Submission too Literotica

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Celebrating Posting
the One Millionth Story
to Literotica!
Whoreray and Hoesannahs!!
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Humor & Satire
funny parody, I swear!
mildly amusing cantankery??
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Author's Note to Literotica Staff
Now don't say I don't love you guys
but sometimes,
just sometimes...
you are a pain in the whoohah!

Just once in a while.

Ah, jeez!
I made you cry...

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My apologies that no corporate interests
were harmed in writing this farce.
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During a celebration of posting the One Millionth Porn Story to Literotica, the paid staff throw themselves a pot-luck luncheon.

Quickly afterwards vomiting up the oh, so delicious food they had all been gluttonously consuming. What immediately followed, brought a whole new level of meaning to the term 'blowout'!

This event would have caused many a fond remembrance for any Ancient Roman gourmand.

As digestive systems went into explosive overdrive, there was an en-mass stampede to this office building's single, still working toilet.

Six floors up.

The building management firm has been promising to get the rest of the building's toiletries fixed. Just as soon as they finish negotiating the next raise in rent.

The resulting laundry bills and bio-hazard clean-up of the elevator and shaft, the stairwells and all the closets would bankrupt the liability insurer for Literotica Ink.

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Homemade scrumptious resulted in the collective hospitalization of all the Literotica paid staff. Medical tests determined they were suffering a multitude of food-borne pathogens.

CDC testing of the luncheon spread revealed: Ptomaine 'tater salad
with an assortment of handmade sandwiches;
Canadian Listeria unpasteurisized "say cheese!" Kamikrazie Salmonellashellac tuna-fishysmelling.
Kosh-Her Trickynosis de-cured ham-it-up.
Free-Range Bootulism be-deviled-eggstential salad.

And homegrown EColiformed sliced toemahtoes.

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An intense Police investigation came to the conclusion of a mass conspiracy by family members of the stricken!

Interviews established that the spouses and/or significant others were all sick & tired of the Literotica employees bringing home weird fetishes and comped sex-toys to experiment with upon their long-suffering adult relations of whatever sexual disorientations. Is this what is meant by 'adulterated'?

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Virgin Nun, Sister Constipated of the Order of Sexually Repressed Self-Flagellation, accidentally winds up as the emergency directing editor of the Literotica Site.

Sister Constipated is the youngest sister of the Literotica Senior Editor. She became curious about her older brother's (no, not Brother!) mysterious job as none of their family would discuss his career in her presence.

The young sister Sister arrived late for lunch at the Literotica skyscraper. In order to surprise her older brother Senior as she was determined to find out what all the damn mystery is about his profession.

Only to find him having his stomach pumped. As her brother was about to be gurneyed away by the paramedics. In his delirium, he begged his sister, Sister Constipation, to take over as Emergency Senior Editor. Making her swear on her Blessed Nunchakus to run the site until he gets out of the hospital.

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,The Emergency Ephemeral - Environmental Epidemic - Excipientory Exactoration teams were surprised to discover one person uneffected by this incidenttal mass food poisoning.

It is student intern Prudezilla Puritan, The only experienced staff member not showing any gastrnomic problems. Which was very strange considering how Prudezilla had gorged herself on the delicious repast.

It turns out that Prudezilla is interning for the summer, at the instigation of her Cousin [redacted]. a long-time admin at Literotica.

Who had maliciously arranged the job for her hated cousin. In spiteful retaliation for Prudezilla's chronically pain-in-the-ass sanctimoniously superior, holier-than-thou attitude towards [redated's] side of their large family.

Miss Puritan has just completed her Junior year at the Flamboyantly Gospel Hands on Healing School for Institutionalized Asexual Reproduction at the Lower Alabama Osteopathetic Collage of the Nazirene.

Three years of Student Cafeteria meals has left Prudezolla immune to all known (and a number of still unrecognized) food-borne pathogens.

Once the EE-EE-EE teams were informed of Prudezilla's regular diet, they understood immediately, her immunity to this misadventure of malevolent comestibles.

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As there was no other experienced staff persons remaining unstrucked, Sister Constipated appoints Miss Puritan as the Emergency Vice-Editor.

Sister Constipated and Miss Puritan hold their first editorial meeting to decide what jobs to assign.

The two women quickly realize that contractual obligations to the advertisers had to be met, without fail! And that they had to contend with a constant flood of incoming pretentiously obscene, grotesque parodies of poorly rewritten plagiarized erotic literature to be posted online, also without fail!

The only people left unafflicted in the building, were a handful of newly arrived and untrained, unpaid college interns and a visiting group of adult remedial students from a local Middle School.

Sister Constipated started to quote "Use it up. Wear it out..."

Prudezilla jumped in to finish "Make it do or do without!" And then they 'High Fived', humped boobs, bumped butts and did a brief hokeypokey,

They were a promising team of 'Can Do!' spirit.

Sister Constipated heroically volunteers for the martyrdom of editing Erotic Art and Toys & Masturbation.

With shaking hands, a little bit of drool from the corner of her mouth and a whiff of arousal wafting from her seeping granny drawers. Prudezilla, as a native Alabaman, living up to the proud traditions of post-antebellum gentility, insists that she will edit Incest/Taboo and Mind Control.

The two women, handicapped with being female if questionably feminine and lacking the overly-sensitive argumentative testosteronic hormonal histrionics of sports-trained, fraternally-professional executives.

They just take the print-out of genres, fold the page over, tear it in half and each woman takes a section. Then they get to work.

Completely failing to realize that they are therabye setting a very bad example for any future corporate executives among the interns.

Correct corporate procedure would be to spend at least several weeks with a dozen multi-level discussions in addition to the aggravation of required trips to long-distant meetings at luxury resort golf-courses.

