Starfinder: The Jade Regent Pt. 01

"I think it's the bad guy..." Ami whispered as the camera slowly started to draw closer and closer to the skinny dipping girl. She splashed up, her breasts filling the frame as she brushed her hands along her hair, her antennas dripping with water...

And then the monster leaped onto her. She screamed and a knife flashed across the screen, then the scene cut away.

"Of course the bimbo dies first!" Ami said, then grabbed some popcorn from the bowl she had left out. "Boo!" She threw it at the screen.

"If you want the bimbo to not die first, then make her a Vesk," Rakain remarked. "We'd kick the ass of anything that tried." He waved a hand in the air, the sharpness of his claws highlighted in the light from the screen.

"Says the nerrrrrd," Ami said, giggling and sticking out her tongue.

"Of course the bimbo dies first!" Hana said, pausing in her feet playing to grab some popcorn. It was a well known fact that androids still needed to eat. Apparently. Being a semi-magical construct had its strange rules "It's assailing the very concept that bimbos are inherently the sexiest women available. We all know that a good personality, clever intellect, AND a rockin' pair of tits is the ideal. ..and.. I just thought a vesk horror movie must be kind of awesome." She giggled.

"Hana- are you saying you would rather see a fresh pair of breasts instead of my own?" Sam teased as the murder scene was shown on screen, or rather just off screen. "Ami, I would be disappointed if she didn't go first. Tropes to adhere too. I am disappointed that we haven't seen the wolf yet. Also, remember: The virgin survives."

"I don't think Vesk and Bimbo can end up in the same sentence," Nora snorted, reaching out with a leg to give Rakain a friendly nudge. "At least the scene ended with a good bounce before the end.

"On the subject of Vesk bimbos, there was that girl down at the general store," Ami said, grinning at Nora. "What was her name?"

Rainbow Scales. She liked dying her scales. And she had definitely had a boob job.

Nora ended up blowing out a raspberry in response as she pet her drone. "Okay, maybe her."

"You fleshlings are so limited." Hana said, grinning playfully. "Of course Vesk and Bimbo can go into the same sentence! Observe: 'The vesk found himself utterly unable to tolerate the bimbo and so left to find a better quality woman.'"

Meanwhile, the scene on the screen shifted to a nerdy human boy with glasses, speaking to an android. "I do not understand these e-mo-tions..." The android said, her voice not quite a monotone. Rather, she sounded a bit like someone who couldn't believe she was being asked to read these lines. She wasn't a very good actor.

"I've hacked microchips that could act better than that!" Rakain said. Deciding to join in with the popcorn throwing, he tossed a few kernels at the screen. They bounced off the CRT-TV. A loud gag slipped out of Nora who even mimed leaning over to the side with an overplayed 'vomit' noise.

"By the gods that's racist!" Hana scowled, putting her hands on her hips. "If we do not end up seeing her in at LEAST a fellatio scene I'm contacting the makers of this film with my protest!"

Sam, meanwhile, seemed to have taken the depths of the acting quality in stride. She shifted herself about to reseat herself on her rear, sinking into the bag in a manner more comfortable to watch and laugh at the movie. Ami giggled quietly, then picked up a handfull of popcorn and jammed it into her mouth. Meanwhile, the nerd boy made a quiet 'nyhay' noise and adjusted his amazingly thick glasses.

"I, uh, got a program I can show you, heh, yeah..." he said, nodding eagerly.

"Shuviror?" Ami said around her popcorn. She swallowed. "Taking all bets on the Android Girl!"

"Five minutes!" Rakain said, thrusting his hand into the popcorn bowl. "Nerd gets it in five minutes!"

"3 minutes on the nerd dy- dammit Rakain." Sam cursed. "I am betting the Android survives the movie. Invoking the virgin trope."

"Got a five minutes on the nerd, whole movie for the robot girl!" Ami said, then picked up another handful, jamming it into her mouth.

"She is, of course, the only logical choice for survivor." Hana grinned playfully. Her hands went back to the important task of playing with Ami's toes, causing the other girl to squirm.

"It's hooooorible," Nora groaned, following by laughter. "I only hope we get to, at least, see her topless too..."

Ami wiggling her toes, as if trying to escape Hana's grasp. "Why is everyone soooo sure the android isn't going to get freaky?" she asked, grinning as the android and her best friend - a shirren girl - started to unpack in their cabin of the summer camp. The view once more switched to the monster's POV - heavy breathing filled the room. Rakain mimed the heavy breathing to a comedic extent, doing it right in Ami's ear to guage her reaction.

