The Awakening of Angel Ch. 12

10 Aug 8:30 AM

Circe

My sleep had been restless. For one, the image of Tillman crying unsettled me, and for another, some of the events from the dungeon seemed out of character and extreme. I didn't question or object, partly because I trusted that he knew what he was doing and there was a reason for it. But mostly it was because I had been conditioned by my waste of a "father" to not question or object. The times I had fought back were met with hysterical anger coupled with physical and verbal abuse and I learned quickly to keep my mouth shut and my eyes down.

I knew I had to talk to Tillman but I also knew he was very fragile and had to go about it just the right way. It's a great paradox but I've heard people in the know say that military, firefighters and law enforcement people can be very strong but they are fragile as well. I heard it described like different kinds of steel. The really strong stuff can take a lot of stress but just the right blow and it will shatter. Softer tempered steel will bend before it breaks but can't carry as great a load as the stronger stuff. Tillman was the strong steel but I could see that just the right blow and he was going to shatter, and deep inside I felt like he was at that point now. But if I went too direct with him he was liable to break everything off and then I wouldn't be able to help.

Tillman had really facilitated my self-discovery in many ways and now it was time for me to help him. One of my discoveries was that I had been very self-centered and only interested in taking care of myself and my mom. I'm pretty sure that attitude was created by the actions of my asshole of a father who abused us and forced us into survival mode. And if you buy into Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs then you know that it's hard to focus on others when you are in self-preservation mode. Tillman took me out of self-preservation mode and I felt totally indebted to him and completely endeared to him as well. He saved me and now I was going to save him and I must say that it felt good to decide to help someone else. I could now understand why he was into helping others so much. But here's the catch - he spent all his time thinking about others and putting them first and never left any time for himself. That wasn't healthy. Now before you start thinking that I now had it all together let me just say you'd be wrong. I had a long ways to go with things but I decided that it was time for me to put my needs aside and focus on Tillman. He needed help but wasn't willing to ask for it. I wasn't sure what I needed to do next but I hoped that fate would help. And fate was going to come in the form of a teenage crush, Alexandra, and a dog.

My thoughts were interrupted when I noticed a folded note on the bedside table which read:

Angel,

I had Alexandra bring some fresh clothes by as well as your cosmetics. You will find them in the bathroom. When you've had your shower I'd be pleased if you joined me for breakfast out on the patio. Please don't feel rushed and take your time. I hope you slept well and that your knees don't hurt too much. I am sorry for that and so many other things.

Barrett

I was stunned. My first name? But even more perplexing was the fact that he had used his first name. He'd never done that. Coupled with what he said last night, this sounded like a breakup letter. Or a suicide note. They say that one of the signs of impending suicide is when people put things in order. Sure some of Tillman's behavior in the dungeon scared me a little but this shift in his interaction with me was really frightening. If I didn't figure out how to get inside his wall, at least get a foot in anyway, the outlook for him (and me) was bleak.

The shower was very quick and dressing was easy since Alexandra only brought two outfits and I thought her one selection was strange. Running shoes, running shorts, and a tank top with briefs and a sports bra. I picked up the shoes to move them and found a note tucked in one of them.

"Ask him to go for a run with you this morning. And put your hair in a ponytail. ;-)

Love A"

Well Alexandra, what the hell are you plotting now girlfriend? At this point there was no way I was going to ignore her advice. Makeup became the choice I had to wrestle with and the only thing that made sense was the bare minimum. Finishing it all up I looked at myself in the full-length mirror. I looked fresh. Then I chuckled to myself. Fresh was a huge contrast to what I looked like last night all hog-tied with ropes and suspended in mid-air with a fish hook stuck in my ass. Oh Angel, could you have ever imagined such a thing would have ever happened to you? Your horizons have been expanded so much and you are no longer part of a vanilla world, thanks to Tillman. And speaking of Tillman I needed to get out to breakfast.

I made my way out to the patio which sat up against a gorgeous pool. Tillman had his back to me. He was wearing a tropical shirt, Dockers, and boat shoes. I did my best bouncy happy girl walk around the table. Roxie spotted me and ran quickly over to greet me, nuzzling against me. Now you're going to say I'm crazy but she looked unhappy, like she was worried. Part of what gave me that impression was that her tail wasn't wagging and I swear she had a concerned look on her face.

When I rounded the table I was shocked by the sight that greeted me. Tillman looked like death warmed over, you know, how people look when someone close to them has died. He had dark circles under his eyes and his face was hollow and pale. He gave me a small forced smile but it was with the ten-thousand yard stare. I wanted to cry because I felt like I was looking at a dead man. Angel! Get it together. Of all the times in your life, this is the one where you need to be in control!

"Good morning!" I said as cheerfully as I knew how. I avoided the titles Master and Teacher because I felt they might invoke deeper negative feelings.

"Good morning Angel. Won't you please have some breakfast?"

The words came out of his mouth flat and lifeless, devoid of emotion like some robot repeating a scripted recording. My heart sank. This was bad. Really bad. He wasn't the man I knew and had fallen in love with. On a side note you might question that I really loved him, but why else would I have followed his instructions on some things?

"Not right now thanks," I said brightly, "but I would like to go for a run. I need to stretch out some of the kinks, if you know what I mean."

