The Assistant Stage Manager

The black side to the situation was Alec's departure from the company. The company was due to return to its city base and it was anticipated that it would be there for a couple on months before going on tour again. This meant that Alec and Rachel would be able to see each other; in fact it was arranged that Alec would go to live with Rachel in her flat. It was what would happen to them when the next tour started that troubled them. How would they feel being separated for possibly months?

The situation changed when Rachel announced that she was pregnant. This flung Alec into a state of confusion. He only had a meagre student's allowance to live on and could not see how he could keep a mother and child on that.

Rachel, who would not have an abortion even if Alec had asked her, which he did not, said she would go on working as long as possible, but she couldn't possibly go on tour.

This was overcome to some extent when, having announced her pregnancy to company's management, rather than lose her considerable skills in theatre and organization, she was offered a job that would keep her at the base with no hard labour.

If Rachel was adamant about not aborting the child, Alec was equally obstinate about their getting married. Rachel baulked at this initially, saying that their age difference was too great. Yet they were so assured of the love that felt for each other that finally she surrendered.

They were to get married quietly in the city Registry Office by the Registrar. They went to the office and filled in the necessary papers, then had to attend a meeting with the Registrar a couple of weeks before the wedding ceremony.

It was at that meeting that the sky fell in.

Normally it would have been a happy meeting when the details of the ceremony were gone over. Instead, they were met by a grim faced Registrar.

He began by explaining that the answers they had written to the questions on the papers they had filled in had, as a matter of course, been checked through the computer files of births, death and marriages. He went on to say that giving false answers to the questions entailed a very heavy penalty.

"In this case," he went on, "I don't think we will impose any penalty since you could not have known what our computer revealed. I have to tell you that this marriage cannot go ahead. You said on the form that as far as you knew you were not related in any way. I really regret to have to tell you that you are related."

"But that's not possible, gasped Alec."

"I'm sorry, but it is possible," said the Registrar. "You are related very closely. What we discovered was that you are mother and son."

Alec felt the room spin and Rachel's face turned ashen and she almost fainted.

Through the blur of their bewilderment they heard the Registrar say; "I'm really sorry to be the one to tell you this, but there is nothing that can be done." He got a glass of water for each of them and let them sit until they had recovered sufficiently to stagger from the building.

They said nothing on their way back to the flat, and on arriving they fell into armchairs, staring hopelessly at each other.

Rachel was the first to speak. "I told you darling, I'd only end up hurting you, but I didn't realise just how much we would both be hurt."

"Rachel...how can it be...I mean..."

"I know how it happened, Alec, and you'd better hear the story now and get it over and done with."

Rachel looked totally drained and she spoke in a weary voice.

"Are you sure you want to tell me now?" asked Alec.

"Yes, then it'll all be out and done with. It's very simple really. When I was just fifteen I went to a party. One of the kid's parents had gone away for the weekend, stupidly leaving her at home on her own. She got the crowd in and they nearly wrecked the place."

"There was booze and other stuff all over the place. I'd never drunk alcohol before, but that night I went along with the mob. I got smashed out of my mind and toward the end of the evening some of the guys, I'm not sure how many, seven or eight, dragged me into the big bedroom and raped me."

Rachel had told the story so far almost calmly – cold bloodedly – but now the tears came.

"They didn't...they didn't care...oh God they didn't care about me; they hurt me...hurt me badly...I bled and they didn't care...they laughed...laughed...and I was screaming and no one came."

She calmed again and spoke on quietly so that Alec had to strain to hear. That first night you stayed with me was the anniversary of that rape. I've tried to forget it, but I can't. Every year when that date comes round, I go through hell.

"I got pregnant and as we were Catholics my parents wouldn't let me have an abortion. The child, you, was adopted out. That's what they found in their records."

She laughed hysterically; "I thought I was too happy...that I would have to be punished for being in love. Of all the people we might have met out of all the millions there are, we had to meet and I loved you. Since that party I've never let a man get near me. As far as I was concerned you were the first, and I tell you this Alec, there'll never be another."

So much fell into place for Alec. The hints of something in the past; Rachel's prison that that had been the memory of being raped; but after their first sexual intercourse Rachel had felt freed from that memory; her parent's requests for him to look after her; it all made sense. Rachel's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"They won't take my baby away from me this time. I don't care what I have to do, I shall keep it. If there's some divine punishment to be added to what I've already suffered, then so be it, but I will keep my baby."

"You see what a slut you almost married, Alec? Your own mother my darling."

Exhausted she fell silent, tears coursing down her cheeks. Alec waited to be sure she had finished speaking. For a couple of minutes he watched her as she sat, broken and sobbing. It was as if life, or God or whatever, had finally brought her to the dark night of the soul.

He remained seated when he spoke.

"Rachel, you're not being punished by anyone but yourself. What happened to you might have been because you were reckless...you didn't imagine what would be done to you...but you can't carry a lifetime of guilt for a youthful error of judgement. Nor can you be held responsible because you let someone else have your baby – me."

"You've carried the burden of guilt too long and if I can do anything about it, I shall see you don't carry it anymore."

"You're going to have a baby and it isn't only yours, it's ours, my love, and I intend to be part of its life and yours. You can order me out of your flat, you can refuse to see or speak to me, but I shall never stop trying."

"You didn't come to love me lightly. It never resembled a one night stand or like the sexual antics of those people on tour. You loved me and I think you still love me, and if you didn't come to it lightly neither did I. So, mother or not, you won't get me out of your life easily."

"I'm sure you would have and will make a lovely mother, but don't ask me to feel like a son to you, because I can't. We may not be able to get married, but I'll always be there in your life even if you reject me. My love will haunt you until the day you die, and who knows, perhaps beyond."

There was silence. They stared at each other unmoving until Alec rose, went to Rachel, and kneeling in front of her and said, "I'm asking you – no – begging you if you like, to let me stay with you. Let me share your life. The formality of marriage would have been wonderful, but since that can't be, then let me stay with you, have you in my life. Will you, Rachel?"

Rachel gave a one word answer.

"Yes."