Still You Want Me Ch. 08

"Would it be selfish of me to ask for us to be only friends for the time being? I want to make sure my feelings for you are legitimate and, also, I was hiding a big thing about me. I want time to talk about it and to share that part of me. I think it's important for me and for you."

I've always told myself that my secret doesn't change anything, but I'm smart enough to know it does. There's a huge part of my life that he doesn't know about and it defines a lot of who I am and why.

"I can respect that, I'd actually prefer it. I don't want to, but I can wait as long as you did if it means that you'll know, without a doubt, that you want to be with me."

I can't speak for Charles, but I'm relieved, to say the least, that everything is out in the open and to have all of the truths spoken.

"Colin, I'm glad we had this talk, but I should be going to go back to the club and get my car."

He looks at me with hesitation and asks.

"Is this going to be awkward now? I hope it isn't."

"Maybe, a little."

I tease and he laughs before asking.

"Can I give you a hug or is that asking too much?"

Definitely, not too much!

The instant I feel his touch, all of the bottled up emotions of today's events vanish. I can't say electrifying is the word, but it never felt like this when I touched Jesse...this is, different. A good different! We hug and rest our heads on the other's shoulder. I don't want to let go.

"Okay. Yeah, I needed that!"

He smiles a real smile that makes his dimple pop.

"I'm going to go now."

Now that he's here and the door between us is open, I don't want him to go. The hesitations and questions I'd been carrying around evaporated when we hugged. It's not that the hug itself was that good, I mean, I was great, but I think it's more the understanding that my feelings aren't taboo or isolated only to me. I gesture toward my apartment door.

"Would you like to come up?"

"Um, of course I want to. But it's already one thirty in the morning and I need to get my car. I'm not going to get home until two thirty as it is."

I laugh at the mix up.

"I guess I meant, do you want to stay the night? I mean, we've been doing it for a month, I think one more night is okay."

I start to press the code to the door.

"Ah, no. Sorry."

I'm a little taken aback, I really didn't expect him to say no. He looks at a me and I can tell it's killing him.

"I don't want to jeopardize anything. If your confusion is because we've slept together every night and generally spend too much time together, then I want to respect that boundary."

He gives a regretful smile.

"Goodnight, Colin."

I understand his reasoning and it's fundamentally sound, but that doesn't stop the disappointment from overwhelming me.

"Okay, goodnight. Will you at least text me when you get home? You know, let me know you're safe?"

He nods and walks back to the club. I go upstairs and lay on my own bed, alone, for the first time in four weeks. It doesn't take long to realize how naive and stupid I've been, how clear it is that he feels something for me, and how I'd clearly been falling for him.

I'm so stupid! I smash my head against my pillow, repeatedly. I definitely want to be with Charles! I still want to talk to him about me, now that I'm fully out to him about everything, but tonight, I want him in my bed and with our arms wrapped around each other.

* * CHARLES * *

I look at my phone to find out who's texting me at one forty-three a.m.!

[Colin] I'm so stupid! Please, come back!

Yes!

Without thinking, I turn toward Colin's and start walking fast. This is actually happening! I've waited so long for this!

I stop, instantly. No, I can't. If I rush back, and if we rush things, we might make a mistake. I want to be with Colin tonight, but I'd rather be with Colin in fifteen years from tonight. I stare at my phone, happily re-reading his text. Finally, I regretfully respond.

[Charles] Not tonight, Colin. Sorry.

[Colin] I'm not trying to seduce you, asshole.

Oh but I wish you were!

[Charles] I know, but the answer is still no.

[Colin] I want to be with you.

Oh, fuck. I stop, again, turn around, and face the direction of his apartment as my mind fights itself.

No? Yes? Maybe? Maybe yes, but only to talk? Nothing sexual. Maybe a kiss? No, nothing! Ugh!

[Charles] I thought you weren't trying to seduce me?

[Colin] I'm not, that's the only thing I want to do. I just want to be with you.

[Charles] Let's wait until after we talk, first, but not tonight.

[Charles] Let the record reflect that I turned down Colin Clarke. I'm so fucking respectful that I hate myself!

[Colin] Yeah, well, I hate you, too. Drive safe.

I don't even recognize myself. Who am I? I just turned down sharing a bed with Colin, knowing we'd probably fool around.

