Stand and Deliver Ch. 01

It was a while before mum told me she should have seen the signs. I asked her what signs feeling confused. She told me how much I liked Jan and how much I was hurting. I told her I did not understand. Mum asked me if I had hurt very bad because Jan could not be at the funeral as well as I may never be able to ever see her after my nan was no longer there. I admitted I had and confessed I only remembered the hurt I had kept deep inside after the link to the film and, trying to work out who I remembered from nans.

I thought about it and asked if she knew what it meant. Mum cuddled me tighter and told me she thought so. She added she could not tell me though as she told me it was my journey to discover what I want. She told me whatever it was it had her blessing so I must never be ashamed of whatever it is I will feel when I discover what I want. I could see mum could see I was confused as she told me I will understand all in good time. I did admit I wished I knew now but mum told me to be patient.

Monday morning I had the program running as soon as I logged onto my desktop. While I sat there coffee time waiting for her to connect Julia came up with a file of accounts she needed me to check through. She saw the window and asked "for my secret admirer?" so I nodded. She asked if I knew who he was yet and I felt myself blush a deep red. "A she?" she guessed. I nodded. Julia pulled the seat next to her closer and sat down. She patted my knee and told me good for me and not to worry what others think as some of her very best friends love women. I was going to tell her I didn't love women but something stopped me. I did tell her I liked her very much seeing she seemed to expect me to say something. She looked into my eyes and told me I looked just like a girl in love. I asked what that look was but, she told me it was hard to define in words. I thought I might have to look in the mirror and see if I could see what Julia saw. She told me even if I just liked the girl she teased she had good taste and raised an eyebrow. I smiled as I felt myself blush.

She told me then seeing that picture of me she often looked at girls who dressed just as demurely for work like me and wondered if they dressed the same outside. She teased she was very glad they did not know what she was thinking. I laughed but blushed again and she told me to tell her what I was thinking and I could tell her anything as she won't mind. So I admitted to her I had wondered what it would be like to wake up with her and see if her hair was just as mussed. She gave me a cuddle as she laughed. When she could she kissed my cheek and told me I was priceless then she whispered in my ear that most days she woke like that. She made me smile when she admitted she often wondered how many men thought that and gave me a wink.

We did talk about other things when the girls returned. Julia told me it looked like my admirer wasn't there this morning when my coffee break was over. She told me definitely love when I admitted I was sad when Julia thought I looked it. Before she left she whispered in my ear that when I find out who she is she would love to meet her to tell her she had very good taste as well as to take good care of her favourite girl. She then stroked my shoulder while I returned her smile before she left.

That did make me feel very good she thought that much of me. I knew it was also probably because I was willing to do as well as learn anything and everything to please her unlike the other girls who moaned a bit. I knew too I would try and do more to please her as I loved working for her so much

.Dinner-time I went and sat in the corner on my own. It also had a good view over the whole canteen. After scanning for her I thought about what Julia had said. That made me wonder if that was what mum knew but would not tell me as she wanted me to find out what I felt. That was unless she did not see what Julia thought she saw.

I tried to clear my thoughts and think about my time with Jan. I knew I more than just liked her as she was very special to me. When we talked about my schooling and I had a problem with maths which we both loved she would teach me different ways to solve the problem. I also remembered how just one word of praise from her made me glow and feel all warm inside. Every word she spoke I hung onto wanting to know her thoughts as well as I could sit there for hours as I loved listening to her voice. I thought about what I felt and wondered if it was a kind of love I had felt for her.

That made me wonder what I felt now. I did know my mystery highwayman made me feel things I had never felt before even with the men I had dated. I still found it strange how she could even start to turn me on more than a man could even with just a kiss.

After dinner I went into Julia's office as she wanted me to look at a file. It was a bad printout and I had trouble working out the words. When I turned slightly to look at the previous page as we tried to work out what a word was Julia moved her hand to my hair. She moved it enough and asked if that from my mystery woman. I admitted it was and told her what happened as she was interested as she thought I must have met her.

After I finished she told me she did envy me as she wished she had been wooed like that. As I did not understand she told me courted which I knew what that meant as my nan used it when she told me about when she first met my grandfather. I liked wooed as it sounded more romantic and Julia told me she thought so too. Julia did think it seemed my mystery women loved me very much. I think she could see I was puzzled. She told me to think about it and how she was slowly wooing me and hoping I will feel the same about her which she was sure I did. She told me it seemed my problem was I did not realize what I was feeling. I nodded as she did seem to understand.

I asked about the file. She told me it was one she had asked to be sent to her and wondered why the print was bad. I told her I thought it could be to hide something. That was her thought too she told me.

My mystery highwayman was on that afternoon. After she sent her usual "Hi," I said "hi," and told her I had missed her this morning. She told me she was sorry as she was stuck in a meeting. She asked if I had liked Saturday. I told her very much and missed her after she had gone. She wished she could have stayed too but I was too much of a temptation which made me feel better it seemed to affect her like it did me. At one point I even thought of asking her if she was Jan yet for some reason could not bring myself to do that. I thought I would be sad if it wasn't but, there also seemed other reasons holding me back too. I asked if I would see her soon. She asked liked Saturday so I told her "yes." She told me she would like that although wished she could see me for much longer and maybe one day she would be able to. I admitted I would like that before I gave myself time to think. I asked if I could see her this Saturday but, she told me sadly she had to visit relatives. I felt sad when she told me she had to go so we said our goodbyes before she disconnected.

Mum came in while I lay in bed having an early night that evening. She came and lay down next to me so I turned and she softly stroked my hair. Mum told me then I was very quiet tonight. I told her I was trying to think how I felt. She asked how I felt so I admitted confused.

