The Alphabet of Love Ch. 13

Though it was a relatively short flight, I fell asleep as soon as we reached cruising altitude. I even missed the snacks. My neck had a crick in it when I woke up; I rubbed it to no avail. A hot shower when I got home was in order. It seemed to take forever to get out of the plane, into the terminal, and collect my bags. I hailed a taxi and was unlocking the door to my apartment just after nine. A long damn day, I thought flipping on the light.

Faldo meowed from his perch on the window ledge. He led me into the kitchen to show me the bits and pieces of cat food in his dish; it was imperative that I feed him now! Just to shut him up, I opened a can of wet food and obliged. Then I lugged my suitcase into the bedroom and popped it open. If I didn't sort the clothes out now, I'd never do it.

After I'd emptied my suitcase I shoved it back into the corner of the closet, undressed, and put on a comfortable nightgown. Wine. I needed wine.

Faldo sat on the kitchen floor licking his toes, sated. I poured wine and looked at my phone. A text from Derek, sent while he was waiting for his flight to board.

"Text me when you get home," it read.

So I did, told him I was here, all was well, and I'd be heading to bed soon. Of course he was somewhere in a jet over the Midwest right about now.

To my surprise, the answering machine on my landline phone was blinking. I'd considered getting rid of it so many times; the answering machine was a dinosaur I'd had for years, since college. I punched it. Probably a wrong number.

"Doctor Westland, this is Doctor Couslard. I need you to be in promptly at seven a.m. on the third of January. We're making a presentation to the medical staff at our Lynnwood satellite, and we need to leave as soon as possible. Call me if you have any questions."

That was weird, I thought, that he'd called my house phone instead of my cell.

I noted his number, and called him back. Naturally, I got his voicemail. I told him I'd be there on time. Shit. That meant I had to be up by five, to shower and dress and drive to the clinic. Here we go, I thought. You're not in Vegas anymore.

When I woke to my alarm, bleary-eyed, needing caffeine, I had a message from Derek, sent at 3:00am. He told me he'd been up all night with Mercury, she bared her soul to him, and they'd ended up killing a bottle of scotch between the two of them. He wasn't going to the clinic today. Lucky bastard. That's what you could do when you were the big muckymuck of your practice.

I texted him just as I left my apartment, and hoped I woke him up.

Dr. Couslard beat me, of course. He was already in his office, assembling materials for his presentation. He looked the same as he always did; it didn't seem to matter what time of day. Iron gray hair, plain black suit, conservative tie. He scarcely looked at me, just told me what to do. I could only imagine how much fun the car ride to Lynnwood would be. I hoped I could stay awake.

We said goodbye to the few staffers who'd arrived for early patient appointments, and I followed him out to the employee parking area. I hoped he wouldn't ask me to drive. Somehow I knew he'd disapprove of my flashy car.

But no, he led me to a nondescript Hyundai, we put our things in the back seat, and belted ourselves in.

He asked me if I wanted to stop for coffee. I'd already had some, but I needed more. So he hit the nearest drive-thru, I paid, and we were off.

"Did you have a nice holiday?" he asked me.

I didn't answer for a moment; I couldn't believe he was asking me a personal question.

"I did," I said, choking a little. "Thank you."

"I understand you went to Las Vegas."

"Yes, I did," I nodded. "I hope you had a good holiday as well."

"Thank you, I did. All my children were home for once."

"Oh? How many do you have?"

"Three," he answered. I studied his face, but the expression never changed. He looked the same talking about his children as when he talked about renal therapies.

I wasn't sure how far to press him. It shocked me that he'd volunteered this much.

"Did you go alone?" he asked me, glancing over.

"Yes," I answered. It was true. I'd traveled alone to Vegas. It wasn't until I got there that I hooked up with Derek.

"For a whole week?" he sounded doubtful.

Okay, I thought, fuck it. I'm getting this over with. "Do you know Dr. Wiley from Boston?" I asked him.

"Yes, of course. Derek Wiley is well-known in our field. I believe he'll be speaking in Omaha." He glanced at me again, looking a bit confused.

"I was with him in Vegas," I said.

"I don't understand."

He didn't. He still looked confused.

"We - we're in a relationship," I said.

"I see," he said at once, shifting in his seat a little. "I was - I believed him to be a family man."

