Tess and Josh

* * * * *

Chapter 2: Almost Perfect

Tess treasured her first real kiss from Josh, and regarded it as her just reward for the changes she had made in her life. But oh, she'd had to wait for it. It had been six weeks before she'd even been alone with Josh again, and then another four weeks before they'd had anything that remotely resembled a date. She'd got to spend plenty of time with him, but it was always either at church, or with family or friends around them. But little by little, ever so slowly, Josh had slowly started to open himself to her.

Finally, three months after she got out of hospital, he'd taken her out on a proper date, to a lovely restaurant, and then, sitting in the car outside her house, he'd finally turned to her and gently but ever so definitely, he'd kissed her slowly on the lips. And then she had held him and cried. As kisses went, it was, well, it wasn't much of a kiss at all; but no kiss had ever had more meaning to her.

When she giggled, Josh had to ask "Well, you cry, and then it's funny?"

"Oh, I was thinking of that kiss in The Princess Bride. Josh, I'm just so happy."

"That kiss?"

"Yeah, you know, the one that rated as the most romantic kiss there ever was. That one probably wasn't, but it's absolutely the best kiss I've ever had." She rested her head on his shoulder.

Eventually Josh tilted her head up and looked into her eyes. "Before we go any further, we need to talk."

Tess looked at him and nodded. She'd known that this was coming, but she wasn't looking forward to it.

"Tess, you're an amazing woman. The more that I know you, the more impressed I am. I really want to get to know you a whole lot better. But I don't know how we can do this."

"Why?" Tess was sure what the answer was, but she wanted to know how he would put it.

"Well, you're a very sexual person. You're used to sex. But I'm keeping myself until I get married. I don't know whether I can ever satisfy you, and right now, I think it will be too hard for you to have a relationship that doesn't include sex."

Tess maneuvered herself around so she was as close to his front as she could, and looked intensely into his eyes. "Josh, I'm already more satisfied than I ever have been, and that's just with a hint of a kiss, so set your mind at rest on that score. But you're right, I don't know whether I can do that. Why is it so important? Why don't we just do it now?"

She felt Josh pulling trying to pull away for her, but she leaned into him so that he couldn't. "It's a matter of principle. Jesus died for me, and he's asked me to do this little thing. Ok, this not so little thing. But if I don't hold to my principles in my heart, why do I bother having them? I have to do this, I have to be true to Jesus."

Tess kissed him very tenderly. "That's a real good answer." She sighed. "If only you really knew what you are asking from me."

"I don't think I even know what I'm asking from myself. That's why I'm concerned."

"Well, OK, we need some rules. How about no means no?"

Josh laughed. "Yeah, I'll struggle with that one." One of the things he liked about Tess was her sense of humor.

"Tess, for now, just teach me to kiss, nothing more."

"You've never kissed a girl?"

"Well, I kind of had a girlfriend once, but it just didn't really work out, and I feel very unsure about this."

Tess was intrigued by this concept. In every other respect Josh was so confident and in control, but here he was unsure about kissing. But when she started thinking about kissing Josh, she suddenly felt a little unsure. Who was she to teach kissing? "Well, I've kissed a lot of guys, but it's never really been the main event, as it were. Forget about teaching, let's just do it." Tess leaned in and really kissed Josh for the first time.

* * * * *

The next two months were almost perfect for Tess. Finally, she and Josh were really boyfriend and girlfriend. They did dates, they went to the gym together, they went to church together, it was great. Everyone said that they were a great pair. And Tess was actually enjoying church, enjoying that side of things too.

During this time, the church Sunday school put on a performance for all the families. Tess got right into the presentation. Not only did she stage manage the whole show, and organize the music with Josh, when the younger girl that was one of the leads fell ill at the last minute, Tess stepped in a played the lead herself.

After the performance, as she was getting congratulations from the audience for the show, she wondered to herself what she would have said to someone if they had told her six months earlier that she would be producing and leading the Sunday school presentation, she would have thought they were crazy, or at the least, very insulting. Yet here she was, not merely doing it, but enjoying it a lot. It meant a lot to her to see the smiles on the faces of the kids and their parents, and to stand next to Josh sharing the rewards with him.

