Spellbound

I wanted those fingers, needed them. I wanted to feel them spreading my pussy lips wide apart and enter me, give my body what it was so desperately seeking. My back arched and I pushed my hips forward, meeting the gentle pressure, pleading for the hunger that was growing ever more inside of me to be satisfied.

A longing mewl of pleasure left my trembling lips as the fingers finally slid inside of me, my wet, warm folds enveloping the digits, and my muscles clenching around them. I started rocking my hips, the motion heightening the powerful sensations that the fingers provoked.

My breath came out in sharp little gasps, and my own smell surrounded me, mingling with Jade's. It was a scent rich with femininity and sex, with longing and sensuality. It pushed me so much closer to the edge.

"Do you want to cum for me, sweetie?"

Jade's voice was hypnotizing, coaxing the hunger inside of me to rush to the surface, my whole body tensing with the impending climax. I imagined how Jade's silky hair would feel against my skin as she leaned over me, kissing my breasts and taking a puckered nipple between the delicate bow of her lips.

"Cum for me sweetie, just let go. I know you want to, don't you?"

Her teeth grazed my sensitive flesh ever so lightly, her words reverberating through my head.

"Oh, yes Jade, yes I want to cum for you. I want to cum for you and love you and..." My voice broke, my eyes stinging with tears that somehow belonged in the tender sensuality of this moment.

"Fuck, Jade I want you. I fucking want you so much it hurts."

I slid my fingers out of my sex, my muscles clenching around them, not wanting to let go. Soon my throbbing clit was covered in my own wetness and I circled the sensitive bundle of nerves, my finger brushing over it and rubbing, tugging.

Then the orgasm crashed over me. Every muscle in my body tensed, my legs were stretched out on the bed, and all I could think about were Jade's lips pressed hungrily against mine. I could feel her tongue parting my lips and invading my mouth, demanding the kiss I was so desperate to give her. Every nerve in my body was crying out with an exquisite longing that pumped euphoria through my veins.

"Ohh Jade, fuck..." I moaned, my hips jerking and my sex clenching around my fingers.

It was a quick, churning wave of pleasure that left me trembling and breathless.

When the intensity of my climax started to fade, an intense wave of guilt swept over me. It dashed the satisfaction spiraling through me only moments ago, leaving me feeling hollow.

I had thought of Jade's tender touch, about her beautiful, slender body pressed against mine. Thinking of her had brought me to a climax that had been more intense than I had ever experienced before while thinking of a man.

What had I done...?

Journal entry, 24 September 2011

Today was shit. Actually, shit is a huge understatement. I checked, but no one has yet thought of a word that describes something so fucked up as this day has been. Remind me to think of one, maybe it will make me rich and there will be at least something good about this day.

Okay, fine, I'll tell you. But if you laugh, I swear I'm not above flushing you down the toilet.

Well, so it started out pretty good. I already handed in my paper, and I actually thought it was a shame that it wasn't supposed to be more than 20 pages. I could have kept writing about it, but then again, I've always loved psychology. I know that's pretty surprising, considering I can't even seem to make sense of the disarray that my own mind has become over the months, but that isn't my point.

Actually, maybe that is why I would rather focus on other people and try to help them out. At least then I don't have to face my own crappy life and find solutions. I think psychologists call that elusive behavior, or something along those lines. Remind me to look that up, later.

Right, so I was telling you about my day. The first part wasn't bad at all. Ellie finally dumped that douchebag of a boyfriend, and she seems to be handling it quite well. I have been able to convince her to go out tomorrow night with the girls, and I plan to cheer her up a little. Hell, maybe she'll even pick up a cute guy at the club and she'll be over douchebag in no time.

But the last part, the last part sucked. I stayed late because I wanted to make sure they hadn't found that jacket that I lost last week, and when I was about to go home, I saw Hannah talking to Connor.

She seemed disquieted, and she looked like she was about to start sobbing when Blondie joined them and kissed Connor right in front of her eyes. Seriously, how bitchy is that? I don't think Hannah is really over him. Her reaction is proof enough of that.

