Tales from the Guilds Ch. 09

Leutnant Adolf Sturmundrang, (a.k.a. Windrunner) would have probably been cursing his luck or perhaps even those who had led him into the predicament but the silver handcuffs and shackles burned to0 badly for him to even think. Worse yet, there was a headsman's block clearly in sight with a moon silver ax stuck into it. It was strange stuff, moon silver. It shone just as brightly as sterling and hurt just as bad to the werewolf who touched it. But it was deadly, taking an edge like the finest dwarf steel. Worse yet, it never rusted.

It would be fun, they told him, werewolves would rise to their proper place as apex predators over all other sapient species. "Come with us" the Überwölfen had said, "and we will hunt and eat the lowly humans, dwarfs and goblins," somehow omitting the possibility of Orcs.

Footsteps in cadence crunching on the gravel brought his head up to see a group approaching. Through the red haze of his pain, Adolf saw four exceptionally tall, broad dwarves armored in moon silver and carrying their moon silver axes at port arms forming the corners of a defensive square. Within the square marched a female Orc and a man who was either human or a despised yennork, a werewolf locked in one shape. They halted in front of him and looked down. The Orc extended her claws, held them out for a moment and then withdrew them. The threat was obvious. With other species, attempts to kill a werewolf without silver or fire presented serious problems. Orcs, as recent battles had established, simply drove their hands into an opponent's chest and pulled out his heart. It worked as well on werewolves as it did on any other living thing.

They were relentless. Stories abounded of them from the horrible days of the Evil Empire. It was said that the Igors had made them from men and that they were driven into battle with whips. That was then, today was now and the Orcs were even more fierce when they drove themselves. Sturmundrang wished he'd never heard of them.

"Make no attempt to escape, unless death appeals to you!" the Orc growled, "Vasily, release him. The Captain and her friends wish to speak with him."

Walking was hard after hours in silver shackles but the Orc and Vasily rather roughly supported him all the way to a cottage where they knocked on the door and then thrust him inside. There the werewolf found a table with a small group seated around it. The hair on the back of his neck rose when he saw that among the group was the Lady Saxifrage von Eisenberg, (a.k.a Razorclaw), one of the most prominent werewolves in Überwald. Beside her sat a dwarf of obvious importance. His normal leather and chain mail were augmented by a gold engraved breastplate and on the table in front of him was the most ornately engraved mining ax Adolf had ever seen. Also at the table were a human dressed in the everyday habit of a priest of Om (who also had an ax, though this one, while glisteningly sharp, was quite plain and scarred from use), an important looking Orc and a vampire wearing the uniform of a Captain in the Überwald Watch. Behind her stood a man in mufti. In some undefinable but very definite way he seemed possibly the most ominous member of the group. Adolf licked his lips and swallowed. He began to feel that he would be lucky if all they did was kill him.

"Adolf Sturmundrang," Lady Saxifrage growled, "you are chargt vith rebellion against zer state, terrorist activities und carnivorous homicide against ozzer zapient species. How do you pleat?"

"G—guilty, mine lady, und I t'row mine-self upon your mercy. I vish to turn Queen's witness?"

All heads turned towards the dwarf who sat motionless for a very long moment and then nodded. "As the Low Queen's Marshall in this affair, I am authorized to act in her behalf. Your parole is accepted. You will be taken to a secure location and debriefed. Tell Corporal Harmsworth everything you know and answer every question honestly. You may yet live to tell about this day."

*****

"If there be one thing Überwald be famous for," Constable Harmsworth mused, "it's beer. Not that I would say anythin' ill about th' country in general, mind, but th' beer be truly outstandin'." He took another long pull on his flagon.

"Indeed," Lady Saxifrage nodded and licked the foam off her lips, "ve have zo much to be prout of that it is a tragedy that ve must alzo be plagued vith the likes of the Überwölfen. Though after this veek's bloody business, ve may finally be done vith them. Mr. Nutt, your company's assistance has been vital. You und your lady Glenda haff accomplished miracles vith your lost people and Her Ladyship vill be absolutely chuffed at zer zuccess of her project."

Mr. Nutt looked with disapproval at his beer mug. It was empty! This would never do. "Linden," he held the mug up, "a refill, if you would. Thank-you for your kind words, milady, but given what Her Ladyship did for me, what else could I do but bend every effort to return the favor? However, I must admit that there has been great satisfaction in seeing my people climb out of the depths of their ignominy and into the light of civilization."

"Everything strives," Pastor Oats took a sip from his much smaller glass, "as Om ordains them to. All they need is a messenger to bring the good news of forgiveness and Mr. Nutt has proven to be just that. Of course, being backed up by Forgiveness," here he patted his ax, "is a great help in time of trouble."

Linden brought out a beer pitcher of monumental size, refilled everyone's mug and then left it on the table.

Smiling, Captain Von Humpeding watched the level of golden liquid rise as the foam on her mug dissipated. Grievous Bodily Harmsworth had nailed it. Whatever slings and arrows of misfortune might come out of the dark woods of Überwald, there was always the beer to make up for it. Renowned as the lagers of Lipwig might be, there was no substitute for Überwaldean pilsner. She looked at the reflection of the corporal in the frosty glass. He was putting a fair number of pints away. Perhaps enough to lower his inhibitions to the point where a shared bed might be possible? And if not with him, then perhaps the solid and lusty looking dwarf could prove entertaining. That was the good thing about dwarfs. While it was really difficult to tell whether one was male or female, from her stand point, it didn't actually matter.

"I believe that this morning's engagement brings this unfortunate adventure nearly to completion," Mr. Nutt opined, "and none too soon. The Alliance's casualties have not been so dreadful as they might but each one is a sad loss for someone's family. The Orcs, for our part, will be glad when we can turn homeward."