Tess had been surprised to find that her friends at university also liked Josh. You could always tell that he didn't really fit in with them at the few parties she dragged him along to, but if they were playing sport or making music – something they did a lot of - together, Josh fitted right in, and pretty soon her friends were quite keen to see Josh, even after they found out that he was a serious Christian.

But things were only almost perfect. Tess knew there was something missing from her relationship with Josh, and it wasn't hard to know what it was. Josh had turned into an expert kisser. Well, perhaps it was better to say that they had figured out together exactly how to really get each other worked up. And there was the problem. Tess was just so worked up. It was lovely to spend good kissing time with Josh, trying to get their bodies to share the same space, but that was all they did, and looking after herself with her trusty bedside friend wasn't enough.

They had a rule: underwear on. That meant that underwear stayed on and hands stayed off those areas. And that rule was driving Tess nuts. She'd decided to take it slow and steady with Josh, and they had, and she wasn't sorry that she'd done that. She still felt incredibly lucky to have Josh, but she felt as though he was still holding back from her, that he wasn't completely involved with her. But she just couldn't push through the barriers he'd put in place.

There was another problem too. It was fine to go to church; even fun most of the time. But there was so much pressure to be good, to always do the right thing. Tess just wanted to put her hair down and party for a change. Wanderlust, she'd heard it called, and she knew what it meant now, but she'd known that it was going to be like this, known that this was the price of Josh, and it was a price she was very happy to pay. Nearly.

* * * * *

It started innocently enough. She ran into Rach at university, an old friend that she'd once been a rock-chick with. They'd arranged to have coffee after their lectures finished on the Friday. On the Friday, Tess had been supposed to work till the library closed on an assignment, and then head over to Liz's house to meet with Josh, but Rach had invited to her to a send-off party for Ben, an ex of both them who was heading off on a round the world trip. It had sounded like fun, and she figured she'd head over there for a couple of hours, then head over the see Josh, and do the assignment some other time.

There were only a couple of people there, just kicking back and having a good time. Tess spent ages talking to Rach and Ben, catching up with all the news, as she'd got rather out of the loop in the last few months. A few more people arrived to talk to, and by the time she got round to checking the time, it was a little after she was supposed to meet with Josh, but what with all the good stuff she'd had, she was very mellow indeed, and it was probably best if she waited a bit before driving.

When she saw Ben taking Rach's top off, it sent a delicious feel of naughtiness down her spine. This was what she'd been missing. Rach leaned back into Ben, and he started to caress her breasts as they kept talking. It was right around then that they all started a round of tequila slammers, and the night really took off.

Tess awoke in her own bed feeling absolutely terrible. She didn't recall feeling this bad before. In fact, she didn't recall very much of anything. Fortunately, she had her own toilet attached to the bedroom, and she just made it there before throwing up. Then she relieved herself, drank from the tap in the sink, and collapsed back into bed.

The door opened and closed, and Josh came over and sat on her bed. Tess turned to look and saw that he was rather upset. She did her best, and got herself nearly sitting up, looking at him, and then she moaned.

In a low quiet voice, Josh said "We need to talk."

Tess moaned again. "Josh, wha.."

"Do you have anything you want to say to me?"

Tess tried to assemble her thoughts. She had a bad feeling about this. "Oh man, I went to a party, and I think I got pretty smashed. I'm sorry." She paused, and knew she just had to go on. "I think I might have had sex. It feels like I did."

"Look at this."

Josh thrust his mobile phone into her face. Once she could focus on the phone, the picture showing on the phone brought memories of last night back with a crash. She remembered Rach going off to screw Ben. She remembered how she wanted a piece of the action when they came back. She remembered how she stripped and rode Ben right there in front of the audience. She remembered how good it felt to be bad, how good it felt to be filled again. She remembered how she'd tried to figure out a good lie for not meeting Josh. The picture on the phone was of her riding Ben, completely naked, and quite obviously drunk and in the midst of an orgasm.

Tess screamed, a scream of pure horror at what she'd done, and fell forward onto the bed. When her breath ran out, Josh said, in that same quiet tone of voice, "So, now I know you for the slut that you are. This was all stupid from the beginning. I'm done with you."

And then he walked out, slamming the door behind him.

