Such Stuff as Dreams are Made Ch. 03

I had history with each of the people who were to appear in Babes in the Wood. In one sense or another I loved each of them. I had often fantasised about them, had already made 'normal,' adventure movies with John and Owen and Ben, masturbated under the covers and jumped from a swing naked in front of them I had masturbated together with Anna, and talked with Natalie about sex. And on top of that I regularly made all kinds of perverted movies of myself masturbating. They ranged from the raunchy and daring -- fully bent over and spread before the camera, thrusting my fingers in my pussy and then finger fucking my arse -- to the simple and more innocent versions depicting me strutting or dancing naked around my room. There were about two hours worth already.

All the ingredients for the movie were there and in that fantasy moment they came deliciously together.

In the days that followed I mulled the possibilities over in my mind. I scoured the internet for other people who had done something similar but could find nothing. It was as if I was the only sex-crazed teenager in the world. There was lots of porn of course, which I watched eagerly, particularly the amateur stuff which seemed more genuine and passionate. Seeing everyday people carnally engaged turned me on. Particularly when it was clear that what they were doing was pushing their own boundaries, or when they couldn't control the need in their voices. I like to hear the dialogue as they fucked, or prepared to fuck. The expression of their desire was what really turned me on, far more even than their bodies writhing naked together.

Eventually I came to the conclusion that there was nothing to be found. But I refused to give up on the idea. I thought about emailing a few porn directors with the offer, but didn't have the nerve. What porn impresario would take me -- a skinny eighteen year old girl -- seriously? I didn't even know yet whether I took my idea seriously. In my mind I did; but in reality...

Eventually I decided that the only way to make the movie I wanted to make, with the people I wanted to make it with, was to make it myself. If I could. I had over £1000 in my bank account which I could use to buy cameras and sound equipment, but I would need more to buy the sex toys, lubricants, condoms, décor and all the other things that would bring it up to the standard of my imagination.

The problem was not money -- I would have to get a job and scrimp and save all summer but it would be worth it -- but rather persuading my friends to take part. It's not exactly something you can drop into conversation.

"Oh, by the way, how about making a porn movie with me?"

Even if I did find a way to ask they could not do other than think I was mad. After all, I had already been in compromising situations with each of them bar Natalie, and yet no-one had taken the initiative further. It had been me leading and them following. Sometimes they hadn't followed at all.

The longer I thought about it, the more it seemed that this stumbling block would prove impossible. And yet I couldn't forget about it. The mere thought of filming myself riding Owen's cock had me breaking out in a cold sweat and sickness pooling in the pit of my stomach. Imagining the taste of Anna's pussy had me dry-retching with desire. Everything in my life felt as though it had been leading to this decision. Everything in my future would be determined by what I chose to do. Were it to happen, this movie would be the epitome of who I wanted to be, but how could I make it a reality? I felt as though I had been given a glimpse of heaven and then told to go and forget about it until I was dead.

How do we decide to do what we do? To others, it can seem that we make choices with our lives that they could never take. But it's not that complicated. We find ourselves falling into the things we are interested in without ever consciously making a decision to do so. Not just anyone could fall into mountaineering without first having an interest in walking, or the outdoors, or a network of people interested in doing so too. The same goes for anything. I never really decided to work in, and then open, a bookshop. It grew naturally from an interest in reading. Had one not had this interest to begin with, they would never have happened, but as I did, they became logical choices. The same was true with this movie. It was only my obsession with sex that led me to it. Had I not had these, the idea would never have even occurred to me. Yet because I was horny and in need of sexual contact with others it became a logical choice. From there, it was just a case of deciding to do so.

I had to do so.

The challenge would be to devise some way to convince my friends to join me, to come up with an offer that would convince them to sacrifice their bodies and minds to my every pornographic whim. Bribery. And not a small bribe either, it would have to be such a great sum of money that they would be blinded by the numbers and forget exactly what it was they were agreeing to. Would £5000 suffice? Or would it require more?

The figure was irrelevant in one sense. I could never hope to offer that kind of money. The gamble would be that if they believed I could, they would agree. And when we were finished, and they had had the time of their lives, perhaps they wouldn't be furious when I came clean and admitted that I couldn't pay anything.

