Straight Girl Problems


"Hey, how was it?" Christine joked.

"Oh my god, epic," I replied, exhaling deeply as I sat back down beside them. I noticed that they had quieted down. "What did I miss?" I added.

"Oh, nothing. Since you were gone we were just musing about what the sausage party must look like on the men's side," Christine said with her trademark smirk.

"Ah," I simply replied, not knowing what to do with that. However, as someone who hangs out with straight girls as much as I do, I'm well aware of the hazards, and the occasional mention of male anatomy doesn't phase me anymore. Bodies are bodies.

After a few minutes of continued conversation, the discussion drifted in a surprising direction, thanks to a playful couple in the corner. As if the world were playing a cruel joke on me, the three of us were forced to observe their kinky advances. One of them, a sexy, excitable redhead with fluffy curls, kept tickling her friend in suggestive ways, who soon reciprocated. They looked young, in love, and eager to tease each other.

I began to discreetly gauge Christine and Liana's reactions to the couple's naked affections. Both Christine and Liana seemed attentive and mildly curious. This surprised me. Christine noticed that we were all watching them and turned to smile in my direction.

"What?" I whispered, defensively.

"Nothing, just jealous," she said.

"No I'm not..."

"No, no, me. That looks like fun!" she joked. I rolled my eyes. "What, you don't think I would ever fool around with a girl?" Christine protested.

"Yeah, right..." I mumbled.

Christine turned and faced Liana. "Could you ever have sex with a girl?" she asked in a low voice.

Liana blushed. "I dunno..."

Christine admitted, "I'd try it once, just to see what it's like." Liana looked surprised, but then laughed nervously and nodded slightly.

Despite everything that I was hearing, I somehow surprised myself by not getting turned on by this. Instead, I got mildly irritated, as if they were teasing me for no good reason. It felt like they were knowingly being suggestive about something that was the pinnacle of every fantasy I've ever had, but without any intention of actually following through with it. I shook my head with disbelief and cast an aimless glance over at the heater.

Still, upon further reflection, a smile creeped across my face as I considered the possibility of us fooling around together...

"Is this getting you off?" Christine said, grinning as if this was her desired and intentional outcome. I rolled my eyes, but couldn't wipe the smile from my face. I felt like my body was defying me by blushing. Christine didn't deserve to see that. Not after how she was behaving.

"It IS! You're totally--" she continued, suddenly becoming loud. Christine heard her own volume and returned to a whisper. "You're totally horny for us! I knew it!" She sat back, satisfied at having proved something she apparently had been seeking to establish.

Liana startled chuckling and looked at me with mild disbelief. Her mind seemed to be blown. I didn't blame her. Maybe she had never given serious thought to being with a woman. But oh god, how I secretly wanted to take her further, to show her what her body was really capable of, with someone who knew where to lead her. No, not simply because I'm a lesbian, but because I know HER so deeply. I knew all the ins and outs of her mind. If I only had the chance, I could make her vibrate and hum like a tuning fork, and then shatter all notions of what she thought an orgasm was and could be.

I wanted her, I wanted them both. Badly.

"Guys, you're killin' me here..." I muttered, opting to accept that she was right without directly admitting anything.

Christine didn't seem the least bit sympathetic to my reaction. She just appeared lost in thought for a moment, before coming out with another doozy. "I think I might be at least a little bit bi."

I burst out laughing. "A little bit bi..." I repeated, shaking my head. "You guys are ridiculous."

Christine snickered. "What? Just because I like me some hot sausage, am I not allowed a little taste of fur pie for dessert?"

Liana groaned, "Ugh. You guys..."

The three of us laughed for a bit. It was a good laugh. I laughed off all my frustration. Maybe without realizing it, deep down, I detected a glimmer of truth in what Christine was saying...

"Hey, can we talk about muff diving from the wet sauna, instead?" Liana joked.

"Sure. It's dark in there, so you might feel a little more comfortable experimenting with discretion there," I remarked, continuing the joke.

Christine added, "Yeah. Plus it's already pretty steamy in there."

We left the room, still laughing out loud with each other. I felt like I was high. For the first time, I felt neither embarrassed nor ashamed of the flourishing arousal I experienced for my friends.

