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"Have you spoken to her?" he asked.

"No. She rushed out of the house this morning for what I expect is another of her hot, can't-wait-to-get-fucked assignations."

"Brian, I am going to play the devil's advocate and ask, is it possible you have gotten this all wrong? Could there be another explanation?"

Looking at him through tear-filled eyes, I replied, "It is Occam's Razor, Adam."

He paused and gave me one of those quizzical looks and said, "Razor as in shaving?"

"No, 'Occam,' as in the fourteenth century logician and Franciscan friar William of Occam. He said, 'we need not invent reasons when the answer is usually just the simplest one.' In this case she is just cheating on me. End of story."

"Everything I found today clearly points to her cheating and having sex outside the marriage. She had an abortion. I've had a vasectomy, and the most logical answer is she was impregnated by someone who hasn't had a vasectomy."

"Brian, I can't argue with that."

Sliding a brown manila envelope across the desk to me, he said,

"Here is the packet as requested. The first sheet is an acknowledgement of service. See if she will sign it, otherwise we will have her served by a professional. When are you going to confront her?"

"I am not sure. I am still working on my schedule. Give me the server's phone number and I will coordinate with them."

Looking at me with pity and a tear in his eye, Adam said, "Okay, buddy, get back to me as soon as you have it all squared away."

I went by the BMW dealership and picked up Ann's car and dropped off the loaner. They had washed and vacuumed her car and I wondered how long it would take Ann to trash it again, then realized it didn't matter because I didn't give a shit.

Arriving home, I saw Ann wasn't there. Parking her car in the garage, I took four large suitcases from the storage area, checked to see if they would fit in the BMW and then brought them in the house putting them in the spare bedroom.

I sat at the kitchen table and listened to the stillness of the house...the small noises surrounding our lives that we take for granted. The grandfather clock struck the half hour, and this made me think about the clock at the university and how we met. I thought about all our hard work and how we fit together, then wondered again what I did to drive her into another's arms? As I was wallowing in misery, I again realized I was blaming myself for this mess because I did not have answers to why it occurred.

I could always find some shortfall in my behavior or actions. Perhaps I was not attentive enough, not home enough, not...it was all BS! I spent every possible minute with her, so much so, she would tell me she needed some alone time. I was always trying something new in the bedroom to keep our sex life fun and satisfying. Moreover, before she started avoiding me we were having sex a minimum of four times a week. This was not about me. This was her issue. Perhaps, after twenty-five years she was just tired of me, tired of our life and our marriage. Well that would soon change and in the short run she would not be bored.

An hour later, I heard the garage door operating and after a few moments a smiling yoga-panted Ann bounced into the kitchen, said hello, walked over to me and gave me a kiss on the top of my head. As was her most recent routine, she then headed for the master bathroom to take a shower. Following her shower, she would put on her sweats, grab something quick to eat from the fridge, go to the study shutting the door, get on her phone, and not reappear for hours. Finally, around eleven, she would fuss around then head off to bed. It was the same act each day. If I was lucky, I might get ten minutes with my wife of twenty-five years. When I chased her down for sex, there was always some excuse to avoid my request. This was the new Ann and this had been going on for the last several months.

As she began to pass by me, I reached out and grabbed her arm. It was a firm but gentle grip, I felt the warm soft flesh of her arm. The sweet subtle musky smell of her recent sexual activity wafted about her.

"Hold up there, girl. Sit for a minute."

She twisted her arm and said she needed to shower. Looking up at her, I did not release her. I thought about letting her go, then a little of my pent-up anger slipped and she saw it on my face for a fraction of a second. Slowly she realigned herself to sit across from me at the table.

Gazing at me but not looking into my eyes, she said with a steady calm voice, "What's going on Brian?"

It was her alarmed but determined-to-manage-the-situation voice. Smiling at her, I responded,

"Just have not seen you much and wanted some time with you. You do have the time to sit with me, don't you?"

Ann looked at the tabletop, rubbing a spot that seemed to catch her interest, and said,

"Sure, Brian, I have time to talk, but could it wait until I have had a shower? I must smell awful."

