Sunday Love Songs 02

"Kevin, Li'l bro, you've got to see her. One way or another you've got to settle her. She's a mess now, and I know she wants you. Please, Kev, see her."

"Lory, she says one thing and does the opposite."

"Look! She was in tears, shaking, despairing. You think she'd be thinking of making things up? Get real, Kevin!"

My sister was now shouting at me, and very angry.

With that certain now well known sinking feeling, I gave in. It was something I did often to my little sister.

"OK, OK!" I said.

She smiled, its smugness almost sickening. "Tomorrow, midday, Dog and Partridge."

She had already organised it. I turned away from her with a groan, and put out the light. I heard her laughing as she left the room, and almost immediately it was Christmas Eve morning.

-------

After breakfast we all set to to clean the house ready for the feast day, and after coffee I made to leave. Lorraine joined me.

"I'm coming too," she said. "I'll disappear if you need me to. Moral support."

We walked; it was not far.

We entered the pub, which was not very crowded even though it was lunchtime. We looked round and found her. She saw us and gave a half wave and a half smile. She looked uncomfortable and uncertain. We went to her table and before either of us could speak Lorraine busied herself asking what we were drinking, and then departed bar-wards.

"Hello, Nicola," I said and I smiled. She looked tired and beaten, but very beautiful.

"Hi, Kevin."

She patted the bench next to her, but I sat in a chair at right angles to her, and turned to face her.

Silence. I studied her. Once again I was captivated by those blue, blue eyes, lustrous hair piled on the top of her head, showing that slender neck to best advantage. She had shed her coat and had a tight sweater which outlined her perfect breasts, rounded in what I supposed was a tee shirt bra. What she saw in me, I don't know, but she sat still and gazed at me as I did at her.

Then she spoke.

"You didn't answer my letter, Kevin."

"It was a lovely letter. You really opened yourself up to me, and I was very touched by your expression of love. But, you know, if you want an answer, you really need to put your address at the top of the letter -- or indeed anywhere."

I smiled again; I could do no other after the memory of her words in that missive.

She on the other hand, put a hand to her mouth. There was no ring on her finger.

"Oh what a fool I am! Lorraine told me about mother's lie to you. If you'd known, we could be..."

"And instead you're engaged to Barry."

"I can't go through with that. Seeing you had made me realise agreeing to marry him was a dreadful mistake. I'm grateful to him, he's been good to me over the months. When you didn't answer my letter, I lost it really and agreed, but it will never work now I know you tried to find me."

Lorraine arrived with the drinks. She saw a friend and left us to talk to her.

"You've lost weight," I said, and let the statement lie.

"Yes, these last months... I suppose you could say I've been sad."

"Because of me?"

"Yes, and my own stupidity."

"Nicky," I said earnestly, "You must stop beating yourself up over this. Look. We are here, in a pub, together. First time we've even seen each other (apart from last night) since you came for that weekend. We can talk about how we feel now -- Lorraine told me all about our misunderstandings last night -- so we can leave all that out."

"I don't know about that," she said, and a frown creased her forehead. "Perhaps later..."

She sighed.

"Kevin," she said, "I sort of laid my heart on my sleeve to you in my letter; you know how I feel about you. I do want you. I do love you, but I don't know how you feel about me. I thought you had written me off, but all those misunderstandings... Now I don't know where I stand with you."

"Before we get into my feelings for you," I began, "I don't understand how you can love me so much. We were friends in school. Then there was that 'deflowering' weekend and after that I cut you off completely.

"Ten years pass and you get in touch, we have one weekend and then again we are cut off from each other. How can you say you love me so much, that I'm the only one for you? It can't be one weekend of sex when we were eighteen. It would be nice to have delusions of my sexual prowess, but I know I'm not that good! If all you're looking for is a sexual experience like your first, you're bound to be disappointed."

"You're wrong about some things and right about others," she stated. "I've had plenty of time to think about this. It did start with our walks to school. We were friends first and foremost. Nobody listened to me like you did. The other boys were always looking at my boobs or my bum or my legs, you looked into my eyes..."

"You do know how arresting your eyes are?" I grinned.

