Terri and Jennifer

"Great," said Jen. "I'm so used to being woken up by the kids. It felt great to wake up slowly."

"Yup," agreed Terri. "Hey, I'll wait and we can get breakfast together."

"Oh no...go on ahead," said Jen. "I'll be a little while."

"Well, I'll save you a seat," said Terri as she went back into the room. "Won't take me long to get ready. No socks, remember?"

Jen laughed and headed down the hall. There were two connected parts - the bathrooms and beyond them a set of private shower stalls. Three were in use. Jen visited the other place first and then picked out a stall. It had a small area for dressing, separate from the shower and she put her stuff on the little bench.

Then she took her shirt off..again, she thought. Standing in the cool air with the rush of water, she quickly stripped off her panties and took the soap and shampoo into the shower. After deciphering the inevitably strange faucet (tap? lever?), she stepped into had a weak but warm stream of water that sprayed over her body.

As she routinely scrubbed herself - again, marveling at the privacy of no small children - her mind flashed back occasionally to the night before. Shame. Guilt. Excitement. Paranoia. And hot. It was all mixed together, as always. Once or twice, as the cloth rubbed and the slickness flowed over her body, she thought about it, but didn't really feel in the mood at all. She was happy to wash, get dressed and face a new day. She just hoped Terri wouldn't get bored with her.

Soon she was back out, dressed and dry except for damp hair, and she quickly dashed out of the building to get something to eat before nine.

------

Breakfast was hurried. Terri had saved her a seat, but Jen was too busy wolfing down a bagel and some fruit to talk much, and soon they were all moving in for the morning session. Terri and Jen sat together again.

More singing. Jen knew most of the songs and some were real favorites. She felt a glow. Energized. Alive. This would be a good weekend. She felt a bit guilty about last night of course but...she had been feeling really down. She just had to remember not to give in like that. Maybe she should pray about it later.

Then the speaker began again. Jen was pretty sure she had makeup on. And her hair was disturbingly well-coiffed. She welcomed them all and praised the singing, the day, the weather, the camp, the food and everything else. Then she prayed and said basically the same thing again. Then she continued. "Ladies," she addressed them, with apparently no irony. Jen looked around for her mother. "I don't know about you, but sometimes I really struggle with who I am and God's plan for me." Jen agreed. Standard opening.

"And sometimes I really rebel against that plan." The familiar words rolled through the room and past Jen's head.

"I sometimes forget that God has really called me to a special role as a woman....as a helpmate to my husband and as a nurturer to my children...like he has called many of you." Uh oh. "Not all of us of course are called to that role of course...sometimes God has created a different plan for women that is unique and inspired, and we need to be thankful for that too." Where is this going? Jen was furiously calculating.

"In fact though, the big problem is that too many of us think we've been called for that special and inspired role and forget our first obligations to our husbands and our families." What the Fuck???? Jen blazed with anger.

Forty minutes of fucking bullshit later, Jen was emotionally drained and exhausted. It wasn't all bad of course. Finding ourselves was difficult and too often we drift and lose sight of the real Center. But every time she heard the word "helpmate" she felt nauseous, and every mention of "called to be a nurturer" felt like being raked over the coals. Apparently she was just a big fuckup because she refused to accept the fucking ministry of cleaning the fucking bathtub twice a fucking week. Not that the speaker said that. But Jen knew that was what she meant.

They sang some more but Jen's lungs were as deflated as the rest of her. She felt so hot and mad inside. As the session wound up, she turned to Terri beside her.

"You didn't like that," said Terri.

"No," said Jen.

"I didn't either."

Some of Terri's friends came by and started talking as well. Two thought the speaker was fabulous. The other said she thought some of the things could be taken the wrong way. In fact, as the audience dispersed for some free time before lunch, it was clear to Jen that reactions were very mixed. She left Terri chatting and found some of the women from her church, and talked to them while hearing the conversations around her. She heard some people saying how good it was to really hear a clear message that didn't try to cut corners. She heard occasional doubts and questions. She wondered if anyone else felt quite as hot inside as she did.

Eventually it was time for lunch. She couldn't find Terri and sat with her church..friends? More like acquaintances, especially since some were alarmingly glowing about the speaker. They seemed almost self-flagellating - oh, I've been a bad wife and mother. I need to be doing more. I need to think less of myself. Jen was alert enough to realize not everyone was agreeing, but no one was really challenging the enthusiasts either. She ate and said little herself.

