The Arrangement Ch. 02

Daniel took a seat on the metal bleacher next to her. "Your nachos," he said as he passed her the plastic bowl piled high with chips, chilli and cheese. "Extra jalapenos, just like you wanted."

Jill focused on living in the moment. She smiled, "It's nice hearing them called hal-e-pen-yos and not jal-e-pen-yos."

"What?" he asked.

"Just another of the odd things they say," she supplied. She moaned after biting into the delicacy that never tasted quite the same in England. "Damn, that is good."

"You love your food," he said.

Jill stopped with cheese dripping off the next chip poised inches from her mouth. She looked at her full figure. His words stung as if he had slapped her. "I might not be a size zero model, but I'm not exactly fat either," she said defensively.

Daniel shook his head. "I'm sorry. I did not mean it like that at all. It's actually kind of nice."

Simone broke in, saddling her robust busts up against her husband's arms. "That's right. Just more of us for the lovin'. Ain't dat right, Sammy? More cushion for da pushin'."

Everyone laughed at her forthright words. Even as her husband blushed and slapped lightly at her bottom. "Watch your mouth, woman."

Jill turned back to watch the game, before anyone could see the tears that glistened in her eyes. It was not his fault, she thought. It was not his words that ricocheted through her mind at night. "What man could really want you? You're fat and what's more you don't even try to take care of yourself."

***

Daniel ushered Jessica towards the car. He could see Jill struggling with the fastener on Bel's boaster seat.

"Who's she anyway?" his daughter demanded sullenly. Dragging her equipment bag, even as she drug her feet.

He searched for the right answer. Jessie would not be satisfied with the simple answer of a 'nice lady' that Bel had. Of course, the babies needed no explanation; just cuddles and pancakes.

"She's a friend of gran's, who is going to help out until I can find a nanny," he said, assuring himself it was not a complete lie.

His daughter scowled, "We don't need no one. I told you I can manage. I took care of the babies when mom was..." Words hung in the air. "I took care of the others even when she was alive."

Daniel felt the knife to his gut. "I know, sweetie, but you shouldn't have to."

Guilt nibbled at his heart. How had he not seen how bad things had become those last couple of years? Alright, he had always known that Rachel was not the domestic type. His beautiful wife had never reformed from the spoiled, rich party girl that she had been when they met. But the house was always passable, the girls clothed and fed, even if it was mostly take-out. How long had Jessie been bearing the burden that was never hers? He wondered now.

He hit the button on his key ring. The click told them that glass window on the back of the car was open. Jessie was pouting as she tossed her gear bag into it.

Jill had finally conquered the cursed fastener. She was now rising to her full stature, a triumphant look upon her face.

"Jessica, this is Jill," he said. "Jill, the sulking pre-teen is my daughter, Jessica." He offered apologetically.

Jill extended her hand. "It's nice to meet you, Jessie. Your grandmother told me a lot about you. But not how good a soccer player you are. That goal was really good."

The young girl looked at the ground. "Yeah. Whatever," she mumbled as she held open the door.

Jill climbed in first and buckled the seat belt. Jessie took the seat on her right, next to the window. She promptly pulled out her IPod and plugged it into her ears.

Daniel climbed into the driver's seat. His legs brushed against Jill's as he folded his tall frame into the car.

He had forgotten how packed and intimate even his Explore could be. He tried to remember the last time that Rachel had gone with them on one of their family outings. But failed. Those last couple of years she had begged off so many things. She said that she needed some time alone, but he had always wondered.

There was nothing he could do about the past...as much as he might like to. Turning the key, he smiled at his girls. "Next stop home."

***

Jill wiped Britney's face. The baby giggled, revealing the dimple is her left check.

"You really are a cheeky little monkey, sweetheart," Jill said as she tickled the baby's side.

Ashley began to whimper uncharacteristically in her high chair. "Alright, sweetie, you're next. Just let me get your sister's hand clean," she ran the damp cloth across the baby's hands as well. She placed Britney on the kitchen floor, which she had just swept. The baby crawled towards the box of toys in the corner.

