Suspicion: Healing

This story is in response to the original author's, whiteone_redone, invitation to write our own version of chapter 2, which deals with the actions of the characters after Paul has discovered his wife is having an affair and she has confessed that she is in love with her lover. Whiteone_redone wrote his version, of course, and I urge you to read his story, if you have not already. What prompted me to write this is another author's response to the challenge.

That story, "Suspicion - The Aftermath by thecelt", was a different take on the facts and presented from the point of view of Kathy, the wife. I also urge you to read that version. It is, as are all of thecelt's stories, very well written. It also, like most of his stories, presents a "happy ending". I don't have problems with a happy ending when it is deserved but I can't accept a reconciliation at all costs either. So, here is my version based on facts from chapter 1 of the original story and my own assumptions and biases. I hope you enjoy it. Please let me know either way.

Suspicion: Healing

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From "Suspicion" Chapter 1:

"What's his name? Are you in love with him?" My voice was calm. No anger or accusing tone of voice.

Kathy looked at me as tears welled up in her eyes. "His name is Karl Gerring. And yes, I am in love with him."

**********

I couldn't believe my ears. My wife of sixteen years had just told me she was having an affair and was IN LOVE with the man! I sat there for I don't know how long, staring off into space, trying to get my head around what I had just been told. Except for the two clues that had started my suspicion of her fidelity I'd thought we had a great marriage. We seemed to be deeply in love, we had two great kids and a pretty decent love life, if I do say so myself. Was it something I had done that drove her into another man's arms? No, I didn't believe that. I didn't work all kinds of hours and neglect her. I never traveled, I didn't even work overtime very much. I pulled my weight around the house. We both worked full-time so we shared household chores, those that we didn't assign to the kids, of course.

We talked openly about things that concerned us and we worked to solve anything that came up to our mutual satisfaction. For that matter I couldn't think of when she'd have time to have an affair given she was home every night and weekends as well for the most part. Given the information I got from Nancy it would seem she was taking time away from work to meet this guy but since she has meetings with contractors she could probably cover herself with her boss.

I looked up and saw Kathy still sitting at the table, hugging herself and sobbing softly. It hurt me to see her crying like this but I couldn't make myself provide my usual comfort in her time of need. I couldn't bring myself to tell her everything would be all right when she'd just told me she was in love with another man.

"How long?"

Kathy raised her head but could not look me in the eyes. "What did you say?"

I raised my voice and I know there was some anger there but I really didn't care at the moment. "I said, how long?"

She paused and drew in a great shuddering breath, "Six months."

Six months! My wife, the love of my life had been cheating on me for six months! How could she fall in love with the guy in that amount of time? It took her over a year before she told me she loved me! God, how could I be so stupid? Six months! I thought back over the last six months, trying to remember if I might have missed something that should have made me suspicious. I couldn't think of a damned thing, boy was she good! At no time during the past six months had she treated me or the kids any differently than she ever had. Kathy was the same loving wife and mother she'd always been, there had been NO changes in her behavior. She has talents I'm not aware of if she can act like this and still have a lover and fall in love with him. 'Maybe she should quit her job and move to Hollywood,' I thought sarcastically.

It was time to ask more questions, questions I didn't want to ask, and certainly questions I didn't really want the answers to.

"Is it over, Kathy?"

"Paul, you know I love you--"

I interrupted her. "Is it over!"

"No, it's not over. I love him, Paul."

"You love him and it's not over. I guess that tells me everything I need to know." I stood up from the table and started to make my way out of the kitchen.

"Where are you going?"

"Me, I'm not going anywhere, you are."

"I'm not going anywhere, Paul. What are you talking about?"

"Kathy, let's be realistic here. You've just confirmed what I already knew, that you were having an affair. You've also just told me that you are in love with this man. On top of that, you've just told me that it's not over, that you still plan to see him. I don't see where that leaves us many options, do you?" I looked at her and saw a woman who looked familiar to me but was really a stranger.

