Take The Pledge

How had he missed it? She'd removed her makeup...and her hair was in pig tails with pretty little blue gross grain ribbons securing them. He could not take his eyes off of her; he was back in second grade. She was every bit as beautiful only now she was a young woman...a tall, flawlessly beautiful, perfectly appointed young woman. He wanted to kiss her, hold her in his arms...make love to her.

She made the first move, sliding across the seat, wrapping her arms around him...and her lips touched his lips...her tongue darted...she sighed almost imperceptibly and he knew his life would never be the same again.

The kiss...it had been intended as a first step in her planned seduction. . . but it had been so much more. She fought it with every fiber in her body, breaking away gently and reluctantly. . . smiling at him as her mind raced. You're looking for fun, comfort, hopefully decent sex...a summer fling. You're not looking for the "one" and this man couldn't be...nothing in common...not any possibilities.

And then she was back in his arms trembling with the realization that no man's arms and lips had ever made her feel that way before. Her head took control again; she broke away again. They were at their destination; saved by the bell.

She was obviously known there and the couple was quickly escorted to a private booth in what was quite obviously a very elite section.

"We have some catching up to do, 'just John'; you go first."

John was no longer a young man ashamed of the trials, tribulations and failures of his early life. He neither glossed over nor dwelled on the most painful episodes. His life had truly been an odyssey and he knew in his heart that he would overcome whatever came his way in the future. He had turned around what had begun as a quite miserable existence. He had no regrets about what he had endured and not a vestige of bitterness. He was the most open, candid and surprisingly undamaged man Jackie had ever met. Her eyes filled with tears when he completed his saga.

"Jackie...I never in the world would want to make you cry. I'm sorry if my story was..."

"I'm not crying because I'm sad...you didn't make me cry. I've been surrounded since birth by people who have everything on a silver platter---and their lives are a collective nightmare. They achieve nothing! They can deal with nothing! They overcome nothing! They contribute nothing. And then along comes 'just John' who should be lying on one of the many garbage heaps of life...and I realize that my story pales by comparison. The only similarity it has is that we both were surrounded by dysfunctional adults---albeit relatively rich ones in my case. I honestly believe I came through it without becoming a complete nut bag! And I'm not even sure why."

"Tell me your story, Jackie...I care."

No man had ever listened to her as attentively as 'just John.' His eyes never left her and in those eyes she saw kindness, affection, even love...and that last one frightened her. As whole and mentally sound as Jackie believed she was, love terrified her...she rebelled against it...denied it.

One of the more benign maladies that often exist in people abused at a young age is a need to take care of someone. John's roommate had not been the first one he took under his wing...wouldn't be the last. It's benign as long as it doesn't turn into some sort of bizarre pas de deux with a codependent who needs to be taken care of. At that instant, he wanted desperately to take Jackie in his arms and love the hurt away.

In his early twenties, John was far more grown up than even he realized. He was just glimpsing the glimmer of possibilities---the startling realization that he and Jackie could really mean something to each other...even share a life together. He resisted the urge to become paternalistic and inappropriately comforting.

"Jackie, listen very carefully. Here we are, reasonably intact young adults. In spite of the pain we may have suffered we're here and we're okay. We may deny it but there were people in our lives who brushed up against us, took an interest, cared---or we wouldn't be alive today.

"I didn't realize until this instant that the one thing you and I have in common in spite of our different lives is a paralyzing fear of love...coupled with a desperate need for it. Look, we survived and grew by taking control...taking charge of our lives as soon as we possibly could. I don't let people inside...don't want to get hurt. Touch my heart and you can hurt me. We'll never complete the journey until we let someone...touch us...love us...accept love in return...because those who were supposed to love us the most betrayed our trust."

"Oh, John, I'm not remotely ready for love or..."

"Neither am I...I want to be...but neither am I."

"I know you're right; I reject it, rebel against it, deny it...push it away."

"I know that feeling."

"So how do we deal with it, oh wise one?"

"We take it off the table. Jackie, I pledge to you that I am no longer in love with you as I was in the second grade, I promise not to fall in love with you---or let you fall in love with me."

"That's a little crazy!"

"Say the pledge---take it off the table. Friends, two people somehow linked who care about each other, like each other...maybe really special friends...but not in love."

"Does that mean not lovers?"

"That would be a popular euphemism for fucking? Sex is sex...love is love. I think fucking is allowed. Say the pledge." She did so, raising her right hand mockingly.

