Such Stuff as Dreams are Made Ch. 04

At home the next day I made a list of all the things I would need to buy in order to make the film. I started with the video equipment, searching the net to find the best deals I could get. I logged onto Which? and checked their reviews of audio-visual recording equipment, and spoke to a couple of experts in shops, all to make sure the equipment I bought would be the best of the best.

Video cameras x 6. I already had my parent's expensive camcorder, and Anna had one as well, we would only need four others. These cost £400 each though.

20 multipacks of recording tape. 80 tapes in all, for over 120 hours of material. (£80)

Audio recording equipment, including lapel mics, three boom mics, and cables to track these back to the camcorder. (£500)

Brackets for wall mounting. (£50)

Video editing software. (£99)

Standing lights, scented candles, etc. (£200+)

Total price: at least £2489

This was going to be more expensive than I bargained for; how was I going to afford all this? I decided to worry about that later. I would find the money. Even if it meant taking a loan and then prostituting myself to get the money back. That last thought sparked a whole other fantasy that I had to curtail in order to complete the other lists.

Next came the list of all the sexier things we would need. All the lubricants, condoms and sex toys, not to mention the porn we might watch for 'inspiration.'

Condoms. (Box of 48) £15

Lubricant (5 tubes) £10

Sex Toys:

3 Dildos of varying sizes. £20

3 Vibrators. A Rampant Rabbit, a sleek metallic bullet, and a long thin flexible one. £50

Anal beads. £10

3 Butt plugs £20

3 Cock rings £10

A strap-on harness and dildo. £50

A two way dildo for lesbian play. £40

'How to' sex books for men and women. £50

A selection of porn movies. £50

Total Price: £325

The longer I spent browsing the thousands of products on the internet, the more worked up I became. I read reviews and customer feedback, endlessly amazed by the breadth of products available. They all looked good too. After a week of browsing, I placed the order, and sat back to await the delivery, keeping my fingers crossed that my parents wouldn't open the package when it arrived. They didn't, and I spent a glorious evening examining them in my room.

The final list was for all the things I would need to do before August to ensure we would all be ready to make the movie when the time came. This included such practicalities as going on the pill, and making sure Anna and Natalie did too, lingerie shopping, purchasing train tickets, scouting a wooded location for the outdoor sex scenes, and, last but not least, getting a job to afford it all!

The first of these were achieved with minimal fuss. A trip to the doctors for each of us, followed by a group trip to La Senza. The train tickets I bought online, and handed to everyone personally to make sure they knew this was really going to happen.

I asked John and Owen to do the scouting, and received an email a few days later with pictures of their location half an hour walk from their house, at the bottom of a ravine which had once been dynamited and was now disused and difficult to get to. Perfect.

All that was left was getting a job. I distributed my CV, phoned around shops, and asked my parents if they had any contacts. I came home each day with sore feet, desperate for anything anyone would give me. In the end my dreams came true and I was offered a full-time position in a bookshop, to begin immediately once I finished my A-Levels in June. I did the maths in my head: nine weeks of fulltime work, paying £5.05 an hour, would be over £1700 in total. Added to my £2000 of savings, that gave me over £3500 to spend on equipment, which would be just about enough. Now I had to wait.

The summer flew by. I managed to find time in between masturbating to revise, and felt I had done well enough in my exams. Every day from then on I worked in the bookshop, finding it more satisfying than I imagined. Even the sore feet were proof of a job well done. From day one my new colleagues made me feel right at home. I found there was no better way to great a colleague in the morning than by asking what they had read the night before, or what their favourite books were. Shopwork was all about teamwork: whereas in an office everyone works in their own independent silo with their own desk and their own computer, in the bookshop we shared a working environment and could see everything each other did. But rather than creating an atomised, Big Brother Is Watching You atmosphere, it broke down that fear of failure and enabled us to help each other. I've had many jobs since and, that bookshop remains the best of the lot.