"Actually, I would like to talk now and in the past I liked that sweet sex smell. It was a special smell we shared."

There was an ever-so-slight intake of breath and for an instant a flash of panic rearranged her soft features. I continued,

"The sale of the engineering company was completed today. The German's deposited the funds into our account. We are both officially retired."

Her whole expression and posture changed and she reached out to clasp my hand. She tried to show interest by saying,

"Oh, Brian, that is so wonderful! I am so happy for you."

She could have said happy for "us" not "you." Was I just being more sensitive or had she made the move away from our marriage in her mind? She was less tense now as I am sure she felt she had dodged the bullet of discovery.

"Don't you mean us? Happy for us, Ann? There still is an "us" isn't there?"

This shook her up and for an instant, I was looking at a very frightened woman. With a fake smile on her face, she tried to recover and hurry me along with,

"Is there anything else? If not, I am off to a shower."

I had just presented her with news of our lifelong achievement, one we planned for, worked for, and lusted after for twenty-five years, and all I got was one sentence from her, and a desire to shower. I might as well have gotten a carving knife out and had her stab me through the heart. As I felt myself tear up, I decided to suck it up, get my game face on and continue.

Reaching under the table, I brought a brown envelope out placing it on the tabletop. I withdrew the settlement documents and petition for a divorce from the envelope and pushed them across to her. She just stared at them and there was a faraway look in her eyes. She was not there with me. She was someplace else. Perhaps she was thinking of someone else. As if awakening from a daydream, she reached for the documents and said,

"Oh you need me to sign something? Okay, let me get a pen"

With that, she jumped up and grabbed one from a bowl on the counter.

I thought to myself, Is this really happening? She is in so great a hurry to shower and begin her nightly phone romance that she will do anything to get away from me. What if I just let her sign everything and not say anything?

After sliding the documents over to her, I got on my cell phone and gave the notary waiting outside a call and asked her to come in.

"Ann, you should read this stuff, and then sign where the little sticky arrows are. The documents need to notarized and the notary is outside waiting. She should be here in a minute."

I went to the door and opened it for Ms. Brown, a thin older woman, who came in and sat at the table with us. She gave Ann a sharp look as she got a whiff of her recent sexual activity.

"Ann, this is Ms. Brown the notary. She will notarize the documents when you have read and understood them. If you want to take them to your own attorney it is fine."

"Brian, don't worry I am a big girl. I don't need to take the time or waste money taking this to an attorney."

"Ann, I insist you read them thoroughly. They outline the distribution of our assets. I made an equal distribution but you need to review it."

"Brian, just let me sign them. I have trusted you throughout our marriage. I still trust you. You have always taken care of me and looked out for my best interests. Why should I believe anything has changed?"

I looked at Ms. Brown, but she just looked at her hands as she waited for Ann, who was now paging thought the documents, signing where marked. Ms Brown did her thing and left. Ann was launching herself from the table when I shouted,

"Sit down! You will leave when I tell you to!"

A tearful, frightened face looked back at me, and she again slowly sank into her chair.

"I have three questions...who, why, and how long?"

I could see she was not going to answer my questions and still hadn't focused on the fact I knew about her indiscretions. Now she tried to deflect me with the impatience of a busy woman.

"Brian, I haven't time for your mysteries. I am busy. There are things I need to do, and I need to take a shower."

"For once, your fuck buddy can wait. We will have this discussion now. Right here, right now!"

Pale as a sheet, she just sat in her chair, all the anger and self-righteousness sucked out of her. She realized I knew about her cheating.

"So answer the question, Ann. Who, why, and for how long? Why? Why throw twenty-five-five years of marriage away? Are you in love with someone else?"

Lowering her head into her hands, she just kept repeating, "God, no, no! Why God, why is this happening to me now?"

With anger in my voice, I responded to her. "Are you so deluded that you believe God is intervening to spoil your wanton sluttish affair? Seriously Ann, this is something you are responsible for or did someone force you to break your wedding vows and destroy our marriage? Who are you planning to grow old with Ann? It won't be me!"