"Thank you for not trying to comfort me at the conclusion of my rant. I've had all of the 'there, there' pats on the head I can handle. Every man I've ever unloaded on---including my father---has done it. You didn't. Why?"

"Believe me, I wanted to...my heart wanted to take you in my arms and try to comfort you... I've been there too; it never made me feel better. It wouldn't have made you feel better...probably would have just pissed you off."

"It is not possible that in a little over two hours we have shared so much...so candidly...you are very dangerous...but very special."

"I'm in very special company."

"Okay, let me be sure I understand the ground rules. If I say something to you that you don't like---you'll tell me. We're not in love...we're not trying to be in love...we're friends...no games."

"No games."

"Good! Where are you staying?"

"I need to call some special people and tell them I didn't get mugged; we're staying at my best friend's father's fraternity house in the city."

"I would like you to spend the night with me...back at the Plaza. I doubt that the fraternity would be the appropriate setting. Sex will be involved---but don't you dare try to make love to me! I need to be held...fucked...comforted...but no love."

"Scout's honor! Is Mike going to be okay with that?"

"Mike is family; in the years he's been employed by my family, he's probably seen it all."

John broke his scout's honor in spite of his pledge; he couldn't help himself. He made love to Jackie many times. As the night wore on, even when they fucked playfully there was a tenderness...a respect...and more. She knew it; he knew it. They just didn't talk about it that night or on the following nights throughout the summer in the comfortable little cottage that she owned in her own right on the Cape.

The summer came to an end too soon. They had both somehow avoided slipping and saying the words. She was cuddled in his strong arms after they had made love in the early morning light. Soon he would leave for law school and she would...do what exactly?

As John drove the relatively short distance from the Cape to New Haven he felt empty and alone. His heart and body ached at how much he already missed Jackie. She'd come visit him at law school but she wouldn't be there with him night and day as she had been for almost three months.

John buried himself in law school. A note came one day in her hand. It explained why she had not answered her phone.

"I know this is hard, sweet, dear, 'just John'. You still mean more to me than anyone in the world. I'm not running away from you or from anything for that matter. I need to go do something important, something that has meaning. I'll write as soon as I can. I'm not leaving you; I'll be back."

He'd contacted her father; the man had no idea, having received a note himself. John worried; he buried himself in his studies and achieved the same stellar results he had in previous academic pursuits. He didn't receive her first letter for two months. The postmark told him she was on the other side of the world. She had joined a non-governmental relief organization and been posted fifteen thousand miles away.

Her letters were not frequent; the country she had been assigned to had no postal service. She spoke of her tasks and responsibilities. She seemed terribly happy doing what she was doing. He missed her; he wasn't always sure that she missed him as much but he had long ago broken the pledge. He loved her and was in love with her. In spite of her gentle hints, he'd wait until he lost all hope that she would come home to him.

John graduated with all the appropriate accolades and honors. He accepted the top federal clerkship offered. The letters became even less frequent. As he made one more move to accept a position with a top law firm in his field, he feared that he had lost her and began to accept it reluctantly. It had now been almost four years since he had talked to her, touched her...made love to her.

Burying himself in his new responsibilities, he was quickly promoted. Three years later and in record time for the firm he was offered a partnership. Had it not been offered, the firm would have lost their top litigator and rain maker. It had been over a year since her last letter. He knew what she was doing; "Don't wait for me, 'just John', get on with your life." She was pushing him away.

As he contemplated his thirtieth birthday he decided to try one last time before throwing in the towel. Maybe she had fallen in love...with someone else. He knew he had to know to get any sense of closure.

It took several weeks and the calling in of some favors before he found which NGO she was currently with. It took some legal saber rattling to get the NGO officials in New York to tell him where she was. It took almost forty-eight hours to fly to the dismal little country in which she now served as director. It took almost a day by Land Rover to get to the small village where she was based. The villagers seemed very protective of her; he finally convinced one of them to take a note to her that simply said, "just John is here."

He was quickly granted entrance to the village; he saw her coming toward him, a little thin but as beautiful as she had ever been. They hugged and they wept but did not speak for several minutes. He spoke first.

"Did you finally fall in love with someone?" he whispered.

"No...there's no one in my life..."

"I did," he replied.

"I hoped you would...move on...forget me...live your life..."

"Sorry, babe, I broke the pledge. I waited for you. I came to find you...I love you...come home with me or let me go...but I'm in love with you...no one else."