Bookselling also provided various opportunities to licentiousness. I invented games where I would act innocent and toy with the purvey old men who came in to ogle the erotic photography books. On one occasion a young man came in and asked if we had any copies of the Karma Sutra. When I showed him where to find it he grabbed it from my hand and nearly ran to the till to purchase it with a giant smile plastered across his face. I managed to offer a sly 'enjoy your purchase' as I gave him the receipt. No doubt he was off to try it all out, and that thought left me wet for the entire day.

Most of my time though I worked in the fiction section where, in-between helping customers purchase the latest celebrity-penned work of barely disguised biography, I found ways to sneak surreptitious readings of erotic classics. They were all there and I particularly loved Anais Nin's Delta of Venus, and Leopold von Sacher-Mach's Venus in Furs. But I read them all: Henry Miller's Tropic of Cancer, and Tropic of Capricorn, John Cleland's Fanny Hill, The Story of O, and a couple of books by the Marquis de Sade.

Added to these, there was a bay full of Black Lace erotic novellas to browse, with all sorts of sexy adventures to work my way through. There was one story about a young secretary being forced to have sex with three union bosses at the same time in order to reach a settlement and avert strike action. It ended with the revelation that this had been the imagination of the secretary as she sat in the real, and very boring, union discussions. That one really turned me on. I felt I knew exactly what the narrator was feeling as she fantasised. I would often drift off into such a fantasy while shelving, only to be disturbed by a customer and blush, struggling to regain my composure while I directed them to the right section.

In the health section I even found books about women's sexual fantasies, which I read in quick snippets, while shelving. God, they were filthy! I was both delighted and impressed with the scope of fantasies by those of my gender. I was positively vanilla in comparison to some of them! I found myself staring at the women who purchased the books, trying to discern what wonderfully elicit thoughts went through their heads while they played with themselves or their partners. They were usually confident types, smartly dressed and well presented, who looked you in the eye as they handed over the books, daring you to show any sort of reaction. I was enthralled by them. I wanted to tell them that I loved those books too, and suggest another title they might enjoy, but couldn't bring myself to do so. I had to satisfy myself with fantasising that I caught them masturbating in the shop toilets, and had to help them out.

In this way the weeks passed quickly. Sometimes at night Ben and I would tease each other with skimpy clothes or challenge how far we would go in the movie. I remained worried about what would happen between us, and what that might mean in the future. Sometimes it kept me up at night and I'd trudge off to work with barely an hours sleep behind me.

Ben was a great big brother, always protective and friendly towards me, always willing to give me time if I needed it. I was terrified that this movie might change that. My fears were those of any girl about to lose her virginity with someone: what if, once we'd had sex, he lost respect for me and that closeness was broken beyond repair? If that happened with John, or even Owen, I could probably have coped. Natalie too. But what I would do if I lost my friendship with Anna or Ben I had no idea. I wanted to make each of them happy, though. I wanted to use my whole body to raise him to the heavens and then bring him back down, to make those fantasies of his come true, but when it came to the practicalities my skin turned cold. What I needed was to talk to him about it, to creep downstairs at night and work through the problem together. But I couldn't bring myself to do so.

And so the insomnia dragged on.

Anna and Natalie grew ever more friendly. I suspected that my controlling attitude to the movie's development had made them natural bedfellows and that they had started to share things with each other rather than with me. But that was okay. It had to be that way. I had removed myself into a fantasy world, and didn't want anything else to break in. When they stayed over I made it clear I didn't want any group masturbation, because I wanted it to be extra special come the summer, and when they probed for answers to the movie plot, I refused to budge. I was still writing the actual script, and it was proving difficult. I had a composite image in my head, complete with sights and sounds and squelching smells and tastes and touches. It was lit not by real light but the power of my imagination, and depended not on the independent input of five actors, but the unreasoning compliance of fictional characters. When I tried to put it down on paper I couldn't rectify these dichotomies. It was as though my imagination worked in luminescent hues, but I could only paint in watercolour. What I put on paper was but a pale reflection of what was in my mind.

What I was suffering, I now realise, were the old-as-time worries of the artist, the dark night of the soul. In my youthful arrogance I'd assumed I might be impervious to such problems and found the reality rather disappointing. Had it not been for the camaraderie of fellow writers at the bookshop, I might have found it even harder. In the end, I had to accept that erotic writing, unless much stylised, was never likely to be particularly ground-breaking. I would have to rely on the passions of the actors and imaginations of the viewers to turn a distinctly average script into that which resided in my mind.

