That Which You Don't Have...

"I should be going. Linda, I'll talk to you soon."

Linda walked Carol to the door. Carol gave me a dirty look, said nothing to me, and left.

"Sorry for barging in on you, I didn't mean to cut your evening short." I told her.

"Don't be silly Frank. This is your home too."

Home. When was the last time she or I had referred to the house as home?

"Did you eat?" she asked me. She had some leftovers from the meal she and Carol obviously had shared. I picked at some of the food while she busied herself cleaning up the kitchen.

"How are you?" I asked.

She sat down. "I'm fine, I think. I invited Carol over to talk, but she just confused me more."

"Oh?"

"She wanted me to kick you out, change the locks and divorce your ass."

"Hmmm. Well my key still works so I take it you haven't had time to call the locksmith?"

She laughed. "Don't be silly. I had to explain to her that I was the one that asked for a divorce. After I had told you that, what rights do I have on you? I gave you up, didn't I?"

She looked deeply into my eyes. That last part was a question she was desperate to know the answer to. I wanted to jump up and allay her fears. Tell her that I was still hers. But I didn't. I said nothing. In the past my intentions would have pushed her away. Maybe this new plan of non-committal would have a different effect on her.

Changing subjects I called an audible and changed plans. "Oh, bad news I'm afraid. My date for tomorrow night canceled on me. Now I'm stuck with concert tickets. Maybe you would like to go with me instead?"

He face lit up. "Oh Frank! I would love to! That is if you want me to..."

I shrugged. "It would be a waste. Maybe I can give them away to someone at work..."

"No!" she said forcefully. "I mean, I would be happy to go."

"Happy to go with me?"

She blushed and nodded.

"What was that?" I asked.

"Yes," she whispered.

I smiled. "It might be fun."

I broke the news to Heather. She was disappointed but such is life in the dating game. Linda was dressed up and ready to go when I came by after work to pick her up. She looked good. She was dressed to impress. I'm pretty sure she was dressed up to impress me. I didn't know too much about the band. Heather had suggested it to me so I had gotten the tickets. They were good. Loud, but good. I guess I wasn't surprised when we bumped into Heather. I could see Linda was surprised at how good looking Heather was and quickly realized that Heather would have been my date for tonight. I apologized to Heather and she looked over at Linda.

"Heather, this is Linda. Linda, Heather was supposed to be my date, but well...things came up."

Normally when I introduce Linda, I always referred to her as my wife. This time I made a point to not do that and Linda immediately noticed.

"Heather! So nice to meet you. I'm MRS. Donaldson." She stared right into Heathers eyes and something was communicated between the two women. Heather was smart enough to excuse herself and told me she would see me at work the next day.

Linda was fuming. She grabbed my hand. "Frank! Where's your wedding ring?"

I shrugged. "At home. I took it off after you asked for a divorce. I don't need it now."

Again Linda was speechless. Damn I was having fun keeping her quiet.

"Frank, we aren't divorced yet."

I smiled and concentrated on the music. On a few occasions I went to the bar to refill our drinks. Each time Linda watched me like a hawk. Each time I was at the bar, a woman approached me and I chatted with her. One I made laugh and she even slipped me her number. Linda saw it all, but she said nothing.

I'm not really a ladies man. I can flirt a little but have always been respectful and never pushed anything. After Linda had asked me for a divorce, I had let myself be free. I found that I had a rather crude knack for flirting and now with the restraint of a partner removed, I found that I didn't have to hold back. I wasn't the best looking guy around, but I always had the ability to be a bit of a smartass and I found that the women out there looking seemed to appreciate my humor and candor. Linda for the first time in a long while saw me in action. I guess it surprised her, but she must have realized that a long time ago, these same techniques and moves and flirtations had captured her heart. This evening I think she was remembering just that.

She was silent on the way back home. I kept quiet as well. Once inside the house we went about getting ready for bed.

"Frank, where's your wedding ring?"

I pointed to my sock drawer in the dresser. She went over and opened it. Reaching in, she grasped the golden band and pulled it out. She looked at it then at me. The weight of the symbol had touched her and her eyes watered.

"It's yours now," I told her. "I guess you should have it now."

She looked at me. "What am I supposed to do with it?"

"I guess anything you want. The ring is a symbol of our love for each other, of our marriage. It was a shield at some point, a warning that the wearer was unavailable to others. I doubt very much that most people appreciate and acknowledge that symbol know. I know that for me, it helped fend others off. I had hoped it did the same for you. Since you've changed your mind, I guess I don't need that symbol to protect me anymore. It only reminds me now of what once was..."

I looked right into her eyes until she returned my gaze.

"When the time is right, you will know what to do with that ring." I walked over to her and closed her fingers around the golden band. She watched me and accepted the responsibility.

"Frank?"

"Hmmm?" I was just falling asleep when she had called to me.

"Thanks for the evening. I enjoyed myself."

"Your welcome." I drifted back to sleep.

Breakfast was waiting for me in the morning. Linda had cooked up some eggs and bacon. She wasn't the best cook but I appreciated the effort. I noticed that Linda had kept her wedding band and engagement ring on. I also saw that she kept fingering them while she ate with me.

