Sufferance Ch. 13

I listened to my heartbeat, elevated and pounding harder than usual. My depth perception, such as it was when making out nothing but waves of energy in the shapes around me, played tricks on my mind a couple of times as the cave seemed to shrink or expand. I attributed it to my headache and the strength of the ward still humming right above our heads.

Eventually, as I expected, D'Shea made a motion to catch my eye and gestured, *Would you willingly return to the Sanctuary?*

*If you command it, Elder. I have no fear of the place.*

*And the Priestess?*

*Those showing signs of desperation are not intimidating, Elder.*

Her energy showed her irritation before her face did. *Do not tell me you would underestimate her even now when you know better. I know you were desperate to accept the wizard's help on your mission.*

*My apologies, Elder, you are correct. It was meant as a show of confidence. I do not respect her much if her Draegloth is somehow pulling her strings. Respecting her and respecting her resources are two different things.*

D'Shea nodded in satisfaction.

*Phaelous sends his regards once again, Elder,* I added.

She paused at the sharp turn in conversation. Much as she had done to me many times in the past, this was not completely unrelated, and her instincts were telling her this as she stared at me, her energy showing another spike. *Thank you.*

When that was all she said, I signed, *I noticed Shyntre favors him, Elder.*

She let out her breath slowly. *Nudging your toe closer to the sleeping wyrm, are you, novice?*

*I have changed my mind, Elder.*

She didn't quite follow me. *Changed your mind?*

*About the mage. He is interesting to me beyond my original intentions. I think he is more valuable as a resource rather than the strict entertainment I'd imagined. I believe now it would hamper my success to try to break him.*

D'Shea stared at me. *You are not teasing.*

*I do not tease you, Elder. Do you not know him very well, then, for this to sound so surprising?*

Now I could see her glare clearly. *I do not appreciate your hints, Sirana. With whom have you been talking about me?*

*Elder Rausery,* I answered. *I did not realize it until she spoke more freely. Until then I had been talking about the wizard's link to us, which I learned through the Priestess.*

D'Shea tried to banish some of the tension which had accumulated in her shoulders. It was with effort she did so, and her hand movements were stiff nonetheless. *Inevitable that you would learn that.*

She signed nothing more. I left it for a while, pondering that she had certainly had a more personal reason to try to deny Wilsirathon meeting me for that first full year. Ultimately, though, the Priestess had gotten her way.

It took a while to outwait my Elder.

*Rausery thinks I am not training you fast enough,* D'Shea signed.

I made no comment and waited for the follow-up thought.

*Jaunda thinks I've hobbled Gaelan.*

Both of these things I was present to hear before; I had to assume D'Shea was only reminding me of it.

*What would you say on either? Do you agree with them?*

Actually...yes, I did. But that was without knowing any of D'Shea's reasoning. I decided to say as much.

*I have little information with which to decide. The little I have support those claims, yes, but I do not know your reasons. Recently, with Shyntre, I have found that information and experience can change the initial perception a great deal.*

I could sense a little of her tension ease at my response. A good thing. Now I only had to wait again.

*I need a Sister to return to the Sanctuary,* she signed after another long pause. *You are not the most skilled Sister, but you are the one I could trust most with the mission and the only one with any advantage against Wilsirathon. Unfortunately, you are also the most vulnerable and would also be the one to have the most to lose, besides me.*

My Elder had my full attention, but I could assume that she was not content with her options and something was making her hesitate debriefing me fully.

*Can it wait, Elder?* I signed, nudging her subtly.

She signed, *Not much longer.*

*Then it seems to me you must decide now whether to tell me everything or nothing at all, Elder.*

She smirked at me. *Bold words. Have you anything you wish to tell me first?*

I nodded. *I am chafing for another challenge, Elder. I am becoming bored.*

*Certainly that is a quality Rausery knows how to exploit well.*

*It works, Elder,* I signed plainly.

*A disadvantage of your age. Another reason perhaps I should not send you.*

I was careful not to move my hands as I let the initial feeling of resentment pass. Only then did I say, *Wilsira commented on my age many times. I surprised her. And I brought you something to which you could bear witness, and she does not know about it.*

D'Shea inclined her head once. *Granted, and I am not discounting that. Your instincts and intelligence are good. Except for becoming so easily restless and having no interest in studying the arcane, you are much as I had been.*

Meanwhile, her exceptions were qualities that I admired in Jael, Jaunda, and Rausery; it made them fast-acting and bold.

