Staring at the Sun Ch. 06

Chapter 6 – Wednesday

The early hours of the morning are a terrible time to be awake. After my frightening discovery I had lain awake for ages, fighting against the panic that had been with me since I'd found the small lump in my breast. The desire I'd been feeling had disappeared immediately and my first thought was to rush to the phone and call my mother. I knew her wise reassurance would help with the fear I was experiencing but it was far too late in the evening and the last thing I wanted to do was worry her. This was the third time I'd found a small lump in my breasts and the other two had been benign. My dread was that this time I wouldn't be so lucky.

Richard was snoring beside me and I envied him his lack of anxiety. I debated about whether to tell him or not; he had enough to worry about at the moment, but this was far more serious for me than the problems with the business and our marriage. It truly put those issues into perspective.

After succumbing to sleep at last, I was awake again as the morning sun streamed through the windows. Glancing at the clock I saw it was 5am and knowing that I'd never get back to an unconscious state I got out of bed and had a shower. Standing there with the hot water gushing over me, I felt out the lump once again. It was still there, a tiny bead that held so many fears for me. My rational self stressed again that it was benign, a consequence of my female hormones, and I willed myself to remain calm, but I noticed my hands were shaking as I towelled myself dry.

Richard was awake when I went back into the bedroom, yawning and looking at his watch with confusion.

"It's early. What's up?"

I hesitated. Part of me wanted to tell him, but I knew that he couldn't handle subjects like this. He always shied away from health issues and with both children he had preferred to pace the corridor outside while I had pushed and yelled his two offspring into the world. As a way of trying to help, he would insist that I contact a French doctor and there would be another argument when I refused.

"I'm fine, the sun woke me."

He looked at me closely for a minute and then disappeared into the bathroom where I heard the flush of the toilet. I pulled on a hotel bathrobe and opened the suitcase which was half-full of folded clothes. It was still too early to go down to breakfast so I finished the packing, my mind on other things, half of me still wanting to share my news but dreading his response.

An hour later, we were both quiet as we sipped coffee and spread jam on our croissants. My stomach was churning with nerves and I was amazed I was able to eat anything at all, let alone the flaky pastry that seemed to stick in my throat.

"There's something wrong, Louise. What is it?"

I looked up in surprise at his words. "What makes you say that?"

"You seem distracted. Are you really dreading this so much?"

"If I am, what can we do about it? Jake's expecting us now and we'd look pretty silly if we suddenly refused to go and see him."

"Look, I'll make this up to you, I promise. When everything's sorted out and things return to normal we'll go away for a break."

I looked at him and almost laughed. That was so typical of Richard. Ignore the real issues and just try and plaster over the cracks. Spend more money on a holiday that neither of us really wanted and pretend everything was fine.

I shrugged my shoulders and refilled my coffee cup. "We'll see."

"You say that to the children...am I relegated to that position now?"

I sighed. "No, Richard. I just don't think we should make any plans at the moment. How can we?"

"Have it your way," he answered and glared at me, his face showing the irritation he was feeling.

"I just want to get this over with and then go home. I feel as if this holiday has been ruined, Richard. It's just been one long ordeal."

For one moment I thought he was going to explode but he managed to contain his anger. "Right, OK, you've made your point perfectly clear, Louise. We'll go and see Jake and then head home after the weekend. How's that?"

I stared at him for a minute, feeling all my frustration and anger well up in me again. It was obvious he was now going to blame me for our sudden return but I no longer cared.

After breakfast, we packed the car and went to pay the bill for our two nights. I couldn't bear to stay with Richard while he paid, dreading the consequences if our card was declined, and went out to the car, enjoying the warmth of the sunshine and the clear morning sky.

I sat in the car with my eyes closed and felt out the lump again. Another wave of panic swept through me and my hand hovered over the car phone, the temptation to call my mother almost unbearable. But what could she do when she was so far away?

Richard appeared and by the look on his face I knew that we had got away with using the card again. He sat down in the driving seat and sighed. "Look, I'm sorry, Louise. Let's forget what we said at breakfast shall we? I'm as fed up as you are with this atmosphere between us."