God, I want to fool around with him! Frustrated at what I've given up, I kick a small pebble on the sidewalk and send it bouncing down the street. I love and hate the person I am with Colin.

* * *

[Charles] I'm home safe. Night!

* * *

I wake up with a start. Is that my doorbell? I grab my phone to check the time and notice three things: first, it's two minutes after seven a.m.; second, I have texts from Colin; and third, I have four missed calls.

[Colin] Six thirty a.m. - I'm coming over.

[Colin] One minute after seven - Wake up, asshole. I'm outside.

Shit! Colin's a morning person, but not like this! Something must be wrong so I wrap a blanket around my naked body and hustle to the front door where Colin playfully says.

"What the hell took you so long?"

He looks me over and laughs as he steps past me.

"Did I miss the toga party?"

He's wearing a pair of jeans and a charcoal-grey zip fleece. Simple, casual, and one hundred percent smoking hot! He's also wearing his glasses today, so yeah, my morning wood is at full salute!

"I was sleeping and my phone was on silent. I thought something was wrong so I hurried to the door."

He eyes me suspiciously.

"You're naked?"

"No, I'm wearing this sheet."

I do the Vanna White sweep over my lovely toga then seductively raise one brow.

"But yes, I normally sleep naked. I wore clothes before only because you were here."

"So, you're telling me you wore clothes when you had a boy in your bed for a whole month, but sleep naked your first night alone? That's a blow to my self-esteem!"

Colin pouts his lips and starts tugging at my toga as he tries to see underneath. I'm tempted to let him have his way, but you know me...Mr. Respectful. I slap his hand away.

"Get your dirty hands off. I'm saving myself!"

I go to my bedroom to change into a tight pair of briefs to help control the massive boner I'm sporting, sweatpants, and a long sleeve shirt that will hopefully help cover everything, then return to the kitchen, and Colin.

"Okay, what's so important that you had to interrupt my eight hours of beauty rest? Some of us had to commute home last night, you know."

I start making coffee and silently offer tea, of which he accepts.

"I can't have Mr. Respectable deny me, again. You know, in the future? I came to talk and get stuff sorted out."

He takes a seat at the table. Colin's full of energy and happy, to boot. I, on the other hand, am barely awake. My brain is struggling to be present, but Colin's bubbly optimism is starting to wake me up. I smile at him, a little teasingly. Mostly, though, I'm very anxious.

"Okay, talk."

My stomach is a combination of butterflies and sailor knots. I'm giddy about Colin's eagerness to talk, so much so that he felt the need to show up at seven a.m., yet, nervous because I don't know what's going to be said. You'd think, after months of pining over him, I'd be more prepared for this moment.

Nope!

"Oh. Okay. Well, I should've expected you to be straight and to the point. Blah. I'm really nervous all of a sudden."

All of the bravado he came in with has evaporated.

"I suppose I should explain why I made a big secret about my life although I probably don't have to explain social politics to you?"

I shake my head that it's not necessary because I'm fully aware.

"I figured. And I'll bet you were always popular, good at sports, attractive, and outgoing."

Yep.

"You and I didn't have the same experiences. My home life was great and my parents were amazing, but I didn't align with the physical or social expectation of wealth. During high school, because I was tiny and unappealing, I was relentlessly bullied. I'm sure there were kids out there that were bullied worse, but you can't justify that to a kid who's being picked on.

"My dad was the wealthiest of my friends' dads. The kids couldn't join me because I was a social pariah, so they beat me...emotionally, and a little physically. Then, during College, I grew up and wasn't a tiny loser anymore. Out of nowhere, people were noticing me. I was trying to transition away from My old life, to Colin, but my identity wasn't a secret so everyone knew how much money I had.

"All of a sudden, I was desirable and everyone wanted me. I've always hated the way the social system of the wealthy works. No one ever wants to know...me! They only want to be associated with my money. I hate being used and relationships being propositioned for business or personal gain. It's shitty!

"But that's the life, I guess. I want nothing to do with it, though. I know there are parts that are impossible and there are a lot of things I can't control, but I can control going to work like a regular Joe and earning respect based off of merit, not expectation.

