Sprung Ch. 08

The only fly in the ointment was that I was beginning to suspect that Dave knew what I was up to. His requests for sex had dried up, he was putting little effort into romancing me, and I'd started to see large, unexplained money transfers. They were from his business account and after the second one, I asked him what they were for and he looked guilty and acted evasive. I talked to Michael about what a PI could discover, and we modified our behaviour slightly. We'd never been affectionate in public. Yes, we went to dinner together on our work trips, but so what? That's what colleagues would do. Just to be safe, the next trip we ate separately. We always had separate rooms. For the conference, we decided on adjoining rooms with interconnecting doors. With no public displays and no being seen going to each other's rooms, we were safe. Planting bugs or cameras in hotel rooms was about as illegal as they come in our country.

Still, the idea that Dave was suspicious, made me worried. The idea of not having a long-term future with him was terrifying. I knew that if I looked him in the eye, I would know. Trouble was, my conscience just wouldn't allow me to do that. If he looked in my eyes, HE would know. I ached for relief from all the worry and built the trip away with Michael large in my mind. He organised visits to clients on the way down and back. That way five days was stretched to twelve.

I was very nervous about telling Dave about my decision to travel and left the discussion until the Monday before the conference. It was a disaster. I'd forgotten that the first weekend I'd be gone was the kids' soccer finals. Dave then compounded the body-slam by reminding me it was our twentieth anniversary the following week and told me he'd organised for me to have the week off and booked us a 're-connection' holiday on the same cruise we'd taken our honeymoon on. He'd even been to see my supervisor, who'd said that I was only scheduled to go on some boring conference, so I was effectively missing nothing.

I was wild. I needed this break from home and the last thing I needed was seven bloody days on a cruise ship with someone that, while I loved him to death, I couldn't look in the eye. I thought fast. I now knew the unexplained transactions on his account were probably non-refundable cruise tickets, so I suggested that my boss had it wrong and the company higher ups were dangling a promotion in front of me if I upskilled at this conference. I did offer to go on the cruise the following month, though. He didn't fight my decision that much, just said the cruise dates were locked in, shrugged and walked away to make a coffee. The argument stopped there as the kids came home before he returned from the kitchen. I let the kids know about my trip away but told them I could modify it slightly to attend their finals. They shrugged also and told me not to bother.

That night, Dave cornered me, and we had what is known as a free and frank exchange of views. He requested I get checked out by our GP for early menopause or other medical conditions that affected a woman's libido. I assured him our lack of intimacy was only a phase. He suggested couples counselling, I said I'd consider it. He suggested my recent concentration on work was killing us and almost insisted on counselling. I used my tried and true method of ending the discussion, suggesting it was unfair of him to not support my career when I had helped lift him to the success he was today.

The last thing I needed was to sit with Dave and a counsellor, baring my soul. No, stall him until the affair had run its course, then things would get back to normal.

I left for my trip on Thursday and we did call on a few clients on the way. Our lovemaking at night was very energetic as I for one worked off some stress. Saturday night, I rang home to find that Allan, my eldest, was now part of a grand final winning team. Jenny's came third. I was proud of them but disturbed at the same time. They both played for top ranked teams and knew they had a good chance at the number one spots. Yet neither seemed to give a shit whether I saw their triumph or not. The realisation that things needed to change battled with my desire to supress thinking like that. The ostrich won.

When I checked in on the Thursday night, the kids revealed that their dad was working late at the office. They passed on a message from him. 'Happy anniversary'. I frantically tried to get Interflora to deliver some flowers, but it was way too late. Calls to his cell went unanswered. Michael came into my room at that point and distracted me.

When I mentioned the cruise after I got back, Dave just shrugged and told me Julie and her sister had used the tickets. When I suggested I organise an anniversary dinner inviting some of our friends, so I wasn't alone across the table from him, he shrugged again.

When I thought about it, his behaviour was consistent with him knowing, or strongly suspecting, about my affair, so I redoubled my efforts to hide things. I became almost obsessive about it. Years later, a counsellor would theorise that I was making the affair almost an alternative marriage. I don't know if I ever accepted that. What I did accept was her idea that I was losing respect for my husband. If he couldn't see what was happening right under his nose, then he must be retarded. I tried to defend him saying I was being really smart, and he trusted me to the point that he would never suspect what I was doing, but I had to grant that she may have been right. The one suggestion she made that I knew was absolutely spot on, was that I had lost all respect for myself. I was in a loop I couldn't escape. I felt bad at home because of my behaviour with Michael. I was drawn to Michael to escape spending time at home. The only time I felt stress-free was at work and when away with him.

I know all that now. At the time, all I knew was that I was in a vicious circle of avoiding Dave and the kids because of the guilt I felt and seeking solace and relaxation with Michael. I wasn't sure that if I gave Michael up, I could live with the hopefully fading guilt until I could face the rest of my family.

