The Accident Ch. 06

"So...your wife cheated on you with her boss?"

"Yeah. I found out when they got into a car accident and ended up in the hospital. I overheard the nurses talking about her bosses...um...size...down there...and how the lady with him had her clothes half off. She had also bit down on his...him...causing him to need to have stitches in the wound. I stood there, listening to them as they laughed about the whole thing, gallows type humor. Then...well...they realized that I was standing there waiting. Once they found out who I was they were all embarrassed of course, and once I knew that my wife had been...having sexual contact with her boss, well...I left and went home."

"That would have been a hard thing to learn. I'm sorry. So...you ended up divorced...but I get the feeling you still have a little love for her in your heart. Is that the reason for your trip up here?"

"Yeah...I guess it shows a bit too much yet. I have had a very difficult time with all of this. I loved and trusted her beyond anyone in my life...and then to have to find out my trust was misplaced. I felt, for a while anyway, that it must have been me. Something I had or hadn't done, that caused her to look outside the marriage."

"Maybe a weak moment on her part?"

"Yeah...that and that bastard...I'm sorry...her boss used...well I think he may have used drugs to 'help' things a little bit at first. But afterwards...why she kept it up afterwards is beyond me."

"You need to find out what you want then."

"Yeah. I need to know, to clear my mind and see if I can fix this anger I have towards my wife...I haven't been a real good person lately. I actually hurt another woman...after my wife and I split...I met...someone...and I ended up hurting her too. I've made a mess out of my life...just as my wife made a mess out of hers. I had to get away. My boss insisted. Said I was working myself into a burn-out."

"Work to forget the problems in one's life...I understand that. I really do."

"Some turn to drugs or alcohol, others to work or hobbies. I threw myself into my work. Traveled a lot too. My boss was getting worried that I was going to burn out on him...so he insisted I take some time off. By that time, I knew I needed to do something too." "You ever try to get back together with your wife?"

"Sort of. Before we divorced...I let her back in my home...that's how I found out about the anger I had deep inside. It didn't come out until...uh...one night...um...during...anyway; it wasn't my brightest moment in my life. I hurt her...and that's when I knew I needed to break away. At least for the present time. I'm just not sure anymore...what it is I want...or need."

Cheryl got up and left me alone for a minute. She came back with two cups of coffee and some cookies.

"Here...if you still want to talk...we have all night. I'd like to hear more...if you don't mind."

"I shouldn't be telling you all this stuff. It isn't what you need to hear...I've been too talkative already."

"Well...so you know, I went to college and got a degree in psychology...then after my husband...died...I actually went to work for a while...hung my shingle out. But I needed more time with my kids...so we decided to do this lodge. I am licensed in the State of Alaska as a clinical psychologist...but it isn't what I do...really."

"Oh...I didn't know. So, you are a doctor then?"

"Oh yes although I haven't practiced for a while. I thought that it may come in handy in the lodge business too."

I was surprised. Cheryl was a doctor of psychology and for some reason I never thought that a doctor of anything would own a lodge instead of practicing their medicine. It must have shown on my face too, since Cheryl blushed a bit then explained a little more.

"When I met my late husband I was still in college. We dated...then married soon after we both graduated. I did my residency and went through all of the necessary requirements, but we both decided to come back home here, and fish. Commercial fishing was in my family and his family too. It paid for our education, and it always treated us well."

"Your husband went to college too?"

"Yes. He graduated with degrees in Electrical Engineering. A Masters actually. While I was in residency, he continued on his degrees. Afterwards we both worked for a while, until we decided that the place for us was back here."

"Amazing."

"Tell me a little more...if you want. I'm interested in what it is you are thinking you want...or need."

"Me? Heh...I just want to be happy again. That's the most important thing. I know that on the way out here from Ketchikan I wanted to tell...Sue...my ex...about my thoughts and feelings. It was kind of an empty thing when I realized that she wasn't with me. I guess it could be from having been married as long as we were, maybe I am just used to sharing my feelings with her...and you. You look a lot like Sue...almost enough to be a twin."

"Oh really? That's interesting. Do you find that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Well, to be honest, it is a good thing...I think. You're enough different I know you are not Sue...but you have similar features, hair, chin, cheekbones, and...um...body types. I feel comfortable with you."

"Good. Then, if you want, I wouldn't mind trying to help you...if you want that is. I'm not exactly looking to work in my field, but I would like to help you John. By the way...Adams...are you any relation to..." "Heh heh heh...I get that all the time. As far as I know, no relation to President Adams. Or any other famous figure in history for that matter."

"I'm sorry, I had to ask. It's one of those...things."

"It's all right. I'm not sure what else to say...I guess I came here searching...for myself. Not sure that I'll find me either...but I need to do something. What I've been doing sure hasn't worked."

"Do you think you want to try to get back with your ex then? Is there still a spark in your...heart?"

"I'm not sure. I'm so mixed up. I want to...and yet I don't."

"Tell me about your childhood...anything that sticks out in your mind."

"My childhood? Pretty basic...grew up in a small town, pretty normal life. Dad was around till I was in my teens...then him and mom split. I was never sure what happened there. All I knew was I never saw him again after that. Mom worked two jobs, got me into college, and right after I graduated she passed away...Been on my own ever since."

"You father...he left you and your mom? Never saw him again?"

"Yeah. I think that he may have cheated on mom with some woman. Mom never talked about him or anything afterwards. She never dated or saw any other men either. I never knew why. She loved me, and took care of me though."

"You never remember hearing arguments between your parents? Nothing like that at all?"