Ahh, the stimulation of being outdoors, watching little, fat white men chasing little, round white balls.

Meanwhile, those executives, exhausted from a day of riding around in electric carts swilling beer by the case. Then have to endure evenings filled with the tedium of being wined and dined, attended by paid escorts at exclusive Men's Clubs.

Interspersed with having to tolerate the attentions of naked under-aged lap dancers at strip dives.

Finally deciding they don't get paid enough to actually stick their precious necks out to make am actual decision. The corporation ends up paying fat consultant fees to little, fat old fraternity white bros,

To inform the interminable executives that the piece of paper listing genres should be folded over twice in reversed diagonals, torn twixt and thereupon thrown away.

While simultaneously laying off a million of the lowest-paid , hardest-working employees, without benefits. After looting their pension funds. (How do you know they are the hardest-working? None of them are related to any of the executives. Duh!)

The next morning the global Stock Markets celebrate with wild ringing of the bell and rapturous cheers and enmassed cries of "Banzai!" from the floor brokers.

Instead these heartless bitches just roll up their sleeves and get the work needed, the work done.

How Un-American!

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Sister Constipated meets with the unpaid (fortunately unfed) college interns to distribute job assignments.

"Who has actually experienced receiving Nonconsensual Anal sex?"

"Okay, then you two will be doing Romance and Erotic Couplings and Fantasy."

"Who has experience in a D/s relationship or BDSM activities?"

"Right than, Master Grim you will be doing Humor and Satire and Erotic Pooetry with Audio."

"slave worm you are commanded to edit the article on "Self-Empowerment via the Corprolite Fetish imbedded within the Theological Apologia Communal of the Collective Turgid Drunken Ramblings of Ayn Rand", in Essays and Reviews."

"Okay, now uhh, yeah, the one I'm pointing at. You're blind so you get Illustrated and ohh, why not, also Exhibitionist & Voyeur."

"Someone write a note and let the deaf guy over there know he's doing Text with Audio."

"The Dyslexic guy gets Letters & Transcripts with Novels and Novellas."

"Let's see now, the paraplegic girl gets NonConsent/Reluctance and Erotic Horror."

{author's note: sometimes I scare myself!}

"Let see what else have we received today?"

"Science, technology and engineering geeks! Spit out those chicken heads, learn to use a kleenex, try to remember to shower before coming back to work and pay attention. You will be doing First Time, Lesbian and Erotic Couplings in honor of all of you having remained dateless and relationship clueless right throughout all your school and college years."

"Liberal Arts Majors, put your bongs away, lunch is over. You will be doing Science Fiction and Adult Comics."

"English Majors get the "nons", non-English, non-Erotic, non-Consent, and non-Human."

"Attention! English Major's! I have a memo here that it has been brought to managements attention, thanks to MicrosofFacebooGoogTwee Gigaglomerate continuous, universal monitoring of all computering usage.

The lot of you have failed to properly implement the mandatory response as required by our program license, that hourly you sing the "Barney Song'.

There are monitor reports that some of you have been singing the unlicensed "It's A Good Day In The Neighborhood' and you must cut that shit out right away! Roger, Wilco, and Out!

Also, "O Canada' is not an acceptable replacement especially when sung to the tune of the 'Mexican National Anthem'.

Furthermore, you need to remove your footwear BEFORE following these compulsory program license requirements.

Whenever the Spell Check and Grammar function programs command you to stand on your heads and flap your feet in the air. You MUST take off your shoes first!

We can't afford to keep replacing our Tandy PC's when you topple over crashing down on the the Company equipment. It is almost impossible to replace these damn things these days."

"So let's get to it and make our advertiser's happy!"

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Prudezilla Puritan meets with the pre-mature caducituve students on tour from the Dick Cheney Memorial Adult Remedial Middle School and she conscripts them as volunteer editors,

"Who has never been married to a female or never had a relationship with a biological woman? Okay, those of you guys who are in a committed relationship with a vinyl blow-up doll will do Loving Wives."

"The terrible psychological effect upon you of an over-inflated doll exploding in your face makes you perfect for this genre."

"Be sure you continue to post your regular missed-spelled, incoherent, misogynist BTB rants in comments to inflate the egos of the troll-hunters as they inflame your ignorance."

"That'll pump up our numbers!"

"Those of you BTBers in a committed relationship with a pixellated image will be doing Celebrities and Fetish."

"Religious Homophobes get Gay Male and Anal and Transexual & Crossdresser and uhh, yeah, why not? Inter-Racial Loving."

"I realize you boys are advertising for other closeted queers but you spelunkers need to cover up your Confederate Flag patches and Nazi badges when you arrive in the morning."

"We get hassled enough by Homeland Security whenever - fanfare - posts another scurrilous screed against Putin (The Third Koch brother, aka Classic Koch)
and the Saudi Royal Family."
قد يكون القاضي الإلهية قريبا الفرصة لتطبيق الغضب المقدس العدل الأبدي على مجلس حكم من المبتزين السعودية.

"We don't need it from the flopside."

"Let's see whats left, hmmm. None of you are qualified for How To, Mature, or Group Sex. Ehh, pity that...."

"Okay now, just pick a cubicle hovel and let's get to work."

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See what I mean?

These bitches just get busy and get the work running smoothly.

Somebody needs to report them to the Congressional House Committee on Un-American Activities for making all the self-alleged capitalists look bad.

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Has me so damn upset, I'n going to get me a tall glass of Jack & Ginger, sit back pantless in my executive lounging swivel-rocker and watch porn on my 69inch television.

Unless the building is on fire don't bug me for at least an hour!

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The Rear End

Yore Wellcummed

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