I doubted it would work out like that but I would have to cross that bridge when I came to it. There seemed no other option.

I celebrated the momentous decision by filming myself sinking down onto a carrot, first one hole then the other, until I came.

As the only person to have ever really reciprocated my sexuality, not to mention my best friend, Anna was the natural first target for recruitment. We had never taken our activities as far as I would have liked, but had at least continued to masturbate together on Friday nights, sometimes naked, sometimes under the covers with the lights off, falling asleep to the sounds of each other's breathing. If there was anyone out there who would go along with me, surely it was her.

I planned the conversation meticulously: scripting it all with a series of possible responses from Anna and how they could be negated. Then I practised repeatedly, honing the arguments and building a story which could explain my strange request. When Friday came around I was prepared. The butterflies in my stomach were more active than any I had ever had: drunk on expectancy I could not control. Throughout the day I snapped at people and bickered; I was short of breath and inattentive. Eventually the end of school came, and Anna and I made our way home. I had bought a bottle of wine to encourage the surmounting of our inhibitions, and chosen a sexy movie to get us in the mood. I chose Stealing Beauty as it seemed appropriate for what I was planning. There can't be many more erotic sights than Liv Tyler's eyes as she is penetrated for the first time.

As soon as dinner was finished we were up in my bedroom and I had the bottle open and the movie in the player. It was only after a few hefty gulps of wine that I realised how wrong my reasoning was. Sure, Anna was my best friend. But by virtue of her being my best friend, if she responded badly to this it would be the greatest possible rejection. I should have started with Natalie, at least if she said 'no' then I wouldn't feel so rejected.

Except I didn't know Natalie well enough to be sure she wouldn't spread the story all over town and make life at school pretty uncomfortable. And yet...Anna could be trusted not to do that and as such she had to be the best person to talk to first. Ever since we were babies we had shared everything, to break that now would be a betrayal of trust which I could no condone. If Anna wasn't involved from the very beginning it would get the whole project off on the wrong foot.

I reasoned this through so intensely that I missed most of the movie. My mind was whirring too fast for my other senses to keep up. The end of the film came as somewhat of a surprise.

"Cool." Said Anna, turning to face me.

I wasn't ready to begin my spiel. "Isn't it?" I prevaricated.

"I liked it. But you didn't seem to be watching. Is everything okay?"

"I've seen it before; its no big deal."

"What's on your mind? You seem distracted."

"Oh, it's nothing. I was thinking, that's all."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, it's okay..."

She was about to speak again when I took a big swig of wine and found the courage to speak my mind. "Well actually there is something I wanted to talk to you about..."

"Go on."

"...you see, I know someone who has offered me a lot of money if I can make a movie for them."

"That sounds exciting."

"Wait, let me say what I have to say first."

"Sorry."

"You see, I need five other people to agree to be in the movie too, and this person will pay them each lots of money each for their services. But if we can't get these people to be in the movie then it is no go for everyone. The problem is..." I drained my glass and reached for the bottle. "...its not a normal movie and I don't know how to persuade people to be in it."

Anna said nothing. I hadn't prepared for this and began to panic. But it was too late to turn back. I stumbled on. "You see, it's a sexy movie and I don't know whether anyone I know would want to be involved in it."

Her eyes almost popped out of her head. "Like Stealing Beauty?"

"Sort of. Yes. But more so."

Her eyes nearly popped out of her head. "You mean pornography?"

I nodded.

"Oh Amelia, you wouldn't. It's...I mean, you don't need to...why?"

"It's not a normal porno. There wouldn't be camera men watching. I'd do it all with still remote cameras controlled by me. And the only people involved would be people I chose to invite. It's more like a home movie with sex than pornography. The only difference is that the people would be paid to be involved."

"How much?"

"£5000."

"Wow, that's a lot of money."

"That's what I said."

"And what would the movie require the actors to do? Will you have to have sex?"

"Yes. Lots. But it would be done in very safe surroundings and very lovingly."

"And you'd be okay with that. Letting people have sex with you on film?"

