Testing Times for Nikita and Roger

I had to spend the night in the same room that I had dreamed of making our own with Nikita as my legally wedded wife. But it was to be next to him tonight. Fortunately, I was able to get over this weird feeling quickly. As in the hospital, I sat awake for a few hours, just watching him and praying for him. I also noticed the photograph of Nikita's mother on the wall. I got up, bowed to the woman who I regarded as my mother-in-law, and thanked her for bringing into the world a girl as gifted and noble as this wonderful daughter of hers. Despite my obvious embarrassment, I also sought mummy's blessings for the hand of her daughter, at an appropriate time she chose. I promised to mummy that I would give to her daughter what had always been her due.

The jailor of the prison was not understanding, as usual, and this came as no surprise. She rang me up at 5 am asking me when I would return, as if she had missed our customary fuck of each night! Or that I had been in sexual union with Nikita the whole night. When I lie on the same bed as my jailor, separated by a huge cylindrical pillow atop two normal pillows between us, no light passing through and the two of us totally hidden from each other, she has never spared a thought for me. And today, she was showing some unknown, misplaced concern for God knows what. I waited for Nikita to get up. I did not want to wake her up too soon. Finally I knocked at the door of her bedroom. Perhaps, I should not have, for, she came out almost in panic. I told her all was well. And there, right in front of me, she put her hands inside her t-shirt to do up her bra, which she customarily unhooks each night before bedtime. For the first time ever on such an occasion, I turned my eyes away and walked into the drawing room. I knew she understood. She always does. She is so indulgent with me.

She insisted on me having a cup of tea before I left. How could I refuse the offer, even though I told her not to bother? I have always loved eating out of her hands. It was at that moment that it struck me how much frailer she had become these last few days. She has always been thin but I found her too weak for my comfort. Some years back, I would not have noticed. For any other woman, I would not have noticed even today. But in her case, just a casual glance today was enough for me to size up her state of health. I told her about this and she remonstrated as usual, saying all was well. As I left, I kissed her on the side of her head and asked her to take care.

Each time I visited them, I found her so dedicated and devoted in her duty. And each time I felt guilty that it was me who made them drift apart. I was sure that I had not done so knowingly, but yet, even if I had unwittingly caused their distancing, I must take the blame. I had accompanied her to the hospital and then to the market for some sundry purchases for him. Howsoever much as I would have hated to do so, I somehow irritated her with an overdose of concern. May be, I even conveyed an impression of shamming. My God knows that my concern and desire to care for her were genuine. She told me that what was happening to her was her destiny. I was hurt. I knew that things had changed. I knew that no matter how much I insisted that our destinies were intertwined, there had apparently been irreversible changes in the ECG of our relationship. And yet, I told her not to say that again. I argued that no matter what the future had in store for us, there never could be a change in how we felt for each other.

And yet, I knew that this was secondary. Our primary duty was towards Peter at that point of time. She dropped me at the office and went home. I learnt later that on the way, she stopped by at the Church. For a moment, I felt a bit hurt again that she did not tell me about her desire to go to the church. I had also wanted to accompany her. In fact, I had wanted us to go to a Church even before we went home from the Infirmary a few days back. But I tried to understand. Perhaps, she wanted to pray in solitude, perhaps she wanted privacy. Perhaps she did not want a less than pious relationship to stand between herself, her husband and her God. I could relate to her innermost feelings. And I told myself that I had to learn, I had to get used. I remonstrated with myself that I must learn to respect her individuality. I thought of her frail health and spoke to her later that day and pleaded with her to take care of herself. I requested her, beseeched her, prayed to her, folded my hands and told her to take care of herself, as that was important for all of us. She is such a sweetheart. She understood. Her greatness lies in her admitting unhesitatingly if she feels she was not right – such occasions when she is not right are so rare, though! She promised to me that she would take care.

It was my turn to be "funny" again. My sense of guilt had been weighing down upon me all these days. In my short conversations with her, I had been mentioning about this. That day, I told her that I felt responsible for the mess that she was in. She gave me a good and well deserved dressing down. She argued in so many ways to prove that such thinking was ill-founded. She told me that such negative thoughts on my part could take away my supportive role. She talked to me a few minutes while I was on my way back to the prison. I saw reason. I knew I was wrong. I realised that I still had some position in her world, albeit with adjustments that her recent ordeals had necessitated. My behaviour next day was much better. I knew I had to be of support to her. I had been telling her that I wanted to be her strength not her embarrassment, but perhaps I had been acting in a manner quite to the contrary. She had yet again instilled wisdom in me, even in her grave hour of crisis. Was she really human? I was convinced that she was my angel.

We had a chat on the telephone in the afternoon, when she reiterated what I meant to her. She repeatedly told me that her relationship with me would ever remain the same, regardless of everything else. I was back to what I had been. I felt so much stronger again and ready for the challenges lying ahead. She had made my perspective clear. How can I admire this woman enough!

The first follow up meeting with the doctor from the Infirmary took place a few days later. It was such a relief. He was so encouraging with his words. All three of us were so pleased and relieved. Peter was better now. I promised to myself once again that I would continue to contribute my mite in this struggle, in whatever humble manner possible. Happy days must come back into their life. Whether or not I have a place in the whole scheme of things was not material. She had given me so much. I owed so much to her. How could I want anything more from her? It was time to give, to reduce the debit balance in my balance sheet before the business got closed down.

