The Assassin and the Sorceress Ch. 06

With her distracted, my feet pushed against the floor and propelled me forward. Again, I don't remember telling my feet to do that. They pushed against something soft next. Was I running across my bed? I was looking at her from above, after all. I flew towards the door, the only exit from here to safety. She was blocking the way, but I ran anyway.

The pillow floated to the floor as her maniacal eyes met mine. As I drew near to her, my elbow collided with her right collarbone, just under her neck. I felt my elbow sink into her flesh, even though it was all bone. Something cracked. She moved back just enough to allow me through the door of my bedroom. The path down the stairs and out the front door was clear, and my feet wasted no time.

It was over! I had lived! I looked around at the village square, the open sky greeting me warmly, the few villagers present staring at me, confused. I had no recollection of how I had gotten there. Had I even opened my front door? I had to have, but I didn't remember it. I was halfway across town from my house, but I didn't remember deciding to run here. I didn't care. I was safe from her!

Suddenly, I was aware of excruciating pain in my right forearm and left side. What had happened? That's right, Mother had hit me there with the poker. My upper lip and left eye hurt, too, but my forearm was the worst. I felt it tenderly with my left hand. The touch hurt it even more, but I probed anyway. Nothing seemed to be moving that shouldn't. I think a bone was cracked, but thankfully the break hadn't gone all the way through. I decided I had best favor that arm for a while. I started to cry. Now that I was safe, I suppose I could afford that luxury.

The other townsfolk looked at me with curiosity, but I wasn't sure if any of them actually cared what was wrong with me. Actually, I didn't want them to know what had just happened. I would rather just act like nothing had happened, but I couldn't stop crying so I found a corner to hide behind where I could be alone. At least here I could think in peace. Was my mother actually trying to kill me? It wasn't the first time she had beaten me, though she had never used anything like the iron poker as an implement before. No, what she had done was in a blind fit of rage. I don't think she was trying to kill me, though I wondered if she might have killed me accidentally if I hadn't fought back.

Whatever had filled her thoughts just now, I knew I couldn't go back to the house. Not now, maybe not ever. Then where? I first thought of finding Father at the stables, but he was submissive to Mother as well. He was kind to me, but would he really risk anything, even a scolding, to defend his only daughter? I doubted it. He was a weakling without a drop of hero's blood in him.

I thought of going to the castle to appeal to the guards. Officially, they were supposed to respond to crimes that occurred within the town, but I knew they were slow to protect us lowly peasants. Master Richard Barber had once appealed to them to solve a burglary that had occurred in his house, however they didn't lift a finger to find the missing items.

Then I knew where to go. Joseph would keep me safe. If I married him, I would never have to live in my terrible mother's house again! Surely he would agree to marry me, especially to protect me! I had to see him. Suddenly hopeful, I got up and ran to his house.

I arrived and knocked on the door with desperate vigor. "Joseph! Joseph, I need help! Please let me in!"

The door opened, but it wasn't Joseph. It was his father. He stared at me, quite confused. "Who is this? You're that Morinth girl. What are you doing here?"

"Master Butcher, please! I need to speak to Joseph right now!"

"Morgana? Is that you? What's happened?" It was Joseph's voice coming from just inside. I pushed my way past his father and entered the house. Joseph was sitting at the table, along with his mother. Apparently they were finishing up a late breakfast. Then I noticed Rebecca sitting at the table as well. Wait, she wasn't his sister. What was she doing over so early? They were looking at me oddly, even Joseph.

"Joseph, can I talk to you? Alone, please?"

"Morgana, what on God's earth happened to you? Look, this is a really bad time, but..." Before he could finish, Rebecca interrupted.

"Joseph, why is the creepy girl here?" She sounded angrily suspicious. "To see YOU?" she added.

Joseph opened his mouth to answer, but the words did not seem to come to him.

"Morinth, uh, Morgana," his father began, "you should leave. We're discussing important matters." He was polite, but firm.

"We did NOT invite you in here," his mother added, notably less polite.

"Please!" I begged "I just... need... to talk! To Joseph! Now!"