"As vill ve all," Lady Saxifrage replied, "Internecine combat has alvays been ze hallmark of verevolf society und zer Great Game alvays a source of grim entertainment. Howefer, zis time zings haf gone too far. Ze Überwölfen attempt to establish ein Reich over ze entirety of our fair land vas insufferable! Zer vill be much zoul zearching among zer clans after zis und I belief zat a new day dawns in our relations vith ozzer species. Like zer Black Ribboners, ve will haf to develop zer discipline to restrict our diet."

"Take it from me," Captain Von Humperding answered archly, "it isn't easy and it's a constant struggle. Some of us have tried and failed. Any who are unable to adapt are best off returning to their isolated castles because those of us who benefit from our own self-discipline take serious affront towards those who will make our integration more difficult. As Captain Angua can attest, the Undead in Ankh-Morpork are very mindful of their own and can get positively unpleasant when crossed."

"Om ever tempers justice with mercy," Pastor Oats declared, "and Forgiveness goes hand in hand with forgiveness. We are not promised success in our internal struggles, only the knowledge that we gain nobility from the effort and glorification in Eternity."

"Amen," Harmsworth murmured.

Grag Bashfullsson shot him a quizzical look. It never occurred to the Queens' Marshall that the corporal might be a devout Omnian. He had heard many stories of the evangelical efforts of Sergeant Visit-the-Ungodly-With-Explanatory-Pamphlets but hadn't given them much heed. Had Washpot's efforts finally come to some fruition? It was an amusing possibility. Dwarfs, as a species, were followers of Tak but not believers. As their common saying went, 'Tak does not require that we think of him, only that we think."

Shortly after, the pitcher being drained and a mound of potatoes and sausage being demolished, the council repaired to their various quarters. Well, not all of them. Captain Von Humpeding was last seen walking in step with Corporal Harmsworth, rubbing her shoulder against his formidable bicep. The question of whether she ever made it back to her own bed was never asked.

*****

Mopping up continued the next morning with the Alliances forces divided up into search-and-destroy teams. These consisted of a werewolf in the point position, three moon silver mailed and armed dwarfs on flank and sweep and a pair of Orcs in the center 'kill' position. Their orders were that any remnant Überwölfen encountered were to be given a chance to surrender—one chance. After that, quarter was neither offered nor given. Überwald's international standing was at stake and the Lady Margolotta had made it quite clear that once the force returned from the field, there were to be no werewolf supremacists left alive within the country's borders either above or (with the Low Queen's enthusiastic approval) below ground.

Hard as they might try to escape, the Überwölfen were out of food and too harried to hunt. One by one they were run down and either taken prisoner or slaughtered in place. Sturmundrang's testimony was gone over repeatedly until every name among his list of cohorts was accounted for. Mission accomplished, the Alliance prepared to depart.

"Have I gained worth?" Mr. Nutt asked Pastor Oats.

"Beyond the most precious pearl, my friend," the man replied, "And be sure that we will report it so to Lady Margolotta. She will doubtless smile in her own enigmatic way and dispatch considerable financial aid to your people."

"As will the Low Queen," added Grag Bashfullsson, "It is, I suppose, possible that we could have cleared the forests without you but it would have been a much longer and bloodier campaign. Sagas will be sung of this affair and the heroism of the Orcs will take a central place. We can hope that the songs of the bards will, in time, cause your old reputation to disappear. The words of Tak go with you, my friend, and I am glad to call you that."

Nutt stuck out his hand, "And I am grateful to be so called. In time we must open trade discussions with Schmaltzburg. Our agricultural experiments are producing interesting results. I'm sure Her Majesty will be intrigued."

*****

Lord Downy dabbed his mouth with the linen napkin, smiled and raised the wineglass to his lips. Dining with the Patrician could be a bit Spartan, given the man's apparent ability to exist on cold water and information but it could be positively sumptuous if, by chance, the Archchancellor was on the guest list. And today Mustrum Ridcully was at the table, so while there was a vegetarian option for Captain Angua, the main course was a rich, brown, garlicky stew, accompanied by a piquant salad, hot bread in profusion and, for dessert, a steaming pudding as befitted the chill of autumn.

"Vell, our little experiment turned out nicely, didn't he, Archchancelor?" Lady Margolotta's smile was, if you can believe it, coy, "Und ve must thank Unseen University profoundly for keepink him during his time in Ankh-Morpork."

"To Mr. Nutt," Ridcully raised his glass in a salute, "Though he was initially th' source o' great anxiety, in th' end he turned out t'be a veritable champion of th' civilized. Milady, you have every cause t'be proud of him and what you've accomplished with him and his people—for people they are."

"All in all, I'd say that the result of this whole sad adventure was to everyone's benefit," Lord Downy observed, "It appears that all that was need to finally get the various species in Überwald to cooperate was for a common enemy to show up. Can it be made to last?"

"The only certainty in politics is that nothing is certain," replied Vetinari wryly, "but with effort we should be able to retain it for a while. Hopefully everyone will get so used to peace and cooperation that they will come to judge it as normal."

"Leaving the dissatisfied to try and mess things up, once again," Captain Angua made a sour face. "The young males of my kind really need something they can have pride in besides what they are, a goal to accomplish that doesn't entail entrails."

Lady Margolotta nodded sagely. "Indeed, zey are not ze only vuns. I vould call it a need for eferyvun. Havelock, do you zink you come up vith some suggestions?"

The Patrician steepled his fingers in front of his half-closed eyes, "An interesting question. It will bear thinking about."