She went out with the little one in the evening. I liked this. Both of them needed some time together. I waited in office for her to return and tell me how it all went. Something within told me this outing will be good for our little one. It was late in the evening when she returned. It had been a good outing. She told me about the little one asking to be taken for a lunch in Le Meridien by me, something I had often been doing earleir. I was thrilled. I had tears of joy again in my eyes.

As I had a marriage to attend in the evening on Friday, I decided to visit Peter in the afternoon. It was nice to see him well and smiling. Nikita had complained to me that he had been pestering her for some VCDs and that she would have to come along with me on my return. On the way, she showed some bitterness at the attitude of Peter. Undoubtedly, the attitude left much to be desired. He should not be so demanding. But then, he has got used to a way of life and it would be futile to expect him to change overnight. I pacified her on the way. She was regretful, and rightly so. Despite her doing so much, if he wants her to visit markets for such weird errands, it certainly is unfair. I kept telling her to cool down and assured her that things would improve. I kept reminding her about our goal of seeing him okay shortly.

She appreciated. I dropped her back home. While on my way back, she spoke to me on phone. It was nice to hear her voice. She wanted to say so much to me, and I am always a good listener when it comes to her. We continued the conversation even after I returned to my office. Only now, we could be more free, with the intruding ears of my chauffeur absent. It was a lovely little talk that we had. For some reason, we felt encouraged to talk as of the yore. We both were unequivocal in declaring our love for each other. And yet, I had lingering doubts, still. The love was there, would always be there, but were we destined to live this love? Was it right? Was I not sinning? I told her how much I cared for her. I even told her of my confidence that she will come home one day, that Peter will give her to me one day. I could not tell her though, of my own growing lack of conviction in this belief. I told her how much I wanted her. I even expressed my desire to cuddle her, kiss her and make her sleep on my arm. We discussed also the need for the two of us to spend time together. She kept articulating her appreciation of me, various facets of me. I knew she needed all the love I was capable of giving her, and a lot more. I thanked God for these most precious moments today and wished that Peter recover even faster. I knew the challenge was even bigger now. I was happy that the very presence of my Nikita makes me urge so much for giving her all the love in the world, all the care in the world....

Peter had been pestering Nikita still. He wanted her to buy a chair from the market. My poor sweetheart, she had no option but to go on the errand, first to the bank and then to the market. The evening was fruitful in a way that I valued immensely. I had a little session with my daughters. My little one also joined in discussion about a lunch that we planned after Sonalika's exam. She even smiled at me....

Nikita wanted me to spend sometime with her the next day, a Sunday and my birthday. My birthdays have long ceased to mean anything to me, but Nikita always values this day. I promised that I would come in the afternoon and have lunch cooked by her. That would be the best way ever that I spent this day. But then, my jailor had other plans. She resented the idea of my having a lunch cooked by my LOVE..... I did not want my jailor to curse the noblest woman on earth, not today..... I decided I would not go for lunch. But I also decided not to have lunch.... My jailor must know what Nikita means to me. I went to see Peter late in the evening. Nikita whispered her wishes at the door. My day was made. She was later to touch my arm softly in the lift. I felt so good, so wanted, so loved.

This visit was memorable for a few moments that I spent with my elder daughter. I knocked at the door and entered her room. She was lying on her back and studying, but sprang to a sitting position as soon as she saw me. I remonstrated with her again against studying in prostate position. The sweet kid just confided that she was too tired in the head and slid back on the bed again. I kneeled down and massaged her forehead a bit. She closed her eyes for a moment. She obviously enjoyed my affection. For some reason, I have been feeling that my Sonalika loves being demonstrative with me. It was such a proud moment for me... And I was so happy. I could not have asked for a better and more valuable gift for my birthday. I have been so assiduously collecting happy memories these last few days. I know they will be of great value when the chips get down and I am back to my solitary confinement. Yes, Sonalika, I want all the happiness and success for you, my sweetest little daughter!

Nikita was to join office the next day. I offered to take Peter for his weekly blood check up in the morning. She was getting ready for office. She looked so pretty with her hair freshly shampooed. I saw again how wonderful a wife she is. She picked up Peter's footwear and brought it to the drawing room. My jailor would never have done that.... But then, that was what God allocated to me when he was doing allotments. The demanding 'man' came to the fore again a little later, when he wanted flowers on the next Sunday. Nikita and Mona dismissed the idea simultaneously, almost in a duet. I told her to pray before she left for office. Soon she left for office, taking Mona along, to drop her at the school. How caring she is, to all.

The last few weeks have done much to wring the very essence of life out of me. But I believe that I have come out a better human being. Quite unknown to me, my approach to life these last few years had become rather self-centric. It was my own happiness, fulfilment of my own dreams and wishes that had come to occupy the frontal position in my life. Even though I always deluded myself that it was her happiness that I wanted, the implicit linkage of her happiness with mine meant that I was dreaming of my own happiness. I know now how wrong I was, in my relationship with the noblest soul on earth. All this has changed now. I feel happy that it is the deep desire for happiness and welfare of Nikita that has begun to drive my existence these last few weeks. I want her happy, at any cost, with, without or despite me. And I feel so very comfortable with this. When I worried about my own dreams, I was so insecure. Not so much now. For, after I ceased to worry about myself, those fears of the unknown have left. I am now ready for anything that destiny decides to give me. But I would accept no compromise on her happiness. It is my sacred duty. I will perform it, to the best of my ability, till my last breath. She is too good to enjoy less than total happiness. I am secondary. She is the focus of my existence now. I know that whatever happens, I will always have a privileged corner in her heart. I will be perfectly happy in that little corner. I will wait.....