"Booo on the virgin trope!" Hana grumbled, "I was built without a hymen because I was crafted to be a superior being.." She grumbled. "Fuck off, monster! There is the chance of lesbian sex if you just piss off!"

"Oh, she is going to about to get something happen to her with someone, and the monster is going to stop it- put the assaulter of her purity out of the picture." Sam explained. "Not spoilers, just genre."

"Booooo!" Hana called out, holding her hand up to increase her volume. As Sam and Hana spoke, Ami giggled and squirmed, then punched Rankin in the chest. "Eee!" she gasped. "God, with ears and toes, I am so thanking Desna's titties that I am not ticklish!" She laughed, then bit her lip, drawing her hand away from Rankin's chest - her punch having harmed the huge vesk about as much as a gnat landing on him. Her palm had felt the thick muscles under his shirt, though.

Meanwhile, the android on the screen was taking the luggage to the nerd's room. He plugged a jack into her ear after a bit of convincing, then uploaded a program...and the android's eyes went out of focus. The nerd licked his lips with clear delight, typing far too quickly on a keyboard to be sending anything other than gibberish. The android fizzited, then slid her shirt off and over her head, revealing her perky, grey-white tits.

"Really?" Rakina protested. "Come on, dude, that's just cheating!"

"Hooray." Hana said in a flat voice. "At least we're getting a nice rape scene in.." She grumbled. "Why can't exploitation be fun exploitation?"

"Yes!" Nora remarked, arms shooting up into the air again. At everyone's look, she added. "Hey, I'm cheering titties, that is all."

The monster bust into the room, then - it was some kind of gross mass of rotting flesh like a zombie as designd by someone with too much imagination. Their knife plunged into the nerd's throat and gore sprayed onto the camera. The android's cable was yanked free and she screamed and ran, her breasts lovingly framed by the camera.

"...have you seen this movie before?" Ami asked, glaring at Sam.

Nora's arms remained in their cheer pose, as if the whole point of the scene for her simply boiled down to pretty android boobies.

"Whoo hoo! Creepy boy gets exactly what he deserves!" Hana threw up her arms in victory, joining Nora's stance.

"Nice camera work," Rakain commented dryly.

"Nope- it's just that badly written." Sam beamed. "Come on, virgin trope and they stated the robot-chick was emotionless. They telegraphed it from a mile away! Though really, I hope she trips and loses the pants." She licked her lips.

"You are disgusting," Ami said, giggling. The android wasn't tripped. The monster actually tackled her and she kicked her way free, still screaming, revealing her tight white panties, with a heart stenciled over her rear. She was crawling away, the monster looming over her-

When the screen cut to a blue-white test pattern and a loud whirr filled the air. A moment later, a stern looking human behind a newscaster desk appeared.

"This is an emergency bulletin for all settlers living in the Thesnenma Desert region of Akiton," he said, his voice serious. "A report has reached the Stewards that a gang of goblins - called the Licktoad Tribe - has recently found or stolen a cache of high explosives, fragmentation grenades, and military grade laser weapons. They have embarked on raids on merchant caravans across the Thesnenma Desert, and appear to be located within the Dustchoke Shipswamp."

The map that flashed up showed a view of the region near Rustpoint - including the largest chunk of the ship graveyard. It was called a swamp because the dust was so thin and so deep that it effectively acted like a marsh. It was a dangerous place...but apparently, not well picked over by scavengers due to the monsters living within.

"The Stewards, notedly understaffed for the area have put up a two hundred credit bounty per goblin slain by local militia or adventurers," the newscaster continued.

Ami sat bolt upright, her eyes wide as saucers.

The service message cut off and Ami hit pause on the movie - freezing the frame with the android's= butt in it.

"Guys..." she said, springing to her feet. "Guys! Are you thinking what I'm thinking!?"

"That's an amazing butt, yes." Nora said, doing her best to look around Ami. Her drone was doing the same, its litte head equipped with camera trying to snap images that didn't get blocked.

"I think so, Ami. But where are we going to get fifty pounds of grease, two monkeys, and a pair of bolas this time of night?" Hana asked, beaming.

"That the heart on the panties was too much?" Sam asked as she begrudgingly pulled herself up out of the beanbag chair and started to zip up her suit, and get dressed back into her armor. There was a lot of her to get into the suit - Sam, once she stood, was nearly six feet tall, and the only girl in the room who came close to Rakain.

