Star Ch. 04

AUTHORS NOTE: It's been a long time comin, but it's finally here! Chapter four! The final chapter will soon follow, (for real this time!) as my goal is to finish this story by the end of Jan. Enjoy my lovlies and as always feedback is greatly appreciated! ;)

This was an all time low.

It had been a month since Star had even seen Micah. This time though, it was all her doing. She avoided him like the bubonic plague. He called, like he said he would, and she didn't answer. He came to her house; she didn't answer the door, or sneaked out the back. She couldn't face him, after what she'd said. There was no way she could just go back to being friends. Not after she'd professed her love for him and he shot her down quicker than a kamikaze jet fighter.

Because his visits increased as time went on, she started spending less and less time at home. At first staying over her mom's house, but that provoked too many questions. She quickly moved on to Brian's couch.

Upon arrival, he wanted to start the inquisition, but she halted it quickly.

"Irish, I am going though something really heavy right now. I'm honestly not ready to talk about it, but when I am, you'll be the first one I talk to. Okay?"

That had placated him for the time being, but she knew she only had so much time before she had to spill the beans.

With everything being such a mess in her personal life, she jumped head first into everything else. School, work, the band, you name it. She tried to keep herself so busy she didn't notice how lonely she felt. It always crept up on her, and many nights she cried herself to sleep.

How the hell did it get like this?

They'd never, ever had a blow up this big, could they make it through this?

Star had no clue, but she knew she had to try. It felt like she was falling into a bottomless black hole, with no end in sight.

"Good morning, lov!" Brian invaded the living room, just as chipper as always.

His sunny attitude always made her smile. Lately though, it was getting on her last nerve. You know what they say; misery loves company.

"Go away," she grumbled.

"That's no way to treat the man that just made you breakfast in bed!"

Star removed the pillow she'd used to shield her tired eyes from the sun, and sure enough, there he was. Holding a tray with all her breakfast favourites. Scrambled eggs, bacon and thick toast with hash browns. Her mouth watering, she sat up and reached for the tall glass of orange juice.

"Nope!" he said pulling the tray out of her grasp.

"What the hell Irish?" she whined.

"You have to do something for me first, and then you can eat."

Here it comes, she thought. Hanging her head, she spoke.

"What do you need Brian?" although she already knew the answer.

"I need to know what's going on with you. When you first came here, you said you needed space, so I gave you that. I wanted to wait until you were ready to talk. But I can't wait any longer. You gotta talk to me. I mean, most days your like an angry bear walking around here. And we're all on eggshells because we don't wanna poke the bear ya know? But I can't keep quiet any more, you gotta talk. If not to me, at least to Micah. The poor guy is calling here 4 times a day checking up on you."

"He's been calling here?" jeez, Star didn't know that. She did need to handle this. And Brian definitely deserved and explanation. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

"Come here," Star said patting the seat beside her.

He sat the tray down on the coffee table, and took a seat next to her.

"So what is it lov?" he asked.

Star didn't know where to begin, so she started at the beginning. It all came spilling out, how they met, their friendship, the almost kiss, the suppressed feelings, and finally the showdown in the Safeway parking lot. By the time she was finished, she was crying hysterically, and Brian was holding her tightly in his arms.

"I'm so sorry honey," was all he could say.

When she'd calmed down enough to speak again she stared him directly in his eyes and asked him what she should do.

"I don't know lov, I really don't' know. Love is hard, you know? It's a long twisting path though a beautiful forest. It looks bright and happy, but when you start walking, you find there's huge roots, and trees in your way. Ultimately, it's a path you and Micah have to take for yourselves."

And that was why she loved Brian so much. Every so often, he could drop something so profound on her she'd be blown away, astounded, in awe.

He was completely right. This was a matter she and Micah had to sort out themselves. But, their problem was they were stuck at the beginning of the path. They couldn't even start walking.

And there was the little fact that he didn't feel the same way about her. She was alone, at the beginning of the path, and the only person she wanted to take that journey with didn't want to take it with her.

"Oooooooooooh," she moaned aloud. How could she let things get this far out of hand?

