Staying Silent

Alice fell for him in the graveyard silence when the lights had faded and the songs were sung, and that was no small thing.

She rationed her affections. Men had to wear her down to get a taste. That's just how it had always worked; attraction came only with familiarity. And yet, there she stood in the audience, enchanted by a musician whom she had never met.

But why not this man whose voice seduced and words inspired? He was of growing renown, a friend to women (if his lyrics were to be believed) and a generous gift for their eyes no less. Is it any wonder?

A month after the concert, Alice sat in a meeting and remembered his name. "What about Kai?" she said, and her colleagues nodded, smiling. It was an ambitious suggestion to be sure, but Kai was a sucker for a good cause, wasn't he? Just maybe he'd accept. The gig was a fundraiser for rape victims, after all.

Of course Kai agreed.

As the organiser of the event, Alice got to meet him. And would you believe they hit it off? He liked her! Liked her, liked her. No-one was more surprised than Alice.

The event was a giant success and soon after, Alice and Kai started dating. The first month was glorious — a whirlwind adventure of gigs, parties, road-tripping, and sex, which was predictably vigorous.

Kai was nothing if not exciting. After being his groupie for a twelve-city tour, when life threatened to resemble her mundane existence of old, Kai introduced Alice to the wonderful world of BDSM. Ultimately, he was to thank for the friends that she continued to make in the community and all the experiences that she would not have traded for the world. And on balance, Alice was grateful. It's just a pity that Kai turned out to be an abusive asshole...

Alice was handcuffed to the bed, lying on her tummy, spread-eagled, legs tied with rope. The comfortable pain of the stretch and the vulnerable danger of the scene enhanced the sex. All was good.

That is, until Kai hit her unexpectedly, a blinding pain at the back of the head. How many times he struck her, she couldn't say. Three? Enough to leave her with a mild concussion.

Of course, she challenged him afterwards. Kai's excuse was simply to say, "I'm a dominant." And following the incident, he was incredibly sweet to her. "Good girl," he sang softly in her ear as he cuddled and comforted her.

And stuck in her ignorance was the thought that she must have given him the right to hurt her like he did. She had agreed to play the submissive in the scene, didn't she? And besides, no-one respected women more than Kai; he wouldn't knowingly abuse one. Not Kai.

Alice lost enthusiasm for everything in the following weeks and their relationship quickly deteriorated. Kai dumped her over the phone, gentleman that he was, and she never heard from him again.

She sought help for the crippling depression that followed their break up, and after months of therapy and learning about BDSM, she finally came to realise and accept that she had, in fact, been the victim of sexual abuse.

In this time, Kai had become an international star, winning music awards and legions of fans — most of them women. A year later, a photo of him went viral. He wore a t-shirt that read, "This is what a feminist looks like." The hypocrisy killed Alice.

Sometimes, before falling asleep, she felt overwhelmed with guilt at staying silent. Did Kai abuse other women too? She wanted to report him, but who would believe a bitter, gold-digging, ex-girlfriend? No matter that it wasn't true, that's what people would believe. God, the thought of fighting a public battle was too much. The media, if they even cared to report, would no doubt exploit the fact that she was into BDSM. It'd be an easy character assassination. What would her work colleagues and parents think? No, she couldn't stomach the turmoil.

Despite her progress, Alice still felt responsible. She had fallen for Kai, organised to meet him, put herself in a vulnerable position without really understanding power dynamics, and she couldn't even recognise his abuse without the help of a therapist. How could she have been so stupid? If only she hadn't been so ignorant. She could've discussed limits, scripted the scene, set expectations... Maybe the whole ordeal could have been avoided.

Thinking like that was silly, of course. Abusers abuse, and Alice knew that. But you feel what you feel.

When the news broke of Weinstein and Spacey et al., Alice seriously considered accusing Kai for the first time. Maybe someone would actually believe her. But people's belief would not change the consequences. That month, more so than ever, she felt trapped. She was damned if she did, damned if she didn't. In the end, she chose self-preservation. All she wanted was to forget the past and move on.

But life is bitter-sweet; Alice never forgot.