She sighed in annoyance, "Yes, yes, If I had ten pounds for every man who told me... "

She collected herself and continued, "You looked into my eyes when we talked. You've no idea how many men look anywhere but at you when they're talking to you! They look out of the window, at the wall, at my tits, never making eye contact. You did, and it showed you really listened. I know I must have rabbited on about all sorts of girly things. I remember when I thought I was failing in maths, you buoyed me up and you were the class maths master. At the time I took you for granted, you were a fixture in my life. I felt secure with you.

"Kevin, I've thought about that weekend in High School a lot -- the one where you made me a woman and I finished us as a couple. What made the experience different that first time wasn't the sex, or the novelty, it was our relationship as friends. I think we could agree that you loved me as a friend. No, you loved me full stop; you didn't use me. I missed you so much afterwards, and I knew it was my own fault.

"It came home to me at your place last May. We hadn't seen each other for ten years and yet I felt completely relaxed with you, as if we'd aways been close instead of cut off. I felt safe, secure, and I think I knew then I could live with you for ever. Perhaps I've said too much but there it is."

She put her hands on mine on the table with a satisfied look on her face.

"Your turn," she said with a loving smile.

It was at that moment that 'my turn' evaporated. There was an exclamation behind me.

"What the fuck?" then Barry was by my side. "Take your fucking hands off my fiancée!"

His voice was menacing, but Nicola was smiling.

"You're not very observant, Barry," she said. "I've got my hands on his, not the other way round. I see you've brought our friends. Please everyone, sit down."

'Everyone' was Lee and Julie, and Craig and Viccy. It seemed that Lee the Neanderthal had become Homo Sapiens in the intervening years!

"What's going on, Nick?" Barry asked, quite aggressively, as pushed past me and sat next to her, between her and me. "Your mother said you were meeting someone in a pub, but she didn't know who. I've been bothered and we've been looking all over. I thought you were seeing Clive, but why him?" he said this nodding at me.

"Hello Barry," I said. He ignored me. Nicola's face clouded at the insult but she said nothing.

"Well," continued Barry. "Why are you sitting in a pub with this loser?"

She said nothing, her anger showing. Barry looked confused, then he turned to me.

"OK, wimp," he snarled. "I don't like other men coming onto my fiancée. Get that? So why don't you leave?"

"If he leaves," Nicola said quietly, "I leave with him."

"The hell you will, you belong to me now girl."

"How are you going to stop me, Barry? Force? I don't think so. If you must know, I invited him here to talk with him. We're only half way though our talk, so if he leaves, I leave."

"But," asked a puzzled Barry, "what d'you want to talk with him for? He's a nothing, a pen pushing geek!" He smiled at the group in his superiority.

He leaned back on the bench seat. "Hey Connors, how's things in accountancy? Still a pen pusher?"

"Barry," I smiled back, "we office types stopped pushing pens a long time ago. We have clever machines called 'computers' now you know, and we have a habit of doing rather well in the big world. Now I believe you are a builder. How's business?"

He scowled at that.

"Oh, not too good, eh?" I said seriously. "The banks aren't lending are they? Puts you in a bit of a bind? Cash flow? If you need a bit of financial assistance, I may be able to help; keep the wolves from your door. But I'm off the point, I rather think Nicola would like to finish our discussion in private."

Nicola made to speak, but Barry was in full flow.

"Well, sorry about that, squire, but if you've got anything to say, she's here and we're along for the ride. Got to keep an eye on my fiancée, you know." Another grin and a wink at his friends.

"Barry," Nicola said, getting a word in edgeways at last. "I wanted to see Kevin about a private matter, by myself. I came here by myself and you've barged in. The person I want to talk with is Kevin, alone."

"Go ahead!" he said. "but we'll listen."

Nicola looked at me with despair in her eyes. She shrugged. "What d'you think Kevin?"

"Well," I said with a naughty smile, "it could be very embarrassing for Barry, especially with his friends here."

"Nothing you could say will embarrass me," laughed Barry, but the friends looked uncomfortable, the girls especially. While at school I had bedded both of them (separately).

Things were moving rather too fast for much reflective thought, but something in me relished the idea of bringing Barry down. He'd trodden on me all through school, now I was physically fitter, taller and financially in a stronger position. Nicola had all but committed herself to me, and looking at her and her discomfort, I wanted her. Perhaps it was ignoble, but I wanted to take her away from Barry publicly. A plan formed.