"Come on Anna. I'm ready. I want to have sex. I want to lose my virginity. I don't know how much longer I can wait."

"So your going to sell your honour to the highest bidder?"

"Its not like that. Have you ever imagined the most romantic way to lose your virginity? Well this would be mine. It'd be the most beautiful thing I have ever done in my life. And at the end, I'll be able to watch it back whenever I want."

"So you've already said yes?"

Again I nodded.

She gapped. "I can't believe it. When are you going to do it? Are you sure you're ready."

"Yes. I'm so sure it's all I can think of. I'm so horny I can barely sit still."

She giggled and smiled as I squirmed and tipped an almost full glass of wine down my throat.

"Which brings me back to the problem which is how to ask people to be involved in it with me. I'm not going to do this with just anyone. It needs to be people I trust. People I love."

A silence. I could see the question she wanted to ask taking shape within her, but she wasn't sure she could bring herself to ask. I sniffed in the hope that she would take pity if she thought I was about to cry.

She looked up. "Who were you going to ask?"

"I thought maybe Natalie might be up for it. And then I was going to ask my friends Owen and John too. And maybe if I was desperate I would ask Ben as well..."

"You want Ben to be in your movie?"

"I think he would say yes."

"Anyone else?"

I nodded and almost burst into tears. "You. Except I don't want to pressure you into doing it, or make you feel that you have to do it to support me or anything. I don't want to harm our friendship by asking you do to this."

She laughed a tearful sort of laugh. "Thanks, I guess."

"What do you think?"

"...I don't know...It's not exactly the sort of thing I expected to be asked tonight. When would it be? What would I have to do? And why?"

"I don't know exactly when it would be. Sometime this summer I suppose. And why do I want to do it? Well, I was hoping you wouldn't ask that. But it's not the money, Anna. This is something I want to do. I don't know how to explain it but I feel naïve and inexperienced in the world. And yet in September I will be going off to university and I want to make the most of my time there without having insecurities to get over. I want to lose my virginity with people I already love, and I want to show them how much I love them in case we drift apart. I want people to remember me when they go off and have exciting lives, and I think this is a great way of doing that."

"I guess..." Anna started, still unsure.

"I've been ready for a long time. But I'm too shy to meet people at clubs. I want to have sex, Anna, and this is the way I want to try it out. You know I've loved Owen for years without saying anything. Maybe this is my chance to persuade him to fall in love with me.

She tried to smile.

I blushed.

"You haven't answered my other question. What would I have to do in this movie?"

"Nothing you didn't want to do, Anna. I promise, Everyone in the movie will be a virgin, its not like you would be out of place or anything. Everyone will have their hang-ups, and no-one will know exactly what they are doing at first. But that is the point of this. Its good practice for when you fall in love with someone and want to have sex with them. You don't want to be clueless then, do you? Think how amazed he would be if you had learned all these skills you could show him."

"Have you asked anyone else yet?"

I was sobbing openly now and she reached over to place her hand on my arm. Sure, I had planned all this, but they were no long manipulative tears I shed. I was terrified. We were reaching a crescendo of emotional connection and the tears were flowing of their own accord. "Are you kidding? Of course not. I couldn't ever do anything like this without you, Anna. You're my best friend and if you don't want to be in it, then I don't want to be in it either."

She began to tear up too. Honestly, we were like...well, over-emotional teenage girls having a heart-to-heart.

"Okay. I guess. It all seems a little weird right now, but if you promise me that you will be in charge and no-one else will be there, then I guess it does sound like a once in a lifetime chance to make some money and get experience before uni."

"Bit more than strip poker," I joked.

She laughed and sniffed back a tear. "Promise me something, okay?"

"Anything?"

"Promise me you will invite all the people you said you would and no-one else. I don't want all sorts of people I don't know turning up and...you know."

"Screwing you?"

"Amelia!" she squealed.

"It's okay. I don't want that either, Anna. I promise you, this is about friendship and sex. It won't be sleazy in any way. In fact, I bet you are going to love it."

"I hope so. Ever since you taught me to masturbate, I guess I've been imagining something like this happening. I'm scared, but you are right: this is something we should do now."

"Exactly. Now, all this talk of sex has got me pretty horny, do you mind if I masturbate?"