"Yes, I'll probably take my dad's place, someday—partially because I'm his son, but mostly because I'm a badass who grew up in the ClarkeCo building, I learned the ropes as a child, I worked hard in college, I'll have learned everything about the company, and I'll have worked from the bottom to the top. I'll be CEO, not because it'll be given to me, but because I'll have fucking earned it!"

He lets out a breath of exhaustion.

"Any questions?"

Not really, most of what he said is as I'd expected. I'd pieced together those bits, but it's good to have everything confirmed.

"Yes. If you grew up here and everyone knows you, how'd you hide it for over seven months?"

"I have no idea, really. I'm sure the name change and the fact I completely transformed are the two main reasons. My dad had some confidential meetings with the employees, executives, and board members that knew me and basically threatened certain death. It didn't work, not really, they're all terrible with secrets. Brett's the worst, though! No, actually, my dad's the worst, but I see Brett more so he's more of the imminent danger."

"I thought Brett was maybe a closet gay in love with you!"

We both laugh because it's true, Brett did love Colin, just not the way I thought.

"I guess those solo meetings, when you first started, make sense now."

I joke.

"Maybe now, I can finally get over that!"

"For the record, I was angry about that. I told Brett, and dad, that I didn't want to do it. Nepotism was exactly what I was trying to avoid."

Now that I think back, I do remember him being somewhat frustrated.

"Colin, can I ask you a question? It's not important. It's more out of curiosity to see how accurate Tim was. Is your trust fund really eighty-five million dollars? I swear, I don't care. I have my own money. More, now that you made me feel guilty about spending too much."

He rolls his eyes.

"You care, everyone cares, it's part of life. To answer your question, it isn't eighty-five million dollars, but it's close enough that he isn't wrong."

He shrugs. It's obvious he doesn't like talking about this particular subject and more obvious that he doesn't plan to make it a habit.

"What do you do with it? I mean, you don't spend any money and you live below your salary. Is your money just sitting there?"

I'm genuinely curious what happens to roughly eighty-five million dollars when you live like a poor person.

"I guess most of its invested so it's hard at work making more money. I give exactly, a shit ton of money, away every year to non-profit organizations, mainly in Oregon, but not exclusively. I don't buy stuff, but I spend money on experiences. I've been busy this year because of work, but I normally travel when possible, that's the thing I do."

We continue talking about this and more—his life, his family, his painful experiences, and his boyfriends or lack there of. I'm happy to have everything on the table, there's so much I didn't know! So many things he felt like he couldn't share because he wasn't honest about who he was. I should be angry, but I'm just happy to be sitting here with him, talking about everything. Finally, Colin asks.

"So, do you think we've talked enough? It's almost three in the afternoon and I'm hungry!"

I tease him.

"I know you better now than I did yesterday!"

He leans forward and brushes his lips against mine.

"Good, now I get to satisfy my hunger!"

Wait. What? I slightly pull away.

"What are you doing?"

He leans in to capture my lips, again.

"I'm trying to kiss my boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?"

I'm so happy and so confused. I don't want to question him, but I thought he said he needed time and space? What if I'm a rebound? What if he's confused because of all the nights we spent together?

"I thought we talked about everything so, you know, we could start dating?"

Colin shimmies onto my lap, straddles my hips, and presses himself forward.

Oh, holy hell!

I don't know what to do with my hands, I feel like such a virgin. His body's innocently, or not so innocently, putting pressure on all of the right spots. I shouldn't. I want to, but I can't. I firmly place my hands palm down on the couch. I want to grab his waist and press out bodies together, but if I do, I'll lose all my resolve and end up raping him, I'd be a total savage.

"Colin, last night you said you weren't sure if your feelings were legitimate. Those were your words. You wanted us to talk in addition to you sorting out your feelings. That was fourteen hours ago and I don't believe you've figured everything out, yet."

Our mouths are so close, I can feel him breathing against my skin, and I'm kicking myself for speaking. Millimeters away from our first kiss.

"Colin, I want to believe it, I really do."

It's taking all of my willpower not to surrender to his advancement. I remind myself that everything can be ruined if we jump the gun.

"But I—"

"Charlie, I figured it out the second you left last night—I swear!"

Colin's stroking my hair with his hands and his eyes are burning my soul with desire.

"I want you to be my boyfriend and I want to fucking kiss you. I've been dying to do it for a week now."