Maybe it is childish, but I couldn't stand to see her so distressed. I wanted to both comfort her and get as far away from there as possible, just so I wouldn't have to see the look on her face. Even when she is upset, she's gorgeous. She was almost in tears, and all I wanted to do was kiss that delicious mouth and be with her. It makes me feel like a perv, feeling the urge to do things like that to her when she is so upset. Hell, even if she wasn't, I couldn't make a move on her. She is always going after the guys, and the masculine ones at that. But God, I want her.

Sometimes I wonder what she would say, if she ever found out how I feel about her. Hell, I have even started taking the same classes this year, just so I can watch her. That's bad, right? I'm pretty sure that's bad.

So I was just having a pity party, all by my lonesome self, and guess who shows up? Yep, the girl who I have had a crush on for over a year.

No, it is not even a crush, or infatuation for that matter. I have never felt this way. She touches something deep within me that I thought had been lost, dead. But it is still there, and she knows how to get to it. She both reminds me that love is not just a myth that I should have discarded a long time ago, and she twists and turns every shard that remains of my heart. She completes me and she breaks me a little more every day. Is that even possible?

She told me about what happened with Mr. Jerk, and before I knew it, I had my arms around her. The way she feels in my dreams, doesn't even come close to reality.

I could smell her, that is how close she was. It was a light, sweet fragrance. Not sweet like bubble gum or anything, but lighter, sensual. It was beautifully feminine and I felt like I could have drowned within it, within her. I wanted to press my lips to hers, and never let her go. Her body felt so natural against mine, and for a moment, I even truly thought that she was feeling the same way I did right then. There was a certain tension in the air, tenderness within the way her head fit so perfectly in the hollow between my shoulder and my neck.

But then, something changed. It was like she became aware of what she was doing, and felt disgusted with herself for acquiescing to her desires and losing her inhibitions. Her entire body tensed, and she awkwardly asked me what had been on my mind previously. It makes me wonder how long she had been watching me before I noticed her.

What was I supposed to tell her? That she is everything that I dream about?

I am infatuated with her, with the graceful way she moves, and with the adorable way she bites her lip when she is feeling contemplative. Every tiny inflection of her voice is a clue to me on how she feels, and I can read her eyes as if they were a book especially written for me. But I couldn't tell her all those things. They will probably always remain a secret that gnaws on my heart, that drives me literally insane with longing. But I couldn't tell her, so I switched to ice queen mode and I walked away from her.

It was probably the most childish thing I could have done. I was being irrational, and now I won't even be able to daydream about her anymore without wanting to sink through the floor and never, ever be seen again. I just blew my only chance of at least becoming a friend to her, if not her lover. I destroyed my only chance, just because I was unable to confront my own fears, just like I always do. It's why my life is such a damn mess. It is why I will always remain a little broken, deep inside.

Part 2

The incident with Jade kept bothering me for the remainder of the night, and when I got up in the morning it was still there. I had missed something, but no matter how much I strained my mind for clues on what it could have been, I couldn't figure out what had triggered Jade's strange behavior.

I tried to get ahold of her that day, but my attempts were fruitless. I wasn't sure if she was avoiding me on purpose, and I planned to find out after class, but I didn't get the chance.

According to her friends, Jade hadn't been to any of that day's classes, and it was somewhat disconcerting. I wondered if her absence had something to do with yesterday's encounter, but wasn't sure what it could possibly have been. Had I told her too much? Did she think I was a drama queen, or a whiny baby for that matter? But if that was the case, then that still wasn't a reason for her to remain at home. If anything, it would be a motivation for her to gossip about it with others.

Jade was not that kind of girl, though. I didn't know her very well, but I knew that much. She always seemed to be determined to be there for people, not give them the cold shoulder or make their life miserable on purpose. Something just felt out of place, but it also felt somewhat over the top to stop by her apartment and make sure she was doing okay.

I decided to wait it out until the next day. If I still hadn't seen her by then, I would inquire about her number with one of her friends, or stop by her apartment. Perhaps somewhat irrationally, I felt guilty for her absence. As if somehow it was my fault.

"Hannah!"

Tara wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug, and she was literally bouncing with elation. I was used to my friend being overly enthusiastic, but even for her this behavior was somewhat over the top.