Rakain looked at everyone else in the room. "Okay, I want to go on record that I agree with Nora."

Ami grabbed a bit of popcorn, then threw it at Nora. Then she grabbed more and threw it at Hana - the popcorn pelted Nora's face and chest. Meanwhile, Hana was able to open her mouth and catch her popcorn easily, getting no grease on her.

"Noooo, guys!" Ami groaned. "We can earn enough credits to get out of this freaking no horse town! We can go to Absalom Station! Or buy our own ship! We can have an adventure!"

Rakain's face lit up - as much as a Vesk's face could. "I'm sold!"

"Yes!" Ami pumped her fist happily.

Hana snickered slightly, "Isn't there a bit of a dust storm that will get in the way at the moment?" She said curiously. "Also- wait, shit! My main combat spell only affects thinking beings! It's useless on goblins!"

Ami snorted. "We'd go after the storm, obvs." She said, sticking her tongue out at Hana.

"Well, not selling me so much on the adventure part." Sam teased as she was clicking her armored torso into place. "But I can follow for most of that train of thought. And it wouldn't be the first goblin I've killed."

"Adventure means cash and titties, Sam. It sells itself." Hana grinned.

Nora let out a little 'Eh' after a moment, shrugging. "Better than nothing right now, honestly. Nobody will hire me for a lick of work ever since I fixed everything so it doesn't break anymore. So, um, that might be better." As she spoke, she popped a few popcorn bits into her mouth as she spoke, unbothered as it collected on her chest and drone. The drone, though, pawed at its ferretlike head with tiny metallic hands.

"Well, more like that's what the money does with how it flows, both ways." Sam said and took her seat again, her armor still missing the helmet. "So, guessing we finish the movie if we want to wait out the storm?"

She was, obviously a bit impatient, her hand going to her helmet.

Ami smiled. "Sounds like a plan, Sam!" Ami grinned, then knelt back down, settling back between her friends.

The rest of the movie was resoundingly stupid, but it did have one inspired moment of demented genius, where the android girl, using the intuitive knowledge of all machines that all androids had (which made Hana cry 'racism!' again) cobbled together a weapon out of a lawn mower and an old broken down plasma sword. The whirring, flaming death machine had made for an awesome final act.

The android girl never did get laid...but she got groped a lot.

As the credits rolled, playing the weirdly catchy song of Love is Like a Machete to the Heart, Ami grinned and then laid back on her bean bag. "Soooo, for the adventure..." she said. "We all have guns. And, well, I know a little bit of magic. Kinda." She coughed, looking slightly embarrassed. This was a bit of a surprise - none of the others had ever heard of Ami learning any kind of magic.

Rakain stared at her. "Since when did you know magic?" he asked.

Nora tilted her head, "Stealing lessons when nobody was looking?" She asked, still splayed out on the floor. Her drone chittered as it crawled along her back, the impassive girl not even twitching.

"Mystic or Technomage?" Hana said curiously, "It's important you cast the deciding vote!" She said, mock seriously. She drew her own magic intuitively from the cosmos - calling down the power of the stars and the spaces between. It was in direct contrast to Rakain - whose magic was culled from an understanding of magic and arcane principles.

"Heeeeeeey," Rakain drawled.

"Dammit, outnumbered again," Sam muttered. Before, Ami, her and Nora had outnumbered the mages. As it was, Sam was once more in the minority of mundanes. Though it was hard to call her or Nora mundane.

Ami blushed. "Just...promise to not laugh, okay?" She asked, drawing her legs up, scooting away to look at the rest of them, using her elbow to pop the video chip out of her kludged together player.

"Fair enough, I promise not to laugh, make jokes, or otherwise poke humor at it." Sam put her hand on her chest, making the symbol of Iomede - the goddess of humanity.

"Don't think one of us would. I don't get magic but Hana and Raka sure do."

"So, clearly not clownomancy.." Hana said, nodding sagely, her finger rubbing her chin.

"Thug's honor," Sam added, the symbol of the goddess turning to a pair of horns with her pinkie and thumb. Ami giggled, quietly, then shot a look at Rakain, her eyes narrowing suspiciously. Rakain raised a bony eyebrow again as a means of answering her. Ami sighed.

"Okay. Fine. No more delaying. I'm studying..." she blushed, then grinned - her braces flashing. "Bardic magic."