We entered the wet sauna and a cloud of hot steam assaulted my body. It was dark and filled with slow moving curtains of thick vapor, like an opium den, but spiked instead with the refreshing scent of menthol and eucalyptus. There were shadowy bodies, some slumped over, some moving about imperceptibly through the haze. A old woman briefly emerged from a white cloud, her heavy breasts slinging droplets of water. I could hear her heaving breath as she lumbered by.

On my way to the benches, which I knew only from memory were straight ahead of me, I encountered a tall African-American woman, perfectly statuesque and criminally sublime in every way. Her arched back curved perfectly under the harsh focus of a single column of light, down to the smooth, round sphere of her firm ass. The dark skin of her muscular cheeks took on a silvery sheen that glistened with condensation and sweat. She gave me a sly look out of the corner of her eye as she ran her fingers through her long wet hair, which briefly whipped about until finally wrangled with a hair tie.

I wanted to come up behind her, pressing into her long back, then run my hands around her perfect body. I wanted to slip my digits down over her smooth mons, then begin to explore her slippery sex. She'd moan softly, falling into my embrace with a sudden vulnerability as I stroked her into submission. I'd taste her on my fingers and invite her to do the same. She'd tell me how badly she wanted me, and--

"Fuck, it's hot in here," groaned Christine, snapping me out of my fantasy.

"Excuse me," I mumbled, darting past the woman before me to join my friends. I quickly took a seat beside them. Christine and Liana were already drenched with sweat. Small beads of water bloomed on their neck and shoulders, then suddenly took flight and zipped down their chests, briefly pausing at the tip of their nipples before vanishing over the undersides of their breasts.

"My vag is all soggy now," Christine laughed, shifting back and forth on the hard stone bench, slick with water. She briefly glanced down at her crotch as her body made a squishing sound.

"Tell me about it," I thought to myself, knowing that I was soggy for quite a different reason. I had to look away to hide my sudden grin before it turned into a too-revealing laugh.

Within moments the soothing heat began to relax all three of us and we faded into the background of all the other lazy, drowsy bodies cast haphazardly about as if drugged by the steam. I gazed longingly at the heap of naked bodies, imagining it was my private harem at the end of a long night of shared lust. Now and then a sleepy arm rose and aimlessly languished in the air as if needing to vent an excess of body heat. A stray voice could be heard now and then, but quickly extinguished itself as whispers often do.

After some indeterminate period of time, the three of us drifted out of that place in a sleepy stupor, finding it briefly difficult to transition to the harsh lighting in the hallway. Christine threw her arms into the air and gave a wide stretch. She placed her hands on her hips and thrust her vulva forward, as if humping the air, then moved it in a smooth circular motion to get the kinks out of her lower back. My eyes never left her body. It was that goddamn fucking eighties workout tape all over again.

"I think I just lost a few pounds through sweat," she said.

"Me too-- but I actually needed to," laughed Liana.

Christine added, "I don't know if I feel really-really clean, or really-really gross." She looked down and observed the shiny coating of her supple, moistened boobs.

Normally when I go through a few rounds of the saunas, I have to cool off by quickly darting under the overhead cold shower in the hallway where we stood. My mind immediately went to a mischievous place. Christine was standing right under it...

"Hey--" I blurted out. "What do you call dangerous precipitation?"

"Huh?" replied Christine.

"It's a joke. What do you call dangerous precipitation?"


"A rain of terrrror!" I cackled. Then I flung my hand toward the wall and smacked the button to switch on the shower.

All at once the huge silver disc over her head roared and dumped a steady flow of ice cold water straight down on top of her head. Liana and I watched as Christine seized up in the icy deluge, hunching her shoulders dramatically. Her jaw dropped open so much that I could see a trickle of water begin to pool on her tongue. As quickly as it surged forth, the shower abruptly ended. A spout of water squirted from Christine's mouth as it shut, comically accentuating her state of being shocked into silence.

Liana and I howled with laughter at the sight of poor Christine who looked like a drowned rat, her beautiful long curls aimlessly matted against her face. I'd never heard Liana laugh so hard. What's more, she seemed completely relaxed for the first time since we'd arrived. It was like she was a completely different person, unfazed by the aggressive movement of her breasts as she held her tummy while it swelled with laughter. I loved this newfound confidence.