Joseph got up from his chair and stood next to me so he could talk quietly to me despite the shouting. "Look, what we did was a mistake. I shouldn't have done that, and I'm sorry. I'll talk to you when I can, but maybe the town guards could..."

"What, exactly DID you and Morgana do, Joseph?" Rebecca asked, almost shouting. Apparently Joseph hadn't spoken quietly enough. "I've seen her following you around. You didn't seriously fuck her, did you?"

"My son did nothing of the sort! I've never seen him with that girl once," his mother declared.

"I did," Joseph admitted. The room was finally silent. "It was months ago, and we haven't done anything since. I know I shouldn't..."

"WHAT?" Rebecca interrupted again, standing up so quickly her chair fell over backwards. Tears were starting to come from her eyes. "Joseph, how could you? When did you do this? Why?"

"It was back in February. I know, I'm sorry. It's just... I had just rescued her from a bad situation. She was freezing and very upset, I just brought her in to try to warm her up and calm her down, make sure she wasn't hurt. I... went farther than I intended. I have no excuse."

"You were unfaithful to poor, sweet Rebecca here in our own house?" his mother asked, sounding more hurt than angry.

"Wait, was that the night the stupid girl froze herself to that lamppost?" Rebecca asked.

"Yes, it was," he admitted. "Wait a minute, you were THERE for that?" he added, suddenly sounding a bit angry himself.

"So what? You are in NO position to scold me for ANYTHING! You cheated on me, you FORNICATOR!"

"If you had been decent enough not to leave her there like that, I never would have found her in the first place. I wouldn't have fucked her out of sympathy." Joseph was surprisingly calm despite Rebecca's yelling. "So I guess you're partially responsible, too. There, we both have our sins to atone for."

"Okay, we will talk about this, but can it please not be RIGHT IN FRONT OF THIS WHORE?"

"She's right, you need to leave. Now!" his father commanded.

Things were hectic now. Rebecca and Joseph's mother were both yelling at him for what he had done with me that time. Joseph's father was ordering me to leave. Finally, Joseph put a stop to everything.

"WILL EVERYBODY STOP TALKING? THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS!" he shouted in a voice that nearly shook the house. I had never heard Joseph yell like that before, and apparently neither had the others. He was usually so calm and in control, yet even this shouting seemed to have been calculated. The room was finally quiet again.

"Am I seriously the only one who's noticed Morgana's face? Look at her! Can't you see she's been beaten?" There was a pause while he let that sink in with his family. I hadn't thought about what my face must have looked like until then. I realized that I could feel my eye and upper lip starting to swell up.

"Look, Morgana, we can't be together. I should have been more straight with you earlier. But I will try to help you. Please tell us what happened to you."

"My mother, she beat me. She kicked me, then she started hitting me with a fire poker. I ran away." Tears were still coming out of my eyes, but I managed to avoid sobbing.

"Helen, that awful woman... I always suspected." Mister Butcher muttered under his breath, barely audible.

"Are you still in danger?" Joseph asked me.

"I don't know."

"Okay, look. We can walk you to the town guards if you don't want to go alone. They can help you."

"They won't."

"Yes, they will!"

"I don't need the guards."

"Then what DO you need? We'll try to help you how we can, but I can't promise everything."

"I can't live there anymore. Please, I need to be away from her!"

"Morgana... I'm getting married to Rebecca. Or, I was. Hopefully I still am. That's what we were talking about just now, as it was. It wouldn't be right for you to live here."

"No, please! I can't go back! I can't!"

"My son will be moving into their new house," his father said. "But that won't be for another month, at least. I suppose you can stay with Meredith and I if it's a matter of safety, but not while Joseph still sleeps here, especially after what we just learned. I will talk to your mother if you think it will help. I will talk to the guards if you want. But you have to find another place to stay for the present."

It was too much for me to take. Joseph, my love, was getting married to another woman. I started sobbing uncontrollably. What did I have left in life? A drunken, useless father? A former childhood friend who had betrayed me? A mother who beat me and wouldn't even let me say 'hello' to her? Nothing! I had nothing! They didn't even get it. It wasn't safety I wanted. I wanted a place to belong! They wouldn't even consider it. Without another word, I turned to run out the still open door.