"No. Although, I seem to remember one night...dad was acting strange...came home...they fought, but not so I would know what was going on...when he left the next morning, it was the last time I saw him. Mom was pretty shook up, I knew that...acted strange for a few days herself."

"I imagine. Her husband walked out on you two. That would have been hard."

"Yeah. Thinking back on it now...he may have hurt mom...I mean...physically. She held herself funny for a few days. Kind of like her ribs hurt or something. She had a bruise on her neck too. Blew it off whenever I mentioned it though. I was young, a teenager, and not really aware of some things between them yet. I wish now I had asked more questions."

"So, you grew up, having had a history like you did, and got married. Then...you find out your wife cheated on you...that had to have brought back some memories too. Anything that tickled memories of your parents?"

"Yeah...now that you mention it, I did recall things from...that...time. Are you thinking that my actions are a reflection of that time in my life too?"

"No. I'm just trying to understand you more. Having come from a broken home, you must have felt some things differently...than...say someone who had both parents the whole time they grew up. Sometimes some transference's occur deep in one's mind...you may have had some transference that way."

"Oh. So what happened then may be causing things in me now?"

"Yes. Something like that. Tell me more about Sue...your ex-wife."

"Well, we met in college...dated, and married soon after we both graduated. She worked for a while, then when my working wages got up to a level where she didn't need to, she began to stay at home. Later, she got bored and wanted to go back to work, so after a little wrangling between us, she did just that. A few years later she got a new boss, and the rest as they say, is history."

"You said a 'little wrangling'. Were you against her going back to work then?"

"Well, I really saw no need for her to have to do that. We were fine financially, and I kind of liked it when I had to travel, she could just come with me. It was kind of like mini-vacations for us. Several times a year just the two of us out and about. Of course, I did have my job to do, but the evenings were usually free, and sometimes we'd even stay a few extra days for sightseeing too. Her going back to work would have...and did stop all of that."

"Her new boss...you mentioned that he used some kind of drugs on her to get her to cheat at first?"

"Yeah. I'm not sure what kind...I assumed GHB, but that wouldn't have left her able to move real well...and from what I learned about that first time, she was dancing and all kinds of things with him. I'm not sure how or what drug he used...but I know he used a drug the first couple of times. Bastard. Then he acted like he had 'feelings' for her on top of that."

"Different drugs act differently in different people. He may have used a 'cocktail' of some sort, or maybe ecstasy or some kind of similar drug. One that loosens inhibitions. So...the first few times your ex-wife was drugged. Afterwards...were there more times afterwards?"

"Yeah. That's what got to me. She was with him...seventeen times...until the night of the accident. Way too many times for Sue to have been drugged every time. I had no choice but to think that she like what she was doing with him at some point. I mean...he wasn't using drugs on her hardly ever after those first couple of times. She must have decided that she liked what they were doing."

"Was...Sue...was she upset that you found out? I mean...was she upset that you found out, or more upset that you knew she had cheated on you?"

"I'm not sure I understand the question. She was upset I found out...that she had cheated on me? Yes."

"No...when she knew that you had found out about her...dalliances...was she upset more that you had found out about her and her boss, or was she upset more that she had hurt you?"

"Oh. I really don't know. She claimed that she was upset that she had hurt me so bad...but by that time I was thinking that she was upset that I had found out. I mean...if I hadn't found out that night...would she have quit cheating on me? I guess I'll never know."

"Has she seen other's since your divorce? Other than you I mean?"

"Not that I'm aware of. I mean...I don't watch her all the time or anything like that. We have dated...well dinner dated here and there. We are kind of friends still. I just...my anger...deep inside...I'm afraid of what I may want to do, or end up doing if I was with her...that way."

"You speak of this anger...when it comes out...are you aware of being angry...do you know when it happens?"

"That one time...I didn't know...I just sort of woke up when she started crying out that I was hurting her. It was...like I was in...well...I guess some sort of trance...or something."

"Do you need a break? You sound...upset."

"No...I'm okay. Just tough to remember how I got. It wasn't my proudest moment you know?"

"I'm sure you didn't consciously decide to want to hurt your wife...you were still together at that point, right?"

"Yeah...matter of fact, that was the thing that told me to get divorced. I was going to hurt her...or worse. I was afraid of that. That's what caused me to know I needed to break away from Sue. As much as it hurt. I didn't want to hurt her like that ever again."

"Like she had hurt you?"

"What?"

"You didn't want to hurt Sue like she had hurt you?"

"I never thought of it that way. I mean...we were still trying to fix things between us. Why would I want to fix things if I was going to want to hurt her?"

"I think you need to take some time to think about just that. Why, if you were trying to fix things between you, your anger caused you to lash out...an inner anger. Why don't we call it a night...and maybe later...we can pick back up from here?"

I was tired. Cheryl had gotten me to talk about things that I'd never really thought, or wanted to think about. I wondered about my parents...and that time. I knew that my coming here...to this particular lodge...and having met Cheryl was too much to have been just chance. I mean...I hadn't known about Cheryl having a degree or anything.

"Yeah...a little break for me to think about all of this. Thank you Cheryl...I really don't know what to say other than thank you."

"Wait until you get my bill...just kidding. Hey...see you at breakfast in the morning then?"

"Yeah. Good night."

That night, for the first time in a quite a while, I slept well. I did have a few moments as I fell asleep where I wondered about my anger, my parents and Sue. I was beginning to see a light...of sorts. I just hoped that I'd be able to drive out those inner demons that haunted me so much.