tagHumor & SatireSuck, Eat...Oh What a Treat!

Suck, Eat...Oh What a Treat!


Man, I was 40 years old and had been laid more times than I could remember. I was handsome, my body was well defined and I had a cock that every women dreamed of – eight inches long and another eight inches around.

All right, so I'm exaggerating. I've seen you pad your bra too. Don't dump that on me. I ain't no tramp and that's more than I could say about most of you. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I went down on a woman, licked her until she came and then she reciprocated like a decent human being.

It's utterly disgusting, and as much as I searched I couldn't find the woman who would blow me dry, after I spent an hour or more, lapping away at her feminine button and down-there lips.

So one day I decided to challenge any woman who was up to it, to let me eat them, then they suck me again, then I eat them, and it goes on and on. I advertise this in my local downtown nouveau crap newspaper. The add reads:

I am handsome, straight and rich. I want to eat you until you can take it no more. But you have to blow me too. ONE ON ONE. I'll eat you out of the stadium. And I guarantee orgasms, or I will pay you $1000. The winner, wins the knowledge that your sex is better than mine, or mine is better than yours. So if you're are up to it, E-mail me etc. etc. etc.

Anyway, I received 3,403 responses. I ain't kiddin'. I have a ticker on my e-mail, which tells me how many I'm getting. So I deleted the first three thousand and began to read the next 403. Most of them were dumb. Average crap that most of you spew forward. Conventional, mainstream, nonsensical bullshit. Then I'm left with about 5 in my hand that are worth reading. I cut out one because the chick tell me her boobs are 32c. If I want prunes, I'll eat more compote.

I cut out another one (even though she made me hard by telling me that she's sucked cock once for eight hours) cause she says that she "reserves the right to say 'no'." So that's stinkola to me. In my neighbourhood, no means yes, and yes means up the ass.

So I'm left with three. One forgot to leave her e-mail and the last one fit just fine. This is what this hoolie rights (I know…writes. Bug off).

If I can't unsuck, out lick and generally blow you I will give you my home. And enclosed I leave you my address and key. The home, the furniture and even my friggin cat are yours. Rachel. Rachel@sweatups.com (reader this is made-up. So don't even try it. Stupids!)

Needless to say, I jumped on my Harley and rode straight over. I came to a rich part of town – Rosedale, and to her street. I see her house. The lights are on; it's an old Victorian split with a circular driveaway in the front. I pulled my Fat Boy in front of the big bay window.

I see her for the first time. There she is, on the other side of the Bay window. She is a drop dead gorgeous hunk of a woman standing there with nothing on but the Great Lords woman uniform, and she is fillin it out. Her hair is soft Asian black and flowed down her back as though it had never been cut. With locks like a child's. Her eyes were light green, and as large as I had ever seen. I couldn't take my eyes off her puffy lips until I caught sight of her magnificent, perfect breasts; until I caught sight of her pierced navel, and then her shaved pussy. It was a sight to behold, and I waved at it with glee. I had arrived.

"I knew you'd come. I've been waiting," this Paradise-on-legs yells at me. I went over to the front door and it was locked, "Shit," I yelled, "open the friggin door."

I tried the back door and the side door. I tried the bottom windows, to no avail, and then figured I'd shimmy up the trough to climb in an open window near the attic. I climbed like a squirrel and arrived at the attic window. There she is and she slams it down on my hand.

But, I ain't stopping here though. I was hot and hard. Every time this madwoman would tease me or lead me on like I was her puppy needing her love, I'd get harder than a post. I was wild with passion. I needed to get into that home.

I looked for her, as I recovered from the fall and spotted this bitch standing against a side window. Oh, Lord Tundrin Jesus. She was masturbating with a dildo the size of my arm.

I watched her like a boy, as she masterfully humped herself with that big rubber dick; and I can see she's wet, and dying to get off. I couldn't help it. I had to touch her and I picked up a small boulder – which had been acting as a birdbath or somethin' – and hurled it through her friggin bay window.