"Not as long as I can masturbate with you."

We masturbated calmly together, naked and lying close, though still not touching. Occasionally one of us would turn to the other and ask a question, such as "what do you think it will be like?" or "how big do you think their willies are?" and we would whisper our answers to each other quietly, afraid to spoil the quiet peace of the situation, yet eager to share our minds with each other. When we finally came, we came almost together, and lay there quietly, letting the future events build in our minds.

"Are you sure they will agree to this?" she asked, eventually.

"I hope so," I said, crossing my fingers. "I'm sure Owen and Ben will, but John and Natalie are a little less certain."

"When are you going to ask them?"

"I don't know. Who do you think we should ask next?"

"Ben?"

"But..."

"I know he's your brother, but you said he would say yes. We could go and ask him now, if you want."

"Now? I only just built the courage to ask you. I'm not ready to ask him yet."

"Why not?"

"About a million reasons."

"But you are going to ask him, aren't you?"

"Yes, but..."

"Well then we might as well get over it now."

"Oh I guess you're right. How could he turn down the chance to sleep with someone as beautiful as you?"

She blushed, and the colour came to her breasts as well as her cheeks. Little goose pimples formed on her forearms. "Yeah, right."

"Your sure you want to do this?"

"Yes."

We dressed in silence, each worrying about exactly how we would go about persuading a boy to be in a porn film with us. I don't know about Anna, but I was worried he would want to fool around with us there and then as well, and although I wanted to fool around with him too, I didn't want things going too far too soon. While I had imagined fucking my brother many times, fantasy is very different from reality. It's not like I was completely inured to social morality. There was a definite level of uncertainty in me about whether I would want to go through with it. Or, more to the point, whether he would.

We tiptoed our way down to Ben's room. He lived on the floor below me, and as it was now past eleven o'clock, my parents had gone to bed and the house was dark and silent. I knew Ben would be up though. He was always up at this time, playing a football management game on his computer.

When we reached his door we froze, unsure how to proceed. Casting a glance at each other there passed between us the acknowledgement of what we were about to do. Silently assuring ourselves that we both wanted to do this, she lifted her arm and knocked quietly on the door.

"Yeah?," came the reply from inside.

"It's us, Ben. Can we come in?"

"The doors open."

We walked in and found the room in its usual chaotic state. It was not that Ben was naturally messy, for a boy of his age he was probably pretty tidy, but he had no real reason to keep it neat, and as such there were piles of clothes on the futon, and papers strewn across the floor. He looked up at us as we came in, and then turned back to the computer, completely focused on the flashing writing on the screen.

"How are you, Ben?" Anna asked.

"I'm okay, Anna. How are you? What brings you down here at this hour?"

"I'm okay," Anna said, nervous and pushing me forward.

"Listen Ben, there is something we want to ask you."

"Sure. What is it?

"Could you stop playing that for a minute, its difficult talking to your back like this."

He sighed, but turned around. He forced his voice into a calm tone and gestured for us to continue.

"It's like this, Ben. We have been asked to make a movie, and can pay anyone who wants to be in it £5000 for their services."

"Yeah right. Is this an internet scam or something?"

"No, its not, I promise." Anna nodded along, though I had no idea how she could be certain.

He was not convinced. But he nodded for us to continue.

"Well, you see, it's not exactly a normal movie like we have made before. You see, it's...well...,its kind of a porn movie, except I get to be the director and camera woman and casting director and everything else as well. No-one else would be there when we made it, or anything."

"We want you to be in it." Anna jumped in, putting my uncertainty to shame. But she seemed to be pretty ashamed of how eager she had been as well.

Ben looked from Anna to me, back to Anna and back to me. The seriousness on our faces had started to convince him that we were serious. As he looked at me, I saw him raise his eyebrows a fraction, as if to say, "is this for real?" I raised my eyebrows too, and turned my eyes to the floor, hoping that I was assuring him it was indeed for real. He smiled at that point, and I was sure he was remembering the sight of my laying spread eagled on the bed masturbating. But maybe he wasn't, because his gaze had returned to Anna, and he was nodding ever slowly.