Storms Never Last Ch. 01

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JakeRivers
JakeRivers
1,059 Followers

A third real plus was the cost of housing. It was a bonus after living with the cost of houses in California. Annie wanted to get a town house close to her work, but since I worked mostly at home I needed more space. After a lot of arguing—which added even more un-needed stress—we decided on a house in Rollingwood, west of downtown and the University. It was on a heavily wooded, oversize ell shaped lot, a little over an acre. The house wasn't large; two bedrooms with two baths. It worked though, since the kitchen had a fairly large breakfast area, I was able to convert the dining room to an office. It worked well for Annie, also. It was a short three or four miles to the hospital.

Things went well at first. Annie was moody but upbeat about her job. It covered the areas she was interested in, ophthalmic plastic and reconstructive surgery and orbital oncology. The program was essentially a series of surgical rotations, including one of non-ocular plastic surgery. She performed surgery with some of the best cancer surgeons in the nation, sometimes several times a day. She became compulsive about being the best. Over time, I met several of the doctor's she was going through the program with, and in discussions they said they worked about sixty hours a week. Annie was averaging around eighty.

We just weren't seeing each other that much. I was lonely, but I understood what she was going through, and I tried not to bitch too much. Over the first six months we were in Austin, she gradually started becoming nervous and restless and wasn't sleeping well. I finally sat her down to see what was happening.

Her response left me underwhelmed. "I know I'm working too hard, Terry. Damn it, I just want to be the best. I'll try to cut down, okay?"

What was I going to say? "Sure, Annie. I miss you and we hardly ever have a chance to play around in bed anymore."

She responded to that by dragging me into the bedroom and destroying me. From no sex to a surfeit in a couple of hours. I didn't know how to make her understand that I was not complaining about one specific time here or there, but the regular sex that provides the intimacy that makes a marriage something special.

I worried about her behavior but didn't know what to do. And then things came to a head on a day I not-so-fondly remembered later as "the day of the broken egg." (A side note: the night that the egg broke, I had a nightmare that my mind somehow inter-mixed "The Day of the Broken Egg" with "The Day of the Triffids." This ghastly plant with a face reminiscent of Humpty Dumpty was attacking me, and I could see, in the distance, that Annie was kissing Howard Keel, in a very sexy manner.) The next morning I had lingering flashes of the dream and for the first time wondered if Annie was cheating on me. That kiss with good old Howard had to come from somewhere.

