The Accident Ch. 07

She took my hand in hers, and that touch was electric. I held her hand as she stood.

"Yes, we do need to talk John. We have a lot of ground to cover and a short time to do that in."

"Are you getting all...well...professional on me now?"

"Yes."

That simple single word answer told me that Cheryl had been thinking last night or this morning too. Maybe she was right. Maybe I was seeing something here that just wasn't there. Maybe I was fooling myself into believing Cheryl was Sue in some weird way. Deep inside I was beginning to think hard about some tough questions. Questions to which I may not like the answers either.

Cheryl and I walked on a pathway up behind the cabins of the lodge. Topping out on a ridge with about a billion trees around I was pleased to see that there was a spot where we could sit and overlook the bay below. The sight was breath taking and I was mesmerized for some time, just looking at all the different things I could see.

Eagles flying way up above, circling around looking for food. Way off down the beach I could just make out a black bear flipping rocks over, looking for breakfast. The water was almost mirror smooth and the image of the tree line seemed to never stop. Wherever I looked there were trees and some sort of animals.

Looking around I saw Cheryl was just staring at me. I couldn't quite tell what she was thinking, and she seemed lost in thought. Finally, she cleared her throat and began to ask me more questions.

"John. When we kissed last night...what were you thinking? I mean, were you thinking about me, or maybe us, or were you thinking about Sue...your ex-wife?"

"I'm not sure. I have to admit that last night I was thinking more about everything afterwards, and to be honest, I couldn't even tell myself what or why I felt the need to kiss you as I did. You are attractive, and any man would love to get to know you better, but in my room I asked myself if I was thinking about Sue or if I was thinking about you. Honest answer...I just don't know. A little of both perhaps."

"Tell me about Sue. What is she like? What things about her do you find...irresistible?"

"First of all Sue is intelligent, and quite friendly. A little quiet at times, and up until the accident, well...I thought she was happy with me and our love life. Afterwards...I guess I found out that maybe I haven't or didn't see her as she was...or could be. Anyway, her eyes are one of the things that first drew me to her. That and her laugh."

I fell silent in thought as I remembered Sue's laugh and our first meeting. I couldn't quite come to terms with the accident yet, but in my heart I think I knew that there was something I had chose not to see in her before. Something that had I paid attention or thought about before, she may have never got into a situation like she had. Had it been my fault? Had I not done something I should or could have to prevent her from going where she had?

Cheryl was looking at me as if she wanted me to say something. I looked back at her and smiled uncomfortably, not knowing what it was she wanted to hear. Finally, I decided I had to say something into the silence.

"Last night...when we kissed...I'm not sure what I was thinking. I know I felt something...a spark or the like...electricity. Yeah...electricity. Anyway...I just don't know if I was seeing Sue in you, or if I was seeing you...for you. Sue has been on my mind a lot ever since...that...time."

I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I was ashamed that I was about to cry over this...after all this time. Again. Cheryl kept looking at me, not saying a word. For what ever reason, I began to feel a pressure to come up with something...anything...to fill that void that had just seemingly opened up in front of me.

"I...I guess that maybe I was thinking of Sue...when I first kissed you. Then, afterwards, I think I was thinking of you. But that first kiss...that very first moment...I'm sorry...Oh...damn."

I broke down. Tears fell as I realized that I still loved my wife...well...ex-wife. I loved her so much I had blinded myself to the reality of everything in my life...not knowingly, but to myself. Yes, she had cheated on me. I had found out in so...so harsh a way about it too...like a cosmic joke. A very bad joke...but a joke nonetheless.

Cheryl stood there, now looking off into the distance. She had a smile on her face...one that I could hardly see, but a slight smile was there. At that moment I came to the realization that she was a very beautiful woman, but not Sue. Not even anything like Sue. Maybe just the hair color, but as if a veil had been pulled from my eyes, I now clearly saw that Cheryl was not really that close in appearance as Sue.

What had I been thinking? How could I have seen Sue in Cheryl like I had? I had been convinced that Cheryl looked too much like Sue, and now I could see that I was not only wrong, but way off. I looked off into the distance, my thoughts in turmoil again. Confused and unsure of myself now. Tears still sliding down my cheeks, but slowing as I came to grips with reality.

At that point I also realized that Nancy looked, or rather, had looked to me a lot like Sue too. In different ways, but in my mind, they had been one and the same. Why in the hell hadn't my other shrink gotten this out of me? How I had hung onto this façade until this moment...I was embarrassed.

"John...I think you just had...well, for lack of a better word...a moment. Just now I saw a look in your eyes; you finally saw what you needed to see. Correct?"

