The Authorised Auto-biography of Me

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It all started to spiral out of control from there. I had to develop plants that these life forms couldn't reach and destroy, then I had to create life forms to keep these tall plants under control, then I had to create more developed life forms that would kill and eat these herbivores to keep that population under control, and so it went. As the herbivores got bigger and stronger to fend off the carnivores I created newer and bigger carnivores until the place was over-run with these giants clumping around disturbing everything. It was around then that another problem emerged. It sort of snuck up on me, the lump of rock that you guys call 'Earth' was getting colder and colder, and it was killing off all of these wondrous things, the plants and animals, that I'd worked so hard to create. It was an Ice Age.

The solution that I came up with was a large meteorite. I grabbed it and chucked it at your planet causing it to tilt on its vertical axis. Because the Earth was orbiting the nearest star, the one you call the sun, this meant that the part of Earth closest to the sun got hot while the part furthest away cooled down. Now when the Earth was on the other side of the sun a different part got hot and this created the seasons, the annual temperature variations that saw the area either side of the middle going through periods of both hot and cold weather, resulting in the ice receding in the hot weather and increasing in the cold weather. Some of the plants and animals developed coping mechanisms to handle these changes, while others died off. Note: The UBM got it wrong again when it said that the Earth was the centre of the Universe and all other heavenly bodies revolved around it, but you should know that now. Before this happened, one measure of time was the daily appearance of the sun. This didn't happen as the UBM tells us, with the sun revolving around the Earth, it was happened because the Earth was spinning on its axis. It took a while, but scientific progress eventually confirmed it. Filax had worked that one out much sooner because he explored his environment, asked questions and was open to the truth. The other measure of time around then was the lunar cycles that took place over a 28 day period. After the Earth tilted and the seasons happened, a further measure of time was created, the 365 and a bit days of the seasonal cycle.

Somewhere in amongst all of the animals there was one species that had the potential to become the dominant species for a long time to come, the anthropoids. Among these were those of the genus Homo Sapiens, and I had to have them develop stronger back legs so that they could walk upright. The first attempt, the chimpanzee, was okay, a feisty little beast, but limited because the bigger animals just didn't respect him. The gorilla demanded respect but lacked ambition, all he wanted to do was sit around and eat. By combining the best points of both of these I created Homo Erectus.

Homo Erectus was able to hunt other animals for food as well as gather plants to provide a varied diet. At first a single man went out on his own to hunt, with limited success, until he learnt that teaming up with others he could more efficiently catch and kill these animals, the beginning of co-operation. I had created the 'Hunter/Gatherers' and I thought that I had achieved something special. One aspect of this hominid species I thought I'd got right, but in hindsight, I might have gone a little too far, but I gave it the desire for more than having its needs met, which, in my mind at the time, I thought this 'ambition' was a good thing, but it turned out to be too much of a good thing. It first manifested itself in his desire to find and kill bigger and bigger animals until a couple of things happened, first it was that some big animals just didn't want to lay down and die for him, then one of them, it was an elephant, fought back and picked a man up and smashed him down, killing him. The final problem was that, having killed a big animal, they found that, by the time they were half way through it, the thing began to stink like mad and not only tasted foul, but gave them the runs.

Homo Erectus solved the first problem by inventing weapons that he could chuck at the animals from a safe distance. The first weapon was the stone but his range was limited. Then it was a pointed stick which was more effective. After a time he invented a stick with a cord made from animal intestine that could fire a smaller pointed stick over a greater distance with improved accuracy, the bow and arrow. Having solved that problem he turned his mind to preserving his catch so that none was wasted. Quite by accident, (it wasn't really, I sent lightning to start a fire) he found that placing the carcase on a fire cooked the meat and it lasted much longer, all that he needed to do was to work out how to start a fire in the first place. It took a while but, using the power of reason that I gave him, he succeeded.