"Please Brian, it isn't what you think, I am not in love with anyone, only you Brian."

In my mind, the battle raged. I could not believe she just told me it wasn't what I was thinking.

"Ann" I replied, "I am thinking you gave some other man what you promised to me. You were impregnated by another, you lied to me and you have been cheating on me and our family. What else could I be thinking?"

"How long Ann, how long has it been going on?"

Looking at me, she began with the lies. "A couple of weeks, I promise it has only been a couple of times, it did not mean anything."

"A couple of weeks Ann?" I felt the anger rising.

"Yes, Brian, it meant nothing, it was just recreational sex. It was with a guy I met at the club. Please don't make me give you the details! Oh, Brian, I am so sorry! I didn't mean for you to find out. I stopped last week when I realized how wrong I was."

"Last week was the last time? You have not been with anyone since?" I shot back.

"Yes, yes, I swear. Please forgive me! I will make it up to you," she pleaded.

Feeling more life being sucked out of me, I said in a sad, tired voice,

"Okay, I can see you are not going to be honest with me. I guess it does not matter. You just came from having sex and I can smell it all over you. Even Ms. Brown could smell the sex on you. We have not had a sex life for months, not since all your energies have been devoted to slutting around. You have treated me as if I did not exist and denied me your love and affection. That hurts Ann and finding out you are out having sex with other guys has put all kinds of pictures in my head. Finding out you had an abortion, and have been lying to me, has ripped my heart out. You have crushed me, made me feel like I am dying. Your selfish actions have destroyed our marriage, laid waste to our future. I am not going..."

I did not finish my tirade because she rushed in with,

"Please Brian, stop. I am so sorry, please open your heart and forgive me. It was a mistake, poor judgment on my part. I will make you forget."

"Ann, I am not going to yell and scream. It isn't the way I operate. Honey, we are done. There is no more us."

"Oh, Brian, no! Please!"

I slid her copy of the divorce documents across the table to her. This time she looked at them and slid them back toward me, got up from the table, and ran into our bedroom crying.

I followed her a few minutes later and sat with her as she softly sobbed. I gently rubbed her back while thinking she had destroyed our marriage and how she hadn't even given me a real reason. This mess was totally fucked up. I felt my earlier resolve melting and although I did not like her very much right now, I felt sorry for her. All day long I had been at war with her, my cheating wife, the enemy, she had become an abstraction of infidelity. Now, though, sitting on the bed, small and vulnerable, she was the woman I had married and still loved.

All day, I had been driven, filled with a purpose, on a mission, and my body had reacted as if I was under physical attack. Realizing I was exhausted from an adrenalin-filled day, I left her, walked back into the kitchen, and got a glass of wine. I needed to step back from the edge. As the alcohol slowed my beating heart, I felt my body relax. Returning to the bedroom and looking down at Ann, I realized my hate and anger were at war with my love of twenty-five years.

I was upset. On one hand, I felt like tossing her ass out onto the driveway but on the other, I could not deny the love I felt. Someday, the pain would fade and I would forgive her, but not today. No, there won't be forgiveness today or for a long time.

Despite my war within, I was also responding to the pain I knew she was feeling. Her sobbing stopped and she fell asleep. I pulled covers over her and later I slipped in bed beside her. She was my wife. I had loved her for more than twenty-five years. Tonight love and pain slept alongside each other. There would be more pain tomorrow, and I was not sure how much love would survive. She still needed a shower.

Lying beside her, I was exhausted and slept like the dead. I had not even changed my clothes. When I awoke, I saw her sitting on the bed looking at me. Freshly showered, she was in sweat pants and tee shirt. As I turned on my side, she placed her hand on my shoulder and gave me a weak smile.

"Do you feel like talking?" she asked in a small soft voice.

"We can start now, but I will have to get up soon. I'll need to pee." I responded.

"Brian, I read the divorce petition and settlement agreement, and was surprised at how generous it was, I am not sure I would have been as reasonable if the roles were reversed."