The alarm went off as the glass shattered. But she kept on making love to herself. The noice was loud and I was terrified the police would come. But it all made me feel hornier and hornier.

I lowered my hand to my zipper and began to unzip, as quick as I could. My cock popped out, not having any underpants to hold it back and I ran toward this….this, this pig.

God, she wanted me so badly. I grabbed her by the shoulders and she spit at me. To me that don't me nothing though because it just makes me hotter. I know how wet she must be for me, and I spun her around so that her ass is sticking out and she's leaning up against a marble pillar.

Man she is splendid. I remembered a description of some woman in a Charles Dickens's book in which he said that she "was more splendid than the final act in a murder mystery." Ooooh, and this chick was. She tried to turn around but I wouldn't let her.

I grabbed the dildo still inside of her and yanked it out. It was so slippery and full of her gooh, so I stuck it up to her mouth and she took it and sucked on it, like you would, a fudgicle on a summer day.

I couldn't believe it. She took it right down her throat and I swear, I thought she was going to swallow it. I actually lost site of the end of it for a few seconds and it looked like her throat had a hard-on. She must have licked the rubber right off that stick. Man! I was going to cum.

There I was, jumping around while I tried to pull off my alligators. One came off okay, but the second one wasn't so friendly. As it finally slipped off, I fell backward and knocked over a bookcase, so that the books went flying all over the floor. I noticed that the alarm had stopped and not a one fireman had shown up.

I was horny alright, and I yelled out to her, "I'm going to eat your pussy until it peels right off, " and I pulled up behind her, like a Winnebago at a trailer park, and just set about eating her and eating her and eating her. It wasn't long before I was off the hook for a $1000; I was happy about that. Not 30 seconds into my sucking and eatin and lickin, she winds up her body likes its that goddamn Eveready Rabbit and starts to buck on my face and grind her lips into my lips. She pushed her maiden organ so far into my mouth I thought I was go'in to choke on her.

Her clit stuck out at me, and was near as big as my nephews cock (don't worry how I know that. None of your business!). I was hurtin and choking, but never felt so hot. I wanted to eat this woman right up until her thighs; take her in me and make her cum until she collapsed and expired. I wanted to eat her to death.

Once she settled down, she turned to me and said, "it's my turn." I could see by the look in her eye that she was more awake now than when the brick went through her window, the fire alarm went off and when I yanked that dildo clear out of her bushy willow.

She stood up with the surety of a grasshopper and moved me around so that I'm comfortable for her. She settled my naked ass down on the marble tiles and leaned my back up against the pillar. With something I thought only men did, she grabbed me by my ankles and yanked me forward, like I'd see the Japanese do to their women.

Well, so far I'm feeling somewhat abused and very vulnerable (and no I'm not crying…not yet, anyway). The crazy women then pulled me forward and slapped me hard in the face. I was stunned. She slapped me again, and then again, and told me not to lift my hands up or she would bight my cock right off. I was scared and I didn't know how to deal with it.

My body was shaking like it had during a rainstorm. I wasn't sure if I was being raped, paid back, or just simply being made love to in a very aggressive manner. I'll tell you truth, I kinda felt like I heard women felt, often with men. It was exhilarating.

She bent down, and surprisingly, took my cock in between her lips, but very nicely. It seemed that her strategy was to use powerful bravado to pumped me up, so that when she actually set about performing fellatio on me, her gentleness made me weak and very scared. Man, she was working my head, and my body was right there with it. This woman was brilliant.

I started to cry. I had never cried, not since I was thirteen and my grandfather died right after my Bar Mitzvah (yes, I'm Jewish. I don't sound Jewish. I was born in the country, dick!) Tears had welled up in my eyes and I was scared, so much so that my cock seemed to be outgrowing its sheath.

