Star Drifting

"As a Celestial, moving is less about the physical action of moving your arms and legs to produce forces and reactions, and more about desire. Visualize the place you want to be and then will yourself towards it." She towed me from the center of the sun, and before I knew it we were in space, popping through Zeta-seven-four's mantle with little difficulty. No spacesuit, no atmospherically stable ship. Nothing. Just her and me, a harsh vacuum, and the brilliant lights against an inky backdrop. She floated behind me and I had to suppress a shiver as her breath tickled against the tip of my ear. "What you need to do is pick a star," she held her finger up and pointed. "Imagine it, picture it in your mind and focus on that image." With her continued encouragement, I bent my will to the task. And after a couple of failures, something clicked. I moved. It wasn't much, maybe a couple of feet or so, but it was mine. I had the power to fly through space. Excited by my progress, I turned to my savior and mentor. "So what now? Do you teach me to shoot laser beams from my eyes or something equally fantastic?"

She chuckled at my exuberance. "Nothing like that. The best way to learn is by experience, so the relevant question would be, what do you want to do?"

Her question phazed me. I'd been stuck into the simple routine of my job so long that I'd forgotten the dream I was working for.

A dream I'd held since I was a child.

Sensation swirled in the back of my brain, descending upon me like a spring summer storm, carrying me with it into a darkness.

Awareness came slowly, a gradual dawn bringing with it light and life. The air twisted around me, lightly caressing my skin while reality finished forming. Then memory slammed into me like a supernova, obliterating my calm and forcing me to my feet. My surroundings left me confused as I took them in. Starlight decals hung on the walls, models of scout ships lay in various states of assembly on my desk. I smiled wryly as I looked at the customary pile of dirty clothes that lay in a heap in the corner. Walking to the window, I looked out over the city of my birth. In the distance I watched a fighter launch from the docking station, leaving a vapor trail in its wake. I traced the trail back to the ship and I dreamed of leaving Sevenski, seeing the galaxy and mapping out undiscovered worlds. The yearning in my chest grew and I placed my hand on the window, vowing to myself that one day, I'd be the one leaving the atmosphere in my own ship.

Then, just as suddenly as I'd left, I was back to floating in space with Valka.

"What just happened?"

Her eyebrows scrunched down in confusion. "Nothing..."

"So you didn't see my childhood bedroom?" I said, on the precipice of panic, fully prepared to throw myself over the edge.

Something had gone wrong. I'm gonna melt down and go supernova, unintentionally blasting myself into stardust along the way.

Valka nodded her head in understanding. "Celestials interact with our memories in a different manner than you might be familiar with. Without neurons to degrade, we possess perfect recall, able to relive moments of our past as if they were happening in the moment. While you are still getting acclimated, I would suggest you don't think too hard about your past. Focus on your future for the time being until you get a better hold on your new reality." She cocked an eyebrow at my obvious nervousness. "It'll be okay."

"While good advice, it feels a little like the twelve legged octopus problem."

"I am not familiar with this twelve legged octopus thing?"

"If I tell you not to think about a twelve legged octopus, what's the first thing you do?"

"Ahhh, I see the problem now. But I think I have a solution." She entwined her fingers in mine and towed me along with her like a tugboat taking a new vessel out to sea.

"So if I'm understanding it correctly, you aren't actually taking my hand in your own?" I asked as we shot off through the emptiness of space.

"Hand?" She asked, tilting her head back to look at me. "Oh, right. That's correct. We don't actually have hands. For the first couple centuries or so you will probably interpret the input of your senses in as familiar method as you can manage. Hence your view of me, and our interactions, while not necessarily representing the absolute truth, will probably be fairly accurate. Which reminds me, I want to ask you what I look like?"

You look like the sun, peeking out over the horizon, turning the landscapes into a tapestry of crimson gold.

Of course I couldn't actually tell her that, it would be far too embarrassing. "You look... nice," I said lamely instead. "Like a normal human."

Her pout was suitably adorable and matched her disappointed posture. We streaked across the sky before pulling up next to a planet. "Here we are," she said, excitement at being able to share this with me spilling from her.