Around 160,000 years ago, in your time but a mere blink of an eye in mine, Home Erectus, who, for the sake of ease and to save space, I shall call 'HE', began to look outside his neighbourhood, you know what you say, 'the grass is greener on the other side of the fence', which was a difficult concept given that there were no fences at that time, anyhow HE set off to find the greener grass. He headed north out of the Rift Valley and began to settle in other countries and on other continents. He began displacing other hominid life forms that had been an unsuccessful part of my experiment in dominant species, such as Neanderthal man, which I admit was bit of a disappointment.

Around 10,000 years ago, and this is where the UBM gets it horribly wrong, I persuaded a group of 'Hunter/Gatherer' HE people who were passing through Mesopotamia on their way to somewhere else, that life would be easier for them if they were to stay in one place and grow their food from the seeds and grains of plants that I had provided for just such a purpose. The UBM has it that this was where I created the first man. Masculine bovine excrement! (Actually that doesn't sound forceful enough, I need to colloquialise it.) Bullshit! This was the first example of an agrarian society, those who didn't rely solely on hunting or gathering for their food, but who lived off the fruits that they cultivated. The UBM tells us that the first man was one of these and they called him Adam, who I was supposed to have made in My image, but no-one has ever seen me so how do they know that? But that wasn't the case at all, he was the patriarch of the first Agrarian Man (AM).

I find it a tad offensive that the UBM has totally ignored the whole process that led to this point and portrayed this event as the beginning. Is it a coincidence that the time and place of the supposed 'Creation of Man' just happened in that part of the world at that time when the Hunter/Gatherer became Agrarian Man? In so doing the UBM has portrayed me as something that I am not, I am not a miracle worker, I am an artisan who takes great pride in his work only to see it belittled in this manner. I am also a patient man who, if I don't get it right the first time, will go to Plan B. If I was the vengeful god that I'm portrayed as, I'd destroy the lot of you. You can thank your lucky stars that I am not such a God.

I was supposed to have given Adam a wife, Eve, but I gave him no such person, she was already there, it's just that she was a comely wench who chose to mate with him, but I'm getting ahead of myself a little. Do you think that I gave them the power of reason that would allow them to yield to temptation just so that I can turn them into sinful people? What is sin? A sin is when rules are broken, but if there are no rules a person cannot sin, so I would have to make up a few rules for them to break if they were to become sinners.

If, and this is a big 'if' this was the true beginning of mankind it would have gone, not as the UBM depicts it, but something like this:

Being the kind and considerate God that I am, the rules that I gave them were for their own benefit, for instance, they already knew how to procreate so I didn't consider that to be a sin, after all I wanted them to settle down and raise their own tribe of farmers instead of wandering around the countryside killing all the animals that I put there. To encourage them to do this I made it a process that would give them pleasure. I remember the first time that Eve saw Adam with a huge boner that he didn't know what to do with. She being a woman worked out that if she was to allow him to hide the sausage, she could control him. She grabbed it and stuffed it between her legs, he was so shocked at how good it felt that he decided that anything this good had to be bad so he pulled it out. Before it was all the way out she grabbed his arse cheeks and pulled it back in. They did this a few times before Adam came to realise that pushing in and out felt even better than just leaving it in, so he set about it with gusto. "Holy crap this is good!" He yelled as he continued, "Oh God!" She cried as he continued, I suppose she was thanking me, and it was at that point that Eve realised that she had him by the balls, and all that she needed to do was to let him do it and she could ask for anything she wanted and he'd give it to her.

The first rule that I gave them was not to eat the fruit from the trees until they were ripe. "Wait for the fruit to ripen," I told them, "Because if you don't, not only will you not like the taste of the fruit, but it will give you a ginormous bellyache." But did they listen? No they did not, so I gave them the promised ginormous bellyache and, for good measure, the runs as well. The next rule I gave them was. "It will shortly get very cold and you will need to make some warm clothing. You will kill some sheep and take from them their skins which you will stretch out to dry so that it doesn't stink like hell. When the skins are cured you will be able to wrap yourselves in them to keep warm. Whatever you do, do not use fig leaves because they have little or no thermal efficiency and they'll chafe your reproductive parts like you won't believe." Did they listen? No they did not! The killing and curing of sheep skins was all too hard for them, and I understand that without a knife it was hard going, so they tried the fig leaves with the predicted results.