I also forever associated Humpty Dumpty with that day. For the rest of my life, I would remember the nursery rhyme, when for some reason that day came to mind. I'd go for a walk, and I'd mentally write a story I tentatively called, "Humpty Commits Hara-Kiri." I knew the film would be an instant cult favorite. I could see an old Howard Keel in the lead role. If the Triffids didn't get him, the long fall and the shattering stop would. Not even all the king's horses and all the king's men could fix him. Mess with my woman at your risk! Worst case was it would be a particularly bad B movie and sink faster than the Titanic.

~~~~~

The egg had described its end of life with a graceful dive into nothingness. Annie sat sobbing at the table, her hands covering her face.

Conclusion. Something is seriously wrong.

I was confused for a moment; was she upset about the broken egg? Then I remembered the sequence. I'd remarked, "I know what you did." Was that what generated her histrionics? I called her reaction histrionics because, at the time, I couldn't believe anything was seriously wrong.

Something is very seriously wrong.

I had no context for this, for the way she reacted. It was clear there was a problem, one that I was in the dark about. It was also clear that whatever it was had very little chance of being something that would make me happy.

Something was wrong. Quickly, I decided to vacate the premises and let her apparent guilt work on her, hopefully leading to full disclosure when I returned. I stared at her, my poker face on, no tells, nothing to let her know that I thought something was wrong ... and nothing that would let her know that I was particularly happy about anything. I turned, and grabbing my coat, I walked out the door.

It was a cold, blustery day in January. The sky was gray. My heart was gray. There was a trail near our house that I liked for my longer walks. I wound up walking along a dirt trail between Zilker Park and the Colorado River. There was a rock under a large Live Oak, which protected me from the wind as I sat there. I watched the current moving debris downstream from a couple of days of heavy rain. I could see that "I know what you did," could be construed in a number of ways.

So what had she done? It had to be something she knew would make me unhappy if I were to find out. Her reaction showed some serious guilt. I tried to clear my mind, but it was impossible. Thoughts tumbled into my head like lemmings tumbling into the sea. Get the heavy stuff out the way first. Murder? No way, it just didn't compute. Was she having an affair? Not the Annie I knew and loved. Maybe she was having trouble with the fellowship? I couldn't see that. She's too smart and talented for that to happen. The thoughts chased each other around my head until I almost felt dizzy. The one that kept insidiously slipping back in was infidelity! Cheating? An affair? Sex with one of her colleagues in her fellowship program?

Ugly thoughts; impossible thoughts. Not Annie. No ... impossible. Then the clincher, maybe Annie wasn't the same girl now as the one I'd loved for so long. Maybe she wasn't the same girl I'd kissed under that tree that led to what I'd thought was a love for the ages.

I sighed. There was nothing to it. I could think about this forever and not make progress. I had to talk to Annie. Walking home I considered everything. She not done nothing wrong that I knew of—she acted a bit strange ... and guilty. Anything else was my overactive imagination. I knew she still had problems with losing the baby and she certainly had been working hard. I decided to stay calm and let her explain things. Offering my support, and, if necessary, some gentle prodding. We had shared a lot of love over a long time and she deserved my respect for that.

Chapter Four

When I got back to the house, Annie had finished crying, but her face was still red and blotchy. Clearly, she hadn't been having fun while I was out freezing my butt trying to figure things out. I took her hand, and led her to the sofa in the living room. We sat down, and I pulled her close, with my arm around her shoulder, in an embrace that showed the love I felt for her.

I waited for a long moment—I guess to make a quiet emphasis on what was to prove a total break in our way of life. "Okay, Annie. I'll listen without interruption. Say what you have to say, and then we will figure out what we need to do."

She looked up at me with a glance that clearly expressed her love, and then never looked at me until she finished. She had to stop several times when she would break down sobbing. I would hold her then, but said nothing. I wanted her to get her story out in her way. As she started, I became surer that she hadn't cheated, but I was hardly an expert on the subject. If she had, then we would have to address our future and try to see where that led us ... either together or apart. The thought of being apart from her made me feel like my heart was stopping.

"Terry, I'm sorry. I'm a mess ... I ... I need your help. Don't stop loving me; God I would die!" Even with that she did not look up. She was bent over, her hands clasping at her stomach like she had cramps. She was looking down at the floor—or had her eyes closed. "I guess it started after I lost the baby."

She started the first of her heart rending crying jags after saying that. When she had recovered somewhat, she continued, "It wasn't only the loss of something that was a part of me, of us, but that we would never be able to have children. I know it bothered you, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I threw myself into my work ... and I know I didn't give you the time you wanted and needed from me. I was doing a lot of surgeries, even volunteering to cover for other doctors whenever that came up.