Whatever this actually is...

"Help me out here, what am I looking at?" The planet didn't look like much from this distance, just a smudgy red and silver orb that sparkled in the light of this system's sun.

Floating behind me, she curled one arm over my stomach and laid her chin on my shoulder, making the sensation that was unique to her touch buzz through my body, robbing me of higher thought. She pointed down at the brilliantly shining planet. "Focus your attention on that spot right there. Here, let me guide you."

Like a teacher holding a child's hand while they formed wiggly letters, she pressed on my awareness just so, guiding it towards the desired result. In response, the planet grew larger with startling swiftness, filling my sight as I peered through the intervening space.

A beautiful crystalline forest filled the land from horizon to horizon. Delicate looking branches forked in jagged frozen-lightning patterns as the leafless trees drew bubbling bronze liquid from the ground up the trunk to fuel the growth.

The wind blew with blistering strength, but the well-organized cellular structure of the quartz trees had evolved to be sufficient to the task. In fact, they had small holes at the end of the branches that would catch said wind into a hollow chamber that reverberated with the motion, creating cutting tonal hums that morphed along with the shifting winds.

"Beautiful, is it not?" Valka said, her eyes locked on me and my reaction.

"It's an organic symphony. No structure, but no less lovely for that. Inhuman. It evokes feelings of a cold winter storm under a soft moonlight."

Astonished at my flowery description, she gaped at me.

I sheepishly shrugged. "I took classical music appreciation as an elective. I guess some of that stuck around the dark folds of my brain."

"I love music. It's such a deeply personal thing for both the creator and the listener. Capable of conjuring forth emotions ... It's almost magical. I... am not very talented at it. Also, to me, it's best enjoyed as a communal activity, and I haven't had that in a long time."

"I was a fair hand at the piano, at one point in my life. If you can figure out a way to get access to one I wouldn't mind giving you a lesson or two."

Tears filled her starry eyes and she threw her arms around me for a hug. I patted awkwardly on her back and we returned to floating in space as her focus lapsed.

For the next week or so, it was tough to measure time without a solar body to track or digital clocks, I spent my time getting used to operating my new body, or lack thereof. It was definitely a new experience not needing sleep and not feeling hunger. Arousal however, arousal was still operating at peak efficiency. Every time she sidled up close to me I could feel my blood begin to stir and had to fight off the desire to run my fingers across her exotic flesh.

It was during a time of practice, while I was practicing listening carefully to my surroundings and attention-projection, that everything went sideways. It began with the hum of a nearby ship's engines as it puttered through nearby space.

It's strange to think of that kind of speed as slow considering what I can do now.

There was a ragtag crew that was hanging out in a mess hall, consuming copious amounts of alcohol.

"Agh. When are we gonna find another payday," a muscle bound man spoke, slamming his mug onto a long table that had mismatched seating arranged on either side. "It's been two months since I've felt that glorious rush that comes from a well earned paycheck." He took a gigantic swig of his sludge like liquid, smacking his lips at the taste. "It's too bad that nibble slipped the hook. What do they do for these transporters to instill such loyalty? Tell you what captain, if anyone threatens to take the cargo I will give them an 'as you wish' and let them be on their way. No payday is worth my life. I mean, at worst we would've roughed them up before sending them on their way. Catch and release, that's the name of the game, right captain?"

A flying wrench smacked the man in the side of his head, making him slock some of his drink into his lap.

"What the hell?"

"Shut your gob, you shit-swiller, you talk too much. You know how the captain feels about casualties."

The man blanched, rotating slowly to face the stone eyed woman that sat at the head of the table. "No offense meant, captain."

The woman didn't react for a span of maybe thirty seconds. Then she narrowed her eyes at the man and I swore he nearly pissed himself. She turned to the woman seated at her right, the one that had thrown the wrench. "What have you learned about the pilot?"

"Working for Zerbaski Industries, a one Logan Germinson perished last week when a malfunction of his vessel led to an explosion that pushed his flight vector into the sun. He is survived by his parents and sisters. His wake will be held-"

"That's enough," she steepled her fingers, her eyes inscrutable. "Make sure that the usual money is untraceable."