Following longstanding federal church retreat laws, the afternoon was of course free time. Half the lunch table wanted to have a nap. Others talked about reading or going for a walk. It was too cool to go swimming but the lake looked nice. Jen was leaving the dining room when she finally saw Terri.

"Hey," said Terri. "What do you have planned?"

"Nothing," said Jen. "You?"

"Ever go canoeing?" asked Terri.

"A couple of times a long time ago," said Jen. "Do you?"

"A bit," said Terri. "Interested at all? I'll do all the steering of course...you just need to help paddle."

Jen felt a little wary of getting trapped out on a lake with no way to escape, but if she had to be trapped with someone, she wanted it to be Terri. "Sure." It was that or a walk with one of the junior Dr. Lauras.

"Cool," said Terri. They went and got sweaters for the cool breeze, and soon were down at the docks putting on life jackets and unmooring a canoe. Knowing nothing about canoes, Jen thought its red paint looked nice. Terri gave her a quick lesson on J-strokes and why other schools of thought on paddling were wrong, and then some careful instructions on how to step in and kneel. Soon they were off.

---------------------

The lake was beautiful. But it distracted Jen as she tried to paddle, and she made choppy, erratic strokes to the left and right rather than straight back. The canoe rotated and lurched as Terri tried to steer against Jen's pushing and pulling.

"Slow down," said Terri. "Just dip it in slowly...move back...that's it..now over and out." Jen started to burn with frustration under her warm sweater. But Terri kept correcting and slowly Jen managed to get the occasional stroke right. The canoe headed on its erratic course out into deeper water.

She tried to concentrate on the strokes, but let herself watch the smooth still water, with trees from the shore reflecting in the mirrored surface. It grew quieter and quieter, with just the splash of her paddle (Terri's was almost silent) and the lapping of the water. Neither of them spoke. Jen kept trying to get into the rhythm, but each stroke seemed not quite right, hitting the water at the wrong angle or twisting a bit as she followed through, never slipping effortlessly like Terri's.

She turned to look at Terri. "I'm sorry," she said. "I can't do it right."

"No, you're fine, " replied Terri. "It looks so simple but it's really tricky."

Jen smiled and dipped in again. The paddle banged against the canoe. She laughed. Terri laughed too.

"It's okay," said Terri. "Hey, not like it's our canoe anyway." They both laughed again for a moment. Then they were quiet again. It was getting warm.

"We almost didn't need our sweaters," said Jen, turning again to Terri. Bang went the paddle.

Terri agreed. "Try not to look back," she added. "Your whole body turns and so does the paddle."

Jen tried to look straight ahead, watching the canoe slide through the stillness. She began thinking again..about the morning..about last night. She reddened a bit at the memory of her masturbating in the bed right beside Terri. Glad she was already warm. She also thought of the speaker, and all her apparent fans. She burned some more. She couldn't see Terri behind her, and wondered if she should break the beautiful silence.

It was Terri who spoke next. "Are you having a good time?" she asked.

"Wonderful" replied Jen truthfully, despite her erratic paddling. She kept facing forward and concentrated on the rhythm.

"Me too," said Terri. "I just love nature. And it's good to get away from crowds sometimes."

Jen agreed.

Terri went on. "I thought maybe you were ready to get away too."

Jen looked back at Terri, trying not to twist the paddle. "What do you mean?" she asked.

Terri looked at her. "I don't think you liked the speaker very much. In fact, I think she really upset you."

Jen stopped paddling. "Yes," she said quietly. "You said you didn't like her either."

Terri stopped too. "I don't think it's a very helpful message to a lot of people." She paused and went on. "I guess for some people...some women... it just fits their lives perfectly. But they don't seem to realize that it doesn't fit others. That..." her voice trailed off for a second. "...that no matter how hard we try, we just can't fit in that way...and how it's not a bad thing...that we're not being rebellious or horrible somehow."

Jen almost forgot to breathe. "Yes," she said. She focused on Terri's "we". The canoe began to drift but neither of them noticed...Jen looking back at Terri and Terri looking at her.

Terri continued, "Anyway...I think we both kinda felt that...I thought."

Jen answered, "Yes, we did."