"Your turn now, angel," she smiled.

Jill had to remind herself once more not to get too attached to the babies. But over the past couple of days, it was a fight that she feared she had already lost. The girls, even sulking Jessie, had been a delight. Jill had played Barbie's and read books with Bel. She had even attempted to engage Jessie in conversation about soccer with some limited success. The tween had grudgingly admitted that she knew quite a bit about the sport 'for an old lady.'

But it was the twins for whom the fight was the hardest. She had insisted that Daniel allow her to care for the babies while she was there. After all, it was the least she could do to repay his hospitality. It had been almost twenty years since she cared for babies. She had forgotten the softness, the warmth and the unconditional love that they exuded.

She would miss it when she left this place, but she had come to a decision. She was going to purchase an older car and begin her tour of America. Even her limited funds would get her quite a ways if she camped out and stayed in hostels, where possible. Besides she could always pick up money in any café that had a help wanted sign.

If she felt a bit let down by her decision, there was not much she could do now. It was the best of her options.

"All done, my girls," she pronounced as she placed Ashley on the floor. She promptly headed straight to where her sister sat playing with a plastic worm.

Jill used the damp cloth to clean the high chairs.

***

Daniel growled as he tossed the paper upon a growing pile on the coffee table. How hard could it be? Finding one qualified, responsible and caring person to look after four girls. But over the past couple of days, it was as daunting a mission as he had ever undertaken.

This one was too old to manage four active girls. That one too inexperienced. This one too strict and unloving. That one too lenient. This one didn't speak enough English. That one didn't drive.

He growled again in utter frustration as Jill entered the room. He stood up and took the heavily laden tray that she carried. "Here, let me help you with that."

She handed it over with a smile, "I just thought you could use some lunch. How's the search going for a nanny?"

"Finding terrorists hiding in the mountains of Afghanistan is easier," he replied weakly.

"I hope you find the right person," she replied as she turned to leave.

"How about you? Any word from your cousin?" he inquired.

"Actually, I'm thinking about buying a used car and just hitting the road," she responded, stopping in the doorway.

Daniel frowned, "Isn't that a bit dangerous for a woman alone?"

Jill shook her head, "I'll manage...probably better than you will if that stack of papers is the reject file." She gestured towards what was in fact the reject pile.

"Thanks a lot for the reminder." His deep rich laughter filled the room as she headed back into the kitchen to make some other delightful concoction for dinner.

Patting his tummy, he thought 'I'd better get back to the field soon or I'm going to be out of regulation with that woman's cooking.' A low moan came from his lips as he bit into the thick sandwich rich with beef left over from the night before and a dressing that was unlike anything he had tasted before.

"Damn, that woman can cook," he said around a large bite.

Why was it that in the hundreds of resumes he had read and the dozen interviews there was not a single woman to be found that could cook, clean and take care of the girls like this one had? She stepped off the plane and simply took over, making everything look easy.

His brows furrowed deep with thought as he finished off the sandwich.

***

Jill washed a pot as she stared out the kitchen window. The street was bustling with young families out for walks and bike rides. The sun would not go down for another couple of hours. Jessie had asked to go see Althea and Bel was with the little girl next door.

From the window, she could see the Commander entertaining the twins in the wading pool. The man looked way too good in khaki shorts and a t-shirt. Not as good as in those white boxers, of course. Turning to wipe down the table, she reminded herself not to ogle the man.

She pondered what to do now. She could go watch some television she supposed. She had always been partial to American shows, even if they were weeks or months old by the time they appeared on British channels. Crime dramas were her favorites.

She headed into the living room but stopped just inside the doorway. A picture caught her eye. It was a family portrait. The Commander and a devastatingly beautiful blonde woman with a much younger Jessie. The other little girl must be Bel, but she could not have been much older than the twins were now. They were all giggling in the picture as Daniel and the girls attempted to tickle the woman. Rachel.