*You have considered Gaelan, perhaps?* I offered, although not truthfully. *She is more patient and has interest in the arcane.*

D'Shea shook her head. *She does not have your will or your creativity. That is what she admires in you, and would like to become. I need both those qualities, but I also need caution and more magical ability than you have.*

*How much magical ability?*

*Such a thing is hard to quantify, Sirana.*

*Would Tarra have it, Elder? Would she support me on your behalf?*

D'Shea tilted her head. *Lelinahdara?*

I nodded. *Tarra. Arcane and divine. Your ally, Elder. She has been inside my head a number of times, yet Wilsira proved to know little of me. It would seem you can trust her.*

*Asking her to move directly against her Priesthood may change that.* Her gestures were brisk.

*No, asking her to outmaneuver Wilsira, Elder. Priestesses do this regularly, even I know that. It would be to her advantage were Wilsira to fall, would it not?*

I found it odd that D'Shea, of all Drow, would hesitate on something like this.

*How did she become your ally, Elder?* I asked.

*That is not your concern. Are you well enough to attempt the fourth ward?*

*No, Elder.*

*You are flittering with your hands enough to imply it.*

*My apologies, Elder. I wanted to offer ideas since you seem stuck.*

I heard a soft snort in the close chamber and she shook her head. After a quiet moment, she surprised me by signing with one hand, *I dislike being stuck.*

She would admit that to me? I wanted to wait again rather than push her, but this time she outwaited me.

*I am yours, Elder, though others would try to cast doubt on my value to you. You have favored me. Why?*

*I have answered that before.*

*I am like you,* I supplied.

*You can keep up with me,* she corrected impatiently. *Rausery likes to think I am holding you back, but in reality it is the Prime. She wants to know how you killed Juarinia, and Lelinahdara did not even glean that from your mind in the trial. As long as you keep that secret, the Prime does not trust your advancement to be too quick. She believes you hold on to your past.*

I stared at her, genuinely surprised. Was that all? *You never asked me, Elder.*

*Rausery and Jaunda did. You denied killing her.*

*That is because I did not.*

D'Shea breathed out and signed deliberately, *Very well. How did the Firstborn of House Thalluen die, Sirana?*

I was quiet as I considered. The satisfaction I'd felt back then at accomplishing my hope, my sole goal then, seemed much milder now by comparison to what I'd accomplished as a Red Sister.

*It was an accident.*

*There are many 'accidents,' Sirana.*

I shrugged. *Of course. We had been quarrelling, Juarinia and I. This was frequent. Often she would force her current desire on me during or soon after a quarrel—whether that desire was a beating, my participation in another ritual, or other humiliations.*

D'Shea likely knew something of this nature already, but she did not interrupt me.

*During the cycle she died, I had escaped her room and she pursued me. There were no servants in the stables when I entered, there were no witnesses, it was her and me.* I paused as I brought the memory further forward in my mind; it had been well over a year since the last time I had reveled in it. *In the past, I had climbed up a ladder to the loft, and she had trapped me there. I had done it twice more with the same result.*

My Elder's eyes seem to sharpen and glint in the darkness as she interjected. *You do not strike me as a youth who would make the same mistake three times, Sirana.*

I smiled. *The second and third times were not mistakes, Elder. My sister was a creature of habit, and the third time I only did not have the distance I needed.*

She nodded, motioning I continue.

*The fourth time I had it, enough distance to start climbing and make the noise, but also to jump off and roll behind a large crock. Juarinia assumed I had made it to the top and had hidden up there, like before. She climbed up, and as she taunted and searched for me in the loft, I knocked over the ladder.*

*How far was the drop?*

*Not far enough to kill, but certainly would injure limbs.*

D'Shea had the air of being confused—because Juarinia had died of a fall—but said nothing.

