Subway Girl Ch. 13

We finished the loft conversion in the spring and it came out amazing. I hope I can buy a unit in a place like that someday. We got another loft job and I now have four guys working under me, although my favorite times are when I get to work with Lenny. I still have a lot to learn and his skill level is still way beyond mine, plus he is just a cool guy. Joe, not so much.

I've been getting cash from Thomas in the mail. He started by sending me an envelope from Arizona every week with a twenty in it along with a short note telling me how many days he had been clean. He included his phone number on each note, but I didn't call him. I just stashed the cash away in a box not really thinking about it. That in itself is astounding. After getting a few raises from Don, I make enough to pay my rent and other living expenses and even have some left over to save. Then suddenly the weekly notes from Thomas stopped, and I wasn't surprised about that at all, but I did feel a little concern for him. I was surprised again when I heard from him a month later. He wrote that he had had a little "slip" but was back on track. He upped his payments to thirty a week. This time I actually called him and told him that I was glad he made his way back to sobriety, but I added a smart ass comment about how I hoped he didn't screw over any roommates during his "slip". He actually took my comment seriously and said he was lucky he made it back before he could cause any damage this time. I didn't know how to answer that, so I said, "Yeah...Like Jeff."

I kind of forgot about the money until I was talking to Louisa one day and she was telling me how she had just become a grandmother and she wanted to move closer to her son but couldn't afford it. Ever since that day when I saw how she used her bathtub for her laundry, and how she did everything by hand and I learned she was cutting me a deal, I wanted to give something back to her. My first thought was a washer and dryer, but our crummy old apartments don't have washer/dryer hookups anyway. But when she told me about not being able to move closer to her grandbaby, I got an idea. I knew she wouldn't take money from me, so I made it anonymous. I put Thomas's cash, plus some of my own, in an envelope and slipped it in her mailbox. Three weeks later she knocked on my door to say goodbye, and told me that she was moving away. An angel had made it possible, she said. "You probably think I am a crazy old lady. You probably think I am superstitious, but it's true, Ray."

"Oh, I believe you, Louisa. I think I have encountered a few New York angels myself." And she hugged me goodbye. So now I have to go to the laundro-mat down the street. I probably should have thought this one through a little bit more.

It has been ten months since Alicia's heart attack, and I'm so glad she has managed to stay on the right path. I know it could have easily gone the other way and I am not saying she is completely cured or anything; she still has problems with food sometimes. We had our first big fight around her work's Holiday party. I thought she was nervous about introducing me to all the people she worked with, but it turns out she was freaking out about being around the food. It was a learning experience for me, getting to know that when she gets weird like that not to take it personally. Alicia does seem to get weird when food gets mixed in with awkward social situations, and since she thinks everyone at work knows about her heart attack, they are studying everything she eats. I told her most people are just thinking about themselves. I personally was a little worried about making a good impression, but all the awesome free food was making me crazy-giddy. I'll never forget what it feels like to be hungry.

Then there was the running thing. Alicia and I started running together and it was really fun at first, but then she started getting obsessed and honestly, a bit too skinny - although I never said anything about that. It was mostly how intense she was getting about mileage and improving her time, and it wasn't really fun anymore. Luckily Margaret convinced her she was slipping into very dangerous territory right before Alicia signed up for a marathon. Alicia actually agreed to back off. She still sees Margaret twice a month and we still run occasionally and we go to a gym, but I'm back to soccer now that it has warmed up.

Tracy and William. Well, that did not exactly go the way I expected, but I promised Tracy I wouldn't say anything. She said she's writing about it, so maybe you will get to read their story someday. It's called "Flower Girl."

It's almost summer here again in New York. The Klaer family is planning a big backpacking trip out in California and they want Alicia and me to come out and join them. Steve keeps asking Alicia about my experience with the great outdoors and specifically if I have ever slept outdoors. Alicia and I have laughed about that a lot. Yeah, I've slept outdoors in all kinds of weather. Sleeping in a tent with a sleeping bag sounds like five-star accommodations to me, so Alicia assured Steve I would be fine. I'm really looking forward to it, plus it will give me a chance to talk to Steve about something important. I have my mom's ring and I thought about asking Alicia to marry me in some beautiful setting like Yosemite. Maybe on top of a mountain, or next to a stream or waterfall. Then I realized that I would rather wait until we get back and propose in Central Park. I want to ask Alicia to marry me in New York. We are New Yorkers and this seems right. New York is our home, after all.