I went to respond, but she placed her fingers on my lips and again said, "Please just let me talk. I have been awake for a long time doing a lot of thinking. If you can find it in your heart to let me say the things I feel are most important now I would be ever so grateful."

She continued, "I am going to be honest and truthful. I am in terrible pain, and I know it won't come close to the anguish I know you are feeling. The origin of my pain is the realization of all the consequences that have and will occur because of my stupid, thoughtless, and selfish act of betrayal. I broke my vows, my most sacred promise to you and I have no way of undoing the destruction to our marriage and life."

Wiping tears from her eyes, she continued, "Looking back on the past months, I realize I did not do it because I needed something that I did not have or couldn't get from you. You were always a loving, kind considerate partner, always there for me. You kept me sexually satisfied and you loved me. You are exciting to be with and I know other women are jealous of me because you are an attractive, hot guy. You have been an excellent father and provider."

Not being able to contain myself I blurted out, "Then why did you break your vows? Why cheat?"

"Oh Brian, I have looked for a reason and the only answer I came up with, is we were spending time apart, I had money, time on my hands and guys flattering me. I know that is not a reason; it is just what happened. Deep down I feel I lost my way and the purpose we were together. During this time I stopped thinking about myself as your wife and partner. I found the flattery exciting and a distraction. It was fun to be sexually stimulated and get close to sexual fantasies. I began wrapping myself in a fog of lust and excitement, blurring what was real with my silly adolescent thoughts of lust."

She took a breath, then continued.

"I didn't need attention from the other men, and my spending time with them brought nothing new into my life except the excitement of an illicit affair. It was as if I had become addicted and I constantly felt a need for a fix to get my cheating high. In retrospect, I believe if I had put the same effort and energy into you I wouldn't be in this awful mess."

With tears in her eyes she continued, "There were only two other men and it started months ago. The first time I had sex it was unprotected and I got pregnant, that was when I had the abortion. I was six weeks along and it scared me enough I stopped for three weeks but then I began to forgot my fear and pain from betraying you. Also, about that time Mark started paying attention to me and I was soon having sex with him. At that time the other man was out of the picture."

I felt my heart and soul being crushed listening to her, but she went on.

"Brian, this is going to sound like bullshit, but I had an epiphany as Mark was banging the shit out of me yesterday. I came to realize the full consequences of my actions. I became so upset I pushed Mark off me and rolled off the bed. Sitting in a chair with my head in my hands, I felt my stomach knot up as the realization of what I was doing came into focus. I was placing into jeopardy our marriage and hurting the one person I love the most. As my fear overcame all my senses, I could hardly breathe thinking about the pain and hurt you would experience when you discovered my cheating. At that moment I had no doubt you would find out and my world would end."

Another pause and with a sob she continued.

"After I arrived home the only thing I wanted was to take a hot shower and wash away the stink of my betrayal. I told Mark never to speak to me again and I had made a terrible mistake with my cheating. He looked at me and then surprised me when he said he was sorry, he should never have become involved with a married woman."

"Although he liked the sex we had he said it was kind of creepy helping someone cheat on their spouse. He told me he would be pissed if it were his wife cheating on him. So there I sat naked on the chair listening to the person who had just been fucking me confirm my feelings of betrayal, as well as telling me he thought I was a cheating slut. My pain just increased and I wanted to die."

I could almost feel the pain rolling off her as she told me this.

"Brian, When I came home I was a wreck, I didn't know what to do and even though I wanted to confess my sins I couldn't because I was even more afraid of what you might do. I needed time to prepare myself. I believe deep within me my subconscious had been working away at my guilt and shame. Yesterday, you caught me by surprise and I was praying there would not be a confrontation over my betrayal."

"It was hard knowing I would have to tell you, but my pain was so much worse knowing you discovered my infidelity and bore the pain by yourself. My guilt was so awful I wanted to die. I am truly sorry I did this and I can't ask you to forgive me because I know there is no forgiveness for what I have done."

Looking at Ann through tear-filled eyes I found myself much calmer than expected. Although I was still in pain and angry I felt I would be able to deal with this mess as an adult. Although I still loved her, I also knew things might never return to the way they had been.