"He was. He's divorcing."

Oh great. Now he probably thought it was because of me.

He shook his head. "I'm sorry. It's none of my business. I just hope you're using good judgment."

"His wife left him," I tried to explain. "It had nothing to do with me."

"You're - how old? If you don't mind me asking."

"I'm thirty-three," I told him. "Derek is fifty-two," I filled in before he could say anything.

He pursed his lips.

I wanted to say that I loved Derek. But no, I had to keep my demeanor professional. "We've discussed the age difference," I said. "It isn't an issue."

"Are you considering leaving Seattle?" he asked me.

"Not anytime soon."

"Because if you are, we may need to discuss your position."

Oh shit. Was he going to shove me back into regular practice and find a replacement for me? Just because I 'might' leave town?

"I'm not leaving," I assured him.

"So you're content with a long distance relationship?"

"It's working for us," I said, shrugging. What a liar I was.

"I hope I'm not being too intrusive, but you're a young woman. You may want to have a family."

"I do," I nodded. "Derek and I have talked about that. But we haven't reached any conclusions."

"He wouldn't want to come here," he said, but I couldn't tell if he was stating a certainty, or if he hoped Derek wouldn't move to Seattle.

"I honestly don't know," I said. But I couldn't imagine why Derek would leave his lucrative practice in Boston, the culmination of his dedication to improving renal care. Unless it would be to retire.

"Doctor Wiley is a fine man, his work is some of the best in our field. It's understandable that you might want to work with him."

I didn't know what to say.

He looked over at me. "I'm sure he's always looking for top-notch physicians."

"He's never asked me to work for him," I said, even though that wasn't strictly true. After all, he'd offered to 'get me in' at his clinic.

"He's interested in you for other reasons then," he nodded and actually smiled a little.

"Well, yes," I said, unwilling to go into detail about the intensity of our relationship. Better to let Dr. Couslard think we were casual fuck buddies than that we'd talked about getting married.

"That's a magnificent diamond you're wearing," he said to my shock. I'd put on the necklace from Derek this morning, wanting to feel close to him. It did not occur to me that anyone would recognize it for what it was.

I touched the pendant at my throat and squeaked a little when I said, "Thank you."

"A man doesn't give a woman a gift like that unless he's rather serious."

I started to ask how he knew Derek had given it to me, but he continued. "You didn't wear it before you left for Christmas vacation, and now you're wearing it. I'm surmising that Dr. Wiley gave it to you."

What was he, a nephrologist or a detective?

"He did," I admitted, my mouth so dry I could hardly speak.

"My wife would love a token like that," he said.

"Then you should give her one," I retorted. Christ, he made more money than I did. He could afford it.

He smiled over at me. "Perhaps you're right."

Enough of this pussyfooting around, I thought. I decided to come clean. "Here's the deal," I said, surprising him a little with my frankness. "I'm in love with Derek and he has asked me to marry him when his divorce is final. I haven't made up my mind. Is that what you want to know?"

"I - uh- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry."

The fuck you didn't, I thought, downing cold coffee. I'd let it sit too long. We were almost to Lynnwood. "Well, that's the story," I said. "We've talked about having children, too. He said he would scale back his work schedule to devote time to me and a child if that's what I want."

"I see."

"So I was telling the truth when I said I've made no plans to move. I'm enjoying this new work and I want to learn from you. And you'll be the first to know if I make the decision to leave."

"Fair enough," he said, turning into the parking lot of the satellite clinic. The lot was already full, patients coming in and out the entrance.

He said nothing more the rest of the day. I doubled down on my professionalism and on the way home we spoke only about our day, I asked questions and he answered. I had no doubt that as soon as we returned to our office, he'd be talking with Dr. Miliano, the clinic's director, about my possible defection, and they might even want to talk to Derek. Miliano and Derek had crossed paths at Johns Hopkins, I knew, though Derek was a few years younger.

Driving home, I put Dr. Couslard's inquisition out of my mind. I needed groceries, and I had bills to pay online. I'd probably talk to Derek at some point in the evening and I had to decide how I'd tell him about my day. He'd probably say I should just quit and come to Boston right now. Maybe I should. If I did, he might decide to fight for that gorgeous house, and we could live there. I'd always wanted to have a beautiful home to decorate and invite my friends to for holidays and parties. Not that I had that many friends.

