Summer and Fall

Jess rolled her eyes. "I can't believe he cornered you like that. Honey, I'm sorry."

"No -- don't be. He wasn't being obnoxious. He just -- he was just being a good dad." I said.

She took my hand as we strolled, "So what did you say your intentions were?"

"Oh, that I wanted to corrupt you with my deviant ways... something like that," I said glibly.

She smacked me on the chest. "Seriously, Alex! What did you say?"

I chuckled, "That I love you, and that this all seems like a dream sometimes it's so perfect. He backed off pretty quickly."

"Oh," she said, and was silent for a few moments.

I squeezed her hand gently, "For what it's worth, I think he pretty much gave us his blessing."

Jess looked surprised, "He's quite keen on you then! You must have been doing something right. He's been prickly about people I've dated."

"I think you've been prickly about people you dated," I ventured, "all the better for me... I might not have had a chance with you otherwise."

Jess fell silent for a while, then said, "'It seems right now that all I've ever done in my life is making my way here to you...'"

"Clint Eastwood. 'The Bridges of Madison County.'"

Jess nodded.

"I think we've been making our way to each other. I'm glad we did." I gathered her in my arms.

"Me too," she held me close. I leaned forward and kissed her.

*CLICK*

Jess broke away, "NICHOLAS. Stop being such an ARSE."

"It's a really nice photo Jess. Thought you guys would like something from this trip," Nick was smiling openly. "Come on, mum and dad headed back to the car the moment you guys started getting all gooey with each other."

"I can't wait until we're back down south by ourselves," Jess grimaced.

Nick laughed, "Me too, Jess... me too..."

I shook my head, "Sorry Nick, we really tried to be quiet."

"You were. I didn't hear anything last night -- I just like taking the piss out of her..." Nick ducked as Jess tried to take a swipe at him.

JESS

"What are you still doing on your laptop? Come to bed," I called out, as I finished the last bits of unpacking from the Lake District.

"Just taking a look at the photo your brother sent. It really is quite nice," Alex replied, "you shouldn't give him such a hard time."

I plodded out to the living room and stood behind Alex and peeked at her laptop screen. She was right, it was a beautiful picture of us.

"Alright, fine," I allowed, "it's a nice photo."

Alex leaned her head back against my body as she looked up at me, "Tell him! He would love to hear that from you."

I shrugged non-committedly.

"Well, if you won't, I will," said Alex, "You guys obviously love and support each other -- why neither of you can say so outright is beyond me. But I'm not one to talk, my siblings and I fall in and out of touch as the seasons change."

I kissed her on her head and snaked my hand under her shirt. I felt her heartbeat quicken as my hand slid lower.

"Can you compliment my brother's photography later, darling? I've been waiting a whole week to have some really loud sex with you."

"How loud, Jess?" Alex teased.

I gave her breast a squeeze, "That all depends on you..."

"You are going to give me performance anxiety," Alex protested mockingly, "but I do have some tricks up my sleeve..."

She stood up and threw me over her shoulder. I screamed in surprise.

"Put me down this instant, Alexandra!"

"Oh bite me," she grunted, "You know you want to."

Alex marched us into the bedroom and lowered me onto the bed.

I felt a now familiar rush of anticipation as Alex and I disrobed each other. Her arms, so strong and deft, enveloped me with authority. My legs were wrapped around her hips almost immediately, claiming her body as mine.

"I can't believe I have to leave Sunday," Alex murmured into my hair.

"That's just about forty eight whole hours of time for us to spend together. Alone. In private." I raised my eyebrows suggestively.

"Alone time is good," Alex swept her thumb across my lips.

"Hm... it can be very good, especially if you take your fingers... and put them right... there..."

ALEX

I woke up on Sunday with a feeling of dread. I looked over at Jess and found her awake, staring at me, camera in hand.

"Good morning," I smiled, "what's that for?"

"Come here," Jess lifted her arm.

Our heads next to each other, Jess turned the camera on and waited for the monitor to boot up. Image after image of me, sleeping. Nothing explicit, but close-ups and abstract shots that were very much in Jess's style. I felt so loved right then, but also slightly embarrassed.

"Uh... how many of these are there?"

"Do you see how beautiful you are?" Jess whispered.

