tagNovels and NovellasTarget on My Back Ch. 05

Target on My Back Ch. 05


The rest of the night with Max was actually pretty fun. We set out a Havahart trap for the Papa John's pizza, knowing how dangerous it was to sleep with a wild animal in the house. It had been a long sweaty day so we soaped up our tits and bounced around in the shower until we were clean. Afterwards we tried on each other's bras then had a pillow fight. Finally we practiced making out with each other, but only to see what kissing was like.

I awoke at some point in the future to the horrible smell of Mrs. Brown Ears's butthole inches from my face. I calmly removed the beast from my chest and sat up in bed. Max had fallen asleep in a chair braced against the handle of my bedroom door. I mean, I guess it was nice hanging out with her again. Having someone who looked out for me and actually wanted to spend time with me...

My internal monologue was interrupted by a pounding at my front door. I could hear Cindy say, "Trick-or-treat, motherfucker!" before kicking my front door in. The crash woke up Max, and she was instantly on her feet.

"Cindy's here," I whispered to her as loud as I could.

"And we're still mad at her, right?" said Max, cracking her neck, her back, then her tiddie.

"Yes!" I hissed.

"Just making sure," said Max, removing the chair from the door and bursting into the hallway. I followed after her.

"Hey Max!" said Cindy in her chipper tone as Max turned the corner. Max sprinted at her and tackled her at full speed, sending them both into the living room.

"She's been broken in HHHEEEAAAALLFFF!!" came the sound of J.R. from Max's cell phone on the coffee table. The two APA's broke out into an indie wrestling match with Max being unable to break Cindy through my narrow coffee table. As they fought, I poured Mrs. Brown Ears her breakfast and made a pot of coffee. The fight ended when Cindy bounced off my coffee table from a powerbomb delivered by Max.

"Is that pumpkin spice coffee?" said Max.

"Oh shit," said Cindy with surprise. I poured everyone a cup and we sat together in the living room to discuss my situation.

"Is there any way to resolve this where I don't die?" I asked, sipping my white lady flavored coffee.

"I mean, you could take out a Target Credit Card."

"Ha. I'd rather be shot in the face."

"Well, you don't have a lot of options," said Cindy, reaching for her steel chair. Max brought her steel chair down over it to prevent a close ranged attack.

"Easy, girl. We're all friends here," said Max.

"I mean, the other stuff isn't a big deal, we'd usually just publicly whip you for leaving the cart out, but you shouldn't have said that stuff when you bought those brushed-nickel light switch covers."

"Brushed-silver," I corrected her.


"They were brushed-silver light switch covers. Not brushed nickel."

"Are you sure?"

"Bitch..." I got up from the couch and went into my room to find the bag with the light switch covers. I froze when I discovered APA Greg in my room holding the bag. In the same instant he turned and saw me, I fled the room. I heard three fingershots as I ran down the hallway. The whole thing felt like it was happening in slow motion which would have looked fucking sweet if this was a movie.

"What was that?" yelled Max, leaping up from the futon.

"Greg!!" I shouted back, tackling her. My entire living room was lit up with a spray of finger bullets. Just shot after shot tearing the room apart. I dared a glance up and saw Mrs. Brown Ears on the kitchen counter picking at her num-nums.

"Greg, wait!" said Cindy, trying to be heard over the hail of bullets. The shooting stopped.

"You did a good job, Cindy," said Greg.

"No, listen. Jackie didn't buy brushed-nickel light switch covers. That was someone else who gave the cashier a nervous breakdown. It wasn't her."

There was a prolonged silence. I was too afraid to get up, and Max was enjoying me laying on top of her too much to let me stand up.

"It's true," I spoke up, "just check the bag."

I could the hear the swishing of the bag being opened then closed, followed by a cuss from Greg.

"Whelp, looks like we're going to have to make this look like an accident," said Greg, making a "chh-chh" sound as he readied his finger gun. Once again everything went all slow motion like in the movies. I looked up to see Greg pointing his smoking finger gun at me.

"Noooooo!" cried Cindy in a deep, slowed down voice as she dove and tackled Greg. Time returned to normal.

"Run Jackie!! Get out of here!" screamed Cindy, leg wrestling with Greg on the floor. I grabbed Max by the wrist and hopped over them for my bedroom. Down the hall towards my bathroom I could see the havahart cage bouncing around with the Papa John's pizza inside. A sinister idea occurred to me. I ran up to the cage and bent down to grab it.

"What the fuck are you doing?" hissed Max, trying to pull me away.

"We can't leave Cindy alone in there."

I grabbed the cage by the folding handle and ran back to the living room. In the common area Greg suplexed Cindy through my coffee table and attempted to pin her, but she got her foot on the bottom rope.

"What's the plan?" said Max.

"You see that big guy there?" I said to the drooling pizza in the cage that was trying to bite and claw its way out. "He wants a living wage and health benefits."

The lie sent the pizza into a frothing fury, and I was barely able to open the cage when the frenzied pizza burst out and attacked Greg's face. As Greg fought with the face biter, Max and I were able to drag Cindy away with one of her arms over each of our shoulders. We fled the apartment complex on the free bikes out front which was actually slow going because Cindy was total shit at riding a bike while unconscious.

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