I got a call that morning at work from Carol.

"Carol! I'm surprised to hear from you. What can I do for you?"

"Lunch today, 12:30 at La Boheme." She clicked off and I stared at the dead headset.

I wasn't sure what to expect at lunch. I didn't know Carol very well,.Linda had befriended her at work. She was pleasant looking but never very friendly to me. She was one of Linda's friends that she saw when she went out with the group from work. They would have drinks at the lounge I had met Jessica at that first evening. She was already seated at the white linen cloth table and she waved me over. Her face was tight and curt. This was probably not going to be pleasant.

Once seated and my order taken, Carol lit into me.

"What the hell kind of crap are you up to? Linda is in agony and you pull this stupid stunt of dating other women in front of her!"

For the first time I think I blushed. Part of it was embarrassment, the other was anger. I quickly shut my mouth before saying something regretful. I realized immediately that whatever I said and did today at lunch would be promptly reported back to Linda.

She watched me as I regained control of my emotions. For a long while I pondered how to respond. Finally I spoke.

"Carol, how much do you know about what is going on with Linda?"

"I know that her husband is acting like a complete asshole!" she growled. Others around us looked our way.

"Carol, cut the crap. Answer my question honestly and I will answer yours. I have nothing to hide here...do you?"

Carol swallowed and was glad that our waiter chose that moment to serve our food.

I sat and waited.

"Linda is confused." Carol admitted.

"So confused that she needs to see other men to help sort her mind out?"

Carol blushed and took a swig of water.

"Linda had some weak moments, Frank."

"I'll bet." I retorted.

"We've been trying to help her work things out," Carol responded.

"You see, my dear Carol, that's where I take exception to things. Why is it your responsibility and your friends to help her work things out between her and her husband, and not her husband, me?"

Carol was silent.

"In fact, what business is it of yours anyways?"

"Linda is a friend."

"So?" I said. "I'm supposed to be her best friend, her partner, her life mate. Don't you think that if she had some issues, she should have spoken with me? Don't you think she should have come to me to work things out? Instead she goes to her friends, who apparently are such good and responsible people that they take her to places where she can work her feelings out with other men. Men who don't seem to care that they are kissing another man's wife!"

Carol turned a little pale. No she turned a lot pale. She didn't seem to have much of an appetite now. Some how, Carol had opened up the floodgates of rage within me. This was yet another silly, simple friend that decided to stick her nose into someone else's business.

"Let me ask you something Carol. Are you married?"

She shook her head no.

"Ever been married?"

Again no.

"Do you have a degree in counseling?"

No.

"So what qualifies you to give advice to someone about marriage? You haven't ever been, so how the fuck would you know what if feels like day in and day out? What gives you the right to twist and manipulate someone else's marriage?"

She gasped. "But I'm her friend!"

"Hmmm, not from where I'm sitting. How many times have you spoken to me? Once or twice that I can remember. I've been married to Linda for fifteen years, yet when did you ever take the time out of your life to meet and speak and get to know the man and partner of your friend? I've only been in her life for fifteen years, so I know there hasn't been much time, but really. You talk about advice, you talk about helping her through this, yet what the fuck do you know about me, other than what Linda has told you from her perspective?"

I sensed that Carol was about to cry. I had gotten through to her, well as much as I was ever going to, now to pass on a message to her and through her to Linda.

"Carol. Linda told me how she felt. She wanted the divorce, she told me and I quote: 'I'm not IN love with you anymore'. Well Carol, tell me, how should I react to that? What possible argument can I give her to tell her that she's wrong. She isn't. Well she's the one that wanted the divorce. Why should I be the miserable one hoping for her to change her mind?"

I finished my drink. My meal was half eaten, but I was done. I got up and gave one last look at Carol.

"I found that other women out there see something in me. My wife doesn't anymore. She pushed me away, I didn't push her away. I'm not going to cancel my life because my partner is confused and doesn't want me anymore. Others do. She didn't. How she feels about that is her own deal. I'm done trying to change her mind and tell her how to feel. I can embrace it now."

With that last statement I left before Carol could say anything else. I knew that as soon as I left the restaurant, she would be on the phone with Linda. At this point, I had other things to think about. Work was calling and this evening, I was going out with Janet.

Things went really well with Janet. Janet was different from the others. She was a black woman younger than me, but very mature and very sexy. We had been very polite and civil when she first joined the company, but a few months in I had been telling a rather racy joke to some of the fellas, when behind me Janet had entered the room to hear my rather vivid punchline. The men around me noticed her and all held their breaths as I turned around to she her shocked face.

I smiled a rather mischievous grin at her and said, "Admit it, it's both true and funny!"

She stood there for a moment with a 'I can't believe this white boy just said that to me' look and then she busted up laughing with me. From that point on, she was one of the guys, but by the end of my date with her, she was all woman! Janet let me get farther than my other dates and at the very last moment I was the one to decline her offer of staying the night. As much as I wanted to, there were issues with Linda that had to be settled before I could, in my mind, bed another woman.

"Frank?" Linda asked me after I had settled into bed.

"Yes?"