I couldn't think of anything to say. All my life, I've known that I've looked very different than how people expect women to look. 'Beautiful' was never a word I associated with my appearance. By the time I got comfortable with who I was and how I presented to the world, I just pretty much abandoned any interest in conforming to the expectations that word produced. To hear Jess use that word was jarring. And pleasing.

"What is it?" She asked, her eyes lingering on a shot of my shoulder.

I looked up at her, "I would never have expected to hear anyone describe me as beautiful. But I like hearing you say it."

"Well," Jess said as she put the camera away, "I will say it more often then."

I rolled on top of her, singing, "I'm so pretty... oh so pretty... oh so pretty, and witty, and gaaaaayyyyy!"

Jess rolled her eyes, "You are completely missing the point. You are NOT a wispy delicate beauty -- that is so not interesting to me. I'm reclaiming the word beautiful for butches everywhere. You are beautiful the way a waterfall is beautiful, the way the Grand Canyon is beautiful, the way a sunset is beautiful. It's not feminine, it's not masculine, it's both -- it's defiantly both -- it just is. And when you see it, it takes your breath away."

"Jessica Wainwright, when you talk like that, you just make me want to..." I smashed my lips onto hers.

She smiled, "Now you're getting the point. No, no, don't stop...'

JESS

I was starting to despise the Terminal 3 carpark. There was nothing to recommend it. After proving that we indeed had severe time management problems, Alex and I scrambled to get her to the airport. We didn't say it out loud, but we were probably both hoping that she'd miss the plane; no such luck.

"Don't leave me," I whispered as I watched her disappear into the immigration check point.

I wandered blindly back to the car and drove home, not at all looking forward to the rest of the day. Or to the school term starting at Halsey. I couldn't bear driving home without Alex next to me; let alone the prospect of returning to a teaching schedule.

I groaned as I thought about the fact that I was having the PE department over for supper that night. I had volunteered to host, thinking that it would take my mind off Alex's departure, but all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and let sleep overwhelm how much I was already missing her.

If this is what it feels like to not see Alex for two weeks, how the hell would I cope if she disappeared from my life?

--Chapter 6: Here comes the Fall--

ALEX

September was insanely busy at work as we put the final touches on the endless UK project. We finally submitted our proposal mid-month, and spent the last week and a bit following up with the client as they went through it. Even in its most horrendous moments, I'd come to feel a certain affection for the project. Without it, after all, I wouldn't have made that trip to London in May.

Half term was coming up, and I was looking forward to Jess's visit. My last few trips to the UK were so harried we barely got to spend time together.

My phone rang and interrupted my daydreams. Mona called me into her office, telling me she had a question for me. I was intrigued, knowing that it couldn't be a normal project-related question -- Mona usually shot those out over email.

She had a big smile on her face when I walked in. I raised my eyebrows with curiosity as I settled into one of the chairs in front of her desk.

"Some very good news to start the fourth quarter, Alex: we won the UK project!" Mona beamed.

I pumped my fist, "That's awesome! Wow. Did the client just call?"

"They sent over the engagement letter early this morning. This means we'll need to have some of the team relocate to London for the duration of the project starting next month." Mona looked at me meaningfully.

I almost jumped out of my chair.

Mona smiled, "You've worked on this since we hired you -- and you've done a great job. You get first dibs on whether you want to be on the team that moves across the pond. This may be the catalyst we have been looking for to open a London branch -- obviously early days yet, but it's now a real possibility. I've already got a couple inbounds from other corporates interested in talking to us -- we might get some really interesting follow-on projects from this."

I was still trying to form words -- the excitement of winning the project was very quickly pushed aside by the unfathomable joy of being able to live in the UK with Jess.

"Why don't you go make that international call, Alex. I'll put your name on the list in the meantime." Mona winked at me.

It took all my self-control not to dance back to my desk. It wasn't until later that it dawned on me that I forgot to thank Mona for offering me the gig.

It took me three tries to punch in the right digits on my work phone -- my fingers were shaking and flying over the keypad too quickly to be precise. Jess didn't pick up -- I figured she must be teaching.

"Hey Jess, it's me," I stammered into her voicemail, "listen, we won the UK project and I can relocate to London to work on it for six months, maybe longer! Just call me back, okay? Love you!"