He started up the engine and we began our long journey to the wine town of Cahors in the Dordogne. The day was beautiful, the sun shone down on the car and in any other circumstances I would have felt wonderful. The open road before us, the air-conditioning keeping us cool, the prospect of a stay with friends. But it all felt so wrong, somehow. There was doubt and uncertainty everywhere and with the added worry of my health I just felt like curling up in a ball and forgetting the world for a while. I yearned for the carefree days before the holiday when my biggest decision was what colour to paint the kitchen.

I felt a terrible churning in my stomach as I thought ahead to the investigations that would be carried out when I got home. The waiting for the outcome, the fear and anxiety and how it would affect my family. Could I cope with all this, I wondered?

Once on the motorway, Richard put his foot down and the miles were covered with ease. We didn't talk much and I stared out of the window at the passing scenery, my thoughts consumed by hospitals and doctors. When the mobile phone rang I jumped with nerves, my hand shaking as I picked it up.

"Louise? Hi, it's Jake here."

My heart immediately raced at his voice and I forced myself to sound normal. "Oh, hello Jake. We're on our way."

"Do you need directions? I told Richard where we are but he may have forgotten."

"I think we're OK Jake, thanks. Richard's marked the village on the map and I've been given the job of navigating."

Richard laughed and shouted so Jake could hear. "We'll get lost, no doubt about that. Send out a search party if we're not there by midnight."

I laughed but felt again that twist of annoyance. My husband seemed determined to make me appear stupid in front of Jake.

"Don't worry, Louise. We're easy to find. Tell your husband he's a rude bastard. And we'll expect you early afternoon. Time for a swim, hey?"

I laughed again and said goodbye, his warm tones still ringing in my ears as I imagined his rustic farmhouse, the glittering pool and the equally glittering people that would be there too. I sighed again and Richard glanced at me as he drove.

"What's up?"

"Nothing. I'm just wondering if the clothes I have with me will be suitable."

"Suitable for what?"

"Well, the dinners that Jake's planning to give, all the parties."

"Louise, for heaven's sake! You've brought enough stuff to last you months!"

"You don't know what it'll be like, Richard. The women there, they'll be examining my clothes, searching for designer labels, giving me the once-over."

Richard burst out laughing. "You amaze me sometimes. It's just a bloody farmhouse in some godforsaken part of the Dordogne. We're not talking Paris or Rome, you know."

I stayed silent and carried on gazing out of the window, mentally going through my wardrobe and picking out outfits for the next few days. I imagined Jilly (her name even irritated me) swooping about her domain in designer dresses, her blonde highlighted hair glinting in the sun.

"Have you ever met Jilly Harper?"

My husband cleared his throat and paused while he overtook a tiny Citroen. "No, I haven't. Heard a lot about her though."

"Such as what?"

Another look of irritation. "Oh, hell I don't know, Louise! Why are you so interested?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I just wanted to know that's all. I wanted to know a little about the woman who puts up with Jake."

My sarcastic comment sparked an hour's silence between us as we headed south, the outside temperature growing by the hour. The fields either side of us were baking under the relentless sun and I had to admit that the idea of a swim was appealing.

"How long?" I asked and glanced at the map. "Tell me when we get near."

Richard grunted and I turned the map upside down. "Do you know where we are?"

An exit sign flashed by and I swore. "Damn! Can't you slow down a bit? How can I see where we are if you drive like a maniac?"

Richard took his foot off the accelerator and pulled into the inside lane as I examined the map again. "Shall we stop for some lunch?" "I don't mind. Just tell me where."

"There's a large town coming up, Brive-la-Gaillarde," I replied. "I want to buy something for Jilly."

Richard whistled in amazement. "You want to what?"

"Buy something for Jilly...and Jake, I suppose."

"Why?"

"Because we can't just turn up with nothing, can we?"

"We've got cases of wine in the back! Won't a few bottles do?"

"No."

Richard laughed. "Ah, I see! This is all about feminine competition, isn't it? It's not really a gift for them, it's a statement."

I ignored him and stared out of the window, the bright sun making me squint as I read the road signs. What would I buy someone I'd never met? But equally whom I'd never wanted to meet in the first place?

