The 80/20 Solution Ch. 05-06

"What we are proposing is an expansion of our Friday nights. In short, we meet like we always have but when it is time to leave, we each go home with our special friend for the rest of the weekend. On Monday everyone goes to work like normal and returns to their spouse that night. For lack of a better name, I call it an 80/20 relationship. Eighty percent of the time, I am married to Rod, who I love dearly. That hasn't changed. But 20% of the time I am married to my special friend who will remain nameless for the time being." She felt Jay wiggle nervously next to her. Several of the men turned their eyes toward Rod and smiled.

"The only way that this will work, no change that to the only way that this CAN work is if there are a set of clear rules and guidelines that everyone must agree to abide by. Any variation in this can lead to a lot of problems that I am sure that you can see. The basic rules are fairly simple but cover a wide variety of issues. To start, while I suspect that there will be a certain amount of affection going on," several of the girls giggled at the understatement, "this is actually based on our shared interests. To pick on my poor abused husband, we all know that Rod would go to a ball game every day of the week if he could." Several men grinned and nodded in Rod's direction. "I like to go to a ball game once in awhile, but there is a certain lady who will remain nameless who would love to go ball games with Rod anytime he can get tickets. So this proposal is primarily based on answering the question, 'Why shouldn't they go to ball games together?' And that applies to each set of special friends. 'Why not share their mutual passions with someone who also enjoys the activity? And do it without guilt or sneaking around. So the first tenet is that from Friday night until Monday morning each couple is free to explore their interests together without interference. You belong to each other for that period of time and are only answerable to each other."

"That leads to the second tenet which is that when you return to your 80 spouse on Monday night, personal things are left behind. If I ask Rod how his weekend was, and it is OK to ask, it is OK for him to say, 'It was great. We went to two games and the Rangers won both of them and they were both good games. Oh and we found a great restaurant near the stadium that we have to try.' However, if he says, 'We went to two games but we spent most of the weekend in bed and you will never guess what she likes.' That is an obvious no-no. In the first insyance, I am happy that they had a great weekend because I probably did too. In the second, I am threatened with way too much information. Remember, we are not sneaking around in illicit activities. I know who he is with and I know that they are going to share a lot of things together. And most importantly, I do want them individually and together to have a great weekend."

"This leads to either a third tenet or a corollary to the second one. We will each be able to recognize differences between our 80 and our 20. You can make a comparison in your mind but that is where it needs to stay. There is no need to talk about what your 80 likes to your 20 and vice versa. That will only lead to problems." She took another sip of coffee before going on. She could see the gears turning in the guy's heads but didn't see any rigid backs or stiff necks. That fact made her feel very hopeful.

"That is basically it in a nutshell. But before the inevitable questions start, let me add a few more things. What we are proposing is a two weekend trial period or a month. The girls have raised dozens of 'what if' questions already and they are probably similar to yours. For this trial period, the basic answer is no, we stay within the Friday night to Monday morning time frame. One month from now, we will all get together and discuss the first question we will want to address which is 'Do we want to continue?' Second will be the 'what ifs'. Between now and then we all have enough to do to adjust to being both an 80 and a 20. We don't need to add more complexity to this adjustment period with special situations."

"I should also add that we each need to prepare a cover story. By that I mean, it is very possible even probably that we will run into friends or acquaintances who might wonder why you are shopping with someone who is not your spouse. A simple "She was tied up today. This is our friend...." You know what I mean. The other thing is that we will all undoubtedly meet new people and prospective friends while with our 20. Frankly, I think that would be great to have friendships develop exclusively with my 20. But that would only work if we are committed to this for the long term. As a result, if we meet new people during the trial period, it might be worthwhile to hold off moving too quickly at least until after the meeting next month. And a final reminder, nothing is assumed or acted on until all of us, all eight of us, agree. That is non-negotiable. We are all in or we are all out. Now, I suggest that we spend a little while talking to our spouse and then or prospective 20. Satisfy yourself that you are in agreement or if there are any issues that you need to resolve."

Emily sat down almost exhausted and finished her coffee. Then she turned to Rod and looked him in the eye. "Well have I blown you from here to next week? What do you want to say?"

Rod looked at her for a moment and then leaned over and kissed her. She suddenly felt like a great weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. She knew now that even if things didn't go forward, her relationship with Rod was safe.

"There are three things I want to say to you. First, I love you and that won't change whichever way this goes. Second, I cannot imagine anyone else being able to present something like this to a group like this any better than you did. I marvel at you. Third, I hope you had as good an afternoon as I did."

Emily blushed a little and said, "I did. Now, why don't you talk to your prospective 20 while I talk to mine." She kissed him again and turned to her left to find Jay already waiting for her. "OK, lover boy, did I shake your socks off?"

"In a way but a good way. I am so excited about spending time with you and I even look forward to going out to places with you."

"You little devil you. To tell you the truth, I am so excited about all of the things we could do together, I can hardly think of anything else."

"Maybe I shouldn't say this, but I think Paula is more excited than we are." Emily leaned forward and kissed his lips. When she finished, she noticed that there was a silence at the table. So she stood once again and found Jim waiting to ask a question.

"Yes Jim?"

"I wonder how this would work in practical terms and when it would start?"

"I will answer both of those questions after we vote. Does anyone have any other questions? Ok, before we vote, I think that it is safe to say that we all have a lot of questions and concerns and maybe some reservations. That is a given. What we are voting on right now is 'Do we want to try this for one month?' Nothing more. In a month, we can decided to continue it or not or modify it or totally change the structure of it. But right now, I will ask each of you whether you are in or out for one month. If anyone says out, it is over. There is no need to go forward. I've picked on Rod tonight so honey, are you in or out?"

"In."

"Wendy?"

"In"

And so it went around the table until she got to Jay.

"OK, Jullian, the make or break vote is yours."

"In. Definitely in."

"I think I can hear four women taking their first breath in the last hour." Everyone laughed. "OK, to answer Jim's questions. The women have decided that each couple will stay at the woman's house. We also decided that we need to remind the men that from Friday night until Monday morning, you are her husband. If the trash needs to be taken out or if the lawn needs to be mowed, guess who will get to do it?" There were four groans at the table but they were groans delivered with a smile. "Each couple will work out their own arrangements about things. I have a closet cleared out for Jay to put things in so he doesn't have to bring everything over every time. But that also means that that closet is off limits to Rod and Rod's closet is off limits to Jay. As for paying for things, each couple should work out their own arrangement but I think that some balance that is fair to both is desirable. The guys shouldn't have to pay for everything. Everything else is negotiable between each couple. The women would still like to have our normal Friday nights on the off week. Now as to the many what ifs that we each have but also that might come up as you get to know each other better, I have created an e-mail address. As things come up, e-mail me with it. I will compile a list that everyone will get a copy of before the meeting in a month so we can all think about how we feel about things."

"And now for the when does it start question. We have a surprise for you boys. It starts tonight. This doesn't count as one of the two trial weekends. It's just for practice. Each of us packed a bag for you with clothes and things and clothes to go to work in on Monday. When we leave you will drive your car and take your 20 to her house. Rod honey, you can use my car on Monday. I won't need it. Now if there are no more questions, I suggest that the last one to pay their check and leave isn't as excited as the rest of us are."