"Oh wow," Christine finally said, wiping the hair out of her eyes. "All right. I'm gonna get you for that." She cast me a look of amused determination.

I realized I was not in any position to run, what with the slippery floor and all, and resigned myself to whatever fate there was in store for me. Christine lunged forward and tackled me with a great big bear hug. Before I could realize what she was doing, I felt myself being tugged back to her original position. Instinctively, I braced myself.

"Hit it!" Christine barked at Liana, who was all too ready to comply.

Liana gave the button on the wall a thwack just as I had done, and down came the rain. I felt an icy chill thunder down over both of us. However, the moment the shower ended and the stinging subsided, I found myself left with a sensation a thousand times more wonderful than the pain I'd just endured. Christine's naked body was pressed firmly against mine. Her large, firm breasts strained against my body. Her nipples, stiffened by the frigid temperature seemed to hungrily kiss my flesh.

We remained that way, shivering together, body to body, our trembling nakedness somehow enthralled with one another's.

"Oh my god..." I mumbled, finally softening in her grasp. She chuckled and searched for my eyes to make sure I was okay.

"It's so cold!" she whimpered sympathetically.

Liana laughed and wandered over. She wrapped her arms around us and merged her own body into our embrace. I felt Liana's delicate skin move against my back, my buttocks nestling into her pelvis. She was unbelievably warm.

"If anyone touches that button again, I'll kill you both," she warned sarcastically.

We laughed and fed off each other's body heat for a moment longer, then separated. I already longed to feel their touch again. It was a passing pleasure, but one that I could feel still clinging to my body. I wanted to wear it forever, like a young girl who receives a kiss from her idol and never wants to wash again.

However, the universe could not spare me even five minutes with this sensation before another was suggested.

"What's next? Body scrub?" Christine asked.

"Of course," I groaned in my head, as Liana nodded eagerly and skipped toward the scrub and massage room.

A few women were there already, getting the full treatment. Upon seeing them, Christine and Liana's enthusiasm was immediately replaced with a bout of sudden intimidation and hesitation. One of the women lay face down flat on a table more or less in front of us while a masseuse worked her body enthusiastically. The old Korean woman scrubbed the back of her patron's thighs so harshly that her bare ass began to clap violently; her large cheeks comically slapping together like two heavy water balloons. I glanced over at my friends and found them both gawking at the same thing.

"Are we SURE we're doing this?" Christine asked, her eyes fixated on the woman's flapping bum, which none of us received any amount of comfort or encouragement from. I could see she wanted to laugh but was struggling to hold it in.

"No..." replied Liana.

"But we're doing it anyway, aren't we..."


I chuckled softly to myself. Out of nowhere came another masseuse, brusquely waving us toward her as if she were angry we were blocking the doorway. She silently pointed to some tables and we approached them. Two more arrived and quickly sized up their victims. Within moments they had us lined up, laying flat and side by side, trading secret sideways looks of amusement and trepidation.

The masseuse worked her magic all over my body like a stern school marm, finding her way into every nook and cranny, however respectfully. I am endlessly surprised at the sheer disinterest in their faces as they gossip with each other in Korean. Are they talking about me? Or are they just bored to death with the increasingly unremarkable nudity before them? Either way, it's mildly offensive to someone who'd kill to have their job.

Their hands zipped back and forth, crudely sloughing off invisible layers of dead skin cells that only really started to make me feel unclean upon witnessing their removal. Intermittent splashes of lukewarm water crashed over our bodies, the dregs of which were soon winding their way down the drain beneath our tables. It prompted the silent question, "Why does anyone do this?" which one can't help but ask in that moment of delirious discomfort.

However, the moment we stepped out of the room Christine and Liana immediately paused to marvel at how soft and clean their skin felt.

"That was the most horrible-yet-rewarding experience I've ever had," said Christine, running one hand over her arm with a look of fascination. She looked flush, a little pinkish. Liana giggled and examined her softened body as well. We stood there in a circle, rubbing our bodies, absorbed in a freshness that extinguished any earlier regrets.