"OK Nicola," I said, "where were we?"

She smiled as if she knew my intention, but it seemed she wanted to give Barry one more chance; after all, as she had told me, he had been good to her.

"Barry," she said, "I don't think you want to hear this. I'm urging you to leave and see me later, and I think Kevin agrees."

I nodded, "I'd much prefer that."

Barry made a mistake. He thought we didn't want him to hear what we said, whereas we didn't want to humiliate him, at least Nicola didn't.

Lee had got a round in, and I appreciated that he bought me another pint as well and thanked him. He smiled at me, as did Julie.

"I think I'd finished my side of the conversation," Nicola said to me. "I think I said it was your turn when Barry arrived."

"OK," I said.

Now I was on the spot, with an audience, and I didn't really have a plan. Perhaps, looking back on it, it was for the best that I didn't.

"Nicola," I began, "I don't really know what to say. First, you're wrong about me being different from the other lads, at least as far as lust was concerned. I lusted after you like all the rest. I lusted after your body and your achingly pretty face and those eyes just like everyone else!"

She looked amazed. "Really?"

I nodded, Barry snorted scornfully. The others smiled. I continued.

"Why did I listen so carefully? I was a nerd, a geek, and you were out of my class, so I grabbed at the chance to be with you. If I couldn't date you, I'd be content with walking you to school. My attention to you was selfish really."

"You're right about her being out of your class," Barry said with relish.

"Barry!" Nicola snapped. "Shut up. You interrupt again and I'm out of here. Get that?"

He looked surprised; I think he thought she would react to my statement as he did.

"I think you do yourself down, you weren't selfish at all. You listened and listened. You could have dated me, you know." she said to me, shaking her head.

"No I couldn't," I retorted. "You're forgetting the pecking order, the tribal system in school. And there was a class difference. You might remember I came to your house a couple of times. Your parents made it clear I was way below you and not welcome, and you showed no interest in me visiting you there. I was firmly restricted to walking to school. Hell, Nicky! You had nothing to do with me in school. You would have been a laughing stock hanging with the nerds. Right?"

She thought for a moment, grimaced and nodded her head.

"You're right," she said. "I never thought about it, but that's the way it was."

"In spite of that, I was loving you when I took your cherry," I said. "I wanted--"

"Wait a minute," Barry interrupted again, "you took her cherry? Don't make me laugh! You never got near her!"

He glanced at Nicola, "I took your cherry. I remember."

Nicola made to get up, but I shook my head and she sat down again.

"No, Barry," she said patiently, "you only thought you did. You assumed it, but Kevin was my first."

He gaped. "Him? But you were tight, He isn't that big! Pencil dick, that's our Kevin! I've seen his little willy."

He giggled and looked at his friends. The girls had been grinning; he misunderstood.

Julie snorted with laughter at that.

"Grow up, Barry," she said, "It's an old saying but it's true, it's not the size, it's what you do with it; and believe me, Kevin knew exactly what to do with it."

Lee looked surprised.

"And he's actually bigger than you," murmured Viccy, almost to herself. It was Craig's turn to be surprised.

"You mean?" Craig asked.

"You jocks weren't all that that observant," Julie piped up. "Too full of yourselves and too obsessed with football. After word got about among the girls that Kevin was good, and -- substantial -- most of the girls in our group had a fling with him. We had to keep it quiet because he wasn't in our set, but believe me, he certainly was good. He knew more about how to please a girl than any of your lot, Barry. Thankfully most of you have learned a bit since then."

Silence fell and I felt smug, or was it conceited? Barry shook his head.

"After that weekend," I continued, "you went to Barry and apart from the prom, we were apart. Then we left school and ten years passed. I did think about you from time to time, but it was more like wondering what you'd been doing -- a passing thought."

"But our weekend in May?" she asked.

"Good," I said. "Very relaxed. It was as if we'd never been apart."

"Hang on," interrupted Barry again. "You two were fucking last May?"

"No!" we both said together, and laughed. Barry's confusion seemed to be deepening. Not our problem.

"You want to know how I feel about you," I plodded on, rather embarrassed as it happened; I didn't want this audience.

