Temptation

Note: if you are seriously religious, cannot see beyond dogma and have no funny bone to tickle, please, I beg of you, do not be tempted to read further...

***

"Lucifer, you old devil, wilt thou ne'er be cured of your lasciviousness, you monster?"

"I might have known it would be you catching me out, my old friend, you still as righteous as ever?" I sighed, bowing to the inevitable.

He was always there to spoil my fun. Always. Without fail. Omni-something or other. Caught red-handed. But then I have always been red-handed.

The girl was young and shy, an innocent. Pretty, of course, she had to be, slight of body and completely bereft of any worldly experience. A jewel whose sparkle I would gladly add to my unending and ever-open collection.

I had been working my charm on her for a couple of days, ever since I spotted her working behind the counter in the fast food restaurant. Well, I'm partial to anything flame-grilled as those who know me know full well. So eventually, under an intense charm offensive on my part, she agreed to meet me after work for a coffee.

I, for the purposes of enjoying my regular seared minced beef sandwich with extra fries and a gigantic sugary drink which would rot my teeth if my pearly whites were even remotely mortal, looked like your average spotty feckless youth who would normally be rather shy and retiring. But when I saw the maiden, wearing the nameplate "Gwen", behind the fast food counter, I knew she would be absolutely perfect for what I wanted, something I realised I had sought without hope for so long.

Gwendolyn Parks was barely 18, had just started studying nursing at a local college and therefore needed to work to fund her studies; I instinctively knew she was having trouble with Biology.

"Hi," (I had said to her on our first meeting, placing my order for as burnt a burger as they could manage, plus an extra large order of fries), "you must be the prettiest girl in this dive! I'm Marvin, by the way," (okay, I lied, but that's what I do, and I do it so well, as it happens), "and I'm majoring in Biology, looking for some spare-time tutoring - know anyone who wants any help, do'yer, huh?"

"Well, er, it depends on the cost," Gwen had timidly confided, leaning into me and lowering her sweet voice to a whisper, biting her ripe lower lip nervously.

"Hey! No charge," I replied, putting on a goofy smile that had worked so well for me for, well, forever, "all out of," for want of a better phrase, "the goodness of my heart, Gwen."

Gwen's little face brightened, so trusting, so sweet, so ... unbelievably gullible.

Oh yeah, she was ripe and tender, she would taste so delectable. I realised then what had attracted me to her. I knew that I had seen the very likeness of her before. Oh yes. She could be a twin of ... well, we never ever, no, absolutely never, speak of her by name, not in the place where I come from!

Oh my, this was going to be soooo delicious, so much better than all those unrecognisably pork kebabs and disguised "ground beef" knish I had devilishly managed to work into the Halal and Kosher food chains recently. All that furore about horse meat, the rise of UKip, the latest crap Xbox, all were my designs to upset the ordered lives of these pathetic creatures.

But the sum of those irritations to my prime audience were chicken feed compared to this sweet savour which came to my devious mind.

So when Gwen finished her shift I took her for a coffee and happily gave her a few ideas for her next biology assignment, which she noted enthusiastically onto her well-thumbed notepad with her oversized pink fluffy pen in her childish handwriting.

You know what I always say, if it isn't written in blood it doesn't count.

Gwen had never had Caribbean coffee before, so I got her a second, then a third and talked her into a fourth before taking her back to my room for further tuition, naturally.

Well, it wasn't my room actually, but the boy that did have the room had been tempted to stay the night elsewhere with a rather ugly but buxom strumpet who was delighted to have some handsome boy pay more attention to her fat arse than anyone had ever done before. Temptation can be tacky, but it is a subject that I have long studied and made it my very own.

I sat Gwen on the end of the bed, pointing out how hot it was in that tiny room, could I be so bold as to help her take off her sweater? Of course I could, she said, it was only natural as she was so hot (oh yes, she was hot, in a naturally innocent sort of way), so I helped her loosen her apparel.

And that's the very point when He put in His appearance, naturally, spoilsport that He is, always was, always will be. I suppose I'd miss Him more than you would if He didn't take an interest in earthly matters any more.

Of course His appearance was not as Biblical as one might expect to be usual between the two immortal beings so opposite in our regard and treatment of these creatures supposedly created in His image.

A "biblical proportion" appearance by the Supreme Being would be disturbing in that place the humans amusingly call the "real world", in much the same way as me showing up in cloven hooves, crimson skin and matching horns would give rise to a less than relaxed attitude towards me by any of my new human acquaintances.

No, His appearance was in the form of a tall and gangly youth, with a shock of curly red hair, wearing boffinish glasses and looking innocently nerd-like. He had a varsity sweatshirt with the number 7 on it, which looked quite cool actually, well, cool for Him, I thought.

I immediately adapted my own clothing to a varsity sweatshirt with the number 666 on it. In the state Gwen was in by then she wouldn't have noticed my instant change of clothing. She only had eyes for Him, and the feeling seemed mutual.

"It's a fair cop," I said to Him, "but now you are here, may I introduce you to my dear friend Gwen?"

"Of course, I would be delighted," He replied politely. He always was unnaturally polite.

As soon as He and Gwen touched hands and looked into each other's eyes, I worked my little bit of temptation magic.

"Have we met before ...?" she said to Him hesitatingly, chewing her lower lips exactly like ... the one whose name I can never mention once did, more than two millennia ago on that previous night they shared.

"You look so familiar," He replied slowly, His mind no doubt full of sweet memories of the past. He was lost in those eyes, so similar to another ... young ... virgin, so long ago. Eyes that He would never forget, but then He never forgot anything.

I let myself out of the room quietly.

Normally, I love to hover at bedroom doors listening proudly to the results of my brilliant temptations, all those lovely unlikely, sometimes amusing, often shocking temptations that I rightly revel in. Naughty, I know, but naughty really IS my thing.

And, while I love to glory in another of my supreme triumphs, probably THE supreme triumph of my everlasting career in the temptations game, I swear that if Gwen screams out "Oh my God!" one more time tonight, then I'm going to be as sick as the Devil can be!