"Of course captain."

"What are bloody doing sending out our profits. Fucking bleeding hearts," the man muttered into his mug.

"If you must know, the weregild came from my personal coffers. So, if I were you, I'd think very hard before I speak again today. Understand?" She spoke with a voice that rumbled low and deep, a sharp edge to it that promised imminent violence.

The man didn't fall for her trap and nodded his head before draining his drink and walking gingerly from the room.

My focus lapsed and my mind zoomed back to where my body floated.

What... What was that? That wasn't true... was it?

"Valka!" I practically screamed.

She was right next to me so quickly it was like she'd teleported there.

"Logan, what's wrong?"

"Tell me it's not true. I need to hear it's not true," I begged clutching at her with fingers that'd curled into claws.

Her eyes shot to the ship, and she recognized it in an instant. Understanding, and pity dawned on her face but she asked her question anyway. "What are you talking about?"

"Did I throw my life away for nothing?"

Her silence spoke volumes and despair clawed my soul into ribbons. A desperate need overtook me.

"I want to see my family. I need to see my family again. Tell them I'm okay. Explain what happened to me."

"Logan, you can't."

"Why not? What's wrong with them knowing?" I begged. "Is this secret really that important?"

She looked bereft, like she was watching a loved one die right in front of her. "It's not that I don't want you to. It's that you literally can't." She reached out for me but I retreated.

No. This can't be happening. I thought, once I got the hang of my abilities, I would be able to...

She held her hand against her chest. "You can watch and listen to them, but I know of no method with which to communicate with them. And if you tried to visit them... Your body would incinerate the planet and everyone living there before you could get into shouting distance, which still wouldn't work."

I've lost everything. She took them from me.

I wanted to lash out at her, to claw at her body until she gave me what she owed.

But I didn't.

I'd never been one to fight when faced with conflict. Instead I did what I'd always done.

I ran.

I ran as fast and as far as I could.

Focusing on a single distant point, I willed myself forward with a single minded purpose stronger than anything I'd had since becoming a Celestial. Valka spoke words but I refused to listen. The light I'd chosen filled my vision, enormous and lovely. I chose another and off I shot, like a laser guided probe venturing into the abyss.

Again and again, I picked a star and darted off. I pushed myself harder, stubbornly focusing on nothing else but moving forward, accelerating away from her like a comet. She continued to talk but i wasn't ready or willing to listen.

But I know that it's not really her I'm running away from. That's just a lie I'm telling to make myself feel better. It's the fact that my own failures and the twists of fate led me to what happened. She didn't take everything from me, but instead only offered me hand while I was down. I only maintain this stubbornness because it hurts too much to consider what I've lost. My family... My life... It's much easier to blame Valka for everything.

"Logan you need to stop!" She yelled at me, somewhere in the range of a screech and a scream.

It startled me enough that I did what she asked even though I wasn't consciously attempting to comply with her command. My body formed out of the drifting stardust and I scowled at her angrily. "What right do you have to give me commands like that? Just because you made me doesn't mean you own me."

"You wouldn't listen and you kept moving blindly forward. Did you even think to look where you were going?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" I scowled.

She looked sad and hurt as she waved a finger in the direction I'd been heading. The exquisite loveliness of her body still had the power to entrance, making it hard to look away, even in my rage.

What is she talking about-

.

.

.

Oh no.

Parked in space, at the edge of the ultraviolet waves and pulses of heat that flowed from my core, was a tiny little planet. Blue and green, with sparkling lights of a thousand thousand living beings all going about their lives, unknowing of the end they'd just barely avoided.

An end that my selfishness was bringing them.

"You didn't know," Valka said hurriedly. "Nothing bad happened."

Only because you were here.

"You didn't do anything wrong. You were upset. It happens. We can get through this."

What if I don't want to? It would've been better if you'd let me die in that sun.

"Please don't do this Logan? Don't leave me like this."

What is she talking about? Oh that. She did say my thoughts have a more distinct effect on my physical form.