"What got you in such a euphoric state?"

She cocked her head slightly, her eyes filled with the same joy that almost radiated off of her.

"Guess what?"

I frowned in mock concentration, simultaneously trying to release myself from Tara's embrace. The people that stood behind us were mumbling in irritation, and I realized that we had been blocking the hallway for several minutes now. I pushed her into a deserted classroom, placing the stack of books that I had been carrying on a table beside me.

"So, what is it?" I asked curiously.

"No, you have to guess!"

"Okay, fine. Are you pregnant? Are you about to run off to Vegas and get married? Wait, I know what it is—you've won the lottery!"

Tara laughed, and shook her head.

"I'm in love, and I'm going to see him again tonight! By the way, you're going with."

"Wait, what?" I asked, my mind reeling.

Tara and I were pretty much similar when it came to relationships. Real love was nothing more than a myth, a fairytale. It didn't exist, and that didn't really matter. It didn't mean that we couldn't have fun; we were just too realistic to believe in something so far-fetched. The way I felt about Connor had been a lot stronger than I had felt about anyone else by a long shot, and still, that hadn't been the overpowering, thrilling kind of rush that so many people were still seeking and truly believed existed.

"Yes, he's soo cute!" Tara said, stretching out the words for extra emphasis and gesturing excitedly. "Like, oh gosh you should see him! Anyway, he texted me that he'd be at the club tonight, and I'm so going!"

Her ebullience finally seemed to fade a little bit, and she looked at me quizzically.

"You're going, right?"

I groaned inwardly, not at all in the mood to spend most of the night watching my best friend with her newest crush while I clung to the wall, trying not to be noticed. In such a big crowd, I couldn't help but withdraw within myself. Where some people became claustrophobic when in a tight space, I couldn't help but feel that way when I was around so many people at once, their bodies all seeming to press against me from all angles, suffocating me.

Tara knew that, and the fact that she hadn't picked up on my discomfort only showed how caught up she was in her euphoria. Usually she simply respected those invisible boundaries that I had put up around myself, and didn't push me to go with her and the rest of the girls when they went out.

Perhaps I should just go for a little while, if only to give my friend some mental support. Besides, it might just keep my mind off Jade.

"No, of course I'll go with you," I told her, willing my lips to form a smile. "What time are we leaving?"

The moment I entered the club, I knew that I shouldn't have accepted Tara's invitation. Loud music thrummed through my veins, the droning beat reverberating through my entire body. It was obvious that Tara was really trying to get me to mingle with people and enjoy myself, but it wasn't working. I felt cornered, pressured into sharing the enthusiasm of the dancing and laughing crowd. I just wasn't feeling it.

Just when I was seriously debating on how to leave without placing Tara in an uncomfortable position, someone lightly touched my shoulder.

"Hannah?"

Have I ever said Jade looks stunning? Well, that certainly would be an understatement for the way she looked right then.

A black dress clung to her gentle curves, a tiny silver pendant dangling just between her small breasts. Again she wore high heels, and again they made her legs look incredibly long and slender. The silky curls that spilled about her shoulders only accentuated her sensuality. She was... amazing, breathtaking.

"Usually don't see you here sweetie, feeling audacious?" She asked, raising her voice so I would be able to hear her above the pounding music.

"Had to keep Tara company while she seduces her newest hottie into coming home with her," I replied, my eyes scanning the crowd. I didn't spot my friend amidst the sea of thrashing bodies that occupied the dance floor.

"Your friend is the cute blonde, right? The one in the red dress?"

Jade leaned in a little closer, the music making it quite a challenge to have a proper conversation. She smelled like cinnamon again, and her scent reminded me of the way I had touched myself the night before. A rosy pink hue crept up my cheeks, and I hoped Jade wouldn't notice my sudden embarrassment.

"Yes, that's Tara." I nodded, suddenly very self-conscious.

"I think I just saw her go outside with someone. Lucky girl, he sure is yummy."

I smiled, not very worried about Tara in the least. She wouldn't get herself into trouble, even if I wasn't there to keep an eye on her. At least, not the kind of trouble she didn't want to be in.

