One of my all time favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. And my favorite character is, without a doubt, the Scarecrow. Not only can he contort himself into all sorts of crazy sex positions, but he also doesn't have a brain. Now, as we women know, most men think with their cocks and not their brains, anyway. But someone who would "wile away the hours, conferring with the flowers..."? How easy to manipulate and control. And the combination of extreme flexibility and no brains? Um, hello? Major and multiple orgasms. But be mindful, for sure...certainly, no candles to set the mood. Just keep him away from fire and he would be good to go!
But funnily enough, I have much more in common with the heart-less Tin Man. Not that I'm heartless (although, if I am being honest, I'm sure quite a few former boyfriends would say otherwise). Not only do I need oil on occasion, just like the Tin Man, to lube myself up, I also share something that the Tin Man receives at the end of the movie. A testimonial.
As you remember, the Great and Powerful Oz (a man who looks like he has a 3 inch cock – erect – if there ever was one) doles out to the weary travelers what each one thinks he or she wants/needs. To the Tin Man, the Wizard bestows, in the shape of a red, heart-shaped ticking cock (um... clock), a testimonial.
As it turns out, I too, have a testimonial, although of a very different kind.
Actually, it's testimonials. Plural. I have...um...a few. Slightly more. OK, I have over 20 fucking (verb, not adjective) testimonials; probably more, even. I kind of stopped counting after 20. And to think that only a short month ago, I had absolutely no idea what a testimonial even was. Then I joined Snatchmaker, an online sex site, and I found out rather quickly.
Snatchmaker had promised a ratio of 5 men for every one woman. They clearly underestimated. I was getting, in response to my profile, upwards of 100 emails a week. There certainly was a lot from which to choose, that was for sure. But, conversely, there were also a lot to wade through before you got to the good ones. I decided to take the plunge and dive right in. Act now, think later...typical Tango.
Mr.Maxxx was one of the first men I met after joining Snatchmaker. We had an immediate connection (translation: intense pounding in many positions resuting in me cumming so hard I saw stars) Per Fuckbunny protocol, I kicked Mr. Maxxx out and I went to sleep.
The next morning I signed on to my Snatchmaker account...and there, at the bottom of my profile, was a header which said Testomonials, underneath which was Mr. Maxxx's profile picture, along with this quote:
It takes two to tango and you'll thoroughly enjoy this firecracker! Tango is one hot horizontal dance. Highly recommend!
What? What was this? I did a quick search through random profiles and found that testimonials were a desired commodity. The more, the better. They were formal recognition of a job well done.
Being a rather self confident individual, I initially ignored the whole testimonial deal. I needed no affirmation about my amazing prowess and creativity when it
came to fucking.
But I am an adventurous sort. I decided to experiment. That night, I met with Karate guy for the first time. He was physically not my type, but when he took his clothes off...well let's just say he could split wood without using his hands. Amazingly, Karate guy was quite gentle with me...until I told him to slam me against the wall, pull my hair, yank my head back and fuck my brains out. And, indeed, the next morning:
On a scale of 1 – 10, Tango is a 20. She knows what she wants and she certainly knows how to get it. I was just along for the ride...and what a ride!
Cool! This was like the Academy Awards or Grammys of fucking, and I was nominated in all categories! It made me perform to the best of my ability with every guy I met. And always, the next day, there would appear another glowing testimonial.
Snatchmaker did allow its users the option to hide their testimonials, but the impression I got just from the short time I had been a member was that testimonials were akin to notches on a belt...or a bed post. I have to admit I was initially proud and a bit cocky (pun intended). Affirmation in any skill can be quite heady and even addictive. I found I was fucking guys just so they would write me a glowing review...um...I mean testimonial.
And then one day, at the gym, I was on the treadmill when two hot men came in; one of whom looked a bit familiar. They began talking as they spotted each other lifting weights.
"So you just joined Snatchmaker?" asked the familiar one.
"Yeah, been on there about a week. I already have something set up with this hot red headed chick, who has, like, 30 testimonials. All about how she can suck the chrome off an exhaust pipe... can't wait to get some of that!"
"A red head?" replied Familiar Guy. "Her name wouldn't happen to be Tango, would it?"
"Yes!" the other exclaimed. "Do you know her?"
"Dude, I know her in the biblical sense, catch my meaning? Just remember to get a good night's sleep the night before and bring plenty of rubbers!"
I quietly stepped off the treadmill and ran out of the gym and to my car. Was this testimonial thing starting to get out of control?
To hide my testimonials or to not hide my testimonials....that was the question. I asked my friend Justin Satiable for his advice.
"Leave them posted," Justin advised. "After all, you read a review before buying a book or seeing a movie, don't you?"
Good point. I would leave them posted. But my mind kept returning to the discussion I had overheard in the gym. I began to notice things I hadn't before - that the more testimonials I received, the more the quality of the men who responded to my profile declined. Almost in direct proportion. Granted, no one on a sex site is a Proust, or Tolstoy...but a typical email after I posted my testimonials went something like this:
"Can cover u in cum do you like that big fat cummy thick dick?"
"r u craveing (sic) that amazing head?"
Somehow, emails such as these do not make me moist.
I went back to Justin. Were my testimonials to blame for the decline in quality cock?
"Hmmm...I guess maybe they are", he said. "The really good men probably feel intimidated that they won't measure up (tee hee), or scared that you'll either devour them whole, or, after fucking them, bite their heads off like a female praying mantis."
"Most men would love to be devoured whole," I retorted.
But I could see Justin's point. I decided that I didn't need sycophants. What I needed were strong hard cocks. What to do???
It appeared to be too late, however. Apparently the word about the Amazing Tango had gotten out on Snatchmaker and traveled like wild fire. The emails kept pouring in...more men wanted to fuck me now than ever.
"I would love the chance to show you my moves," wrote 2rock hard4most. "Meet me and I'll show you them...and more!"
The more emails I received, the more I started feeling like 7/Eleven: open all the time. Also, that I might not live up to expectations. Take, for example, the email I received from lickuallnight69:
"My friend told me about you and your testimonials speak for themselves. Now all I want to do is eat and fuck you I would write grate (sic) things about you! God your (sic) awesome! Let's get together sometime. Let me try to make you shake uncontrollably. "
Argh! What had I gotten myself in to? I didn't want the responsibility of living up to Mr. Lick's, or anyone's expectations of me as the ultimate wet dream. And all that that entails.
It was time - time to hide my testimonials.
Maybe I have more in common with the Tin Man than I had initially thought. As the Wizard says, when bestowing the testimonial upon the Tin Man,
"A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others."
I think Oz was onto something... I finally realized that sometimes being loved by TOO many others can be too fucking much. And if I had to go looking for affirmation on Snatchmaker, I never really had it in the first place.
But you know what? There certainly is no other place like Snatchmaker.