"That's why I left...I broke the pledge too...probably that first night at the Plaza."

"Then it's settled! Let's go home. You have nothing more to prove."

"I can't...they need me...I'm a different person than that silly little princess you knew...I..."

"There are lots of people who need help at home. Where I grew up comes to mind. Come home with me."

"John...I..."

"We're not getting anywhere. I bought one round trip ticket and a one way ticket. I leave in two days. Here's the flight information; your ticket will be waiting at the counter. I miss you so much it hurts every damn day! But don't do it because you feel sorry for me...do it because you love me...and you know I love you...and we have a life to live together...I can't stay here; if you are here and I stay...I'll have trouble leaving."

"John, just move on...I..."

"No! You have forty-eight hours, give or take, to make a decision. Those three months before law school were the happiest of my life---and yours---and you know it! You've paid your debt! You've given back and you can keep giving back at home---with me. I don't have any more words inside me and I'm so frustrated I could spit. I love you; I want to marry you...I want to spend the rest of my life with you---stop fighting me...please."

He kissed her one last time and returned to his vehicle; he was convinced that he had failed. His thoughts turned to life after Jackie. He wanted children; he wanted to fall in love...again. No challenge he had ever faced tore him apart as much as this one did. He wanted to be angry at her...he'd let her touch his heart and she had said no. But all he could do was love her...and wish that she could love him.

What kind of man hangs on for seven years and travels 15,000 miles for a woman? A pretty special one, Jackie thought to herself. She'd done everything she could think of to push him away. She had come to believe that she would never have love...never truly give it or accept it. That she wasn't capable of it. He had snuck inside so easily. The village elder interrupted her musings a day later, addressing her in broken English.

"You think enough...now go...go! You do much here; we are grateful. We will miss. But he miss more...you miss more...he love...you love...go to him...go to him now!"

She almost didn't make it in time; the airplane door was closed.

"Please, please. . . the only man who has ever loved me...I've ever loved...is on that plane...If I don't get on...it's over...forever...I can't do that to him...please?"

They relented and let her board; John had heard the door close and was for the first time in as long as he could remember beaten, defeated and lost. In spite of his strong constitution, he wept uncontrollably. His tears prevented him from hearing the door reopen.

He looked up as a figure moved down the aisle toward him... a tall obviously female figure but through his blurry eyes...he couldn't be sure...pig tails...shimmering blond hair...blue ribbons...bright blue eyes. He feared he had become delusional and then the vision spoke.

"I think that's my seat."

"Yours and no one else's on earth."

He released his seat belt, jumped up and crushed her in his arms. Their lips met and their tears of pure joy flowed together. The flight attendant decided to take her time...informing the pilot that there would be a brief delay. The other passengers cheered and clapped. They took their seats and held each other's hands.

"You cut that pretty close."

"Traffic was hell. So, bring me up to date...what have been doing while I was gone?"

"Got my law degree, did a clerkship, got a job, made partner, high six figures...the usual."

"John...the money...the money granddad left me...I always knew it would be an issue...come between us."

"I have a decent job, Jackie; I know you can't touch the principal but give away the earnings every year if it makes you feel better. I think we'll manage. Even better, use it to set up your own NGO at home in the poorest regions of Appalachia. Trust me---they need help."

"You didn't give up on me for seven years?"

"More like...hell, math is not my best subject. I lied that first night; I was still in love with you from second grade."

"Do you intend to make lying to me a habit?"

"It's a foolish man who lies to his wife."

"I'm not your wife yet."

"Maybe the Captain could help out."

"That's only on ships. You've never proposed."

"That's easily solved. I'm in love with you and you're in love with me. Will you marry me and spend the rest of your life in my arms?"

"I don't suppose you have a ring."

"Actually, I do." John said slipping the bauble on her finger.

"A little overconfident, aren't we?"

"Dear heart, every speck of confidence I've ever had in my life deserted me when I left you two days ago. I was sure I'd lost...and when the door closed...it beat me down like nothing has in my entire life. . . even my step-father. I've carried that ring with me since the day I found out you were gone."

"Who would have thought that a touch of kindness to a fellow second grader would lead here; you don't give up easily, do you, big fella?"

"Not when there's gold at the end of the rainbow."

"I'm a pretty lucky little girl."

"We can argue about who's lucky over the next fifty years or so. With a little more luck that's the only thing we'll ever argue about."

Edited by Techsan