*She cursed at me, and I left her in the stables and returned to the manor.*

There was another pause, and D'Shea signed sarcastically, *You left out the death in the story, Sirana.*

I smiled. *I imagine Juarinia may have discovered a pincer-worm when she lifted the coil of rope that we stored in the loft. You know, in case the ladder fell.*

D'Shea looked surprised and glanced at the rock that had been the first ward. I was sure now that she hadn't known to have chosen those creatures for this test. I felt pleased; she was far-seeing and secretive and intelligent...but she didn't know everything.

I explained. *I had a small one I had collected as a pet and kept in the stables, solely because she had such a strong aversion to them. Juarinia made noise every time she saw one, no matter how small. I liked to give her glimpses of them now and then, but she never knew of the pet. I suppose that time, it might have escaped its cage.*

*The Matron allowed an inspection. There were no insect bites on her daughter's body.*

*Then she was lucky. Not so lucky in how she landed on the stable floor, however.*

*The report was accurate, then? She died of a fall. All any heard were screams while all members of her family, including you, were inside the House.*

I nodded. *I did not touch her.*

*How long was the pincer-worm?*

*By the time she died?* I showed her by spacing out my index fingers to about the length of my hand, much larger than the two tiny ones now in soil beneath the first ward.

*Just large enough for its venom to be lethal. Did you know that?*

*No, but I had hoped so, Elder.*

*But you let Lolth's Hand take it from there.*

*I had decided could work with what She gave me, even if it was just a large scare. She proved more generous than that. If I prayed, it was always for Juarinia's death, Elder.*

*Indeed.*

D'Shea went still after that. Perhaps she was reflecting that even if there had been pincer marks visible—for those worms were known to attack repeatedly when subjected to loud noise—it could still have been a simple case of stupidity: Juarinia stumbling onto a sensitive, poisonous creature and screaming, startling it. It would have been an unfortunate accident she had called on herself, and I never would have claimed the pet at all. The cage would disappear soon after.

The simplicity of that plan, however, had never needed to be tested, because the worm hadn't managed one strike. Juarinia had simply broken her own neck, and it had crawled off to freedom.

I motioned to catch my Elder's attention, and when she looked at my hands, I added, *Will this help your plans, Elder?*

She gestured an affirmative. *The Prime will be satisfied.*

*Will you tell me more of your mission at the Sanctuary?*

*I am still not sure I will send you.*

*Who else would you send, Elder? Who else is more motivated than me to see Wilsira fall? From whom have you taken injury, even, in order to train her?*

Her eyes were piercing again as I reminded her of the fact that I had, indeed, raped her several times—I saw the injuries after, I just didn't remember the details. Why would she ever have tolerated what I'd done to her if she didn't think she could use it?

*Regardless of what Rausery says, you are training me,* I continued. *Just in ways she can't see. She is, however, giving me gifts and added training. She made Shyntre an instructor at the Tower, gave him an emerald replacement for his sapphire pendant, at least in order to start teaching me the Surface common language.*

D'Shea's expression was stony. *When was this?*

*Almost a week ago, Elder. You have been busy and did not seek me out after Rausery released me. Jaunda implied you were somewhere dangerous and I did not want to use a message pellet in case it distracted you at the wrong time, even if you were within range.*

*I was not, I would not have heard it,* she replied, and almost looked tired for a moment.

Then she stared down in deeper thought. I was not sure what I expected for my information and revelation, but maybe at least some irritation or anger at not telling her sooner?

*The sapphire pendant,* she signed. *I believe I may understand part of what it is now, and...this may help you more than any other Sister. We know it responds to you.*

I was excited to hear that. *What does it do?*

*It absorbs metaphysical energy, in a general and unfocused sense, and at a slow rate. But it may be tapped. I have a few ideas how that may be used.* She paused further. *I will give it more thought whether to send you.*

*What are you afraid of, Elder, that you will not make a decision?*

Now she looked angry.

*The water worms are surrounding your boat,* I signed plainly, *and Rausery isn't watching as close at the moment.*

The metaphor was not foreign to D'Shea, I could tell. Her anger withdrew but her face tightened in...worry? *There is something I cannot see. Some connection I am missing. Otherwise I would act now.*

*Concerning what, Elder?*

*Not what, but who. Jael.*

I let my surprise and interest show on my face. *Truly? She is so young.*

*And a fourth daughter. Yet someone at the Sanctuary tormented her with Draegloth as a child.*

*You do not know who?*

*On the contrary, I fear that I might.*

My mind leaped to the higher levels with that one; someone high enough to make D'Shea wary. *The High Priestess?*

I added a gesture showing I couldn't recall the current name; I thought it had changed recently.