"I need a drink. A good stiff drink," she announced.

"Star, it's 8:42am and you want a drink?"

Star just stood, grabbed the plate of food and began searching the cupboards for the whiskey she new Brian had stashed.

"I think, given my circumstances," she said between bites, "happy hour needs to start a bit early don't you?"

**************

The room was in absolute darkness thanks to the dark sheet that covered the window. Disarray couldn't even describe the mess the entire apartment was in. Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes were singing a sad, sad song in the background, and curled up in a ball on the bed was Micah.

Depressed was an understatement; he felt abysmal.

Back and forth, he went in his mind. Did I make the right decision? Should I have stayed? Why did I go? He knew all the reasons why he ran away that day, figuratively and literally. However, as each day passed, the reasons became less justifiable. And each day it hurt more and more. He undoubtedly missed her; she was his balance. And without her around, everything was helter-skelter.

The song that was playing faded out and a new song began to play. He cringed immediately, recognizing the songs first few notes. It was "Because I love you" by Lenny Williams. One of Star's all-time favourite songs, and way too appropriate for how he was feeling right now. He could see them both as kids, in her mother's living room singing this song into wooden spoons. Well, she was, he was watching her sing because he was definitely too shy to partake.

Right now, all he wanted was for this song to end. He didn't have the energy to get up from the cocoon he'd made in his blankets.

'She loves you,' his mind whispered.

He still couldn't wrap his mind around that fact. It seemed obvious that he'd be in love with Star. What man in their right mind wouldn't be? She was his everything, and he'd thrown her away.

But for what? And at what cost?

He'd barely left his apartment, except to bang on her door. Praying she'd open up, he'd knock incessantly; although part of him was glad she didn't open up. He had no idea what he'd say, how he'd explain himself. He just knew he had to try.

Stretching in his bed, he decided to get up. The smell of his body was beginning to revolt him. He needed a shower badly; even more than that, he needed star. She was the one he needed to pull him out of the state he was in. she was the one who'd throw him a life raft when his ship was sinking, she always was. Only this time, he was the one who'd abandoned ship. He'd have to save himself.

***********

Brian, being the "good" friend that he is, would not allow Star to be hammered out of her mind first thing in the morning.

Sitting now at the kitchen table, they made plans for this evening.

"I promise I'll buy you oodles of alcohol tonight, if you do this one thing for me."

She should have known his gifts come with a price by now, but she agreed anyway.

"Okay, what do you need from me?" she asked wearily.

"You've gotta talk to Micah, at least for my sake! He's killing my daytime minutes!"

Star slumped visibly in her chair, her eyes filling with fresh tears.

"And just what am I supposed to say to him huh?"

"Anything I guess," he answered.

Star rose and paced the kitchen floor running her fingers through her tangled hair.

"It's just not that damn easy! Christ! I told him I loved him! How could I think he would feel the same way? Of course he's not in love with me, how could he love me? So damn stupid!"

Brian was on his feet and had her in hand in no time flat. A look of pure anger was in his eyes.

"I don't ever want you hear you speak like that again, you hear me? Now I want you to listen and listen well because I don't repeat myself."

He grabbed hold of her chin and looked directly into her eyes.

"You're wonderful Star, absolutely wonderful. And Micah is the stupidest motherfucker on earth if he doesn't realize that. Now, with that said, sometimes we men need a little 'smartening up," he said putting the last part in air quotations.

"It's high time you two spoke, instead of just ignoring the situation. It's not getting any better by you-"

"I know, I know, I know," Star said wriggling from his grasp. The truth was she wanted to talk to him. She missed him too much. Every day was getting harder and harder. It felt like someone was cutting off her air supply a little each day.

"I'm gonna go... today," she stated looking at his feet and then into his eyes again. "I promise."

****************

Dressed in old sweat pants and an older Van Halen t-shirt, a defeated Micah knocked softly on Star's door. He knew she wasn't there; she hadn't been home in weeks. He just knew he couldn't listen to another Otis Redding song. Otis sang with way too much truth; he knew his heart couldn't take it any longer. He was preparing to walk back up to his apartment, when the door opened.

