Tel Staw Ch. 02

The next day, Jane signed the decree calling the general elections. Only two parties competed: the "Blue" party, which was a full member of the Liberal International and a Socialist International observer; and the "Red" party, which was a full member of the Socialist International and a Liberal International observer.

The night before the elections, Jane went to Epidaurum, the capital city of Tel Staw, in order to oversee the elections in her capacity of Provisional President of the Republic, while John just went to Fez, the capital city of the Dan province, in order to cast his ballot.

But as he was walking towards the city hall, where the polling station was, a policewoman just wearing her hat stopped him.

"What's the matter, madam?" John asked.

"Why are you strolling in your birthday suit, as you aren't a citizen?"

John was deeply shocked by her remark, and answered, "Madam, first I am a citizen like you, and I'm going to vote; then, the Constitution says that citizens must be naked in public places, but aliens can dress as they like – can, not must. So, even if I really were an alien, I would be allowed to 'stroll in my birthday suit' anyway."

"Show me your piece of ID."

"Of course. Please, let me read yours."

They exchanged their pieces of ID, and the policewoman neared John's to her hat, which was wirelessly connected to the central police server.

"The hat isn't receiving anything. Your piece of ID must be counterfeit."

"No, madam – the police server is overloaded because of today's elections and the connection has timed out. You should try again or have my document read by a wired scanner – like the one in this shop, so you can ascertain whether I'm really wearing a forged piece of ID."

"There is a more practical way to solve the problem: I fine you and you'll appeal the fine in court, if you dare."

"Are you crazy? How can you debit my C/A if you aren't certain of my identity?"

"You're right. I bring you to jail – there you'll be positively identified."

John grumbled, but had to lead her to the police precinct. The commissioner heard the claims of both and said, "There has actually been a computer glitch a few minutes ago, but now everything is OK. Mr. Mariane, can you give me your piece of ID?"

John did that, and the computer screen showed that the document was authentic, and that he actually was a citizen. "Constable Liao, why have you stopped this citizen while he was asserting his right?" the commissioner asked.

"Because ..."

"I know that you're all shapeshifters, Constable Liao," John said smirkingly, "I've married one of them."

Constable Liao looked at him in amazement, and resumed, "Because I've been forbidden to use telepathy to look into anyone's mind, and when the computer went down I got suspicious at him."

"Tell me, Constable Liao," the commissioner asked again, "What made you suspicious of him?"

"Because he is ... male. We shapeshifters can only be females, as we are bound to take the shape of the most advanced life form on a planet."

"I know that I'm less than perfect," John said, "but humans can become citizens of Tel Stav after five years from their landing."

"Yes, sir," the commissioner said, "But, as you married one of us, you deserved an exception."

"By the way," John asked, "how should the law on aliens' dress code be construed? Can aliens be naked in public like citizens, or should they wear something in order to disclose their status?"

"No precedent has been set yet – sorry, but the law is open to interpretation."

"Is there a way to force a court to create a precedent?"

"Hmm ... your wife should divorce you, so you lose your citizenship and can be indicted for being naked in public even though you're an alien. Once the judgment is passed, your wife marries you again and you regain citizenship," the commissioner replied half-jokingly.

"Forcing my wife to divorce me is next-to-impossible. Only if I put on Youtube a video in which I drink like a fish, wear an SS uniform, sing the Nazi Germany anthem falsetto, pick my nose and then make the Nazi salute, I could have a tiny probability to be divorced."

"No: you'll certainly be apprehended for incitement to violate human rights, and you'll risk a stern sentence."

"Are you so strict?"

"Parties whose political program is against any article of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights are prohibited here, even though other democracies may tolerate them."

"Ok. But is arresting somebody on the road because of his being in the nude compliant with human rights?"

"We have to know whether it's compliant with the law, for now. You can't simply renounce your citizenship, because you won't be able to regain it. But if you're divorced, you can get it again as you remarry."

"What if I tell my wife to pretend outrage at my reckless behavior, and once the precedent is set, I ask her to marry me again?"

"Which reckless behavior?"

"What if I am filmed while having sex in a way disrupting today's elections?"

"Are you going to replace the ballot cards with Playboy's centerfold photos?"

"No. In a few minutes' time an ad will be broadcast reminding voters of their civic duties. My idea is to log on to the TV studios computer, and replace the ad with a movie showing me playing domination games with you. As the public sees that I'm completely naked, while you're still wearing your policeman's hat, a ticker on the screen reads the famous Brandeis' quote, 'In a democracy, the most important office is that of citizen.'"

The commissioner laughed, and said, "I'm afraid that your wife will plead your insanity after watching the movie. And insane people can't remarry. In my opinion, if you really want to raise the issue whether aliens can be socially naked, you'd ask your wife to divorce for loss of consortium."

