tagHumor & SatireTales of the Desperate Amateurs

Tales of the Desperate Amateurs


So there I was, nervous as hell. I was picking up my first couple to film. I had no idea what I was doing. I just knew that I had had it with asshole bosses. I also had no illusions about being an expert in something as taboo as filming porn.

She was not as pretty as the picture that she had sent me. It would not be the last time that this would happen. I picked them up in front of their trailer. She had been pretty once. You could tell that life had been really hard on her.

How had she found me? Oh yes. My early forms of recruitment were business cards printed on my computer. I used to stick them on phone booths. I had no money for advertising. I had to scrape together the cash to pay for my very first shoot. The guy that was with her had seen better days. He looked like a biker without a bike. He had to have been in his mid 40s.

I had spent the previous two weeks getting my film studio ready. Ok, it was a dining room with a fresh coat of paint and all of the furniture shoved into the living room. Ah yes. Let's not forget about my high tech equipment at the time. Armed with a cheap Wal-Mart special camera shop lights from Home Depot, which on film give off a yellowish glow that make everyone look like they have a case of jaundice.

With paperwork signed and ID.s verified. We were ready to begin. Her stage name was Hope. I don't remember his. This is going to happen I thought to myself. I was stressed and excited. M camera man J and I were ready to capture the movie magic.

So her top comes off and gets down on her knees in front of him. Cool, I'm finally filming my very first porn! I can finally quit my dead end job and tell my abusive boss to fuck off. I can make millions and go on exotic vacations. I can save money for my retirement. No more chewing on the other side of my mouth as a form of a dental plan. I can...hey. Shouldn't he be getting hard by now?

Hope was doing all the right moves. This guy was not getting wood. J and I exchanged worried looks. What the hell was happening?! All the porn's that I have seen had men with huge erections. It turns out that this is a condition that is really common in guys. I would say that 98% of men get stage fright. This is one rude awakening for the male ego. Some men bow out gracefully. Some leave in tears, but not this guy.

He started blaming her. She was doing her part. He said that she had an attitude. He was embarrassed. I get that. No one wants to fail on camera. O.K. let's take a break I figured. She was really getting nervous and upset at this point. It had been a much longer shoot than I had thought. I was starting to panic at this point. J said he went to film school but all he was getting was wide angle shots.

I took over filming. She went down on him again. Maybe, maybe, almost, oh no! What am I going to do? At this point we had been on the set for four long hours. That was when J suggested that he pop on her face. This is not what I expected but what the hell.

So he drops his pants and is hard in no time. The look on her face was pure shock as he blew a massive load all over her face and hair. Whoa! I said. That was some load. I was happy to have gotten something but I was still physically drained from the whole ordeal.

I still can't believe that I paid them both for that nightmare. It was a very painful and expensive lesson. That would not happen in today's world. At the time I just wanted them off the set and that meant that I still had to drive them home. I don't pick up talent anymore.

I thought this was going to be easy money. I thought this was the fast track to financial independence. I thought porn would lead the way to working less; that I would get to go to fancy parties. What I didn't know was the hard work was just beginning.

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