Bardic Magic was ancient. As in it had been reconstructed after The Gap had wiped away memories and history with equal abandon. Only a few scraps of evidence existed to remind people it was there. But it wasn't just ancient and obscure. It was also kind of not exactly well received by modern magicians, who could tend to do similar effects with a lot less work, and a lot less silliness. No singing required for technomancy. No mystic ever danced to cast their songs. Lutes weren't required for solarians.

Ami tensed, some part of her clearly ready for them to make fun of her archaic magical choice.

Hana blinked slightly, "Why?" She said curiously, not mocking. "Also, gonna count that as a victory for mysticism, therefore ending the argument forever."

Well you do have a good singing voice and you are charming in a manner of ways." Sam said with a shrug, seeming to think her choice was normal.

Nora gave a shrug as she remained on the floor. "Doesn't bother me any. I'm sure our technomago would tease me for doing things by hand and understanding the science." She smiled ever so slightly at Rakain.

Rakain, though, just let out a breath. "I thought you were going to say necromancy or something really weird, phew!"

"Well now I am picturing Ami in one of those cheesy bone corsets, you know the ones with the skeleton hands as supporting the breasts?" Sam noted.

"The reason why I'm studying bardic magic is cause Benda didn't want me to learn other kinds of magic," Ami sighed. "And now that I think about it, I don't think she'll be crazy cool with me going into a dangerous starship graveyard and fighting goblins..." She smiled at Rakain. "No, of course I haven't gone into necromancy. Haven't we all just seen a serious minded take on the dangers of necromancy in the form of well directed art film?" she asked, holding up the Skinshaw Murders box.

Rakain gave a conciliatory shrug. "Point."

"Serious." Sam noted, dripping in sarcasm.

Hanna rolled her eyes. "That is necromancy for evil purposes, silly girl! You need to use necromancy for noble purposes, such as a perfectly preserved harem of girls who don't need to breathe." She grinned playfully, then winked at Ami. "And we're not doing that, silly! We're going out on a walk to get some exercise and some fresh air in our lungs! I mean, sure we might run into goblins, then we have to defend ourselves, right? And not taking the reward for them is just wasteful!"

Nora mouthed 'breasts' before rolling and pushing herself up with a yawn, "Don't let her stop you learning something awesome."

"Though for the record, almost android rape is apparently what Hana was wanting in Deep and Artsy." Sam said, her tone mimicking that of a professor as she side tracked the convo. Or attempted to.

Hana frowned, "No, I was just hoping for innocent jiggling titties and wasn't expecting super skeezy almost rape." She grumbled as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"At least we got jiggling, soft titties with her running away?" Nora put in.

Rakain snapped his fingers and pointed at Nora. "She's got a point."

"Just saying I prefer if titties are going to be covered in blood it's because the lady in question just finished beating ass." Hanna said, her voice prim.

Ami nodded, then blushed. "So...um," She bit her lip. "Do you guys maybe want to, um, get a jump on the other adventurers who might head for the shipswamp by, uh, heading out the instant the storm drops in the morning? Maybe...before Bentha wakes up?" She asked - her finger tracing a circle on Rakin's thigh as she looked at the floor - clearly knowing she was proposing running away.

Sam blinked, not expecting that response from Hana. "Yeah, I already dug myself a hole so lets dig up a ship instead."

"Sounds good to me!" Hana said cheerfully, "So, now begins the slumber party!"

Rakain put a hand on Ami's shoulder. "I'm game. Let's do it."

"Just make sure your leave a note." Sam added pointly.

Ami's hand went to her necklace, touching it under her collar. Her eyes closed and then she smiled as she looked up at Rakain. "So, um...Rakain..." She grinned. "Do you promise to behave yourself while all us pretty, innocent, nubile girls are sleeping?" she asked, her voice teasing as she grinned. "Because Hana would never ever do something pervy. She's as innocent as a daisy! Men are what I need to worry about." She blushed as she spoke, looking a bit concerned. "T-That was a joke, just to be clear!"

Rakain let his hand drop. "If Hana's not pervy, I'm a ysoki."

Ami snorted. "That does explain the tail. I can't think of any other logical rational for it."

"Heeeey! Wait a second here! I think you're making fun of me!" Hana said, pouting playfully. "Gods! You molest a girl fifteen or twenty times on camera while she's asleep and you get some weird reputation!"

"It's true," Sam said. "People are very judgmental sometimes."

Ami blinked. "Wait, what now?" she asked, in faux surprise. Her hands went to her chest - miming feeling herself up, as if to check if she had been molested recently. Nora snorted softly as she cradled her drone, lifting the little machine up so it could perch on her shoulder. "So much evidence..."