*

After a light lunch of baguettes and coffee, I left Richard sitting outside a café and wandered around the shops. My hand kept straying to my mobile again, but I resisted the urge to call home. Finding a smart household goods shop I wandered in and spotted a crystal vase, the price tag making me hesitate for a while, but I was determined not to show up as the poor relative. I loathed being in debt to anyone and I knew that after this stay with the Harpers, I would feel beholden to them for life. The expensive vase was the only way I could feel a little better about the whole affair.

The charming assistant gift-wrapped it for me and I looked around the shop, seeing so many beautiful items that would have been wonderful in my own home. Ordinarily, I would have splurged on credit but it seemed that those days were over.

Walking back to the café I caught sight of Richard talking into his mobile. His voice was animated and although I couldn't catch his words, seeing how happy he looked twisted me up inside. What had happened between us to make him so irritated with me? So annoyed and angry one minute, then filled with remorse the next?

As I approached, he turned away slightly and finished his call, his fingers running through his thick dark hair. Draining the last of his coffee he stood and asked, "All done?"

I nodded and he looked down at the shiny plastic bag I was carrying. "What did you get them?"

"A vase. It's crystal. Do you think that's OK?"

He shrugged. "I suppose so, but I'm sure a couple of bottles of Burgundy would have been more than enough."

"Who was on the phone?"

"Just your father."

"You looked pretty animated. Good news?"

His look of confusion surprised me. "Good news about what?"

"I don't know, Richard. You just seemed so happy. I thought maybe my father had some good news."

By way of an answer he took my arm and almost pulled me back to the car park. "Come on, we need to get going. I said we'd be there by two."

The next hour was almost silent, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Richard kept his foot pressed down on the accelerator and the miles sped by while I studied the map, determined to guide us straight to the village where Jake lived without making a single mistake.

Once off the motorway we followed small rural roads, the signs almost obscured by the abundant summer foliage. Tiny hamlets appeared at intervals, and large dark forests cut the glare of the sun, making it easier for me to read the map. Every now and again I read out a direction to Richard and he followed my instructions, our sudden teamwork lightening the atmosphere in the car.

Eventually we entered the tiny village where Jake had chosen his second home and I breathed a sigh of relief as we recognised the name of the farmhouse engraved on a stone wall.

"Well done." Richard looked at me and smiled. "That was difficult, I must admit. It's like a maze around here."

With a crunch of tyres, we pulled up outside the house and I gasped. Jake's assertions that it was a crumbling shack were obviously a lie and I wondered why he hadn't just told us the truth. The house was huge and took up three sides of a courtyard. Made of a mellow local stone, the shuttered windows glinted softly in the afternoon sun. The paintwork was subtle, smart and screamed money and taste. Semi-derelict it certainly wasn't.

At the sound of the car, three large dogs hurtled out of the house and surrounded the car, barking madly. They were followed closely by Jake himself, casually dressed in scruffy shorts and a tee shirt but despite his attire he still looked suave and stylish, my traitorous heart leaping as he smiled at me through the window.

"Hi!" he shouted above the din. "You found us then! Any problems?"

Richard gingerly opened the car door and got out. The dogs fawned around him, tails wagging and tongues lolling as he stroked them. "What a great place! It's beautiful!"

Jake smiled and looked at me as I emerged from the car too. "Yes, we get by, I suppose. Still needs some work doing on it though."

I smoothed my skirt and ran my hands through my hair as Richard opened the boot and took out our cases. I was conscious of feeling travel weary and hot and would have loved to have had a shower, but it seemed Jake had other plans.

"Dump your things and then come around to the back of the house. Mike's here with Lisa and some other couples who are staying."

I glanced at Richard in despair but he was already walking with Jake to a far corner of the courtyard, so I picked up my holdall and followed them, my heart sinking as I imagined the scene about to greet me.

Our rooms were tastefully decorated and furnished and I heaved the luggage onto the bed and sat down. Obviously Jilly had taken great care with the interior of the house and I couldn't help admiring the heavy curtains, starched bed linen and thick carpets. Our bathroom was spotlessly clean and smelt brand new. No expense had been spared.

"This is fantastic," said Richard as he gazed out of the window at the view. Behind our bedroom was a small sitting area with an outlook over the vineyards. I could hear shouts and screams of laughter and went to look at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, dreading what awaited me.