"Uh, hi. Your, your actually home," he stammered.

She looked worn, and all he wanted to do was hold her. He crossed his arms across his chest to stop them from reaching for her. She was wearing that t-shirt he loved and a pair of tight jeans. Her hair was piled atop her head in that sloppy, sexy, I don't really care what my hair looks like kinda way that he loved. It was her eyes that gave her away. There was a new level of sadness in them that made his heart wrench. How could he hurt her that way?

"You wanna come in?" she asked stepping out of the doorway.

He entered and went directly to the couch. She followed and sat beside him.

"I was actually going to come up to your place today," she said softly. She wasn't making eye contact and Micah couldn't blame her. Silence ensued, and they both stared off into space, trying to decide what to say. Star was the one who broke the silence.

"Okay look," she said turning towards him, but still not looking at him.

"I, I mean I know what I said before. But,"

"But what?" he asked interrupting her. He leaned in closer, partially to hear her better and partially to smell her. She smelled like strawberry ice cream and Micah was dieing to taste.

"But, well I just," her voice had begun to quiver. She still wasn't looking at him, but the emotions were all over her face. She dropped her head in her hands and went still for a moment. He thought she was crying until he heard her even voice.

"I miss you Mikey. I miss you so much."

She removed her hands from her face and he saw the wetness on her cheeks from her tears. She turned and looked him in his eyes for the first time.

"Micah, I know you don't feel the same way I feel about you, but I just-"

"Hold up," he said cutting her off. He felt anger swelling inside him and he could barely keep it in check.

"If I didn't feel the same way about you, tell me why I've been going through such hell these past few months!" he yelled.

"What do you think? I'm over here pissed off because you've caught feelings for me or something?"

Star sat staring at him, a look of pure confusion on her face. What was he talking about? Of course that's why! That's why he ran away from her that day, why he'd rejected her. Because he didn't feel the same way right?

"Yes!" she said standing her ground. "That's exactly why Micah! And I don't care anymore! I need you in my life!" she said openly crying now.

His anger had dissipated and what he felt now was shame. Of course she didn't know! He didn't exactly make anything clear, she had to come to her own conclusions because he was too much of a coward to explain. Sitting down beside her again, he spoke.

"Star, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. For everything. You've been put through so much these past few months because of me and I'm sorry."

He turned her face up towards his and spoke the words that were in his heart.

"I love you too. I always have. You are my everything, my best friend, my rock, my life raft. I've never felt this way about anyone else. You're my heart."

Star closed her eyes and felt his words wash over her. She drowned in the mixed emotions they washed up and felt reborn. Tears leaked from her tightly closed lids, and he gently wiped them away.

"Star?" he whispered her name. She slowly opened her eyes and looked up at him sniffling.

"Star," he whispered once again. It was the way he'd whispered it, coupled with the look in his eyes that made her react. She lifted her hand and quickly connected with his cheek smacking him soundly across the face. He was completely caught off guard and immediately brought his hand up to his cheek.

"How could you? How could you hurt me like that? You broke my heart Micah! How could you do that to me?" she screamed at him hysterically. He couldn't speak.

"This is me!" she said pounding her chest. "How could you treat me like... like ...." she crumpled onto her lap sobbing, unable to finish her sentence.

Micah draped his body over her back and held her to him whispering apologies to her.

"Now you know though. Now you know it wasn't because I didn't love you Star, it was because I love you that I ran away. For the sake of us! Star you know me! You know what I'm like, you don't want a man like me in your life. The only thing I could bring you is pain! Look how I've hurt you already! That's why I left that day. Because I knew that if I'd have stayed, I'd only end up loosing you in the long run and I need you too much to loose you like that."

His own tears were running down his still stinging cheek onto the back of her t-shirt. She sat up and stared at him again. She looked deathly calm and it worried Mikey.

"So, basically what your saying is you did it to protect me. You made the decision on your own that we're no good for each other. Based on the fact that Sara, and Laura, and Tiffany didn't work out. And because I'm soooo much like those women, YOU decided that it's best if nothing happens between us? Because you didn't want to hurt me? Am I getting this all correct Micah, or did I mix any of that up?" she asked, well beyond angry.