"Of course we have options, Paul. We have to talk about this."

"No, Kathy, we don't have to talk about this, at least not right now. I'm very angry and also very shocked by what has happened here tonight and I know that nothing good could come of any discussion we might have here tonight. That means that we need to put some space between us for a while until we can both discuss this rationally." I looked down at my feet, sighed heavily, and continued. "Since you are the cheater and have dishonored me and our marriage I think it is only fair that you leave the house."

I waited for a response that didn't come. The only reaction I got from Kathy was more crying as she flopped her arms on the table and buried her head in them. I stood there watching her sob uncontrollably for a while before I spoke.

"Kathy, where are the children?"

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, grabbed a tissue from her pocket and blew her nose. "They are at your mom and dad's. Did you forget they were taking them for the weekend? They picked them up from Todd and Evelyn's this afternoon."

"That's right, I did forget. I guess this works out for you then."

"What do you mean?"

"You can spend the weekend at Evelyn's and not have to upset the kids."

"Why would I be going to Evelyn's?"

"Weren't you listening, Kathy? We need time to calm down from everything that has happened today and we can't do that living under the same roof. Since you are the guilty party I feel it is only fair that you leave, immediately!"

"Paul, please, can't we talk this over?"

"Kathy, I'm going out for a couple of hours, when I return I had better not find you here. If you are here when I return I will happily toss your ass out the front door with nothing but the clothes on your back. It's up to you, Kathy, spend the weekend at your sister's or spend it on the front lawn, I don't care either way!" With that I turned on my heel and left the house, the sounds of Kathy's sobs echoing in my ears.

*****

I knew I was in no mood to drive anywhere, I was too pissed off to see straight so I decided to walk to a bar a couple of miles or so down the road. Given my attitude this was probably the safest choice since I wouldn't have to try driving home if I had a few too many, which looked like a distinct possibility. If it turned out I got too drunk to walk back I could always call a cab.

I soon sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. There was a ball game on the TV but I wasn't really watching it. For a Saturday it was pretty quiet, but it was still early, I supposed it would get busier later. The beer was good, cold and wet, which is what I needed right now. Despite my inclination to get blasted and forget this whole mess I sipped my beer and pondered my situation.

My marriage had turned from the greatest thing in my life to crap in the space of a few minutes. Despite the suspicions I had hoped I was wrong, or at least that the affair was over and she'd forgotten the clothes in the trunk were there. Never in my wildest nightmares did I think the affair was ongoing and that she didn't want to stop! What did this guy have that I didn't? What could he do for her to make her fall in love with him so that she'd have to tell me she still wanted to see him! What would I do without her in my life? What about the kids! Geez, this was a mess that grew worse every second!

What am I going to do? I still love her but can I accept her continuing with this affair? That was probably the only easy question to answer in this whole fiasco my life had become. NO, I can not accept her continuing to see this guy, what was his name, Karl, yeah that's it, Karl. No way am I going to accept that she can continue with this affair and still share my bed. I am a one woman man and I will share my wife with no one, that was non-negotiable. No matter how much I love her I can't share her. I can't have her in my bed knowing she was with her lover that day or wondering if she's thinking about him when she's with me. I'm not one of those guys that gets off about thinking of his wife with another man. I'm not jealous, nor am I possessive, but I'm also not into this open-marriage crap. Nope, there won't be any sharing of Kathy in my future.

With that decided now came the harder questions. If she decides to stay with me can I forgive her? I thought back over my life with Kathy from the time I met her until I found those clothes this afternoon and found that I really wanted to keep that life. I had everything I wanted and I really think I can forgive her enough to where we can get counseling to get us over this mistake she made and we can move on with our life. I know she loves me, she really isn't that good of an actress, and I know she loves the kids, as do I. Do I want to throw away sixteen great years over a mistake, even one as serious as this? No, I really didn't. Was I pissed at her for doing this to us, to our marriage, you betcha! Was I going to let her know exactly how I felt about this when we did talk? You're damned right I was. Would I forgive her as long as she agreed to end the affair and never see Karl again? Yes, I would. This was just a rough patch in an otherwise great marriage and we could get past this, with a lot of work on both our parts, of course.