Despite the heat of the sun, my face still looked pale and I noticed my mascara was smeared on one cheek. My hair looked messy and dry and I could see shadows under my eyes where I had been sleeping so badly. Sighing I found my make-up bag and tried to conceal the dark smudges, applying some more lipstick and running a comb through my hair.

Richard came into the bathroom and noisily peed behind me, a sigh of contentment escaping from his lips. "This is great! I can't believe we're staying somewhere so beautiful."

I didn't answer and carried on trying to repair the damage to my face, my hands shaking slightly as I applied some blusher to my cheeks.

"Are you coming?"

"Yes, hang on a minute. I look a mess."

"Louise, for heaven's sake! No-one will care what you look like."

Snapping my make-up bag shut, I followed Richard back into the bedroom, gazing down at my creased clothes in dismay. "Have I got time to change?"

He rounded on me with a look of amazement on his face. "No! Let's just go! I'm dying for a drink."

He ushered me out of the room and back into the glare of the afternoon sun. I felt over-dressed and grubby, my eyes sore from concentrating so hard on the map. To the right of the main house was a narrow walkway and I followed Richard as he strode towards the source of the noise. I could hear splashes and screams and ran my fingers through my hair again, my stomach churning at the thought of meeting so many new people.

The narrow path gave out onto a broad terrace and I was overwhelmed by the sight of the azure pool, the table and chairs set out under the shade of a large tree, the sheer amount of people gathered together.

Jake broke away from the group and came over to us, taking my hands in his and kissing me on both cheeks. "Louise! You look beautiful!"

I knew full well I didn't but Jake had turned his attention to Richard and was leading him over to a group of men who were standing, drinks in hand, in a small knot. Loud laughter was coming from their part of the terrace and I saw one of the men hold his hand out to Richard with a grin.

I was left alone and my stomach heaved with nerves. Anxiously scanning the group for the only other person I knew, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Turning, I looked straight into Mike's warm brown eyes and sighed with relief. "Mike! How are you?"

He smiled and kissed me, his lips warm and tender on my cheek. "I'm fine, Louise. More importantly, how are you?"

I shrugged my shoulders and suddenly had the insane desire to cry again. Fighting back the tears that his kind words had almost created I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. "I'm great, I suppose. A bit hot."

"Come with me, I'll introduce you to Lisa and Jilly. Where's Jake wandered off to?"

"He's disappeared with Richard, I think." I pointed over to the small group of men who had absorbed my husband into their midst. More laugher came from the group and I suddenly felt a wave of loneliness and anxiety wash over me. I couldn't believe I had managed to get myself into this position and felt a surge of anger towards my husband who had just left me to my own devices, knowing how much I dreaded this meeting.

"Relax, Louise. You look so tense."

I smiled but I couldn't help the nervous feeling churning away in my stomach, how inadequate I felt with my creased clothes and hastily made up face.

We walked towards the group and I knew which woman was Jake's wife straight away. She was holding court with a small crowd of women and when she saw Mike, her eyes lit up.

"Mike!" she said, "We were just wondering where you'd got to!"

He laughed and took my hand again, pulling me forward. "This is Louise, Richard's wife. I'm sure she could do with a glass of champagne!"

Jilly laughed but I noticed she was studying me carefully and I wondered whether Jake had tipped her off about my attitude.

"Louise!" she said warmly coming over to kiss me on both cheeks. "It's so lovely to meet you. Mike, go get Louise a drink!"

Mike bowed slightly and I felt a twinge of disappointment. He was flirting with Jake's wife but I couldn't really blame him. Jilly was stunningly attractive with shoulder length blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and a figure that had obviously been honed by an expensive gym. She radiated money and taste, shorts and tee-shirt immaculately pressed and colour co-ordinated. Her small crowd of admirers all wore the same uniform of tailored shorts and expensive tops, their hair expertly highlighted and coiffed. I suddenly felt shabby and very much the outsider.

Mike came back with a brimming glass of champagne and I sipped it thankfully, the cold bubbles slipping down my throat and easing the dryness I was feeling. I could see Richard entertaining the group of men, his face alight with happiness and bonhomie. He was in his element and no-one would have suspected that the last five days had been an ordeal of stress and tension.