"No! Well, I mean yes but it wasn't like that, I just wanted to save you the heartache! I'm not a good-"

She cut him off with her kiss. It came on so fast, Star barely saw it coming herself. She firmly pressed her lush lips against his. It was as if fireworks were going off inside her. Once Micah caught onto what was happening, he became the aggressor, taking her mouth in a flurry of passionate kisses. Pressing her body down into the couch, he parted her thighs so he could lie between them. Her lips were like nothing he'd ever tasted and he'd been unable to stop himself. Her hands were everywhere, running the length of his back, down to squeeze his ass, then back up and into his hair.

He felt his body responding to her and felt intoxicated. It was everything, her scent, her touch her kiss. She had him reeling. He was teasing her lips, nibbling and sucking on first the bottom then the top lip. Her back arched pressing her large breasts into his chest. He couldn't contain the moan that tumbled from his lips, and his tongue demanded entry into her mouth.

Her hips rocked against his as hands also began to roam her body. His tongue was acting out what she so desperately wanted him to do lower and his hands. They were everywhere, in the most intimate places and all star could think was 'more!'

Then, just as quickly as the kiss began, it ended. Micah somehow found the strength to tear his mouth away from hers and stood up putting distance between them. No kiss had ever left him so undone.

"Did you feel that?" Star asked panting. She was hunched over her lap gasping for the breath she didn't know she'd deprived herself of.

Micah couldn't think straight. All he could think about were her lips. With his back to her, he leaned against the wall for support.

Star looked up at his sagging back, leaned into the wall right next to a picture of the two of them. In the picture they looked so happy, not a care in the world. Now they were in the middle of an emotional minefield. Things were blowing up all over the place.

"Micah, I know you felt that as much as I did. I know that was the best kiss you ever had, because it was the best I ever had."

Star rose and came behind him. When she placed her hand on his shoulder, he jumped a little then turned to face her. His face was bright red and apprehensive.

"I know it's scary. You don't think I'm scared? You're all I have! But I'm right here! And I'm willing to take that leap with you! I don't fucking care about all the other girls, fuck them! This is about you and me. You know it's different with us, I felt it. This is so much realer than anything either of us has had before and you know it!"

Star was becoming more and more emotional. Her hands were fisted in his black t-shirt and she was itching to taste his mouth again, maybe more.

"Star, th-this is just a lot right now. I I I," he stammered

"I know, I know," she said putting her fingers to his lips to silence him. "But I just can't waste any more time. Just thinking about all the time I wasted, lonely and unhappy, when the best thing that could have ever happened to me was right before my eyes..."

Star closed her eyes and leaned her head into his chest, hands still gripping his shirt. Micah wrapped his arms around her and laid a soft kiss on the top of her head.

"I just don't want to waste another minute Mikey. I just want to be yours, no one else's. You're the only one I want. You're the only one I love. You're who I need. Please, please just say you need me just as much."

Her pleading eyes looked up into his.

"I need time; just you know to process all thi-"

"No! no, no no!" Star exclaimed releasing her grip on him and backing away from him.

"We've had our whole fucking lives to come to terms with this! Neither of us needs any more time to decipher feelings! I LOVE YOU!" she screamed.

"I don't know any other way to say it to you! And if that's not enough now, then it never will be!"

"Star, please!" Micah begged. "I need you! I just, I just..."

"No," Star stated picking up her purse and jacket. "You don't need another day, or week or month."

Picking up her keys from the coffee table she looked up at Micah, who was still leaned into the wall, defeated.

"It's now or never Micah. You can say either yes, or no but I can't do this. I can't wait not one more day for you. I'm so sorry but I've spent too much time waiting. So what is it? Yes or no?"

Slumping a little further into the wall, he turned his head heavenward. God, what was he supposed to do? Everything in him called out to this woman but he felt so jumbled inside. It felt like they had both thrown everything on the table and he needed to sort through it all.

"Star, I just," Star never gave him a chance to finish. She just went straight for the door.