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Afterword

This is a story about love and redemption. In the beginning, it seems that Ray is the one with the problems, but the reader learns that Alicia is the one in real trouble. Part way through this writing, I was blessed with the help of an amazing editor, Gaius Petronius, who appreciated and understood what I was trying to convey. During our back-and-forth communications, he asked some background questions and, given the serious topic of the eating disorder bulimia nervosa, he felt it was worthwhile to share some of our conversation with the reader. Here is part of what we discussed behind the scenes:

Q. Donna, are you yourself bulimic?

A. No. I definitely have other issues and have been in recovery for a very long time, but I have always had a very healthy relationship with food.

Q. Are you a therapist? Do you have advanced training in the treatment of eating disorders?

A. No, not at all. After overcoming my own difficulties, I went to school to become a Health teacher. I wanted to teach teenagers about the dangers of drug abuse and alcohol abuse, about eating disorders, sex education, including STDs - you know, all the interesting topics! But I fell in love with Biology during my schooling and became a Bio teacher instead.

Q. What elements of these real-world experiences made their way into the story of Alicia and Ray?

A. Tons. Too many to list. As far as Ray goes, I know what it is like to be down and out. I know what it is like to crawl out of a hole. And Alicia? Even though I have never had an eating disorder myself, I have been a mentor for several women who do. The scratched hands, the use of markers, the heart attack, the unrealistic body expectations, the over-exercising, even the puking in jars all came from real people in my life. And so did the outpatient program and the "Texas Toast" too.

Q. In your opinion, what does it take to "beat" bulimia?

A. Well, as we have discussed, I am no expert! I am a writer and this is a fictional story with a positive ending, but it easily could have gone the other way. I knew it could not be a girl-meets-boy-and-instantly-gets-better story. I believe what William said, "You can't fix this, Ray," and what Steve Klaer said, "Love doesn't fix this." But love helps! And the most important love when it comes to recovery from bulimia, is the love that comes from inside. When I started this story, I thought that Alicia would not recover and would break Ray's heart, but she proved to be more of a fighter than I had planned. I asked myself, "What would it take for Alicia to recover?" And what I came up with is the following things that I knew had to happen in the story:

1. A critical event. This is the proverbial wake-up call. In Alicia's case it was her heart attack. All by itself this event would most likely not be enough to cause a change. People endure horrible things and continue destructive behavior, but it did bring Alicia's trouble out into the open.
   
   



2. A genuine, inner desire to change. Wanting to please your lover or your parents isn't enough. The desire must be grounded in a concern for your own welfare. A genuine love of self is paramount.
   
   



3. Divine intervention. The feisty old lady Ray encountered in church ("God sees everything, and I see plenty.") is praying for Alicia (and for Ray, too).
   
   



4. Professional help, both medical and psychological. Alicia has found a good therapist in Margaret, and an outpatient treatment program that works for her.
   
   



5. Support. Steve and Janice Klaer are frustrated with Alicia but they still love her. Ray loves her and is committed to making a life with her. But they can't understand what suffering with bulimia means. The friends Alicia is making in Margaret's outpatient therapy group are her co-sufferers and are an important part of her recovery.
   
   



6. Confronting and dealing with underlying issues. Alicia somehow got herself stuck with the attitude that she had to be perfect in order to earn love. Overcoming her perfectionism is part of her recovery from bulimia.
   
   



7. Replacing unhealthy behaviors with new healthy habits. Alicia takes up running. Unfortunately, she starts getting obsessive about the new behavior, but that problem is dealt with in counseling.
   
   



8. Acceptance of body issues. In this final chapter, Ray has tried to help Alicia recognize the beauty and sexual appeal of a variety of body shapes and sizes.
   
   



9. The ability to laugh at oneself. Alicia admitting that she puked in jars and laughing about how gross it was is one example, but I think this is something she will grow into over time. Her most playful side has been demonstrated in her sexuality. And there's no denying: Alicia has a very healthy libido!
   
   

Q. Do you identify with Alicia?

A. I actually identify much more with Ray than with Alicia.

Q.: What do you admire most about Ray?

A. Ray's experience at being nearly homeless matured him and he is very tolerant. I like how he evolved throughout the story. He went from being anti-social to being comfortable around a variety of people. A librarian, Alicia's parents, the therapist, soccer players, neighbors, and a homeless guy were among his friends. I appreciate that he was a reader and a learner, although not formally educated. He started out thinking he was invisible and not worthy of anybody's attention, but by the end of the story he had job skills, friends, and love. He even felt like he had something to give back. Ray climbed Maslow's pyramid. And he finally felt at home in the big city.