Sugar & Spice

Before Evelyn could move a muscle, the telephone rang. She took it in her study. It was Emma Carson, the school librarian. Evelyn put it on the speakerphone, leaving her hands free to rub her temples.

"Ms. Rossi, I'm sorry to bother you at home. I probably shouldn't be calling at all. Principal Baines told us to keep our mouths... well, I just had to know if Sean was all right. Did he file a police report? I really think he should."

"A POLICE REPORT? WHAT FOR?"

"Oh, my, he didn't tell you? There were six or seven of them, waiting outside the library door for him to come out. I recognized them from the football team. Ask Sharon; she knows their names. They follow her around like puppy dogs. There was nothing I could do to stop them. I called the police as soon as I saw what was going on, but everyone was gone before they arrived. Sean is such a sweet boy and works so hard in his studies. He's just a little... different. Oh, my, he's not in the hospital, is he?"

Evelyn assured her, no, Sean wasn't in the hospital and everything would be fine. Breaking the connection, she wondered if anyone would be able to assure her everything would be fine. The Principal had instructed the librarian to keep her mouth shut? THE BASTARD! Sharon was standing in the open doorway. She had obviously heard it all. Evelyn just glared at her. The elder sister opened her mouth, then closed it. Twice.

Before Evelyn could say a word, the phone rang again. This time it was Claudia Rafferty. Evelyn thought it would be a good idea to put this call on speaker as well.

"Evie, what the Hell is going on in that town of yours?"

"Apparently, you know more than I do. I used to think I knew everything that went on here. I'm just finding out I was wrong."

"Dead wrong if you're not careful. Where is Shauna? Is she all right?"

"She, uh, just ran out. I was about to go after her."

"You'd better. I got a call from her just as I was about to leave the office. I spent an hour and a half on the phone with her. After she hung up, I was so shook, I couldn't even dial your number."

"What did she tell you?"

"She was mostly incoherent the whole time. Between the sobs, I managed to get she was jumped by a half-dozen of your finest local Neanderthals."

"Was she... raped?"

"I couldn't tell. I was only able to understand about every third or fourth word. You said she ran out the door. You don't keep a gun in the house, do you?"

"No, of course not. I... she wouldn't harm herself, would she?"

"She might, but I was more worried about something else. You know how we say abuse is a learned behavior? If an adult was abused as a child, there's a good chance he will become an abuser himself?"

"Yes. So?"

"SO, much of how we deal with our emotions, particularly in times of stress, is learned from our own experiences. Now, think about her role models for 'stress management'."

"OH... SHIT!"

"Yeah, 'oh, shit'. Here is what I want you to do. Hang up the phone. Call someone; Police, Coast Guard, Boy Scouts, Ladies Auxiliary, whatever you have in that miserable excuse for a community, and find her! Once you have her home – safe - call me on my cell. We can decide what to do from there."

Evelyn did as she was instructed. She noticed Sharon had disappeared. As she dialed, the distracted stepmother thought she heard the girl in the bathroom, losing her dinner. Evelyn would have joined her, but she had another daughter to find....

In the end, no one found her, despite the considerable resources Evelyn brought to bear for the search. The distraught parent had been coordinating the effort from her home. It had been two mostly sleepless days since Sean/Shauna had bolted out the door into the night. Evelyn had gone to the kitchen to get ice for one of her rare highballs (she really needed one at that point). The child was there; dirty, disheveled, standing at the counter, munching from a stack of Ritz crackers. She eyed her stepmother without the slightest trace of emotion. She merely stood there, chewing slowly. Sharon entered the kitchen behind her stepmother. Spying her sister, she gasped, stretched out her arms, and advanced towards the boy-girl. That elicited a response. The wretched-looking waif started backing away, until her back was pressed against the far wall. The terror in her eyes was unmistakable. The back door was two steps to her left - and still open.

Evelyn's hand moved like lightning. She seized the elder sibling's arm, halting her in mid-step, then pulled her back. She took her eyes off the terrified child only long enough to utter one terse command.

"GO!"

Sharon looked stunned. She beheld her sister once more, tears welling up in her eyes. She nodded slightly, turned, and dashed out of the room.