Jill had spent the past two years working in a day center for people with mental health issues. She had even received some basic counselling training. She knew people, who suffered with depression. She had even known a couple, who had attempted suicide.

The laughing blue eyes that looked at her from that picture showed no signs of sadness. Certainly not of depression so deep that it would drive her to take her own life.

Rubbing her finger across the glass, she whispered, "Why?"

"If I knew that don't you think I would have done something...anything to stop her."

Jill jumped. She was startled by his presence; the man seemed almost a ghost, moving about without making the least bit of noise. She was certain it was a skill that made him very good at his job, but it made her more than a little uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry," was her only response to the hurt and defensive tone of his voice.

"I need to get some more towels. The other ones are wet. Would you mind going outside with the girls?" he commanded.

Jill nodded and brushed past him as she headed outside. It was clear from his tone that she had overstayed her welcome, prying as it were into things that were not her business. But it was hard for her to disconnect from the girls. And each day she stayed it would only get harder. Her resolve grew firmer; she had to get out of here...before it was too late.

As if to verify her thoughts, she caught his smell, soap and man, nothing more. It was intoxicating. Washing across her senses like a cool breeze on a hot summer's day, she sighed. If she did not leave soon, this man would be her undoing.

***

Daniel sat on the back steps. He could hear Jill singing a lullaby to the twins. Her voice was horrid. Each note flatter and more off-tune than the last. At least, I know she isn't perfect, he thought.

How could someone insinuate themselves so completely into his family in three days? But this woman had. Whether it was her cooking that was definitely putting weight on him and the girls; the easy way that she managed the house, multi-tasking until everything and everyone shone bright and clean; or the easy and genuine love and care that she gifted on each of his girls, love and care that made him a bit jealous and ache for even a smidgeon of her affections; this woman fit. Fit into their lives like a missing puzzle piece.

If she left now, he knew that Bel would be devastated. The two of them had formed a close bond, playing dolls for hours as the babies crawled about. It had made him realize exactly how badly his middle child had craved for feminine attention, taking her mother's death and emotional abandonment more deeply than he had known. The twins too had taken to the woman, although they were easier to please; milk, food, clean diapers and a few toys and anyone could be their friend.

Of course, Jessie would probably be happy to see her go, but he could sense that even she was melting just a bit, responding to the interest that Jill showed to her activities, especially soccer. Given time, he was certain that she would come to accept the woman, who had taken a bit of the burden her young shoulders were too thin to manage alone.

"What about you, buddy? You happy to see the woman go?" he asked the darkness.

Besides the obvious, cooking, cleaning and the true care that she showed his girls, he admitted that there was something else about her. The few conversations that they had the past couple of days had been comfortable. Comfortable might seem an odd word, but he was not accustomed to conversations with women that were anything other than contentious, angry even.

When he had seen Jill looking at that picture, it had been a reminder of one thing; what a miserable failure he was as a husband. How could he have not seen the depression? Oh, he knew that Rachel was not happy with their life. She made that damned clear. He had thought that they might even get a divorce. But he had never for a moment thought she would commit suicide.

'Why' had haunted his life for nine months and probably would for the rest of his life. It was not an easy enemy to confront. Why had he not seen the truth? Why had Rachel thought everything so hopeless that she would leave the girls? Him, he could understand. They had long since stopped loving one another. The Navy his mistress and true love as she had accused thousands of times over the years.

And Rachel was never one to play second fiddle to anyone. She craved center stage like the spoiled, youngest child of the wealthy family that she was. He chuckled almost fondly, she would have been at place on one of those television reality shows where all the women did was shop and go to parties. She certainly was not cut out for the long absences and responsibilities that marriage to a Navy Seal brought with it. Even though Simone and some of the other wives had reached out to her, Rachel had never really fit in with this life-style that required self-sacrifice.

His senses trained over the years to be at constant alert, he heard the creak of the screen door as it opened. Silence hung in the crisp Ocean air; the woman stood in the doorway as if uncertain how to proceed. It was a feeling that he could sympathize with at the moment.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you were out here," Jill said.