* * * * *

Chapter 3: Forgiveness

On the Sunday night, Liz finally got hold of Josh. Neither Josh nor any of Tess' family had come to church, highly unusual for Tess' family. When church had finished, she'd called both of them, and left messages. She'd been very busy in the afternoon, and it was just after dinner that she finally found that Josh was up at his parent's farm. His mother put him on.

"Hi Josh."

"Hello".

Liz couldn't believe how flat Josh's voice was.

"Josh, what's wrong?"

"Tess."

He went to say something else, but stopped.

Liz's heart fell. "Oh no, what happened? What did she do?"

There was a long silence. Eventually Josh said "I guess it's over. Liz, you need to talk to Tess. I think she'll need you."

Then he just hung up. Liz checked, still no response from Tess, so she called Tess' home, and her mother answered.

"Hi, it's Liz. Do you know where Tess is?"

"No, we don't know where Tess is."

"Please, I really need to talk to her, and she's not answering her phone."

"Sorry."

Liz didn't like the tone of that answer, there was something seriously wrong here.

"Josh asked me to talk to her. Do you have any idea where she is?"

Tess' mother burst into tears.

"Please, what is going on there?"

Eventually, Tess' mother replied. "Tess got in really late on Friday night. Early Saturday morning, Josh charged into the house and into her room. He was in there about 30 seconds, then she screamed and he charged straight back out of the house. Since then she's been hiding under her desk wailing for two whole days. She won't speak to any one. She's a total mess."

"I'm coming straight round."

Liz was shocked when she entered Tess' room. It was far worse than her mother had made it sound. Tess was curled up in a fetal position under her desk looking at the wall, sobbing, wearing only panties. Her hair was all in knots, and the room stank. Liz carefully approached Tess. Her mum had said that when she had tried to move Tess, Tess had screeched like a rabid cat and scratched her. A good one on the face, Liz had seen it.

Liz sat down on the floor next to Tess, and watched her for a minute. Her breathing was irregular, and the floor was wet where she'd been crying, and she hadn't even turned to see who had come into her room. She couldn't see anything physically wrong with Tess, but she couldn't imagine being so upset that she'd end up like this.

"Tess, I brought you some coffee". She spoke quietly and gently.

"Get out of my room." Tess' voice was slow and empty of all life.

"So, we're back there again. I'm not going to leave, I love you and I'm worried about you."

"I'm not worth it."

"But you do want coffee right?"

Tess froze, and then nodded her head.

"Ok, sit up, and I'll give it to you."

Eventually, Tess wriggled out from under the desk, and sat up. Liz moved closer, and put her arm around Tess to support her while she sipped at her coffee.

Liz watched as Tess started to calm down, trying to figure out what to say next. She was surprised when Tess spoke first.

"I've wrecked everything."

Liz started to disagree, but Tess cut her off. "Don't argue, you've got no idea. Everything is totally ruined. I'm such a slut."

Liz felt that at least Tess was talking. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

Tess started to speak, and then suddenly burst into tears. She leaned against Liz's chest and cried great wails of sadness. Eventually she calmed down and started telling Liz what happened. It took nearly twenty minutes for her to tell Liz, what with all the interruptions to cry again, and her t-shirt was soaked by the time Tess had finished.

"So, you see why everything is wrecked. There's no way that I can ever have anything to do with Josh again. I've betrayed him so badly."

Liz was close to losing control of herself. She pretty much agreed with Tess, and she was disgusted with Tess. But when Tess said "I guess you hate me too now", she had to stop and think about the forgiveness that Jesus had shown to her and everyone else.

"Tess, Jesus can forgive you, and I can forgive you too."

Tess looked at her in surprise. "You're kidding? I'm sitting here thinking that if Jesus was real, he would've hit me with a bolt of lightning and finished me off after what I did."

"No way, if he hit you with anything it would be a bolt of love. Why would you think that?"

"Because that's what Mum always says will happen because I am a sinner."

"Later I'm going to get a Bible out and show you how wrong that is. Just ignore your mum; you do all the rest of the time. But Jesus is real. Why go to church if you aren't sure?"

"For Josh. Do you think Josh will forgive me?" The way Tess asked made it clear that she thought that there was no chance of that.