"Frank I need you to go shower."

"Huh?"

It was dark. The lights were off, but Linda's voice was cracking. I could hear sobs from her.

"Please Frank. If you won't shower, then I'll have to ask you to go sleep in the guest room."

I was confused. "What's going on?" I turned on the bedside light and saw my wife. Her face was red and her eyes were wet. She couldn't look me in the eyes.

"Please Frank. You can come back to our bed, but I beg you, please shower."

"What's wrong? I always shower in the morning dear, you know that."

She looked away from me. She turned her body from me.

"You smell like her..."

Oh.

Her being Janet. I had her scent on me. Duh!

I got out of bed. I felt crappy. I looked at her. She still was turned away from me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize...Look, if you want me to go to the guest room, I can do that, if you want me to."

"No," she sobbed. "I want you back in our bed. I just...Frank, I can't handle you having someone else's scent on you. I just can't. I'm sorry. I want you in our bed...but...it's bad enough knowing that you are seeing others...I...you've...I can pretend that you are out with the boys, I can ignore my friends telling me who they saw you with. I can even meet them like that Heather girl and tell myself that you're just friends. But now I know. I can smell it. I can tell. I...I want you to come back to our bed, but only after you showered. I can't handle her scent on you..."

I came over to her side of the bed. I didn't linger. I bent down and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "I'm sorry. I was not being very thoughtful. Let me shower, and I will come back to our bed."

The next morning was Saturday and I slept in. It had been a long week for me. Going out every night made me realize my age. I hoped that I would not come down with a cold or something. Some big player I am!

Linda woke me up with breakfast. Afterwards she asked me what my plans were.

"I don't have any for the weekend." I told her.

"Frank," she asked.

I was still sitting at the kitchen table.

"What is it?"

"Frank..." she had reached into her pocket and had pulled something out. She came around to me and knelt before me. She opened her hand and within I saw my wedding ring. Grabbing my hand she looked up at me.

"Frank, I want to work on our marriage...I think maybe I hadn't thought things through."

She tentatively started to slide the ring onto my finger. I let her.

"I still love you. I'm still IN love with you."

She knelt there waiting from me to say something. Finally I spoke.

"Is that how you really feel?"

She nodded.

"No divorce?"

She again nodded vigorously.

"What about the other men?"

"There's no one but you."

There you had it. Now was the delicate part. You all will probably think I'm insane for this but I went ahead anyway.

"You must realize that I will still date other women from time to time..."

Linda swallowed. For a long moment we sat there. Our eyes locked on each others. I had discovered something about my wife through this entire process. I was sure of the outcome.

She finally nodded. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised," she said.

"I think I'm in love with you too," I told her.

I grabbed her and kissed her. I kissed her hard. She kissed me back.

Linda, as it turned out had low self esteem. I had treated her well. Well not really. Over the years we had drifted apart. My biggest mistake was not acknowledging how she felt. Each time she told me her feelings, I argued against her. Do you know how damaging that is? How arrogant of someone to tell another person that what they are feeling isn't true. All that did was build up resentment and hostility within her towards me.

Over time, I beat her down to the point where she didn't value what she had. It's my fault really, but over time we had changed, well she had, I had never changed. So why would I ever want to go back to who I was before? I played a hunch. She wanted me back. But we both had changed. Now she knew that there were others in the wings that were ready to replace her should she decide to go her own way.

"Do you have to see others?" she whined. "I'm not going to see other men."

I looked at her and smiled.

"Yes I will, from time to time. You may be my wife, but I'm your husband. Don't you forget about that, and I won't forget about you."

She smiled.

Yes she smiled.

"Take me to bed and show me what I've been missing. Show me what all those other girls have gotten from you!"

"Think you have what it takes?" I asked.

"I'll just have to show you buster and maybe keep you so tired that you can't possibly have any energy for any other woman!"

I picked her up in my arms and carried her to the bedroom. I dropped her down on the bed and we both pulled our clothes off with a sense of urgency that was almost of panic. Our lust and passion exploded as I took her. Then she took me. Then she took me again.

Somewhere along the way, she realized from my stamina and endurance that I had not bedded any of the other women. After fifteen years, my wife knows what I can do in bed. She had a knowing smile the rest of the day. I kept quiet. What happened on my dates was a subject I did not bring up. She didn't either. It was an episode in our life that was best put in the past. For my part, I didn't now ask about the men she had kissed and spoke with.

My wife now looks at me with a certain amount of awe and respect. I never would have believed that my plan would work. It wasn't much of a plan. At the beginning I just was too stubborn to give her the satisfaction of seeing her destroy her husband with her hurtful words and request.

When I saw how she reacted and accepted my dating other women, while she herself stayed home waiting for me, I pushed my plan further. I won her back by pulling away from her. That which you don't have, you want the most. That which you do have, you want the least. Those are the words I live by now. In setting her and myself free, we're now more together than before.

So do I date others?

I haven't had to, yet. The first sign of Linda falling back into her old routine will bring about my next date. I know this. She knows this, and together we work together to not just hear each other but to listen.

This story is based on a practiced theory. I decided to use that as inspiration and wrote a story around it.