When August arrived, I bought the audio-visual equipment with my wages and tested each and every item to make sure I knew how to use it. Ben, Anna, and Natalie helped, and we split them between us to ensure that my parents didn't notice the sudden influx of equipment.

A week before we were due to leave I got my hair cut, and bought new make-up and clothes. With every day that passed, I grew more excited. However the uncertainty continued, and finally, the night before we left I could take it no more. After lying awake for a couple of hours I got up and made my way to his bedroom. As usual, the light was on, flickering through the cracks in the door. I knocked lightly, and opened it up.

'Amelia,' he said.

'Hey Ben.'

'Can't you sleep?'

'Not a wink.' I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. You?'

'I can't quite believe this is actually going to happen.'

'Are you having second thoughts?'

'No. You?'

'No.'

'You seem quiet. Are you sure you are okay?'

'Yes, I was just wondering about us.'

'Us?'

'You know, what are we going to do in this movie if we have to do things together?'

He turned off his computer screen and came to sit next to me, taking my hand in his. 'What do you want to do?'

'I don't know. I don't want this weekend to get in the way of our being friends and you being my brother.'

He laughed. 'Do you know why I agreed to be in this movie?'

'Other than getting your end away?'

'Yes, other than that. Sure, the idea of doing things with Anna and Natalie was irresistible. But more than anything I want to be there with you, to make sure you don't get into any trouble. I know you, Amelia, and I've seen the silly things you do when you get horny; when you offer yourself on a plate hoping someone will take your gift. I've seen how people use you like that. I don't want you to hurt yourself, and I don't want others to take advantage of you either.'

A few tears escaped my eyes. 'I'm okay Ben. I want to do this. And I trust everyone in it. I wouldn't do it if I didn't. But it is good to know that you will be there to keep the guys in line!'

He lifted my chin to look me in the eye. 'No matter what happens, you will always be my sister, and I will always love you.'

'I'll always love you too.' The tears fell freely then and I let them come, burying my face in his shoulder and holding him tight. 'What do you want to do?,' I asked, when the tears started to ebb. 'I want to make you happy. I'll do whatever you want.'

'You are the sexiest woman I have ever seen, and if you want to do things with me, then I will take it as a great honour.'

I smiled. 'But what about incest, Ben. It's illegal.'

'I know, but I love you, and right now, the idea of sleeping with you feels right. It's just sex. We're not having a baby!'

'You don't think it will be weird?'

'I don't know. I don't want you to feel any pressure to do anything with me. There's Anna and Natalie for that and I suspect each of them on their own would be more than I can handle!'

'I'm sure they will! But the idea of not getting to kiss you, not getting to taste you and make you cum is awful to me. You are right, I think you are sexy too, and it feels right that we should be together some time this weekend.'

'Shall we play it by ear, and see what happens?'

'Sounds good.'

'And if the chance comes up, you wont mind if I pounce on you like a hungry leopard?'

I purred. 'I hope you do.'

'Then we are agreed. Come and give me a goodnight kiss, and then you better get off to bed. It's your Big Day tomorrow.'

I hugged him close, pressing my face into his cheek and enjoying the safety of his arms around me. I was glad he was going to be there this weekend. I felt liberated knowing he's keep me safe.

'Thanks Ben, you get to bed too. I want you looking bright eyed and bushy tailed tomorrow.'

'Yes Madam Director. Whatever you say.'

'Goodnight.'

'Goodnight.'

I turned to the door.

'Sleep well Amelia. I'm going to stay here and think about the last time we visited John and Owen. I can't wait to make your face look like it did then.'

'Oh Ben. I want to stay here and give you a hand. I want to cuddle up in bed with you and feel safe tonight. Who knows, maybe after all this is over...'

I had to fight with every ounce of strength I had not to go to him then. It looked like he did too. 'But for now, here's a quick reminder.' I pulled open my pink robe and flashed him my naked body beneath. For a second, maybe two, I let him stare at my boobs and shaven sex. Then I shut my robe, kissed him on the cheek, and made my way back to bed.