"Wait, let us help you!" Joseph cried to me and grasped at my wrist, trying to hold me. His fingers grazed the tender area on my forearm. I cried out in pain and he let go. I ran. He called for me again, but did not follow. Where was I to run now? I didn't know. I just ran.

***

It was the cave I went to. I don't even remember when I decided to retreat to my childhood haven, but that was where I found myself. It was strange, being back in a place of my childhood. I hadn't seen it in years. It looked a bit different now, but it was still hauntingly familiar. It was a sad place, it always had been, but it was where I would go to find solace when I couldn't bear the rest of the world. Under the dire circumstances, though, it was a dismal reunion.

I sat with my back against the cave wall, arms holding my knees tight to my chest. Blood and tears dried on my aching face as I remembered the imaginary friend I used to believe in. I would shout all my problems to him, and he would listen. At the time, I was so convinced that he would sometimes talk to me, reply with emotions and ideas that couldn't have come from my own head. I realized how silly that sounded now.

"Morgana..."

I jumped to my feet so fast I hit my head on the rock above me. It had been a deep and powerful voice, the likes of which I had never heard before. My heart was pounding. Frightened, I looked around for its source. I couldn't tell which direction it had come from. Outside the cave? Deeper in? Right next to me?

"Morgana, I know your soul grieves. I can help you."

"Who are you?" I could hear the fright in my own voice.

"You needn't fear me, for we have met many times before." There was something very strange about his voice. It wasn't the unusual deepness of it, or even that it seemed to come from no direction. There was a hollowness to it, something missing, like it wasn't really there. Was I hallucinating?

"Met? I've never heard your voice before."

"That's because I have never more than whispered to you until now. But you have spoken to me many times, right in this very spot. You told me your pain, your grievance, your despair. You trusted me with all your secrets, and I was touched that you did."

"You're real!"

"Of course I am. You knew I was real then. Of that you had no doubts. Tell me, when did you stop believing in me? Must children always cast away their dreams of magic and wondrous things before they can achieve adulthood?"

"Who are you? What are you?" I was slowly backing out of the cave, terrified of this inhuman entity. What unknowable horror had I unwittingly played with in the innocence of my childhood?

"Please, Morgana. Do not fear me. I know the pain you are in, for I have felt it myself long ago." I stopped for the moment.

"I know what it feels like to be cast out by those who should have loved you, by those who claimed to love you, all for the simple crime of asking for what you deserve. Just like you, I wanted nothing more than to be treated as an equal instead of as a servant, to be recognized for my talents, to be embraced as a friend and a brother. And for making these innocent requests, we both have been mocked and scored by our peers, even shunned! For daring to desire to be anything above our lowly station, the station they themselves forced upon us in their vanity and pride! I listened to your pain for all those years, and I wept for you, my poor, sweet Morgana!"

I took a few steps deeper into the cave. I finally realized what was odd about his voice. My ears seemed to remember hearing only the silence of the cave. This voice was not truly a sound at all. But unlike a hallucination, there was nothing imaginary about it. It was like the voice was speaking directly into my mind, bypassing my ears altogether. But unlike the formless thoughts and feelings that I had sensed as a child, these were actual words with at least the idea of voice, deepness, and inflection.

"But who are you? You're not... the devil? Are you?"

"Are you asking if I am the Great Deceiver who is written of within the pages of your Bible?"

"I suppose so."

"And do you believe that the words within this Bible are true?"

"Well, no. Not really."

"Then you are wise. But as to your question, I shall answer directly: no, I am not the devil as depicted in the Bible. In truth, there exists no such being."

I was relaxed now. All the fear had left me. In fact, I felt at home here.

"But who ARE you? Do you have a name?"

"You ask a difficult question, Morgana. I do have a name, though it is not spoken in your language. In truth, it is not spoken at all, for it is not said with tongue nor lips. Neither could your mortal mind comprehend it. On occasion, people of your world have given me names in their tongue, but those names were what they saw me as. A flea may land on the ear of an elephant and in its entire life perceive nothing of the elephant but the ear, though he may consider it vast. Just so, have many mortals come to know but a small part of who I am. How, then, can any name given to me by a mortal truly have meaning for you, to whom I have revealed much more?"