They were both quiet for a while, looking at each other. Then Jen said, "Terri...do you still struggle with all that stuff..about being a wife, a mother, having to figure out your life? Does it ever go away?"

"It never goes away," said Terri. "But I guess you deal with it." They both smiled at each other.

The canoe had drifted down the lake. They saw a small sandy beach coming closer. "Maybe we could take a little break," said Terri. "Want to paddle over there?" Jen agreed. She was awfully warm and her arms and shoulders were already aching.

Terri expertly steered toward the shore and they soon bumped against the bottom. Terri held the canoe steady and Jen stepped out right onto dry land. She then leaned over and held the canoe, but Terri still got one foot right in the water. "I guess it's good I wasn't wearing socks," she said, taking off her soaking shoe.

They pulled the canoe up onto the beach. The sand was warm in the sun and Jen was now downright hot and sweating. She pulled her sweater up over her head and off, her tee underneath briefly lifting up to expose her bellybutton to the cool breeze. It felt good all over. She turned and looked at Terri, who had done the same and was using her sweater to dry her wet foot.

"This is a nice spot," said Jen, looking out onto the lake. There were no cabins nearby and it seemed to be a natural beach. She saw the remains of a campfire and a beer can. "I guess it's the secret hangout."

Terri agreed, "Probably where the teenagers hang out in the summer." She sat down and stretched back in the sun. "It's so warm."

"I know, " said Jen. "I can't believe how hot and sweaty I got paddling." She sat down beside Terri. They were both in tee shirts and jeans and Terri seemed a bit red herself. They were both still and quiet for a moment, looking out at the lake.

Then Jen said, "Terri, it is so awesome that we ended up together like this. I mean...this weekend has not been what I expected, in so many different ways. But I'm so glad I met you."

Terri smiled....but a different smile, more cautious and less confident than usual. "I'm glad, too," she said. "You've been...you've been good for me."

Jen was puzzled. "Really?"

"Really."

They were quiet for a while again. Then Terri said, "We just met, but...I guess I identify a lot with you...I think maybe we have a lot of the same struggles."

"About the whole wife, mom, domestic robot thing..." said Jen.

"Yes," Terri agreed. "And..." she trailed off. "Yes. Just struggling to understand ourselves."

Jen smiled. She was beginning to feel cool again but hardly noticed. Terri turned away and looked out at the lake.

"Jen," she said.

"Yes?"

"Do you struggle with...other things too...?" asked Terri.

Jen suddenly felt frozen. She turned away toward the lake too. "Like..." The silence was suddenly horrible.

Terri said softly, "I was awake last night."

Jen felt like ice and said nothing.

"It's okay," said Terri. "It really is okay."

Jen was ready to burst into tears. "Terri...I'm so sorry."

"No," said Terri. Then she suddenly smiled and forced a little laugh. "Although, I suppose it probably broke some etiquette rules." Jen smiled a little in response. Terri took another breath and said, more boldly, "Normally we shouldn't play with ourselves until we've known the person we're with for...for.. at least a day." She forced another little laugh.

Jen suddenly went back from cold to hot. Her emotions were now really jumbled. Terri knew she had been playing with herself. Terri had heard everything, and probably saw quite a bit too...certainly the shirt...maybe even Jen topless...her breasts bare and her hands fingering her nipples and inside her panties. Jen was embarrassed. And shocked. And livid at herself. And wondering.

She laughed a bit too. "Um...I don't know what to say."

Terri smiled again, a more natural smile. "You obviously thought I was asleep."

"Oh yeah," said Jen. "I just...I don't know....I just felt...oh I don't know. It just happened," she said lamely.

Terri was still staring out at the lake. "It's okay. I mean, it's one of the biggest secrets of all that normal women play with themselves...that they struggle with sexuality and sexual feelings."

Jen agreed, then thought more about it. "I think I know what you're saying."

Terri turned and looked at her. "Are you sure?" she said.

Jen wasn't quite sure, but was really wondering now. "Well," she said. "I've definitely had...some struggles." Neither cold nor hot now, Jen felt a strange electricity inside her.

"Me too," said Terri. "Big struggles."

Jen felt almost outside her own body, watching the two of them together on that beach...warm and sweaty, disheviled in their tee shirts, ruddy and healthy in their jeans, and alone..just the two of them...talking unbelievably about masturbation and sex. Then, back in her own body, she could feel the electricity again..both inside and outside on her skin. She almost wanted to blurt out everything...even...even...about Brenda. But she held back.