I had to find out why she did this and why she fell in love with this guy. That is the one thing that didn't make any sense to me. How could she tell me, with a straight face, that she loves Karl and that she loves me as well and seem to mean it? I couldn't detect any lessening of her love for me despite how much I searched my memory for it. Right up to the time she told me she loved another man her love for me showed in her eyes as strong as it always had. Could she really love us both? I don't see how but I'm not a woman so I have no way of know what is possible when it comes to her.

I signaled the bartender to bring me another beer and checked my watch, it had only been half an hour since I sat down and an hour since I left the house. I had enough time for another beer then I needed to get out of here. I truly hoped she wouldn't be there when I got home because I didn't want to fight any more. I wanted to go home and have a few more drinks then go to bed and try to sleep. I didn't want to throw her out the door but I would if I had to and she knows I meant it. She won't be there, I was sure of it, or at least as sure as I could be about anything, which wasn't very sure at all.

*****

The house was dark when I walked up to the front door, which was a good thing. I really didn't want a confrontation now, not when both our feelings were still so raw. I unlocked the front door, entered, locked it behind me and walked into the living room. Nothing had changed, physically, while I had been gone but the room, and the house, had changed. What was once a happy, loving home was now an empty cold house with nothing but memories to keep me company. I glanced at the answering machine; there were five messages on it, none of which I was motivated to listen to. I didn't bother to turn on the lights since the darkness suited my mood, besides there was enough light filtering in from outside that I could make out the furniture and not trip over anything.

I made my way to the liquor cabinet and pulled out my bottle of Jack Daniels and a glass. I walked over to my favorite chair, plopped into it, and poured three fingers of good whiskey and sipped it. It burned my throat but in a good way, you know? It settled into my stomach where it tried to melt the ice ball that had formed in my belly. It failed. I decided to send that first sip some help and finished the glass in one gulp. No change. Well, this called for serious measures so I poured the glass full and downed it in three swallows. My stomach felt warmer but I wasn't feeling any better. I poured one more full glass and settled back in my chair, sipped my drink and somewhere during that glass I lost consciousness.

*****

The sun streaming in the windows hit me in the face, rousing me from my slumber. God, what had happened to me? My head felt like a herd of elephants were tap dancing on it and my mouth tasted like they had walked across my tongue! I tried to open my eyes but gave up because it hurt too much. I moved my arm, or at least I tried to, but it was hanging at my side so numb I couldn't feel it. I looked around the room and realized I had fallen asleep in the chair where I had parked myself when I'd got home last night. It had been years since I'd slept all night in a chair and now I remembered why that was so. Every muscle in my body hurt! Forty year old guys aren't supposed to sleep in chairs and my body was going to make sure I knew that so I wouldn't do it again.

After three tries I was finally able to get my legs under me enough to be able to stand, which was also an adventure since my knees didn't want to support me and my head threatened to fall off my shoulders. I don't know how I did it but I managed to stagger into the kitchen, found the coffee and put some into the coffee maker. Filling the pot was a bit more difficult since my hands shook so bad I spilled half the water into the sink the first time but soon the coffee maker was brewing away with the liquid of life I needed right then. I pulled a chair over by the counter and sat down heavily. I think I must have dozed off because the coffee was done when I next raised my head. I was lucky there was a mug on the counter since I couldn't remember where we kept them at the moment.

Picking up the pot I laid the lip against the mug much like a blind man would and poured carefully. Even so I still burned my fingers since my hands still wouldn't stop shaking. Grabbing the mug with both hands I carefully sipped the hot liquid and felt my body relax just a bit. Three cups of coffee later I felt reasonably human so I set the mug down and made my way to the bathroom for a shower.