The two, parent and child, beheld each other warily from opposite sides of the kitchen. For one of the few times in her adult life, Evelyn Rossi was at a complete loss for what to do or say. Shauna decided for her. Popping the last cracker in her mouth, she peeled herself away from the wall, and walked slowly, cautiously, across the room, skirting her startled parent by a wide berth. She made it clear by her body language direct human contact was the last thing she wanted.

"Good night, Mom."

She didn't even turn around. She just walked through the door, up the stairs, and into her bedroom. The door shut with a quiet click. Evelyn, who had followed at a discreet interval, just stood at the door, not knowing what else to do. On one level, she couldn't help but admire the girl's pluck. Evelyn hadn't just called somebody to carry out the search; she had called everybody. Somehow, a distraught seventeen-year-old trauma victim had eluded the considerable resources Evelyn had brought to bear for two days, then appeared in her own kitchen as easily as you please. Sharon joined her stepmother outside Shauna's door. A thin strip of light seeped under the door and reflected on the shiny hardwood hallway floor.

They heard the water splash in the tub, followed a few seconds later by the activation of the showerhead. The water ran for a long time, punctuated by an occasional splash. The shower ceased at last. There came a faint metallic "tink" as a towel was pulled from the rack. A few minutes later, soft footfalls made their way across the bedroom floor, followed by the rustle of bedclothes. The thin strip of light went out; then, nothing. Sharon and Evelyn just stared at each other for a moment. They turned on their heels and went their separate ways; Sharon to her bedroom, Evelyn downstairs to her study - to call Claudia.

Evelyn and Shauna were on the plane to New York the next morning. That it was 'Shauna' was beyond a doubt. Her face was made up - not a lot, but noticeably - and her freshly-washed hair had been brushed until it glimmered. She had done her best to camouflage the damage to her face. She smiled, weakly, spoke when spoken to, but mostly just stared... elsewhere. Sharon had desperately wanted to accompany them, hold her sister, something. Both she and Evelyn knew that was impossible until they had a better idea of what was going on inside Shauna's head - and why she had reacted so violently to the mere sight of her sister.

As it was, the trip would merely be a 'turnaround' for Evelyn. Claudia wanted time with Shauna alone. The girl would be staying at a shelter for battered women on West 63rd Street, where Claudia stashed her other crisis victims. She would be well cared for - and watched - when she wasn't in session with the deeply-concerned psychiatrist. Evelyn's sole mission was to see Shauna arrived safely. Then, she would be back on the plane to Aurora. She would return to New York in two weeks to pick up her child and, hopefully, some answers. Fourteen days never passed so slowly.

"This is a mess!"

In all the years she had known Claudia, Evelyn had never known her to be anything other than cool, calm, and collected. She watched with concern as Claudia paced her office. If Claudia was worried, so was she.

"Thank you for that keen professional insight. Now I can return to Aurora a happy woman."

"If I could, I'd keep you right here - and Shauna with you."

The doctor stopped short at mid-room, smiling ruefully.

"Sorry. I guess that wasn't very professional of me, was it? It's just that it's been so long; you, me, Nora.... They were good times, weren't they?"

"The best. I understand why you wanted to stay in New York. We missed you."

Claudia gazed at a spot on the floor, lost in reverie, then re-focused on the problem at hand.

"All right, here it is. I'll start with the good news."

"The good news?"

"I think so. I was as surprised - shocked - as you are now. 'Shauna' has become a much stronger, more resilient personality. She meets or exceeds all the criteria for Title Five of the Benjamin Protocols; that's the Real Life Test. By the time she is eighteen, she will be ready for Title Six; that's surgery. The biggest problem she faces is the inability to live full-time as a female. Damn that town you live in! I know better than to ask if you would consider moving. Your business is not exactly portable, is it?"

Evelyn smiled wistfully and shook her head.

"I understand. It took a long time to get to where you are. You can't just walk away from it all. And strong as Shauna is, she is nowhere near ready to deal with New York or L.A. on her own. Dammit!

She resumed her pacing.

"OK, here's the bad news. 'Sean' is slowly killing her. More precisely, the fallout from the shootings, plus everyone else's current perceptions of - and reactions to - 'Sean' are killing her. He and the recurring trauma he evokes are like this big weight around her neck. It is bending her over farther and farther and eventually will break her."