I nearly tripped over Faldo with my arms full of grocery bags. The little fucker wound around my feet and purred, which he rarely did. He must think I have cat food or treats, I thought. Selfish stupid cat. In fact, I had bought him food, and opened a can for him before I even put the groceries away. Anything to get him out of my way.

From the depths of my purse I heard my phone, and managed to get to it before it quit ringing. It was Trevor Banks.

"Hello," I said, opening up a cupboard door, stacking cans of cat food inside.

"Hello beautiful," came his smooth, warm voice. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," I answered.

"Long day at work?"

"Yes, I had to be there early to go with Dr. Couslard to one of our clinics."

"How do you like working with him?"

"It's all right. He doesn't have much personality but that's better than being a mouthy jerk. How's the campaign going? I haven't seen the news lately."

He laughed. "It's going all right, my Dad is getting a lot of attention."

"Where are you?"

"Iowa. We're getting a minor snowstorm right now. It'd be great if they had any mountains here so I could ski."

"Cross country?" I suggested.

"Nah. No trails. But I'm too busy anyway. Listen, I can get away next week for a couple of days. I told Amanda I had some things I needed to take care of at the hospital. The truth is, I do need to talk to the manager at our apartment about keeping up our lease until this is over. All our shit's there. I mean furniture and crap, not that we splurged on anything too fancy, but it's all there and rather than put it in storage we thought it'd be better to have the apartment to come to when we're in town for the convention."

He seemed to be going into a lot more detail than need be; justifying his visit to the area in order to make it sound like he wasn't just coming to see me.

"Do you think we can see each other while I'm in town?" he asked.

"Sure," I said casually.

"I mean, we really need to talk."

"Sure," I repeated.

"Would you cook for me?"

I closed the cupboard and leaned on the counter. "I - it depends when it is. If I've been working all day I'd rather go out." Than have you in my apartment where you'll seduce me, I added to myself. The fact was, I didn't think I'd trust myself not to want to have sex with him. I was missing Derek something awful, I longed to snuggle up to him in bed and feel his warm arms around me.

"We can do that, too," he agreed readily.

"Well, let me know when you're in town," I said.

"I will."

With a sigh, I said goodbye and finished putting away my groceries. Before I sat down to pay bills, though, I sent Derek a sexy text message to let him know I was thinking about him. Bills paid, I put together a nice salad for my dinner and paired it with a glass of wine. I'd just put my bowl in the sink and poured a refill when I heard my phone in the living room.

Faldo sat on the rug by the door licking his paws, looking satisfied with himself, as I answered the ring. It was Derek; my heart lifted.

"Hi," I said, setting my wine on the coffee table, settling onto the couch.

"I miss you," he said. "That text didn't help."

I laughed. "I miss you too. How are things?"

"Couldn't keep my mind on work. Too busy thinking about you."

"Aw, that's sweet. Dr. Couslard gave me the third degree about you today."

"He what?" his tone changed to alert.

"He asked me about Christmas and somehow I admitted that I'd spent it with you. Now he's flipping out on me that I'm going to quit and go to work for you."

"Did you tell him we weren't talking shop in Vegas?"

"Yes, I was very clear about the nature of our relationship. You shamed him, by the way, with this necklace. I bet he goes out tomorrow and gets one for his wife."

He laughed. "She probably deserves it for putting up with his boring ass," he said.

"Anyway," I sighed, "I told him he'd be the first to know if I plan to leave."

"You know I want you here. And Mercury wants to meet you, too."

"Your daughter?" I asked, surprised.

"I told her you were the one who'd told me to listen to her. She's grateful, she says her Mom never did anything like that for her."

"Well, that's a shame. It's just - I know how it feels to need your Dad but him not being there for you. At her age, yeah, I wouldn't have had the confidence to just assert myself and tell him I needed him. I didn't. I still haven't. And now I don't need him."

"You sure about that?"

"Yes. I am."

"Well," he didn't press me, "Mercury and I had a very long talk. All her activism is related to feeling disconnected from her family, me and her Mom. I suppose it didn't take a genius to figure that out, but I was sure oblivious. Brenda still isn't there for her, but I'm going to be from now on. And I made sure she knows it."

"Good, I'm proud of you, Derek."

"Yeah, she even got rid of her dreads. Thank god."