One day Eve came to me and said. "God I have a problem, You are going to have to do something about Adam, he has only one thing on his mind and, especially after the fig leaf episode when I thought that he might back off a bit, he has only wanted to jump my bones every night. Can you either give him something else to do, or come up with an excuse why I don't have to do it?"

"If you do not wish to engage in sexual congress with him, you have but to say, 'not tonight dear, I've got a headache'. But use this excuse wisely or else he will look elsewhere for his pleasure.

"Where else can he look?" She asked, and then she saw him herding his sheep. "Oh."

Onto the scene came the serpent. Now the UBM depicts the serpent as a snake when he confronted Eve in the garden, but then it has Me punishing the serpent for his efforts in encouraging Eve to eat the fruit of the 'Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil' by turning it into a snake. The conversation (in the UBM) between them went something like this.

Serpent: "I understand that God told you not to eat fruit from any tree in the garden?"

Eve: No, that's not true. He said that we could eat the fruit of any tree but that one in the middle of the garden, but that if we even touched it we would die."

Serpent: You won't die, take it from me, he doesn't want you to eat the fruit because if you do, you will know as much as He does and you will see what's really happening here, the good bits as well as the bad bits. Don't you want to know everything?"

Eve thought, why should God be the only one to know it all, and that it would be great to know everything. She looked at the tree, laden with ripe juicy fruit, and her mouth began to water, she had to have it and hang the consequences. She picked a fruit from the tree and bit into it, it was so good that she ate it all. She took one of the fruit to Adam and gave it to him. "Here try this, it is really great." She wasn't dead so he assumed that it wasn't from the 'Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil' so he took a bite. They immediately realised that they were naked and that it was, what was it, was it good or evil? One part of them said that it was good, Eve in all her feminine glory, her breasts and her hidden pleasure between her legs, Adam his manhood rampant in front of him, what could not be good about that? The other part of them said that they should cover themselves, and they totally forgot what I told them about the weather and sheep skins, and made a covering using fig leaves. Think about this; if they now knew everything, why did they use fig leaves that had the abrasive power of 200 grit sand paper?

When I asked them why they were wandering around with fig leaves on Adam said, "I heard you and hid because I am naked."

"Who said that you were naked?" I asked him.

"That woman you gave me, she made me eat from that tree that you told us not to eat from and, because I now know everything I know that I am naked."

"What have you done?" I asked Eve. I was testing her here, would she take full responsibility for her actions, or would she try to blame someone else.

"The devil made me do it!" She replied. "He seduced me and I ate the fruit because he said it was good."

Now comes the punishment bit:

To the serpent I am supposed to have said something like this; "Because you have done this dastardly deed, you are cursed, cursed beyond all cattle and wild animals, cursed to slink on your belly and eat dirt all your life. (What did the earthworms do to warrant the same curse?) I'm declaring war between you and the woman, between your offspring and hers. (So there is no war between snake and man? Tell that to all the men who have died from snakebite.) He will wound your head, you will wound his heel. (I don't get that, and I'm supposed to have all wisdom.)

I am then supposed to have said to the woman; "I'll multiply your pains in childbirth, you will give birth to your babies in pain. You will want to please your husband but he will lord it over you." When you think of it I didn't have a lot of choice, if woman was to press out something the size of a vegetable marrow out a hole small enough to pleasure a man's erection, it was always going to hurt. It's either that or he's going to need an elephantine cock to get any further pleasure from her.

I am then supposed to have told Adam:

"Because you listened to her and not me, 'Don't eat from that tree,' I said. Or didn't you hear that bit? Anyway, because you listened to her and not me, the ground on which you walk is cursed, and getting food for it will be as painful as her giving birth, you will work in pain all your life and the ground will sprout nothing but thorns and weeds. You will till the soil from dawn to dusk until you die and are returned to the soil from whence you have come. You started life as dirt and as dirt you will end up."

Now that they had eaten from the 'Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil' and knew everything, I was worried that they would eat from the 'Tree of Life' after all I haven't told them they can't, and live forever. I couldn't have that, so I kicked them out of the Garden of Eden. At least that's what the UBM said that I did. Actually, being a kind and forgiving God, I don't think that I would have done anything of the sort. I gave them a couple of bad seasons where they had to struggle to feed themselves and then it was pretty much as it was before.