"What happened to her two weeks ago?

"To her? Nothing! That's the point. We have been exceedingly lucky - if you want to call it that - all of the evils that have been visited upon this child have happened to 'Sean', not 'Shauna'. He is like a big lightning rod, deflecting harm away from her - towards himself. She knows about them, and agonizes over them, but they haven't touched 'her' personally - yet."

"All right, what happened to him two weeks ago? Was he... raped?"

Claudia pursed her lips and nodded.

"Repeatedly. The rape kit wasn't able to extract any usable trace evidence because of the long delay and the shower he took. Given the number of assailants, the relatively limited extent of the trauma to the surrounding tissue suggests they at least used some kind of lubricant, possibly K-Y."

"But the librarian said everyone was gone by the time the police arrived."

"They were. They dragged him off to the locker room. Evidently, there wasn't much of a search. They took their time with him."

It was Evelyn's turn to purse her lips. She gripped the arms of her chair so tightly, her knuckles turned white. Claudia noted that - and knew what it meant from long-ago experience. She spoke her next words quietly.

"If it means anything to you, 'Sean' is accepting full responsibility for this, just as he did before. I don't think it's a Martyr Complex. I think he is... protecting 'Shauna'. He doesn't want any of this to touch her. He was almost successful. She knows about it, certainly, and it is causing her a lot of pain. To her, it's like watching her brother get beaten up for her - and there is nothing she can do about it. In another time and place, I would call 'Sean' a real stand-up guy."

Evelyn thought about that a moment, then slowly nodded her head. She eased her grip slightly.

"What does all this have to do with Sharon? Why was Shauna so terrified of her?"

The doctor stared at the floor again. She returned to her desk, sat down, and clasped her hands on the desktop before her. Knowing "Evie Rossi" as she did, she wanted that massive buffer of oak between them.

"While they were raping him, they told him Sharon wouldn't 'put out' for them. She told them to find some slut who actually liked that sort of thing. They told him they took that to mean her little gay boy brother."

Evelyn was out of the chair like a shot. Claudia reared back in her chair, expecting the worst. Instead, Evelyn wheeled on one foot and... just paced. Claudia Rafferty honestly believed if her friend had been a male, she would have put her fist through the wall.

"Those... sick... fucks!"

It took a minute for Evelyn to regain her composure. She resumed her seat, pulled it forward, and clasped her own hands on the desk. Claudia recognized the peace offering as such, breathing a quiet sigh of relief.

"Okay. How do we help Sean? Obviously, he won't ever set foot in that school again."

"That is not even an option. We don't help him. We can't. That's out of our hands now."

"What do you mean?"

Claudia leaned forward and covered Evelyn's hands with her own.

"I mean, that kid has been through a personal Hell that no one should have to experience in a dozen lifetimes, let alone seven years. Do you remember how I once described 'Shauna' as an escape route? Now, she is a lifeboat. 'Sean' is sinking. He is no longer a viable personality. Whatever he had left to give, he gave to her. If we are going to save 'Shauna', we have to cut her loose - and let 'Sean' go. We need to distance her from the past and any negative associations with it. If I had my druthers, I would blank her memory right now, move her to a new home, possibly a new city, burn every shred of boy clothing, maybe even change her name. I would rather have her struggle with who she is than who she was."

"Why the scorched earth? Couldn't we just achieve the same effect by letting her live as Shauna? Another school, certainly. Wouldn't those memories fade in time?"

The psychiatrist slowly shook her head.

"Remember I said 'Sean' was almost successful in shielding 'Shauna' from everything that happened to him? This time, something got through. There is now an indelible physical and emotional link between 'Sean' and 'Shauna'. As long as it is there, and she knows where it came from, there is a direct connection, like a doorway, to all the memories that are destroying them both."

"Can't you just suppress it through hypnotherapy?"

"I don't dare; not this one. If I do, I might damage her development as a woman. It is that powerful, that primal. The best I can do is redirect it to another perceived source; classic displacement therapy. In order to have any hope of success, we have to remove 'Sean' from the equation completely."

"What is it?"

Claudia paused for a long moment, marshalling her thoughts. Her voice barely broke the stillness.