*Rushenthanon,* D'Shea supplied for me, but shook her head. *No, I do not suspect her.*

I felt a tiny prick of cold in the center of my chest at my second thought. *...the Valsharess?*

D'Shea looked at me sharply, then exhaled when she realized there was no way to backtrack on that one. *Possibly. If you murmur anything of that sort ever again, however, you will likely find both yourself and Jael in a very difficult spot.*

I nodded quickly. *I understand, Elder.*

Pondering a possible connection between the Valsharess and House Aurenthin, however, kept us quiet for a long time. No coup. No execution. No political advantage. A haunted daughter of no potential or political consequence. But an old family line; just recently I had been admiring the classical beauty in Jael's face.

*A very old grudge?* I signed.

D'Shea nodded. *My thought as well. The worst possible kind to get caught in. The older the grudge, the farther the reach of the web.*

I considered that. *Can the Valsharess control the sons of other Priestesses?*

*Unknown for certain, but she is the most powerful Priestess we have, Sirana.*

I nodded. *Then assuming the possibility that she can, I could guess her actions were preventative as much as vengeful.*

D'Shea looked interested. *How so?*

*Jael told me the harassment stopped as soon as she matured for breeding, and that no one at her House likes the half-breeds but also never talk about why. I had the thought perhaps others in her family have suffered the same as her. What was the end result for her? She went into the military and hates the Court and everything to do with the Palace or the Sanctuary. Can you tell me if there has been a Priestess from House Aurenthin in the last century or more?*

D'Shea blinked and her eyes lit up; she almost looked excited. *No, there has not. None during my lifetime, Sirana. You struck on it, I think. So simple, I missed it. The Valsharess does not want a Priestess from that House. Aurenthin is being blocked and will never ascend again.*

I smiled, feeling warm at her approval. *Also implying Jael perhaps had the potential for divine magic and may have become a Priestess in another life?*

*Or has the potential still. We will have to watch her.*

*Is it possible Rausery knows or suspects this as well? When I asked her why we took her so young, she said, 'Maybe when you're older.'*

D'Shea gave it some serious thought but ultimately shook her head. *Rausery's argument at the time we made the decision had been that Jael was alienating herself even within the army, and that she had made one enemy who would likely try to kill her for the next petty insult.

*Truthfully, once that happens, we have often taken a recruit to test her then. If she is likely to die soon and no one would miss her, she is ripe for our purposes. If she succeeds, we move forward; if she fails, we forget about her as well.

*In her speech, Rausery felt straightforward as always, Sirana, and I have never known her to be that indirect. I do not believe she would look to gain a recruit early simply because that one may have had divine influence. I do not believe that she cares much for religion. What she said to you was likely just a tease.*

I had to nod in agreement. It did seem very unlike Rausery to pad her ranks with possible rejects from the Valsharess. However, it made Jael more intriguing to me. What had happened so long ago for a House to be cursed to a slow, quiet decline by the Queen? Why like that?

I gave D'Shea more time to think after this. Having made some kind of final link for her, I wondered if she would finally decide on her action, here and now, in this private cave?

I felt something...powerful...when she did.

*I will send you, Sirana. Your age and your previous assignment there may provide me with plausible deniability, but you will have to use your every instinct to see far enough ahead and avoid falling into the many deep chasms inside that place.*

*****

At last she could admit it.

She could actually say it, but only inside my head.

D'Shea cradled us both in an arcane spell which provided telepathic communication as it had in the Illithid battle because...well, I was guessing that she would not risk even silent hand signs with this information.

I held the sapphire pendant in my bare hand, at her insistence. She had had it in her possession and said it might bolster my mental stability and endurance, among other things. I was wary about what those "other things" were, but desired the debriefing too much to refuse clasping the gem. It had not caused any difficulties yet—not for me.

My Elder had also said the trance would take time, like Wilsira's trance with Curgia. She held me from behind in a similar fashion as well, but we were both sitting on the floor of the private, warded cave, rather than me in her lap.