"I was having trouble staying as alert as I needed to be when doing an operation, so I got a prescription for amphetamines from my doctor. She renewed it once but wouldn't do it again. She said it was too dangerous. I didn't listen to her. I got more from other people at the hospital—it wasn't hard. I was close to being addicted, and it scared me. I was at the point becoming addicted when the fellowship came about. I stopped, but it was really hard.

"Then I was okay for a few weeks, until I started doing surgeries regularly. I got stressed out and finally the nurse anesthesiologist that I mostly worked with noticed my behavior—I guess he was an expert at this—and after a short discussion, he got me a bottle of amphetamines."

Time out for another period of sobbing, this one longer. Annie finally got up and washed her face in the hall bath. I heard her in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water. When she came back, she avoided looking at me. She slipped back in her former position, curled over as if hoping the world wouldn't notice her.

"My life became hell. Sometimes I'd be dizzy and I worried about what would happen if that occurred while I was operating. Thankfully, that never happened, though I'm sure it probably would have at some time. I would be either drowsy or not able to sleep; it seemed sometimes like both at once. I had headaches and nausea. Terry, I was, am, a mess. When I took a pill, I would be on top of the world, feeling wonderful, and then I would sink into the most awful depression. I was trying to find courage to talk to you. I knew you would help me. Then the nurse, Donald, started charging for them.

"At first it was a dollar a pill. Then two; then five. Lately, I've been paying ten dollars a pill, and I knew I couldn't keep on paying that. You would notice. Yesterday he told me that we could work out a deal, and I could go back to paying a dollar a pill, and he would never raise the rates.

Terry, he told me, "I gotta ask that much 'cause that's what I pay for them"

At first I was excited; I could go on with my life like I had been. Then I realized that I didn't want that—I had a horrible life ... except for you. Then Donald said the most awful thing."

"Annie, I really like you. If you have sex with me once a week I'll give you all the pills you want for a dollar each. Hell, baby, I'll give them to you for nothing as long as I get to enjoy your body."

"I was aghast! I had never heard such a horrible thing in my life. Then he made it worse. I guess he saw the revulsion on my face."

"If you won't put out, bitch, the hospital will get an anonymous note letting them know that someone in their fellowship program is hooked on drugs. It won't take long for them to find out it's you."

"He said he would give me two days; that he was reserving a room at a motel, and I'd better show up." She finally glanced at me, a look full of pain and humiliation. "Tomorrow is the day. I would never have gone; God, I couldn't have. I could never do that to you or to myself. Terry, you have to believe me. I was going to talk to you tonight, to ask you for help. Then you told me, 'I know what you did.' "That killed me. I didn't even think how you found out. The thought came to me that you thought I was going to cheat on you and ... and, I just died."

She looked at me again, and then looked down like she was afraid of me ... or of what I was going to do. I thought about what she had said. I wasn't that upset at what she had done; I knew we could get by that. I felt the pain she had been carrying—it must have been terrible for her. I guess the only thing I was bothered about was that she hadn't come to me earlier. In my direct manner I didn't get hung up on that. I needed time to think things over and figure out what to do. I took Annie's hand, helping her up, and led her down the hall to our bedroom. I lay her on the bed, took her shoes off, and covered her with a quilt. I pushed the hair out of her eyes and kissed her softly.

"Honey, you're exhausted. Lie down for a while. I'll help you—you're stuck with me, so we have to find a way to move on."

I got a beer and went into my office. Sitting in my chair I thought over everything that she had said. It was pretty clear to me, at least in broad brush strokes, what we had to do. I knew I would have to be firm with Annie. She would push back but I felt strongly that, "it was my way or the highway." I didn't think it would come to that. I was sure that Annie's love for me was bigger than her dreams. It was more a question of whether or not she realized that. I got on the computer and made a list, in no particular order, of what would have to happen.

  • She was going to have to leave her internship.
  • Annie would have to start therapy.
  • Move back to California (tied to the therapy).
  • I had to focus more on my writing. This would provide the most income for some period of time. I was in the middle of my fourth novel and had the next one outlined.
  • What to do about Donald?
  • Clean up Humpty Dumpty's mess.

The first one is what she would fight the most since it would affect the rest of her life.

I would be quite rigid about the therapy. This would happen or our marriage was over. I knew enough from the research I'd done over the years for my novels that I couldn't live with a drug addict. That would be destructive behavior for both of us. I didn't want to do the detox in Austin. I wanted it where we would have the support of our families.