Soon I was fast asleep.

*****

I woke before sunrise, more rested than I had felt for weeks. The house was cool all around me, like a cocoon from which I would soon have to emerge. My body shivered and stomach ached with anticipation of the world outside these walls. It was time.

I got up and showered, letting the hot water cool me down. After that I got dressed and checked through my suitcases for the umpteenth time. Then I went down for breakfast.

It was still early. The rest of the house only just waking around me. I sat and watched TV while I ate a couple of pieces of toast, and when my parents came down I sat with them in the kitchen. Dad left, and I sat for a while with my mum. Just having her nearby helped calm my nerves. What with my job and this project, it felt like ages since we had spent any time together.

'Do you have plans for this weekend, honey?'

I wanted to tell her everything. 'Not really. We might make a movie and go walking in the woods. That sort of thing.'

'I'm pleased you all still get on together. You've always been such good friends.'

'Yeah. It'll be weird having Anna and Natalie along too though.'

'They've all met before, haven't they?'

'Natalie hasn't met John and Owen but otherwise we all know each other.'

'It will be nice for you to have some girly company there, I imagine. It must get tiring being around three boys all the time.'

'It's alright.'

Mum went back to reading the newspaper.

'Mum, can I ask you something?'

'Sure, what is it sweetie.'

'Well, you had boyfriends when you were younger right?'

'Sure. Some, anyway.'

'What was it like?'

'What do you mean?'

'How did you meet? And what sort of things did you do?'

'Oh we met all sorts of places. But never those ones people said we'd meet in. Usually they were friends of my friends, or people I met doing sports or through work.'

'How did you know you liked them though?'

'Oh honey. Where has all this come from? Do you have someone in mind?'

'I was just wondering. I want someone, you know. So did they always come up and ask you, or did you ask them out sometimes?'

'It was usually them. Or friends setting us up. It was different every time.'

'Did you ever make any terrible mistakes? Did any of them turn out to be total creeps?'

'I made my share of bad decisions. Everyone does at some time in their lives. But the guys I dated were usually gentlemen. They're just like us, you know. Deep down. Some are nicer than others, but when it comes down to it they just want love and affection like we do.'

'Did you know you loved Dad before you dated him?'

'No. Not at all. In fact, I thought he was a bit stuck up when I first met him. That's why you need to give people a chance. Open up to them, let them open up to you. Then you know whether they are right or not. But you've got to give them a chance. I almost rejected him when he first asked me out.'

'Why didn't you?'

'I was lonely. My friends were all pairing off together and I didn't want to be left alone. And he made me laugh.'

'And the rest is history?'

'Exactly. Listen honey, I've got to get to work. But I'm always here if you want to talk some more. You can phone me tonight and we'll finish this properly. Are you okay?'

'I'm fine mum.'

'Have a great weekend. And remember, just be yourself. Things will happen when you least expect them too.'

'Thanks mum.'

'Bye.'

'Bye.'

Ben came down for breakfast at 8.30 and Anna and Natalie arrived soon after. Their parents had been told that we were going away for a quiet girl's weekend in the countryside, but that Ben would be with us to keep us safe. They seemed happy with this scenario and had even given them some much needed spending money that we could use to buy alcohol and food.

Our train was at 10.30.

We got a taxi to the station and got to Euston with plenty of time to spare. I bought a hot chocolate and we found a table to sit at, the four of us together. The journey was slow, each of us keeping to ourselves, hiding our gaze from each other, and pretending to read a book or listen to music. I kept looking over at Ben, remembering the last night's conversation, and for the first time in a long time tried to put myself in his shoes. Was Mum right?: were boys just the same as girls? Here he was, travelling with three girls who he'd probably fuck within the next 72 hours. I had no idea what to say to them and they were my best friends. How much harder it must be for him. What was it like not even knowing how to talk to someone you were about to sleep with? Was he nervous about having to perform, or was he thanking every one of his lucky stars for this glorious opportunity? I had no idea what was going through his head, but I guessed he was at least as uncertain as I.