"Come on, let's leave. It's damn loud in here, and the hotties are already taken, anyway." Jade said, gesturing to the exit. "I could give you a ride if you don't have a car."

I smiled gratefully. Tara had been the one driving, and calling a cab would cost me at least 20 dollars. That was 20 dollars I couldn't really afford to spend. Besides, I wanted to talk to Jade about the previous day. She definitely owed me at least some kind of explanation.

"Kay, that'd be great."

I followed the slender brunette to where her car was parked, and slid in beside her. She seemed to have returned to her usual, cheerful manner, and I was relieved. Maybe it would make this conversation easier.

"So uh, what happened the other day?" I inquired, gazing out of the car window.

Having this conversation was one thing, but I sure wasn't going to look her in the eyes at the same time. That was, especially for me, much too audacious. Being so straight to the point wasn't exactly one of my strongest assets, and the strange tension that I felt when I was around Jade sure didn't make things any easier.

"What are you talking about? It was getting late, and I just needed to go home. That's not a crime, is it?" She replied, and I could imagine her scowling at me.

"Jade, let's not pretend that I'm dumb, alright? I know that it was more than just wanting to go home. You suddenly became extremely distant and withdrawn, without any reason that I can see. Just cut out the bullshit and tell me what's up with you."

I couldn't help but sound irritated. I might not know the woman beside me very well, but I sure wasn't about to let her explain her eccentric behavior by giving me such a lame excuse.

"You don't waste time sugarcoating things, do you?" She asked, but she didn't sound mad, or even annoyed.

She sounded resigned.

"Let me get to my place, and you can come in for a drink. If by then you still want to know what happened the other day, I'll tell you. Sounds like you won't leave me alone anyway, unless I give you an explanation."

That's right. Clever girl for figuring that out so quickly. I definitely wasn't going to let this go.

There was still something that I was missing, but I was hoping Jade would clarify things once we got to her place. If she felt more comfortable doing that surrounded by her own things, in her apartment, I could live with that. I just wanted to know what was going on.

The rest of the way home passed by in silence, neither of us in the mood to say much. The lights of the other cars outside slid by, briefly illuminating the delicate features of Jade's face whenever that happened. She seemed lost deep in thought, her eyes focused on the road.

I didn't want to disturb her, but she didn't seem to notice me gazing at her. I was glad she didn't.

"Tea?" Jade asked, the door of her apartment closing behind us with a soft click.

"Yeah, some tea would be great."

I looked around the spacious room, my eyes taking in every little detail. It was nice, totally Jade.

Where my own apartment was extremely well-organized, her things weren't tucked away so neatly. Piles of books occupied literally every inch of the wooden shelves that seemed to almost break under their weight, and even the table wasn't devoid of magazines and papers, they were scattered across its surface.

Opposite a wall that seemed to consist almost entirely of two enormous picture windows that looked out over a sea of tiny lights that I imagined to be the city, a comfortable-looking couch was positioned. A quick glance counted at least 10 pillows, making it almost impossible for anyone to find an empty space on the soft cushions.

"Can I dump some of that huge pile of pillows on the floor?" I called to the kitchen.

"Sure."

Jade returned, taking a seat beside me and placing two large mugs of steaming liquid on a table nearby.

"Alright, I'll just get on with it. I uh... I'm nervous." She said, sneaking a quick glance at me.

I smiled at her encouragingly, even though I wasn't exactly sure what the encouragement was for. If she had thought me to be too whiny the other day, then she could just say so. No need to get all the way to her apartment and make tea, right?

I was getting the impression that this conversation wouldn't at all go the way I was expecting.

"Hannah, I..." she trailed off, snatching the mug up from the table and cradling it in her trembling hands.

The fragile Jade was back. It worried me.

"Jade, nothing you're gonna say is going to make me run out the door, okay?"

I hoped I wouldn't regret that promise later on.

"Okay," she replied, her eyes downcast.

I had always deemed myself a little socially awkward, especially when it came to comforting people. Yet, seeing Jade's brown eyes filled with such trepidation made me want to do something to make her feel more at ease. Should I pet her back? Should I give her a friendly hug?