To see what really happened we again visit the verbit Zogg.

Meanwhile over on Zogg an Agrarian Society was going gang busters. The leader, Zoran had made a discovery that was going to revolutionise the way that they farmed the land. There was a ringit (river) running past his agramon (farm) and he noticed that it still ran, even when there was no quatac falling from quantums (clouds) that moved across the horivon. He also noticed that the quatac always moved in the same direction and reasoned that there was probably a permanent source many multipacs (strides) away. The other thing he noticed was that every decaluns (10 lunar cycles) or thereabouts, so much quatac came down the ringit that it spread over his figlits (fields). 'What', he said to his fellow agramoners, "If we dig ditloks (channels) across our figlits we can control where the quatac goes?" Thus it was that millennia before man on Earth, who believed that I was responsible for everything that happened, especially the bad stuff, came to the same conclusion, Zoran and his fellow agramons had invented irrigation. I looked at them and it was good, and I was pleased. They were using the power of reason that I had given them, not constantly complaining and blaming me, their benevolent God, for every little thing that went wrong.

What else I looked on as good was their orderly society. There was an interaction between maglons (men) and felmaglons (Women) that was based on a system of reciprocal love and affection. The shared emotional experiences led to a society where there were no petty rivalries and jealousies, the reciprocity spread outside the family to include the whole community leading to shared responsibility for all infrastructure and produce. Agriculture became a communal thing with crops and labour being a shared experience, not each famiglon (family) producing a bit of everything for their own consumption without thought to other famiglons, but each famiglon, with the help of others, producing one crop to share with the others. The resultant economies of scale saw each famiglon living a comfortable and settled life. They each shared the bounty of a bumper crop as well as the agony of the rare failed crop, the joy and hardship was spread evenly. I looked on them and was pleased.

It was around this time that the writers of UBM decided that, because Adam and Eve ate the fruit of a tree, some say it was an apple, and I did warn them not to eat the fruit of that particular tree in the garden, only because the fruit was unripe, and would give them a massive belly ache, but did they listen? No! The UBM tells us that they had committed a dreadful sin that should not go unpunished and that, because the bellyache wasn't a strong enough punishment for their disobedience, they should be expelled from the Garden of Eden. The UBM can't have it both ways, on the one hand I'm supposed to be a merciful and forgiving God, while on the other hand I'm supposed to get angry when I'm disobeyed over a trifle. If I had made man to be perfect I'd have reason to get upset at his sinning, but I didn't, so why would I punish him for being less than perfect? When you've worked that one out let Me know, because it makes no sense to me. Just think about this, if I am as smart as I think I am, and I am, would I do that? Who do you suppose was going to look after my garden for me if I kicked them out? Of secondary importance, where would they go and live? Actually there were plenty of other people around to tend the crops and herd the animals but the UBM won't have that because it doesn't fit in with their version of the Creation. As for where would they go to live? There was a whole world there for them to choose from and they could have lived anywhere they pleased.

We now come to Cain and Abel and the UBM paints Me in a very bad light, not like Me at all:

It (the UBM) tells us that Adam and Eve were the only people on Earth, and that they only had two children, Cain and Abel, up to that time, so how were they supposed to procreate and expand? And then I was supposed to let one of the boys kill the other. The UBM must think that I'm stupid or something, they tell us that there would now only be three people alive, Adam, Eve and Cain and I couldn't have Cain having an incestuous relationship with his own mother, could I? I had to have a contingency plan. Cain got jealous of Abel gaining favour with Me over him, he was under the impression that I favoured the flesh of Abel's flock over his fruit and veg. This was nothing more than a literary device to introduce more sins, the sin of jealousy, the sin of murder. I was supposed to have spoken to Cain and asked him where Abel was. Now why would I do that when I knew exactly where Abel was, he was where Cain left him. Cain responded angrily, "How the hell should I know, what am I, my brother's nurse-maid?"