"Text it to me."
"Really? No way, I couldn't do that."
I gave her my puppy dog look that used to work on my mom and Alicia said, "I'll send you a different one that doesn't have my sisters in it." I handed her the phone back and she asked for my number and texted me her graduation photo. She still looked beautiful, but of course she was all covered up and not in a bikini. But now I had her number and said so.
"Maybe I wanted you to have my number." She said it in a sassy tone, then smiled at me, and then she got that shy look I had come to recognize when her eyes dart around and she does this little shoulder shrug before speaking again. "We are pretty close to my place, but I want you to stop here. Okay?"
"Of course, Alicia. I want you to feel safe walking with me, not uncomfortable."
She looked relieved and gave me my second hug of the day, a rather long one and I felt a real flush of protectiveness about her. I really wished I could walk her to her door, but I understood.
She backed up and smiled at me sweetly and said, "Goodbye, Ray. I hope I see you again tomorrow."
"Well, if I can't make it on time, I can always call you."
"Yes, you can."
I watched her walk away and turn a corner and wanted to follow her but didn't. At least now I had a picture of her on my phone. And her phone number. I patted my phone through the pocket of my jacket and felt like the richest guy in New York City.
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PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
This story reminds me of one of my favorite movies. This is a great plot that would do well in a full novel and even a movie. Please keep writing great stories.
Improving
I like this story.
The first instalment had a few errors that made me question whether I should continue, but it's already improved significantly.
I would usually discourage people from doing a day-by-day "I did this then I did that," but it really works for this story - it emphasises the day-to-day living for survival existence of people who live this way - it brings back stark memories for me.
I know you've already written a lot more of this story, and I'm only up to this chapter, but I would recommend using less of the word "shy" and "that shy look" - in the first two instalments, it's already been used at least four times. Think of some different ways of conveying the same idea, and don't underestimate your readers. Plant the idea of the mannerism once (maybe twice) and, if the reader is doing their job, they will fill it in the rest of the time.
Ha! And here I thought I'd taken a break from marking my students' creative writing.
I look forward to reading more. :)more...
this story
Puts a smile on my face
I am hooked!
Really into your story...waiting for the next chapter...like the pace you're taking and the flavor. Thank you for writing this!
I really appreciate this story. It gives me hope, which is always a good thing.
Thank you
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