"Oh! So can I see the elephant's entire head?" I said with a sly grin.

"I have shown you my heart."

"Oh." I almost felt bad. I had made a joke at him, only to have it returned with such a sincere reply. An idea came to me of how I might make it up to him.

"Then maybe I could give you a name. A name for your heart, at least. I suppose it would only be my own name for you, but I have to call you something, don't I?"

"I would like that. What will you name me?"

"Hmm... I don't know yet. I want it to be a good one, so I'll think for a bit longer."

"Thank you, Morgana. It is a simple gift, but one more meaningful to me than anything a king could give me among all his worldly possessions. I look forward to hearing it."

I think I may have actually blushed.

"But Morgana, I have decided to speak to you for matters more important than meeting an old friend. As I said, I know of your pain. You are in great despair, and I worry for you. The mortal soul can only bear so much, even one as resilient as your own. You have been deprived the basic joys of life for so long: friendship, family, love, acceptance, esteem. You have done nothing to deserve this treatment, but I can tell you why they have refused to accept you as one of them."

"Please, why is that? I've wondered my whole life what was different about me!"

"They fear you because you are wiser than them."

"Wiser? Because I read books? I didn't think they even realized I was smart."

"No. You do learn difficult skills with extraordinary ease, but I speak of something greater. You have an innate wisdom that goes far deeper than intellectual skill, though yours is great. Morgana, you have the gift to see life as it is! You see people for who they are! You have noticed the games they play for petty gains. The children strive for popularity, taking one another down to raise themselves up. Your false friend, Susan, dominates and degrades you simply to make herself look better in comparison. A mother and father fight for dominance of their household, willfully oblivious that their struggles only damage the very household they are fighting for. Your mother fights that battle fiercely to this day, despite that she has won over your indifferent father long ago. The fight is all she knows. And your father, rather than face the perceived shame of this defeat, hides in his drink and distances himself from family he was supposed to love and protect.

"Kings and nobility fight to have more riches and power than their lessers, always vying for more than their share, never satisfied no matter how much they gain. Lord Abel, high up in Ash Keep, pretends to watch over his peasants, though he has never lifted a finger in defense of anyone but himself. The priests of the church force their rules on you, speaking of morality and holiness, though they follow not a single rule of their own. And why should they? All their rules are for is to control your lives. They tell you that things which are good and natural are abominations in the eyes of a wrathful god. Fearful of damnation, their followers bow their heads to them, heed their every rule, and turn over their meager wealth without a second thought.

"And love! Love is the worst of games that men and women play. Men feign love for sexual conquest, and women feign it so they may be worshipped by their men; given offerings of gold and vain flattery. I know you felt true love for Joseph. And Morgana, I know that he loved you as much as you loved him. Yet even this kind, young man turned away from the love he had for you in favor of a better prize. He doesn't love her. He loves the things she will give him. Marrying you would have gained him nothing but true happiness. But with Rebecca he gains popularity, an increase in social standing. His friends will esteem him for claiming her, he will receive more wedding gifts, they will be invited to more parties, their children will be given preferential treatment. He has betrayed you and your love, all for these petty, earthly things."

I knew he was right. I had felt these things all along, but had never been able to put these suspicions into words. With his revelations of my false friends, my parents, and the church, I felt my rage building up as I finally understood their selfish motives. But when he told me of Joseph and Rebecca, all I felt was a quivering sorrow in my chest. I just couldn't bring myself to be angry at Joseph, even for loving another woman more than of me. Maybe I was a fool. Even after his betrayal of our love, I was still willing to beg like a starving mutt in hopes of one small scrap of kindness. Had I learned nothing in all these years?

"But you, Morgana, have always seen past these things. You have desired not wealth nor status: these things which must be fought for without mercy. You have desired only love and happiness, which are free to give and receive. They saw that you did not play their games. They knew that if you were allowed to find happiness another way than theirs, that you would show the world by your example the falsity of their ways. And so, though you offered your love freely, they rejected it and gave you none of their own back."