"Yeah. I just came to the conclusion that I love my wife...ex-wife...Susan...that you don't really look much like her at all...and that other lady...Nancy...in my mind at that time...she reminded me of Sue too. I fooled myself into thinking both of you looked like...a lot like...Sue. Why? Why would I do that to myself?"

"I don't know...maybe your mind thought it needed to protect you from yourself. I wonder...did you ever have thoughts of...well, when you found out and in the days closely following...did you ever have thoughts of...ending it all?"

"Not really...well...one night...I got real drunk...too drunk...I remember that I was pretty miserable, and depressed that night...anyway...I may have had some thoughts like that then...not for long though."

"Sometimes one's mind will block things in certain ways...each uniquely special to each person...to protect itself, and the person too. Maybe your mind acted to protect you from yourself. Just a thought...something that might help you to understand things."

"So, my mind told me that you and Nancy looked a lot like Sue? How would that protect me?"

"I'm not positive mind you...but maybe your mind knew that deep down you still loved Sue...and that you needed her...so...it made you think that certain other people looked a lot like Sue...so you would think that in some...strange way...you hadn't lost her. It's not an easy thing to explain...as I really don't understand it myself...but last night I realized that I had been doing the same thing...over my husband. I think that's why I haven't dated or even tried...all those men in my past seemed like my husband in one way or another, yet I knew he was dead. My mind was acting to protect me, just like your mind acted to protect you. I don't' understand it all myself, but I think I now know why."

"So I helped you as you helped me?"

"Yes. I think so. When we kissed last night...it shocked me. I had these feelings...that I hadn't had in so long...and when I went to bed I laid there, awake for hours thinking about you...the kisses, everything. I found out that I had been thinking you looked an awful lot like my late husband...in some ways. Then, after some hard thought, I realized that you in fact didn't look even close to him."

"So...what do we do now?"

"First of all...I don't think there is an us...is there? What are you feeling? Is there still an attraction for me in you?"

"Heh heh...well, I'm a man...and you are beautiful...but you are also not Sue. I think I want...I know I need Sue. She's in my heart...my mind...my soul. It is the one thing I am absolutely sure of at this moment too. I can clearly see that I've been blind...to many things, but now I am seeing the light of day. I'm sorry...I mean...well...did you have feelings for me...anything?"

"Last night I did, this morning...lets just say that we somehow both helped each other see the light of day...the reality of our worlds. You are a handsome man...and I would be delighted if you wanted to take me out...but I think that we both know it isn't going to happen now. You have that one person you love...the love of your life...you need to get back with her."

"Damn...I paid that other shri...I mean doctor to help me and I don't think that they helped me at all, except to my money."

"Sometimes the doctor and patient don't...'click' sometimes they do. I think whatever guides us through life...your inner-self, guided you to me...unknowingly...and together we figured out both of our problems. I didn't even realize I had a similar problem...until last night."

The rest of the day went by quickly. We went out on the water fishing, and Joan managed to get us into some salmon. I caught a nice big one...about thirty five pounds. Later, that evening, we had a nice salmon bake.

That night as I lay down I suddenly realized that I could lose my wife...well...ex-wife. If I didn't move soon, and get back with her, Sue just might find someone else. That thought stunned me into a plan of action. A plan that might just fix everything between us.

In the morning, I told Cheryl and the kids that I had had a wonderful time, but I was cutting my trip short. I noticed that Greg and Joan seemed less than happy about my leaving, but then I knew Cheryl would be more willing to find someone else now too. Someone who hopefully would make her happy and loved.

My flight out was arranged and by evening I was in Seattle. The next afternoon I was back home unpacking. As soon as I was showered from my traveling, I called Sue. It was a call that made me nervous as I didn't know how Sue would react to me. I had some ground to cover with her. I only hoped that she hadn't changed her mind about us.

"Hello?"

"Sue...it's me...John...um...could we get together...tonight? I know it's short notice and all...but I have something I need to tell you. I think it's pretty important."

"John? You're back already? Tonight? Well, I really didn't have anything planned...I guess you could come over..."

"No. I want to pick you up and we'll go out to dinner. I'd like to take you somewhere nice and quiet where we can talk. Just the two of us."

"Okay. Uh...what time?"

"How does seven sound to you?"

"Seven it is. I'll be waiting...are you okay John? I mean...you were going to be gone for three weeks and it's barely been one...is everything all right with you?"

"I'm great. I really am. I had...look, we'll talk later. I have so much to say...and something to ask...I'll see you at seven."

"Okay...I'll see you then. Bye John."

I hung up my heart swelling. I was as excited as I had been in a long time. I know I must have sounded very out of character to Sue...but it took all I could to just ask her out and not spill everything I had figured out. I only hoped Sue would be accepting of me. I wasn't sure how she'd take this night...at all.