"Yes, he might."

"He told me, I was a slut and we're through."

"Tess, you think he was a little angry?"

"Umm, yeah."

"Of course he was. You've hurt him real real bad. But he's a guy, he can pull through."

"It's still all over. I am a slut, and he can never trust me again. I can't even trust myself anymore."

Liz didn't have anything to say in response to that. She grabbed a hair brush and started brushing Tess' hair; she'd always loved that and it would help relax her. When she finished, she could feel that Tess was a little calmer.

"Tess, I'd be more comfortable if you were wearing a few more clothes. How about you have a shower, and I'll clean up in here, and then we go out for a run?"

Tess looked down at her nearly naked self, and then turned around and kissed Liz on the cheek. "Ok. Thanks for being my friend."

Liz cleaned the bathroom while Tess showered, and then fetched her running gear from her car. Liz could tell how off balance Tess was when she was able to keep with Tess on the run.

Liz spent all evening with Tess, knowing that she was still very fragile. She curled up into a ball several times during the evening, and it took all Liz's wits to bring her back each time. She did get her Bible out and show Tess how wrong she was about Jesus. At the end of the evening, she was wondering how she could leave, when Tess said "Liz, can you do me a huge favour? I used to sleep with someone else in the bed sometimes, and I haven't had anyone do that for months. Tonight is going to be a bad night, and I'd feel so much better if you were here with me."

Liz knew that 'sleep with me' didn't mean 'Sleep with me' in that sense, but she still wasn't real sure it was a good idea. But her heart went out to Tess, and it would make it easier to get Tess to do what she wanted her to do in the morning.

* * * * *

Tess was nearly hyperventilating by the time that Liz pulled her car into the driveway of Josh's farm. She'd said it herself that she needed to apologize to Josh in person, and she'd agreed to come, but the closer they got, the more nervous Tess had become.

Liz went in the farmhouse, and Josh's Dad said that he was on top a hill out the back of the farm. Liz knew the hill, Josh had taken a group of them there to see the view once, and she knew how to get there, so she drove along the farm track to the bottom of the hill.

"Tess, you're going up to say sorry and good bye, right?"

"Err, yeah."

"So, you're just going to walk away – what you have with Josh is not worth fighting for?"

"Liz, don't do this to me. There's no chance."

"At least talk to him. That's all I'm saying."

As they approached, they heard gun shots, and when Liz stopped the car, she saw some dead rabbits waiting to get picked up.

"Tess, he's got a gun."

"I figured that."

Tess got out, and steeled herself. "Don't wait here."

"Tess, what if he shoots you?"

Tess looked at Liz somberly. "It's what I deserve. But he won't shoot me." And then she turned her back to Liz, and started making her way up the hill towards Josh.

Liz couldn't watch. She turned around and drove back to the farmhouse, went and sat at the kitchen table and burst into tears.

* * * * *

Tess slowly climbed the hill. It wasn't very big, but it was certainly steep, and though the grass was short, there were many rocks, big and small, on the ground, and the going was tough. She looked around as she stopped for a breather. This was a desolate place. She could see some sheep on the farm far off, but other than that there was nothing but hills and grass – and it was dry, so dry. The breeze was brisk enough to mess her hair up. This place was so bleak, yet in its stark bleakness there was a certain beauty. Josh had spoken of it, but he'd never brought her out here.

"Freedom is when you have nothing left to lose."

Tess spoke the words of that old song to herself. Had she lost everything already? She just didn't know. Once she thought she had freedom, valued it above all else, but now she wasn't sure what freedom even meant. She sighed and started walking up the hill again. She heard a gun shot ahead, and turned a little towards the sound.

When she approached the top of the hill, she could hear Josh playing the guitar. When she got close enough, she could see him sitting against a rock, with a couple of guns and a pack by his feet. He was watching her, but he kept playing his guitar and started singing. She knew the song, Hey You off The Wall.

Hey you, standing in the cold

When she got to about 10 feet away, she sat down against a rock of her own, still watching him as he continued singing.

Hey you, don't help them to wreck your life

Don't give in without a fight.

She shivered. She'd always loved the guitar in this song, that sad haunting riff, and Josh played it well.