"Spick-and-span," Liana cooed.

For the next hour we carried our bodies about that place as if they were brand new. Polished. Spectacular. We sparkled.

After the eye-opening scrub treatment, Christine and Liana romped back through the saunas and whirlpools by my side as if we'd gone to battle together and subsequently returned victorious. They seemed to lose all awareness of their nudity; comfortable in their skin, no longer avoiding the gestures or angles that threatened to expose the last, uncharted nooks and crannies of their bodies that only lovers might have navigated in passionate moments.

Their newfound freedom was full of exuberance. It was addictive. It made my heart swell and verge upon a certain rupture born out of pure, indulgent emotion. Best of all, the fleeting physicality of our earlier encounter by the cold shower, so full of hesitancy and cautiousness, was replaced by an enormity of trust communicated in the slight touches of our bodies, or the full-on embraces we gave each other in the midst of our merry animation.

As far as I was concerned, the event was one that should never end. But it did, as the hour grew late and the distant call of a delicious, clothed meal became louder. No one rushed to get dressed, however. There was a certain sadness there. The loss of a comfortable and welcome vulnerability between good friends.

And, perhaps, something a bit more for me.


My want for others is like a drug that I always come crashing down from, before sinking into the dark loneliness of my simmering desires. I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't just become an ascetic and spend the rest of my life living in silence at the top of a mountain, restricting myself from all pleasures of the flesh for the sake of my own sanity.

But then there are days that send me tumbling back down that mountain into the welcoming embrace of humanity with all its quirks, and fetishes, and passions, and surprises. On these days, I ask myself, "Why did I ever retreat from this?" Surely, sooner or later, the cosmic balance will always right itself, and one shall reap the rewards. I'm coming around to honestly believing that. So along came one of those days. For once I was handed a magical dose of blissful karma for reasons I may never know... and it freed me from a dark part of myself that I'm determined to let remain purged forever.

A few days into my new job, everything was already going right. I loved my new boss and my coworkers. My responsibilities were engaging. I felt like I was filling a void. Christine and Liana were expecting to hear me dish on all the details. When I was finally ready to tell them how I was settling into the new position, they immediately did what I can always count on them to do: use it as an excuse to seek the proper libations.

"How do you want to celebrate? I've got a new place with a great happy hour," Christine texted us, with three too many exclamation points.

"Honestly, guys, I'm exhausted from the week so far. There's plenty to drink here. Wanna just come over?" I suggested. They gladly agreed. Who doesn't want free drinks, anyway? I added some flourish to our group text with an animated cat gif, then declared, "We can eat Bebops and watch 'The Adventures of Magic Molly'!" -- eager to share with them my private ritual of eating fruity candy while watching vaguely proto-gay cartoon heroines.

Later, Christine and Liana stormed in for a merry evening of camaraderie and drinking. Sure enough, we watched television and ate way too much candy, so that I didn't have to feel gross all by myself. I poured us some bourbon, my spirit of choice, having been virtually nursed on the stuff, and the goofing-off commenced. Then things took an unexpected twist. Some length into the affair, with its growing humidity, Christine yanked off her top, completely out of the blue, before sitting there in her bra with a look of mild unease.

"Okay, summer's here, that's for sure," she said, revealing her reason for the odd gesture. "Aren't you both hot?" she added, moments later.

"Oh god, don't do this to me now," I thought, perceiving her actions in a manner she may not have intended. "This is real life, not a porno." I almost wanted to believe that Christine was setting me up for another sadistic tease.

"A little," Liana answered.

"Sorry guys, the AC is on but it takes a little while to reach here from the bedroom," I rushed to explain.

Liana wiggled out of her shirt too, but sat there self-consciously. I wanted to facepalm. Instead, I groaned and took mine off, reluctantly agreeing to complete what I was sure was Christine's endless joke about my sexuality.

"We've endured worse heat together," I chuckled, immediately regretting the fact that I called more attention to the experience of nudity that we had recently shared, the thought of which only served to cause me further self-inflicted frustration.

"Yeah, THAT was hot," Liana said, fanning herself and recalling the extreme heat of the sauna.

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