"When 'Sean' was being raped, when all those cocks were pounding into him, one after the other, 'Shauna' liked it. Not the violence and humiliation done to her brother; the act itself. God help us; she has a taste for it now – and she knows she got it through him."

That gave Evelyn much food for thought.

The idea had actually begun tugging at the back of Evelyn's mind while waiting to return to New York to pick up Shauna. It had been tantalizing, yet unthinkable. Gradually, it beckoned like a siren's song. She jotted down some notes, then searched her personal records, made some telephone calls, pulled some strings and called in a few favors. It could be done. Then, Claudia had confirmed her worst fears. At the same time, her old friend's analysis had reinforced her own notion that the 'unthinkable' plan had suddenly become her best option. She was certainly the one who could make it happen. That realization elated her. The question was, should she?

To do the job right, she would have to indoctrinate the girl into a lifestyle she almost certainly had never imagined. Shauna had shown tantalizing little hints that she might be receptive, but Evelyn would need a whole lot more than hints and glimmers before she would be willing to commit herself - and her daughter - to the plan. The process itself would be involved, potentially dangerous, and brutally final; once begun, there would be no stopping and no turning back. Evelyn grieved at the thought of subjecting her own little girl to it. She had no doubt it would be successful - if the girl was strong enough. Claudia thought so and Evelyn fervently hoped her friend was right. Even if she was, the Shauna they had known and loved would be lost, possibly forever. Evelyn took solace in the knowledge that, if she did not do this, Shauna would certainly be destroyed completely; pummeled by her personal demons, then ground to dust under the wheels of a cold, intolerant society. Anyway, it wasn't like Evelyn hadn't done it before....

Evelyn enlisted Sharon's help. She had to have it. Although she considered them both her daughters, Sharon was Shauna's only remaining blood relative. It would be unthinkable to do this without the elder sister's tacit approval at least. It would also require Evelyn to reveal to Sharon information about herself, her life, and her work that few living people were privy to. For that, Sharon would have to be strong.

The elder sibling went through her own Hell as her stepmother detailed the plan. First, she had to endure Claudia Rafferty's assessment and revelations. Sharon didn't make it to the bathroom this time. If her stomach was not yet in enough turmoil, she next had to digest Evelyn's 'background information' - from which the concerned parent had carefully withheld any reference to the girl's own mother. The same thoughts and fears Evelyn had already faced now daunted her daughter - magnified a hundredfold by her lack of the older woman's life experience. She realized, as her stepmother had, this might be her baby sister's only chance for anything but a life of torment and misery. Sharon also knew one fact better than anyone; however this turned out, it was all the result of a little boy's total, unwavering devotion to his big sister. That thought would haunt 'Big Sister' the rest of her life. In the end, she could do no less for him - or her.

Sharon pledged her unwavering, unconditional support for the plan. She had been ready to go to college in the fall. She deferred her enrollment, electing to take a Nurse's Assistant job Evelyn had hastily arranged at the hospital, enabling the elder sister to stay home and assist Evelyn in Shauna's 'rehabilitation'. She had long since given up playing with dolls, but had never outgrown her fascination for dressing up her life-sized, living 'Barbie'. She had her misgivings about Evelyn's strategy, but would see it through for Shauna's sake. The final pieces of the puzzle were falling into place. Armed with her elder daughter's endorsement, Evelyn briefed a few key players and leveraged certain others. On the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, she played her opening gambit.

The family grilled on the patio that Friday evening. Evelyn and Sharon sat down with Shauna over bratwurst, baked beans and potato salad to discuss her accomplishments and future. Evelyn acknowledged how proud she was of her younger daughter; despite everything, the girl persevered. She expressed her deep sympathy for the young girl's torment, caught as she was in "gender limbo". They would arrange for her to make up her final exams over the summer and find a different school for her to attend in the fall. Until then, she would enjoy an extra-special "Summer Vacation". Since Shauna would be out of school and working every day at the hospital, why not spend the entire summer as a girl? Her stepmother and sister were entirely supportive and, if done correctly, she would 'pass' easily. The problem was, she would have to assume a completely different identity. No one outside the family would know who she really was; otherwise, her 'cover' would be blown and her life in Aurora would become even more of a living Hell. Shauna had no problem understanding that.