One week, huh? Must be so hard! Give me a break! He thinks he's suffering? I'll show him suffering!

I softly brush the tip of my nose across his face.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. This week has been so hard (emphasis on hard)!"

I gently draw his hips forward so he can feel the hardness between us.

Mmm, so hard!

"Colin, I've wanted you for seven months—"

I inhale his scent and gingerly caress my hands up his back. I can feel his body shudder under my touch. Fuck, keep it together!

"I've wanted you since the first day I saw you."

I feel his breath hitch as I continue my exploration.

"Suddenly, sex seemed meaningless if it wasn't with you, so I stopped."

I slowly lay him on the couch, hover over him, and speak with a slow drawl.

"Then, the same day I found out you were gay, was the same day I watched you slowly fall in love with another man."

Colin moans and thrusts his hips toward mine as I gently nip at the base of his neck.

"I heard all of those juicy details for six months."

I slip my tongue along his ear.

"Yummy, by the way—"

I lace my seduction in a heavy layer of sarcasm.

"Then, I slept in the same bed with you."

I start venturing down his chest and lifting his shirt to expose his incredibly sexy stomach.

"For. Twenty. Eight. Nights."

Colin's body is shaking so much with desire, he can't hold still as I run my tongue across his belly button. I follow each of the next five words with a gentle bite.

"I. Never. Touched. You. Once."

As I run my hands over the love bites, I tell Colin.

"I've been a very, very patient man. Normally, I would've tried to seduce a man the first night."

He's mewling, nonstop, and his back arches off of the couch as I ever so softly, and barely, brush his jeans as I run my hand across his bulge. His eyes are glazed with lust and fire.

"But what I feel for you is more than physical."

With that, I abruptly get off of the couch, leaving Colin in a state of, what I hope is, confusion, frustration, and sexual arousal. I casually yell over my shoulder.

"So, please do me a favor and wait longer than fourteen hours before you try to jump my bones. I'm not looking for a quick fuck—been there, done that!"

"Goddamn, mother fucking, fuck, *garble garble*"

Colin's mumbled profanities in my wake cause me to laugh. He quips as he rushes into the kitchen, slamming his palms down on the counter as if to brace himself for a fight. He growls but there's no bite.

"Are you fucking serious? What you just did was low!"

I put my finger to my lips as if in deep thought.

"Hmm, I seem to remember a time when you had a special song request which you wanted us to sing together. I memorized that quirky song. What was it? Garfunkel and Oates' song, Fuck You? I can't remember the details."

I smirk at him, as he lays his head on the counter in defeat, before I rub his back.

"Yeah, I sure had fun that night! There's nothing like helping the man you love by helping him serenade the man he loves, with a song about sex, so they can go home and...Fuck. All. Night. Long!"

I ruffle his hair playfully because I have no hard feelings. He pops his head up and looks at me in disbelief. His hair's all messed up, again. He's so freaking cute!

"You love me?"

Duh.

"Not very much!"

I smile and finish washing the vegetables in the sink. Colin walks over to where I'm prepping food, stands behind me, and wraps his arms around my waist.

"Yes, you love me and I don't think you want to say no."

He starts sliding his hands toward the waistband of my sweats. There's not much room for him to explore since they're already riding low on my hips. I can feel his fingers itching for more as his voice drops considerably.

"You've already waited so long, it'd be a shame if you had to wait any longer."

Little Charlie betrays me the moment Colin pulls me back and presses his erection firmly against my ass. I'm instantly filled with lust. I spin around, so we're facing each other, and slowly palm my hand toward his rock hard erection. My palm is millimeters away from his pulsing hardness and I feel his breath hitch as I seductively lean toward his ear and whisper.

"I think it's time—for you to go home."

I let go of him and casually return to the vegetables.

"I fucking hate you!"

Colin grabs his jacket and starts to hastily put it on.

"You're a real piece of work, Gabett!"

I look up to see him flipping me off, with a smile, and he yells before slamming the door behind him.

"Fucking asshole!"

Yeah, I love you, too.

Buzz

[Colin] You suck!

Har, har.

[Charles] That's what she said...or he said!

[Colin] You're not funny.

Yet, somehow I know he's laughing.

Glad to see I'm under your skin.

I send one last text, just to tease him a bit.

[Charles] Don't text and drive, it's not safe.