Her lips lowered themselves on my inflated cock and I was gasping for air from the pleasure she was giving me. I wish you could have felt this. Her lips, which were so pouty and wet, were making semi circles around my cock, over every inch of it, and at the same time her soaked fingers (from her own juices) were making little twists up and down, in sync with the lip twists.

She would masturbate my cock with her saliva, until it got dry. But she wouldn't stop then. She would keep beating me off until the dryness of my dick could take it no more, and then she'd lather me up with her spit, one more time.

My legs were over her head and she had overpowered me. I could see that her eyes were darting every which way, like an eagle's diving for a field mouse.

She loved to be close to my asshole. She told me so as she moved her tongue to my asshole and just started to fuck me. My god, her tongue was so far inside of me it felt like I was being fucked by a guy's dick (Forget it. It's must a metaphor).

Her arms were holding my legs up and she was making sure that I could see her slurp at my back-whole and watch her suck on it with start and stop motions; with movements imitating a vibrator. This girl was good and I needed this fucking so badly.

I felt like a man again. I was happy that nobody could see me, but I felt masculine. There I was. Lying on my back, crying, with my legs in the air exposed to everything and everybody, and this creature was making love to my bum with her tongue.

I couldn't stand any more. I couldn't take it. It was too much. "Please, please, let me cum." I shouted at her. She had stopped twice, three times at the most important time and I was about to collapse from shear anxiety. "Please, I will do anything for you, just let me cum."

I'm cryin now like a little girlee and she hears me say, "I'll do anything…" So she bends around and looks at me and says, "anything"?

"Ya," I answered. "Please, just let me shpritz out." I'd learned that from my Uncle Max - Shpritz out. He said its what you call a Yiddish orgasm. A Yorgasm! MMMH. I like that.

So she says to me, "Okay, I want you to be my slave for the next two days and anything goes…clamps, ropes, scalding was, and anal probes. Anything."

"Okay, I swear anything goes. Anything," I whimpered and she handed me a contract, which I signed and apparently agreed to become a slave for 48 hours (which was still legal in my State. No, I'm not telling you which one.).

And with that, she sucks and sucks and blows and eats me. Just like she did with the dildo, she took me all the way down her throat and when that was done, she kept right on going until my entire groin was down her gullet, and she was up for more.

And as she blew me I felt her finger, her fingers, all five of them, jam one by one, into my ass. I thought I was bleeding, it was so painful, but the more painful it got, the hotter I got.

She yanked her mouth up and down my skinflint and could tell from my near comatose look that I was close to getting off the train. With this knowledge, my mistress took a bottle from nearby and poured its content onto my cock. I was burning, out of control.

There must be chilies in that perfume cause my cock was on fire. My ass was full of her fist as she leaned forward and took that dildo, and shoved it in my mouth.

Oh my god, I started. I had never felt this before and I was terrified. Something wasn't right, or at least not familiar. With the deepest intake I had ever mustered, my muscles contracted and stayed that way for what seemed like hours. The feeling was better than heroine (ya, right!) and my eyes had rolled back inside my head and I could see my brain.

I was cumming. I was suffering a full-blown orgasm and after a couple of minutes I still hadn't released the contraction. But when I did, cum started to shoot out over the room in splashes the size of a boat. The entire area seemed to become soaked with my semen. She was bathing in it and I couldn't stop.

I came and came that night, perhaps two dozen times and I was so spent that I couldn't hear anything around me, or feel my body. I needed to sleep.

I had to admit defeat. She was better. This woman was stronger and I was wrong about females. And let me tell you my new friends, over the next 48 hours she made sure I repeated that over and over. If you've ever had nipple clamps on the tip of your penis and attached to your balls, you'll know exactly what I mean.

(But you know, I'm still thinkin, guys are the best!!) Ouch! Sorry! Ouch! Ouch! Women are the best! Sorry!

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byMycke© 0 comments/ 21552 views/ 1 favorites

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