For good measure, I sent her a text as well: "Got some good news -- check your voicemail. AM xo"

I texted Annie as well, and her reply was immediate, "Don't leave me! I knew that Brit was going to steal you away from us!"

I grinned and wondered how I was going to be able to focus on doing any work for the rest of the day.

Word of the mandate got around the office by around 11, and everyone was in high spirits. Many colleagues came over to congratulate me on my first project. I almost didn't notice that I hadn't heard from Jess until I got up to go for lunch.

I checked my phone -- no messages from her and no missed calls. The only thing from Jess that day was the customary good morning text she sent me almost every day before I woke up. I tried her again. This time, her phone was off; her voicemail greeting immediately started playing.

I left her another message, "hey there -- me again -- you phone must have run out of juice or something. Call me when you get that other voicemail. Love you!"

When I still hadn't heard from her after lunch, I realised that perhaps my good news did not land the way I thought it would.

NICK

Jess's phone buzzed again. I could see it was Alex calling.

"Jess, it's Alex calling." I held out the phone.

Jess was face down on her couch, immobile. I was staying over at Jess's for the weekend: my roommate's girlfriend was visiting from Spain and I was happy to cede our flat to them. When I arrived at Jess's place she was in a foul mood.

After some prodding, Jess shared some details: Alex's job was bringing her to the UK for the short to medium term. I thought it was good news, but Jess was having an absolute cow over it.

"Jess, if you're not going to pick up, I will."

Taking her lack of response as consent, I grabbed the phone, "Hey Alex, it's Nick."

"Is Jess freaking out?" Alex didn't even bother asking why I was the one who answered.

Jess peeked out from under her hair. I ignored her.

"If ignoring your calls and lying face down on the couch like a drunken sloth counts, then yes, she is." I said dispassionately, "what the hell is going on?"

Alex sighed, "We won the big UK project -- the one I've been working on since May -- and I'll be moving to London to work on it in the next month or so. I left a message for Jess about it. That's when she stopped taking my calls."

"Oh." I said. I glared at Jess, who hid her face again.

"Yeah," said Alex. "Look, just tell her I'm not going to push her to talk to me. She knows how to reach me."

"Ok," I said.

"Nick, I know why she's freaking out. But I can't help if she won't talk to me. I'm just going to assume that she won't be flying over for half term, okay? I mean, I'd love for her to come visit, but I don't want to make it worse. She can call me when she's ready. The team will be moving over to London to start work some time in November, that's about all I know."

Alex said all this very quickly, as if she'd rehearsed it and wanted to say it without meeting a lot of objections.

"I'll let her know, Alex. Sorry, mate." I heard Alex drop the call and turned to face my sister.

"What did she say?" Jess mumbled after a while.

"She said you are an imbecile of the highest order."

Jess stared at me.

"Ok, fine. She didn't say that. She said that you know how to reach her, that she won't bother you anymore, but you can reach out any time you want." I spun her phone around on the table as I said it, and noticed that Jess was using the photo I took of them as her phone's wallpaper.

"Did she sound mad?" Jess asked, still prone on the couch.

"She sounded hurt, Jess. Why are you being such a horses's arse?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Jess said.

"I think you are being ridiculous."

Jess switched the telly on.

"You know I'm still sitting here, right? Switching that thing on doesn't make me disappear."

Jess stared at the TV, glassy-eyed.

I put a hand on her arm, "Don't crap all over this, sis. At least, not until you have given it a real go." I held up her phone, "just call Alex. You guys are good together. Don't leave her hanging."

Jess stared at me for a moment, took the phone, slouched into her room, and slammed the door behind her.

ANNIE

After Alex finished with Nick, I managed to talk her into going out for brunch instead of moping around at home. She was in the shower when her phone rang. It was Jess. Without thinking, I picked up the call.

"Hello?" I said, trying not to sound homicidal.

There was silence for a moment, before Jess said, "Uh, who's this?"

"It's Annie. Alex is in the shower," I spat out.

"Oh. Um. Can you let her know I called?"

I rolled my eyes involuntarily, "Why? You've been ignoring her all week. I don't know what you are planning on doing, but just know that what you are currently doing -- or not doing -- is crushing her."