"How do I feel about you? Well, all the women I know tell me I'm in love with you. They cite the strength of my feelings when you did the unexpected. I've thought about that and they're right about the feelings. I was angry and jealous in school when you went from me to Barry--"

Barry let out a chuckle, and Nicola pounced.

"You lasted one time, Barry," she snorted. "You didn't match up to what Kevin gave me. Not even close!"

He subsided with a frown. His face reddened.

I went on. "I was very angry when I thought you were still with Terry, and had lied to me, but you know that; my e-mail didn't leave a lot to the imagination. When you ran home, I was angry, disappointed and then worried sick about you. When the letter arrived I was angry again that you were pleading your love for me and letting me go. You were a puzzle and it was frustrating not knowing where you were.

"That's why they're telling me I'm in love with you, so perhaps I am, but it doesn't feel like being in love. Mind you, I don't think I would know anyway! I do know that there's hardly a day gone by since that May weekend when I haven't thought about you and wondered and worried how you were, what you were doing and where you were."

She smiled, but Barry cut in again.

"Very touching," he said, "but you don't need to worry any more, 'cos she's with me now." He looked smug, but it did not last long.

I ignored him, for I was now concentrating on Nicola. I knew for certain she wanted me, and now I really wanted her. I knew we needed more time together, to see where our relationship might go. I knew it would have to be with me in my home, since she was living with her parents and had nowhere else to go. However there was a lurking worry that once again what she would agree to do in practice, would be at variance with what she had told me.

Time to test her.

"Nicola," I said, "I would like to invite you to come and live with me at my place for as long as it takes to see if we have a future together."

Her face lit up in a wide smile, and a tear began to form in her eyes, but before she could answer, Barry jumped to his feet and since I was sitting, he towered over me, his face suffused with anger and his paunch in my face.

"You fucking little bastard," he was shouting and attracting attention from the other patrons. "What part of 'Nicola is engaged to me' don't you understand? She's with me! So why don't you just fuck off and crawl back up your own arsehole!"

I didn't react. I waited, looking at Nicola. She looked into my eyes and I could see her sadness.

Fuck! I thought. She's going to go with Barry. Here we go again. Say one thing, do another.

I think she saw my thought outlined on my face. She shook her head and gave me a half smile. With a heavy heart I waited for the blow to fall.

"Barry," she said.

He turned to her, "What?"

"Sit down, Barry."

He looked puzzled, hesitated and then sat back down.

She took his hand. "You remember what I said when I accepted your proposal of marriage?"

"Yeah," he said, "something about a true love?"

"I said there was one man I loved totally and I would give myself to him if only he let me, that he hadn't shown any interest in me, but if he did-- "

"Yes, yes, you said you'd have to go with him," said Barry, "but he hasn't appeared, has he?"

"I'm afraid he has. I'm sorry."

"Not him!" Barry said, looking at me as if I was a repulsive specimen of pond life. "But you said he didn't show any interest in you. He doesn't love you, Nicola. Where's he been all these months you've been with me?"

"You really don't listen, do you, Barry? You never have. I got in touch with him last May, he welcomed me. He treated me as his friend, as he did in school. Then I let him down badly, and he rejected me -- rightly. I knew I'd lost him and was very depressed. My flatmate Sarah told him and he immediately came running to see me, but I was too ashamed to face him and ran back home.

"I thought he was ignoring me because he didn't come after me, but he did try. My mother lied to him; she told him I wasn't here. Then I wrote him a letter and forgot to put my address on it.

"It wasn't that he wasn't interested, he just didn't know where I was. It was all my fault. In spite of all I've put him through he still wants to give me a chance. I can't explain about my feelings for him, because you wouldn't understand. For him I'm a person first and a body second. Like most men you don't understand that having good looks can be a real curse.

"So, Barry," she said sadly, "I have to give you this ring back. I'm going with Kevin."

I don't know which of Barry or me was the more surprised, but I do know our feelings were opposite. I almost felt sorry for the man. It was a very public rebuttal.

"You could have told me in private," he said sullenly, defeated.

"I did try to make you leave us. You insisted on staying," she said with a good deal of compassion. "You are a good man, Barry, but I don't love you like I love this man. I'm sorry."