I thought about it and asked if I looked like I was in love. She asked what made me ask that so I told her my boss thought I looked like a girl in love. Mum told me if she was being honest she would have to agree but she could see it was not as simple as that. She told me my heart is telling me one thing while my brain is telling me another.

Mum seemed to think about it before she asked me how she makes me feel inside like when she touches me. I told her I want her to touch me more. She asked what else. I thought about it and told her she makes me feels things I have never felt with a man. Mum told me she thought she could understand. She asked me then what I felt when I know she is there. I thought very pleased. She asked what about when she left so I told her I felt sad as well as lost. She asked if I felt confused how I should feel so I told her I did. Mum told me lots feel that way although she was lucky as she knew she loved my dad straight away. She told me some let their head rule their heart so they walk away from what could be something good. Some even regret that in time. Mum told me all she can really advise me to do is to have a good think about it and perhaps also ask myself how I would feel if she was not in my life anymore. She admitted if it was just any woman then she would suggest if we wanted to see if I like girls then to try it. She told me the problem was she thinks my mystery woman loves me and would not settle for anything less than my love. I asked what if I could not love her that way. She told me sadly the woman will be hurt and not much different to Ellen wanting a career while Michael was left hurting. I told her I did understand what she meant. She asked would I like to see the woman hurt if I could not love her. I admitted I would feel sad for her. I thought too I would hate to see her hurt as she was so nice. She told me not to rush and better to think things out. She told me too even if I do not realize it myself and find I cannot live without her then that is love.

After mum left I thought about all she had said. I thought about Jan and realized I did love her and always had. I thought about my heart and realized too if my mystery woman wasn't Jan I would be sad. I did think more on if she wasn't Jan and I knew then that wherever Jan was she would always have a piece of my heart.

I thought about what I thought and felt about my mystery woman. I knew she made me feel things I had never felt with a man. I knew too in ways I felt this deep need for her. The problem was I was not sure if it was love or not. Mum and Julia seemed to think so. Something held me back and the only thing I could think of was my feelings for Jan. I realized I was stuck in the middle because I could not ask her if she was Jan. If she wasn't and she was hurt because she wanted my love and thought I was in love with Jan then that would hurt me too. I was starting to feel a bit confused while I tried to make more sense of it so tried to think of something else. It didn't help when closing my eyes all I could see in my minds eye was my mystery woman dressed as a highwayman as she kissed her way around my neck.

Tuesday morning as soon as I had logged into my desktop I ran the program. I thought about that and realized more than anything I did not want to miss any messages from her. Even more so, as I had missed her so much after she left on Saturday. In ways I wished I did not have to leave my desk but I had some work to do with one of the accountants.

I just made it back to my desk coffee time. I think I worried more now if there was a queue in front of me for the machine or had to go hunting for one that worked. I knew I was panicking but I couldn't help it. That did make me wonder if it wasn't love then what was it I felt.

She came on with her usual greeting and I greeted her back. I thought I would try a different tact so asked her if she knew where I worked and what I did. She told me she did. She also told me she started work almost the same time as me. I asked where and she teased "tut tut :-)." I teased back I thought it was worth a try. I asked why she had not tried to contact me before the do. She told me she only saw me at Christmas. I asked how she knew about the do. She admitted she was a bit sneaky there and will hopefully be able to tell me one day. I told her I loved maths. She told me that was nice as she loved maths too. I shook my head as I was hoping she might give herself away and tell me she knew or something. That was very frustrating I thought. I asked what she thought of rugby and she told me she had heard it was a nice place although she had had never been there. Then she told me she was sorry but had to go.

I did flop back in my chair and with my head in my hands groan as Julia happened to walk by. She moved closer to see if I was alright. After she sat next to me I got her to read the messages as I explained what I was trying to do and she laughed her head off. I did tell her it wasn't that funny but giggled seeing her with her hand over mouth to try and stifle the sound as she was having hysterics. I saw some people were looking at us from the nearby offices wanting to see what was going on. Julia did manage to wave her arm to get them to go back to their work before she managed to get back to her office. After sometime I saw her coming out wiping her eyes.

She did snigger before she managed to control herself as she joined me. Julia did wipe her eyes a bit more and told me she cannot wait to meet this mystery woman of mine as she has a lovely sense of humour. I had to admit to her a bit frustrating for me although it did have its funny side. She teased in my ear she doubted I would have a dull moment with her though even in bed. I blushed when she winked. She stroked my arm and teased she could not wait for the next instalment.

I did often break out in giggles dinner time. People turned to look at me so I had to keep my head down while I sat at the table in the canteen and having my meal. In ways the answer seemed so stupid it made it funnier.

That afternoon she came back on. After greetings she hoped I liked her answer. I did go "HA-HA," like she had at the do and then confessed my boss had hysterics over it and I kept giggling during dinner. She asked the old guy Mr. Freeman. I had to tell her I meant Mrs. Stevens and told her although I was under Mr. Freeman on paper I did a lot of work for Mrs. Stevens. As she wants me to learn lots of different things she decides where I am assigned each day. I told her she would love to meet her and added she thought she had a great sense of humour. My mystery woman told me she would like that too. I was a bit sad she had to go while I was trying to think of what other things to ask.

I printed out the box and showed mum when she came into my room to say goodnight that evening. Mum laughed too and thought it was brilliant. She liked she had a good sense of humour so I had to admit to her Julia my boss thought so too. I had to confess I had not thought of anything yet when mum asked what I was going to ask her next.

More to come...............