While I sank ever deeper into a well of self loathing, my particles were drifting apart, losing cohesion. My mind grew sluggish and I lost the will to live.

This is for the best. No pain or anger. Just nothingness, the universe returning to how it was meant to be.

I realized that Valka had gone silent but I couldn't bring myself to care. Snowflakes blossomed in my bones, filling up the gaps and robbing me of everything else, slowly replacing all other sensation with an eternal numbness. My particles continued to drift, like ink dropped into the ocean, elements slowly spreading until their presence could no longer be detected as existing.

Time passed, whether a second or an hour I couldn't say.

Then a sensation. Something, or someone, was collecting my particles wrapping around them like a net and pulling them together.

"Stop it," I garbled out, the words coming slow and mangled. "Let me go."

"No. You are worth saving." The determination rang heavy in Valka's words. As did the strain and pain of what it took to keep me together.

"I'm really not. Never did anything of worth in my other life, don't see why I would suddenly start now." I hated that the words were coming easier now. My attempt to break free of her grasp was easily thwarted.

"How can you say that?"

"Because it's true." I said honestly. Our bodies reformed, her's wrapped around mine in a desperate hug.

Valka was in rough shape, her silhouette riddled with holes like she'd been peppered with buckshot that'd then eaten at her substance like flesh eating bacteria.

"Why?" I whispered dully, horrified to see consequences her saving me had wrought.

"Because you're worth it. This and so much more."

"I'm not-"

She silenced me with a kiss. Or rather, what felt like a kiss. All the metaphysical particle-wave nuances of my new situation still flew mostly over my head, or thought matrix as Valka called it. Regardless of its composition, the kiss still took my breath away, silencing the devil on my shoulder that made me feel hopeless, that whispered words of despair into my soul. She hauled me, kicking and screaming into the light of the sun. Or suns. Cosmic radiation leaked from around our entwined forms in giant willowy blooms that resembled the aurora borealis. It was beautiful, bringing a tear to my eye. Valka dissolved and reformed around me, wrapping her arms securely around my stomach and holding me tight as we watched the show.

"Why save me?" I asked the question that'd plagued me from the moment I'd opened my eyes after pressing that plunger.

"I was watching you know, when they called for your surrender. I saw how much you loved your family, the sacrifice you were willing to make."

"It wasn't necessary. They were actually pirates, not terrorists. They would've taken my cargo and sent me on my way."

"I know."

"Then you know it was worthless. I threw my life away for nothing."

Her hand caressed my chin, urging me to turn and look at her. I did. Appropriately beautiful eyes of starlight met mine, full of nothing but admiration.

"Yes but you didn't know that. You jumped to a reasonable conclusion and acted with bravery and selflessness. It was... exquisite. I knew then and there that you were the one with whom I would share my essence." She kissed me again, and again I melted. "That I hoped to share my life with." And again, like a thief, she stole the self destructive thoughts from my head, filling it with delicate light and sweet sensations through her magical lips.

"I fell in love with you there."

Blushing, I tucked my chin to my chest, keeping my thoughts to myself. "Where do we go from here?"

"That's for you to decide, Logan. I cannot keep you from doing anything, no one can anymore. So you should ask yourself, what do you want to do?" As she spoke, her voice grew quieter, her human for flickering before abruptly winking out, leaving behind a small lunar body floating in the void. Her central matric filled my hands as I cradled it cautiously, only small solar prominences indicating her continued existence.

Only the fact that I could feel her essence still emanating from the core kept me from panicking, flavored as it was by her brand of quiet joy. "I want to love you and make you better," I whispered to the orb. I drifted away from the civilization I'd almost razed, getting to a safe distance before accelerating away.

The next few weeks were spent alone. Which, although I was used to such arrangements, sucked nonetheless. Still, the time to reflect was welcome, allowing me the opportunity to figure out who I was in my newly expanded universe. It was amazing. What I'd once taken to be the emptiness of space was in fact filled with tiny nuances that floated just out of sight in the beams of light that whizzed by my form. This one came from a cute little white one who spoke with the voice of a princess, that one over their was the gnarly old voice of burly brown star, complaining of a black hole that was eating most of his light.