"Nobody will believe that."

"It's the least humiliating way, sir. If you really find this issue worth discussing, you should ask your wife to cooperate."

John phoned Jane, and she said, "Ok, vote first, and I'll divorce you later, so Constable Liao may arrest you."

John and Constable Liao went to the polling station, and after John voted for the Blue party's list and presidential candidate, Jane divorced him.

While Constable Liao was going to arrest him, a clothed woman entered the polling station, handed her piece of ID to the returning officer, who checked it and told her, "Excuse me, madam, but you can't vote clothed. Vote is a citizen's right, nudity a citizen's duty."

"My religion forbids me to be naked in public."

"Sorry, Ms. Lewis, religion isn't an excuse. By the way, a citizen clothed in public commits an offence – ask the constable."

"Yes, Ms. Lewis, it's an offence," Constable Liao confirmed, "You have to pay a fine of 1 gram of gold for each day you're caught clothed in public, and any act you make while clothed is null and void. So you can't vote."

"What if I undress in the polling booth?"

"You might conceal a camera phone in your pockets. It isn't a solution."

"So, you're going to fine me and to prevent me from voting because I am clothed. I'm suing you in court."

"Glad to bring you there, together with this guy who persists in being naked even though he has just lost his citizenship."

"So we are twins," Ms. Lewis quipped, "Persecuted because of our clothes or lack thereof."

In court, the judges decided to try Ms. Lewis' case at once, as the polling operations couldn't be extended, and to try John later. They sent the bailiffs to the polling stations to convene a Grand Jury, and half an hour later the hearing began.

Ms. Lamar, Ms. Lewis' counsel, described the case, then the district attorney Mermaid replied, "Vote is a citizen's right, nudity a citizen's duty. So Ms. Lewis can't behave like a citizen in some circumstances and like an alien in others."

Ms. Lamar replied, "The requirement to be socially naked is arbitrary and conflicts with the freedom of religion, since many religions forbid their believers to be naked in public. We have to decide which is the most important value."

John was in the courtroom, sitting near Constable Liao, and whispered to her, "She's wrong; the 'requirement' is not arbitrary."

"How do you know?", Constable Liao replied.

"I was an advisor to the drawing up of the Constitution. I know why social nudity was required of citizens."

District attorney Mermaid asked for a fifteen minutes' recess, and when the hearing resumed, she presented John as an "amicus curiae".

"What are you going to tell us, Mr. Mariane?" the presiding judge asked.

"Why it isn't arbitrary to require citizens to be in their birthday suit in public places."

"Do tell us."

"In 1974 an anthropologist, John Watson, after reading a paper by Philip Zimbardo, noticed that the more violent warriors were the ones who changed their appearance before going to war – by painting their bodies, wearing masks or uniforms. Therefore we thought that requiring public sector workers to work in their birthday suit would effectively prevent them from abusing their powers."

"Public sector workers or citizens at large?" Ms. Lamar asked.

"As the greatest judge in US history said, 'In a democracy, the most important office is that of citizen'. So we had to require that of all citizens," John replied.

District attorney Mermaid added, "The penalty for being socially clothed is 1 gram of gold per day, which is the basic income all Tel Staw citizens earn every day. If you refuse to behave like a citizen, you can't partake of its privileges."

The Grand Jury upheld the indictment of Ms. Lewis, and began hearing John's case.

"Mr. Mariane, you can't be an 'amicus curiae' in your own trial," the presiding judge said, and the whole court laughed.

But John simply said, "Today I've lost my citizenship, c'est la vie. But can I still be socially naked?"

District Attorney Mermaid replied, "The Constitution simply says that aliens can dress as they like, while citizens can only dress for self protection. It doesn't mandate that aliens be clothed, and there is no compelling interest to do that. Quite the opposite, as such a requirement would make aliens readily identifiable, even when it's unnecessary, and may only arouse discrimination."

The Grand Jury acquitted John. He then went to the station, caught the train to Epidaurum, and there he met Jane.

"Hi, Jane. How are you?"

"I'm an ex-president now. The Red party has won 55%-45% and I've been replaced by their presidential candidate, Ms. Rachmanit Isis. Ms. Tzadiqit Ishtar, the Blue party leader, will lead the opposition. How are you?"

"Divorced and on the verge of deportation. But I've fought for justice and won."

Jane laughed, took John's arm and told him, "Let's go to the Justice of the Peace and remarry. I missed you a lot today."

"Great!"

"Then we'll take a train home. Sorry for forcing you to travel again, but we have to inspect all our agricultural equipment and prepare it for the next months' work."

"You should have divided the land into smaller plots. How could a two-person family be supposed to till a 225 square kilometer farm?"

"Thru advanced technology and hard work."