Jess paused for a moment, then said bitingly, "Thanks for playing the loyal Rottweiler, Annie, but this is between Alex and me. I'll give Alex a ring later."

ROTTWEILER?? DID SHE JUST CALL ME A BITCH? "Thanks but no thanks for the Rottweiler reference, Jess. And from where I stand, there's nothing going on right now between Alex and you. And that's fucked up. She deserves so much better than that. So don't call again unless you have something useful to say."

I hung up, fuming.

Looking up, I saw Alex staring at me with her mouth open.

"That was Jess. I gave her a piece of my mind."

Alex furrowed her brow, "Yes, I heard."

My bravado evaporated. "She's being so selfish. And she's making you feel terrible..."

"She's working through a lot of bad history. Cut her some slack, Annie. I should call her back." Alex said quietly.

I shook my head, "No -- she has to do the work here. Not you."

Alex reached for her phone. I stuffed it in my pocket. "I don't get it. You are just going to let her keep you dangling while she sorts her shit out? It's not a relationship if she goes AWOL every time she has a flashback."

Alex sighed, "That's not fair -- you've seen us together the past five months -- it hasn't been like that. She just needs some space."

"You don't have to be so noble, Alex. Sometimes, you can't fix everything. I mean, I know this is the woman you've been pining for since dinosaurs roamed the earth, but she's being really awful to you right now. Can you acknowledge that at least? Walk away, before she totally stomps all over your heart."

"I am not walking away, Annie. She'll come around. I know she will."

I made one last attempt, "How do you know that? Al, it's fine to be in love and selfless when the other person feels and acts the same way. But it's not fine when the other person gets to disappear without regard to how you feel about it. Remember Olivia?"

Alex's eyes flashed with anger for a second, "Yes. I remember what happened with Olivia. I also know the difference between her and Jess, Annie. Stop with the preaching, ok?"

I nodded and gave her a hug, "Just promise me you'll make her earn it if and when she eventually tries to make it up to you."

I knew it wasn't fair of me to bring up the past. Olivia and Jess were worlds apart. But Alex hung in for too long with Olivia -- even when it was clear Olivia was using her for some manipulative mind-games with Amy. But I wasn't going to let Jess get away with thinking she could walk all over my best friend.

ALEX

As I sat at the table with half a dozen other friends later that morning, I tried to keep Jess out of my mind. It wasn't working. I was doing my best to not go down the rabbit hole of what-ifs. I wondered if I should be fighting harder for this to work. Jess and I have had a small number of arguments, and if those were any precedent, harping on the issue was not going to help. When Jess needed her space, she needed it.

A piece of bread hit me in the face.

Jo grinned, "Hey, Mak, stop daydreaming about your lady love and tell us about this big deal you guys just won at work."

Only Annie knew about Jess's temporary departure from radar contact, and the look on her face was enough to tell me that she was ready to broadcast Jess's transgressions at the slightest provocation.

I shrugged, "We pitched a strategic re-org to this big corporate client in London -- one spin-off, one sale, massive share repo for the parent-co. They picked us to execute, so we are going to be there to get it started. It'll be at least six months, very likely more."

"Wow, congrats, Alex. That's a really great result. I know you were working crazy hours ahead of the pitch. Glad it worked out. Jess must be psyched, huh?" Michelle high-fived me.

I nodded, watching Annie's eyebrows almost reach the top of her head.

"Can we come visit?" Jo asked, "wait, where will you live? With Jess?"

"Oh -- my cousin Terry has a flat in London. I'm going to sublet it from him -- it's closer to work." A clumsy dodge, but it worked, "And yes, you can come visit. The exchange rate sucks right now though, so get ready to exist on baked beans and toast."

"Oh good! I can go stalk Prince Harry." Ian wiggled his fingers together with glee.

I grunted derisively, "Ian, you are probably on James Bond's kill-on-sight list from the last time you tried to scale the palace gates."

As everyone clamoured for Ian to retell the story, I was grateful for the diversion away from talking about my move to the UK. I knew that there was a possibility that I could arrive in London without Jess being in my life, which would be gutting. I was already walking around, half-mad with longing. So I just couldn't let her go. Not yet, anyway.

JESS

I knew I was screwing things up. Alex, true to her word, gave me my space. I wondered if I would have felt better if she kept hounding me.