I had to smile at the last item on the list. Annie had been too distracted and the egg crap had hardened. I went in to do this right away. It was a mess and a bigger chore than I had expected. I hoped our life would be easier to put back together, though right now Annie seemed about as fragile as an egg shell. I grabbed another beer and went back to the office to research some stuff on the internet. I looked up amphetamine addiction, and what I found scared the hell out of me.

That drove me to look for a treatment center in Sonoma County. I found one that looked good and spent some time finding out its reputation. I called them and got someone at the desk. She gave me the info about costs and space availability. Then I asked her, "Should my wife stop taking the pills she is addicted to?"

She begged off on that and got the night doctor. When he got on the phone, I explained the situation, and then asked, "I'll be out in a few days to see if your place looks like the right match for us. I do want to find a place in Sonoma County where we have roots. We should be there sometime next week. What I need to know, should she keep taking the pills she has or should she stop?"

"No, have her keep taking the minimum dose she can get away with. We will work at getting her off her addiction under a more controlled environment. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, that's okay. We should be there in a few days."

"We appreciate your calling us. Give us a call when you arrive. By the way, I'm Doctor Ferris—I handle all drug addictions. I don't normally work nights, but we have someone out on vacation this week. When you get here I'll give you a tour and answer any questions you have. I like to think we have one of the better treatment centers in Northern California. We are expensive, but we do a good job. I'm sure you will also like the facilities."

I worked out a more detailed list things we would have to do, and started putting in order. One of them was to get all the info about Donald that I could, and then from a pay phone call the DEA anonymous tip line. Yeah, I know they shouldn't be able to track me, but what the hell? (We heard later that he had been arrested and he and his suppliers were under indictment. We never heard anything from them, and we finally decided that he hadn't given her name because of the sexual threat he had made. That could have potentially added years to his sentence.)

I heard Annie stirring and I figured after dinner was a good time to talk. She had slept long enough that she should be more alert and able to get started on solving our problems. I grilled hamburgers, and prepared a plate with all the fixings that make a hamburger good. I made iced tea and we ate more or less quietly. After I cleaned up, I made her some herb tea and led her into my office. I thought the more formal setting would be easier—that is, her in my easy chair and me behind the desk. It would also be simpler for me to make notes.

I jumped right in, "Annie, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that I'll stand behind you on this. I'll try to do things as much as I can the way you would like, but I'm going to have to insist on a few things. The first one shouldn't be a surprise. You are going to have to go somewhere for treatment. I don't want to do that here. I think it would be better for both of us in a familiar environment where our parents can help us out. You know what that means, right?"

Looking a little scared, she asked in a small voice, "I ... can I ask a question?" At my nod, she continued, "Do I have to do this right away?" At my immediate and firm nod, she went on, as if to herself, "Yes, of course. That's the point, isn't it? It's something I have to do right away." A light came on in her head, "That means, oh God, I can't keep doing my internship, can I?

"No, Honey, for several reasons. We don't know how long this is going to take, we don't know if they will allow you to stop and then start again. Shoot, Annie, we don't even know if you will want to continue."

"But, Terry! I've worked so hard for this. Almost everything in my life has been to get me to this point. Can't I wait until I finish my fellowship?"

I shook my head, giving her a sad smile. "Okay, and what are you going to tell Donald tomorrow?"

She looked confused.

"You remember, you told me he insisted you meet him at a motel tomorrow." I gave her a hard look. You haven't changed your mind have you? If you have sex with him, I'm outta here. You can solve your own problems."

Now she had a look of panic on her face. "No, of course not. You can't ever leave me." She sat thinking for a minute. "Why can't I find a place here in Austin for my therapy? I'm sure there are some good places here. Then in a few weeks I'll be able to start working again at the hospital."

I let her see my exasperation by heaving a deep sigh. "Annie, Annie. You have a drug addiction. You are addicted to amphetamines. It's like being an alcoholic. Until you are ready to admit—not to me, but to yourself—that you are sick, that you need treatment and follow-up therapy for a long time ... until then, you are not going to get better.

"Look, I'm not going to argue this with you. I'm making a decision for the both of us. You are going to therapy. It will be in California. You are dropping out of your fellowship permanently—even though we will tell them you are planning on coming back. You will do these things or else you can start looking for a new husband!" I wasn't sure if I was as confident as I was making out, but I didn't want to piss around with her about the mess she created.

JakeRivers
JakeRivers
1,059 Followers