Terri turned to Jen, but cast her eyes down. "Jen," she said. "Whatever you were doing last night...it freaked me out but it also just opened up a whole lot of my own thoughts and fears...not just about sex..and playing with myself...but just, even some other stuff I can't even talk about." She looked aside, not meeting Jen's gaze.

But while Terri weakened, Jen felt stronger. "I think you can, Terri. I think...I think you can tell me anything," she replied, looking right at Terri. "I think we all have stuff we feel no one else understands." She moved closer to Terri. "That we feel so ashamed of, but can't deny either." She gently put her hand on Terri's shoulder.

Terri looked up. "Really?"

"Really," Jen said. Without really thinking, she began to rub Terri's shoulder. She couldn't believe how strong and confident she felt. How alive. After a pause she asked, "Terri...do you ever find yourself attracted to other women?"

Terri put her hand on Jen's to stop it rubbing. She still looked down. "Yes," she said. Another pause. "Jen..do...you?"

Jen spoke very softly. "Yes." It was so silent. She could feel her heart thudding, her body flushed.

Terri spoke again. "It's just...just something that I can't seem to shake...no matter how much I pray..I ask for it to go away. And then...last night..." she trailed off.

"I'm so sorry," said Jen. "That was such a stupid and awful thing to do."

"No..." answered Terri. "It's okay. I was....I was already..." she trailed off again.

"What?" asked Jen.

Terri looked up at her. "I was already excited." Her hand was still on Jen's.

There was no talking now. Neither of them dared to speak or move. They were on the edge of a precipice. Jen was scared...almost shaking...but yet felt so alive...so excited...so wonderful. She could feel it all over her body..her skin chilled with goosebumps, her face flushed with blood...even...her breasts and nipples reacting...and...an unmistakable wetness below. She thought of how close they had been last night...how Terri saw her masturbating, saw her pleasuring herself, touching her own naked body. And at that moment, she wanted nothing more than to be naked with Terri..open, vulnerable, trusting and exploring with Terri.

Terri gazed back at her. They slowly removed their hands.

"We should get back," said Jen.

"Yes," Terri agreed.

They got back in the canoe and launched themselves, slowly paddling back, Jen still muddling things and Terri quietly guiding them back down the lake. They said as few words as possible, both knowing each others' unspoken thoughts. Eventually they donned their sweaters in the cool breeze. Soon they were back at the dock, both too overwhelmed to know what to say.

-----

It was nearly dinnertime. Jen hadn't realized how long they were gone. She went first to the bathroom while Terri returned to their room; when Jen got there, Terri was gone. She headed for dinner alone. At the dining hall, she saw Terri in line. She followed, and they again joined Terri's friends.

"Where were you guys all afternoon?" one of them asked.

"Canoeing on the lake – it was so beautiful," answered Terri. She looked at Jen, "Wasn't it?" She seemed as cool as a cucumber. But suddenly Terri looked away from Jen; like she couldn't quite look her in the eye.

Jen agreed. The others discussed their afternoon and the conversation bantered around.

After dinner, yet another session. They scraped their plates and headed for the chapel for another round with Mrs. Perfection. Jen couldn't think of anywhere she's rather less be, but at least...at least she could avoid having to talk with Terri.

As they entered, Terri took her arm and turned her into the back row. "Here," she said. "You can escape easier if you want." They sat together..hips touching on the narrow seats. Jen closed her eyes.

The songs were good, but Jen couldn't sing. She felt...so unsure inside. One thought, two thoughts, fourteen, fifteen, more, all twisted up together in her stomach.

And soon Ms. Perfection began. Hair and makeup still flawless. Now it was about....Jen couldn't believe it....sexuality. Perfect wife. Perfect submission. Making sure we didn't contribute to lustful male feelings, unless they were our husbands, in which case we need to satisfy them ASAP. How we dressed. Chastity for our daughters. Abstinence. Love Waits. Men are different. We need to be perfect to help them. The problems come when we don't play our godly wife roles. We must submit to their masculine needs, help them avoid temptation. The idea that a woman might want to masturbate wasn't covered. Women loving women was definitely not mentioned, though there was a general "worldly perversions" category.