I laughed. "You didn't tell her to, did you?"

"No, she made the decision on her own. It was like once she understood that I'm here for her, that she can rely on me, she didn't need to go out of her way to be different anymore. To draw attention to herself."

"I'm happy for you and her," I told him. "She's a lucky girl."

"She still has to justify me sending her to that hotshot college. She promised me she's going to make the dean's list next semester. Probably because I told her I'd buy her a car if she did."

"Really!" I laughed, nearly spilling my wine.

"Sure. Why not? I'd buy her one right now, but let her think she has to earn it. Besides, she needs to get in those classes and hopefully learn what real journalism is. You know, being objective and reporting the facts. Not pushing your personal political agenda."

"Where'd you get your journalism degree again?" I teased him.

"Anybody knows that," he admonished me. "With any luck she'll change her major."

"Oh, you haven't given up getting one of your kids to be a doctor, huh?"

"I never expected them to. I just want them to have a respectable profession. And I'm not sure journalism is that right now."

"Maybe she'll be the one to change that," I suggested.

"Shiloh - where do you get this stuff? You amaze me. You don't even know Mercury but you nailed it. That's exactly what she's capable of doing."

I smiled to myself. "I don't know, it just makes sense. She's passionate, it sounds like."

"Yes she is. And I'm afraid she's going to experience a lot of disappointment because of it."

"Now, Daddy, you can't protect her from everything."

He sighed. "I know. Listen, I'd really love to get you here to meet her and Jonas. Their spring breaks are around the same time. Think you could get away?"

"I'll have to ask Couslard," I told him. "If I lie and tell him I'm not going to see you he'll probably agree."

"I'll talk to him," he asserted.

"No, no, don't do that. I don't need you speaking for me. I handle my own things."

"Independent, are we?"

"I don't want anyone thinking that you're pulling strings for me. I worked hard to get where I am. As much as I love you, I don't need you to run interference for me."

"Understood," he said, a little chastened.

"It's hard enough to be a woman in this field, no matter what progress we've made," I went on. "The last thing I need is the great Dr. Wiley throwing his weight around on my behalf."

"All right, Shy, I get it," he said.

"I'm sorry. It just - "

"I know your career is important to you. I've always been about helping colleagues who deserve recognition, and that's what I see in you. If you need me to do anything, just say the word."

"I will. Thank you, Derek."

"Once we're married, of course, it'll be hard for you to separate yourself from me, professionally," he observed.

"You're assuming we're getting married."

He was silent for a moment. "I hope we are. I want you in my life. I love you."

"I love you, too," I said. "But please, let's not rush right now."

"Your biological clock is ticking," he said, to my amazement, affronting me.

My temper flared. "Are you kidding me? You're dragging that out?"

"You said you wanted children. You're at a prime age right now."

"I do, but -"

"I know that's a tired old cliché," he admitted. "But there is truth in it. Sure, women give birth in their forties, but you know the risks. "

"I do, but I also know there are plenty of things that can be done to mitigate those risks."

"Can I ask you something?" he asked, very serious.

"Yes, of course."

"Why are you so hesitant about us marrying?"

I took a deep breath. "I guess I just want to be sure I'm doing it for the right reasons. If it was solely about loving you, there would be no thinking."

"It should be about love," he said firmly. "Why else get married?"

"Love doesn't keep people together, Derek. You loved Brenda, didn't you?"

"That was over twenty years ago. I was a different person then."

"I want to marry for life. If we're having children, I want you to be there for them as long as you and I live. I want you to be my husband forever."

"I want that, too," he said. "Come on, we both know you'll outlive me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. We'd have an awesome life, Shiloh. You can have children, we'd be able to travel and you could work as much or as little as you want to."

Of course he was right. With his means and my earning capability, we'd be set for life, financially.

"Who knows," his voice softened, "maybe one of our children will be a doctor."

I had to smile. "I'd like that," I said.

"We'll talk more in Omaha," I said, unwilling to commit to anything over the phone. "All right?"

"I'll convince you with my Casanova techniques," he said playfully. "I'll treat you like a princess - nay, a queen!"

I laughed out loud. "You already do, Derek. I have no complaints about that."

"I'll do it for the rest of our lives. I swear."

"I love you," I couldn't help saying. Well, I did. There was no denying it.