Things stabilised over the next two years. Dave stopped suggesting I come on family outings, seeming surprised when I occasionally did. I got good at judging how much sex with Dave stopped him suggesting counselling. Dave and I still talked, but mostly about family things.

There was one point, about a year and a half after the first time, that Michael suggested he wanted to meet more often than the out of town trips allowed. We met twice at the cabin, but it was really stressful and increased the chances of being caught exponentially. And quite frankly, the risk/reward graph was starting to cut in. Sex with Michael was becoming a little routine.

Then came the day that Michael came to work with a black eye. I overheard him telling everyone he'd been hit by a cricket ball smashed by his son, but when he cornered me in the break room, I got the real story. His wife had gone up to the cabin and found an unopened condom behind a bedside table. She'd even guessed his lover was me, due to us being travelling companions, but he'd begged her not to confront me. That way could lead to him being fired with no reference, risking their cushy lifestyle. He'd been asked to leave the house while his fate was being decided.

This was the last time he would speak to me about non-work issues, except the once, about four months later. He looked really down one lunchtime and I couldn't help asking why. Turns out his wife hadn't kicked him out, but every Friday night, he got to look after his kids while his wife went out with 'her friends'. She usually didn't return until the next day and didn't hide what she'd been doing with much effort. Michael was humiliated. I was untouched by his story. I was suffering as well.

I was terrified at home. I spent the month after Michael's wife's discovery looking for any changes in Dave's demeanour that told me that today was the day he'd been told. When it never came, I concluded, from the realisation that we hardly interacted anymore, that he already knew. Knowing him like I did, I suspected that he was just going through the motions of a happy family until Jenny left for college; still three years away. Of course, that froze me and made it even harder to look him in the eye.

In my observing and pondering, I also realised that I practically had no relationship with my children anymore. Talking to friends, though, that wasn't unusual at their age. It did make me think about the nightmare scenario. What if Dave had told them about my affair? That would fit the symptoms as well. Or, god forbid, they'd discovered my affair and told Dave.

Things remained unchanged until six months later. My mother died suddenly. I was a mess and my sisters were as well. Dave stepped up and handled all the funeral arrangements, consoled the kids, and looked after me like a nurse. I was a wreck for two weeks. Only leaving the house for the funeral.

One day, I pulled myself together and vowed that I was going to regain control of my life. I went shopping before everyone else came home and cooked a three-course meal for them. They seemed to appreciate it. After dinner, I tried to get them interested in going camping—we always loved that. They seemed to have something planned every weekend from now until winter.

We all watched a movie after dinner. I can't even tell you what it was, I spent the whole time looking at Dave. Wave after wave of love and appreciation swept over me.

As the kids were getting ready for bed, I went and had a shower, then put on a slinky negligee, turned the lights down in the bedroom and lay on the bed. If I expected Dave to hunt for me to account for my changed behaviour, I was disappointed. I eventually found him in his study three quarters of an hour later, working on his computer. I wrapped my arms around him from the back, put a breast against the side of his head and whispered in his ear.

"How about using that thing to find us a cruise next month. Just the two of us. It doesn't matter where to, we'll be in our cabin the whole time, trying to break the record from our honeymoon."

He remained silent for longer than was comfortable. He didn't even lean into me. I was becoming desperate for some acknowledgement of my efforts. In the old days, I would already be on the carpet with my legs wrapped around his waist.

"Okay. Have a think about that later. Why don't you come to bed right now and I'll show my appreciation for what you've done in the last month. Then, this weekend, we can pack the kids off..."

"No, Sarah. Let go of me. I won't let you debase yourself anymore."

The last was near a shout and to say it shocked me is an understatement. I was struck dumb, watching the various expressions cross Dave's face as he decided what to say.

"Look, Sarah. You left me. I don't know where you went and, the saints as my witness, I tried everything to get you back. You refused to talk, you refused to go to counselling, you ignored the kids, you forced me to be their father and mother. I begged you to talk until I was blue in the face. At some point, I just gave up. Started to go through the motions. I was intending to stay until the kids left home, but recently... someone has convinced me that I'm still young enough to live.

"Well, there's no easy way to say this, Sarah, but I want a divorce."

Muteness would come soon, but for now the shock was still setting in.

"It's Julie, isn't it?"

"Yes, Sarah, Julie and I have decided to try and make a go of it. I was going to move out but when I told the kids, they both said they wanted to stay with me. You can try to change their minds if you like but, well, you pretty much abandoned them as well, when you left me."

I was convinced that Dave was trying to spare me more pain and I thought I knew what it was.

"When did you find out about my affair with Michael?"

He looked stunned all of a sudden.

"You... you had an affair?"