Dildo would result in non-completion of my mission and an inquiry when we arrive back at Earth."

Captain Screw stood still for several seconds. She then bent down and snatched up the blaster. Straightening up, she tossed it to one of the Marines.

"Corporal, you and your men can return to duty," she said. Captain Screw then indicated the being on the floor. Please take Commander Fyuer to his quarters. The effects should wear off by then."

"Yes, ma'am," replied one of the Marines. Two of the Marines picked up Commander Fyuer and all four of them beat a hasty retreat.

"You are correct, Lieutenant, and I'm not ready to face that type of inquiry yet," stated Captain Screw. "I had to try, though. The Sniz put up one helluva fight. Our engines are barely functioning. I won't push them past 1g acceleration. We have system and structural damage over several decks. I contacted the Planetary Governor, Greezee Sleeze. I don't expect any help from him."

"Why not, ma'am?" asked Lance. "As planetary Governor, it is his duty to render assistance to all Space Command ships."

"He's claiming that as a backwater planet, there is a scarcity of parts and supplies. I'm sure the price tag for the ones we can get will be astronomical."

"Ma'am, at your ship's reduced speed, it will take you 52.67 days to reach Tauk. My ship can be there in under three hours. I propose that we stay with you for a short time and give what assistance we can. My crew and I will then proceed to Tauk and procure the critical items you need and ferry them back."

Captain Screw pursed her full lips together as she thought over Lance's proposal. She then Said, "It sounds good to me, but won't it impede your rescue mission?"

"Your ship is clearly in distress, which is covered by the regulations," answered Lance. "While I could not let you commandeer my ship, it is my responsibility to offer you any and all aid until you are self-sufficient."

"I accept your offer," said Captain Screw. "You'll excuse me if I don't expect to get much help from Tauk, but you are welcome to try."

"Sir, do you mind if I get changed?" asked Needa as she felt another stitch go in the back of her uniform shirt.

"After we have taken your mother on a quick tour of our ship," said Lance, who did not notice Needa's disintegrating uniform. "That is, if you would like to see the Dildo, ma'am?"

Captain Screw sort of choked on the way Lance phrased the question. Not hearing a denial, he took it that she would like to see his vessel and led the way forward to the bridge. Berry was sitting at his science station.

"Captain Screw, this is Ensign DeKunt, my science officer," said Lance, introducing the two of them.

"Ma'am," squeaked Berry as his face went white from the sight of Needa using both hands to hold the front of her uniform over her two basketball-size tits. He quickly looked down, totally absorbed in his console.

"Ensign DeKunt, I need a list of ships and their cargos which are scheduled in and out of Tauk within the next sixty days," stated Lance. "Also, go back a year and look for patterns for unscheduled vessels. One or two tramp freighters may have forgotten to file the required paperwork."

"Yes, sir," replied Berry, keeping his eyes averted from Needa as the trio left the bridge.

"He seems to be dedicated," stated Captain Screw. "How did he get that bruise on his head?"

"He had a little trouble with space sickness, but he is recovering," answered Lance. "Ah, Ensign Cummin, may I introduce Captain Screw?"

Yu was coming towards them in the gangway. Captain Screw began barking and yipping to which Yu responded in the same language. They spoke for about thirty seconds before Captain Screw stopped and her mouth dropped open.

"Medical officer!?!" she exclaimed aloud.

"Yes, mehical officer," repeated Yu in resigned tones of someone who has repeated it a thousand times before.

"I beg your pardon. I did not mean to offend," apologized Captain Screw.

"It is alright," replied Yu. "I am a rarity among my people."

"Your crew is a diverse lot," stated Captain Screw to Lance as they headed towards the engine room.

"The Corps assigned me their best and brightest for this important mission," extolled Lance, who did not see Needa roll her eyes behind him.

The three of them entered the main engine room and Captain Screw stopped dead in her tracks at the sight of a naked, frizzy-haired, red-headed woman running back and forth between an engineering console, power distribution panels, and sets of control switches. Aye Wanna flicked the last switch and the light s dimmed a little.

"Ensign Hump, what are you doing?" asked Lance.

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