I stripped off my clothes along the way and was in my underwear by the time I hit the bathroom. I adjusted the water to just below scalding, stripped off my shorts and t-shirt and climbed under the water, letting it hit my head and run down my body. A few minutes of that and I picked up the soap and started to wash. As I got cleaner and the water worked the kinks out of my muscles I felt better, probably as good as it was going to get so I shut the water off and dried myself. Wrapping the towel around my waist I walked over to the sink to shave.

I looked into the mirror and didn't recognize the man who looked back at me. Who was that old man? This guy had dark circles under his eyes and a dead look in his eyes. Was this me? I shook my head to clear my eyes and plugged my razor in and ran it over my face. After combing my hair I made my way to the bedroom, dressed quickly and went back downstairs.

The blinking light on the answering machine caught my attention and as much as I didn't want to, I pressed play.

"Paul, are you there? Pick up this phone you son of a bitch! How dare you throw my sister out of her house!" The call ended as abruptly as it started but that wasn't the last message from Evelyn on the machine. All five of them were from her, with ever escalating levels of anger at me and her calling into question my parentage. The last message ended with her telling me she'd see me in the morning! Oh joy! I didn't want to talk to Kathy and I sure didn't want to argue with Evelyn. I looked at my watch and saw it was only 7:30. I didn't think she could get over here this early so I made up my mind to go out for breakfast and then stay away the rest of the day. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and my intention to avoid Evelyn didn't work out. As I was looking for my keys the pounding started on the door.

"Paul, you open this door right now! I'm not going away until you talk to me and I'm sure you don't want me to wake up your neighbors!"

I walked over and opened the door between bangs and she nearly hit me in the chest with her fist. "Good morning, Evelyn, care to come in?" I turned and headed for the kitchen not even waiting for an answer. She stalked into the kitchen just as I was getting another mug from the cabinet. "Care for some coffee?" I said as pleasantly as was possible, given the circumstances.

Some of the anger left her as she settled into the chair. "Coffee would be good, cream and sugar, please."

I set the mug in front of her and then got a carton of cream from the fridge and the sugar from the counter, set them in front of her and sat down, waiting while she fixed her coffee. She took a sip and started in. "OK, Paul, why did you throw Kathy out?"

"She didn't tell you?"

"No, all she did was cry and say how sorry she was and that she didn't want to lose you. I couldn't get anything but that out of her for hours and I finally slipped her a sleeping pill and put her to bed. I tried calling you after she arrived and every fifteen minutes for an hour before I gave up. So here I am. Please, tell me what's going on, maybe I can help."

I had always liked Evelyn, she seemed to have her head on straight, as much as any woman can, so I decided to level with her, as much as I could since I didn't know all that much myself.

"Kathy cheated on me."

The mug slipped from her hands and rattled on the table. Thank goodness it wasn't very far off the table at the time or she could have burned herself. She looked at me with disbelief in her eyes. "No, she wouldn't," she said quietly.

"She did. I wasn't sure until yesterday but when I got home I confronted her about it and she admitted it to me." I looked down at the table, waiting for her to process what I had told her.

"Oh my God, I didn't think she'd really do it," she said so softly I wasn't sure I'd heard her correctly.

"What did you say? Did you know about this?" I said, harsher than I intended.

She blushed and picked up her cup again, taking another sip before she spoke again. "Not really, no, I didn't know about this specifically."

"OK, what did you know, specifically."

"Six or seven months ago Kathy came to me to tell me she'd seen her old high school boyfriend in town. I don't think she ever told you about Karl but she was really in love with him when they were young. There was even talk about marriage."

"I never knew that. I know Kathy had boyfriends in college before we met but I didn't know there was anyone serious."

"Oh it was serious all right. Karl's family moved shortly after they graduated and they kept up contact, vowing to be together as soon as possible. This carried on for over a year until, one day, the contact stopped. She tried to find him but his father had died and they'd moved again leaving no forwarding address. She was devastated. She really believed they were meant to be together. I thought she might do something stupid so I got her into counseling. That seemed to help and slowly she crawled her way out of the hole she'd been in.