"The girls asleep?" he asked as he lifted the bottle of lukewarm beer to his lips.

She nodded as she turned back to go inside.

"Don't go," he commanded.

"I really don't want to bother you."

"Actually, I was going to come looking for you anyway. There is something I wanted to discuss," he said.

***

Jill reluctantly took a seat on the step next to him, but declined the bottle of beer when he passed it to her.

"Never liked the stuff. More of a wine girl."

He nodded and brought the bottle back up to his lips. His profile shown proudly in the soft moonlight. Up close, she could see the fine lines around his eyes, lines drawn by time and responsibility. He was a man with plenty of those that was for certain.

Jill crossed her hands in her lap to keep from reaching up and touching his beard. What would it feel like? Would it be as soft as it looked? His dark brown hair too was longer than she was accustomed to. She knew of course that the US military had loosened its once stringent regulations on such things. Fitting it with local cultures and camouflage were more important than tradition, at least in this country.

Her heart stuttered as she remembered David in his dress uniform. Hair cut short in keeping with customs, his olive cheeks shaved clean. Even after five years, it still hurt a bit to remember the man that had been her first lover, best friend and husband for almost twenty years.

But the past was not something she could change. And while her future might not be the one, she had dreamt of, it would be one of her choosing. She watched him in silence as he lowered the empty bottle, resting it on his knees. Resolve welled up inside of her.

"So what did you want to talk about?" she asked.

"Are you serious about buying some old clunker and just going?"

His words stung. While it might not seem the most logical option to someone like him, or even to most people, Jill had always been someone who followed her heart. If it had not worked on this particular occasion, it had when she had given up her home and country to follow a man she loved. Their happy marriage and the four sons they had produced attested to her instincts. Still his words made her feel defensive, "Is it any of your damned business?"

"Yeah, it's my mother's fault you came on this damned wild goose chase to begin with. So, hell yeah, I'd feel like shit if anything happened to you. I have enough fucking blood on my hands as it is." He stared straight ahead at the moon as if seeing ghosts that were not there.

Jill fought the urge to wrap her arms about those broad shoulders that bore more pain and responsibility than any human ought. If things had been different, she thought. But they were not. He had made his choice. He did not want to risk hurt or share the burdens that he carried. And she would do well to remember that. "Well, don't worry about me, Commander. I'm a big girl," she said as she stood and turned to leave.

His hand grabbed hers. She could feel the callouses as they rubbed against her palm. She froze at the heat. Her heart stuttered in her chest with an old familiarity. She shook herself as for a moment she too felt ghosts pass over this place, even if for her they brought a comfort. Something she doubted this man had felt in a very long time.

"No, please don't go," he pleaded. "I always screw these things up." His other hand ran across his face as he sighed deeply.

The battle waged in her mind. She knew that she ought to run, seek out the safety of the room that she shared with the twins. Pull up the edges of the quilt that seemed made with such loving care and try to forget this man, the girls and the longings of her betraying heart. But the quiet strength of this man touched a part of her that she thought long since dead. A part of her that ached to soothe and comfort just as much as she would his crying twins. It had been a long time since she felt that protective of a man.

In the end, it was not his words that she responded to, but the unspoken needs that they hid. She returned to her seat next to him. Their thighs brushed against one another once more.

"You know I've been looking for a nanny."

Jill simply nodded. If a friendly ear was all he sought from her, it was certainly something that she would offer freely.

"It isn't going as well as I hoped," he explained.

"I'm sorry for the girls' sake and yours."

"I was thinking. You are really good with them. The house is cleaner than it has been in...ever. And your cooking is amazing. You don't really have any place to go or anything."

Jill frowned at his last words. They seemed so cold and logical as if a computer were analysing the situation and calculating best possible outcomes based upon nothing more than strings of zeroes and ones. It reminded her of how different they were. The man who followed his sense of duty and the woman who followed her heart.