"Well I'd rather not. We need to talk about some really important things."

"Oh please? I think Roxie wants to go walkies as well."

"Well, um no. We need to talk."

"Pretty please?" I was careful not to go overly girlish but I stood up on the balls of my feet and stretched a bit. "Besides, It will make my knees feel better. They hurt." Oh yes. I went there didn't I? But at this point I was grasping at straws and if guilt worked then that's all I cared about. Plus I knew I could play on his sense of chivalry. Girl, use whatever tools you have in your toolbox. That gem came from my grandma, bless her soul. Looking back now I kinda wonder if grandma hadn't intended that as a double-entendre and I shuddered a bit every time I thought about it. Everyone knows that grandmas don't have sex or like it. They bake cookies and read stories to grandkids. Lol!

"Well fine then. But we talk as soon as we get back. Let me go change."

Tillman walked away but there was no energy in his walk, no purpose or direction. I was dying inside. A few moments later he returned wearing a loose t-shirt, and running shorts and shoes.

"Wanna go for a run Rox?" She wagged her tail and we took off around through the side gate. I called back to Tillman, "I hope you can keep up!" It was a stupid thing to say since he probably ran 15 miles a day and I'd be lucky to make it a mile. But I wanted to delay the ominous conversation for a bit. Maybe some endorphins might help him, although my lack of endurance would probably preclude that. My other reason for starting off ahead of him was that I wanted him to look at me from behind while I ran, at least for those few minutes until he caught up. But he never completely did. He ran a few paces behind me and never beside. His body language said he was cutting me loose.

Tillman

How could she be so chipper after what I had done to her? In all reality she should have packed up and called for a cab. Yet here she was running in front of me like nothing had happened. I couldn't bring myself to pull up even with her. I was just too conflicted. Besides, it wasn't going to be a long run since she was already slowing down. My mind started to drift as I watched her ponytail swoosh back and for in time with her pace. Her hips swayed slightly too, hypnotically. Ah, Brittany Bensen. The neighbor girl who was a runner. My teenage crush. My first love. Love that was unattainable. That was the story of my life. Unattainable love. And then my fiancée. I thought I finally had love in my grasp, and then...then.. then my world went wavy, the light got weird, my head got light, and my peripheral vision narrowed. Now that's weird. If I didn't know better I'd say that I was about to... then my world went black.

Angel

Whatcha' gonna' do now Angel? Your lungs are exploding and your legs are like wet noodles. How do you get out of this one? Undoubtedly Tillman wasn't even warmed up yet. Suddenly Roxie turned on a dime and headed back the other way. That's strange. What's that all about. I turned to look and stopped dead in my tracks. Tillman was a ways back, crumpled in a pile on the ground and Roxie was racing towards him like a demon possessed. I must tell you that I would never want to be a bad guy and have Roxie between me and Tillman. She was scary and I had no doubt that she would fight to the death for Tillman. I screamed and ran back to Tillman. When I got there Roxie was licking blood from his face. At first I was afraid that he had some sort of severe head injury but it was just a small cut. For a brief moment I thought I might need to knock on a door and get help but Tillman started stirring. Best I could tell he had just passed out.

"Wha.., what..happened?"

"I think you passed out. Do you hurt anywhere?"

"Um no. I need to get up. I don't need any help."

He started to get up but fell to his knees and something instinctual just took over in me. I knelt down and grabbed him by the front of his shirt and looked him straight in the eyes with the sternest look I could muster.

"Okay mister! You are going to let me help you and you are going to lean on me! If you don't I'm just going to kick your sorry ass all the way back to your house and Roxie is going to chew your balls off while I'm kicking your ass. Do we have an understanding!?"

He groggily nodded assent.

"I can't hear you! Do we have an understanding!?"

"Yes ma'am we do." The corners of his mouth rose, almost imperceptibly, but they rose. That little action gave me hope. He wasn't gone yet, and I was going to fight harder for him, to the point that Roxie would have be impressed.

"Let's go then. You lean on me. And if you let go then Roxie gets to chow down on your crotch. And I'm guessing that would hurt. So let's go."

We started off and he really was leaning on me. I was glad that we weren't miles from the house because I wouldn't have made it. Roxie went slightly ahead about 100 feet. I found out later that she was doing what's called taking point. It was a military term for someone who is out ahead of the patrol, watching for bad guys and booby traps. I also found out that the point was the most dangerous place to be and they often were the first ones to get hit but in the process saving those behind them. Of course we weren't in enemy territory but Roxie sensed something was wrong with Tillman and went on point. I could see now why Tillman loved her so much. She scanned back and forth all the way back to the house.

I half dragged Tillman through the back door and once inside I looked down at Roxie while I caught my breath. She looked up at me and cocked her head.

"Good girl! You did a great job. Thanks for your help. I'll take it from here."

At that she padded off to get a drink and took up her normal station by the door.

"Okay, I think you need to lay down for a bit."

"Um, no. I don't need to. I'm ok."

"Listen you! It was not a suggestion and I didn't ask you for your assessment. Understand?"

"Yes ma'am."

I managed to get him laid down on his bed and got his feet propped up on some pillows.

"I'll be back in a second mister and don't get up."

He seemed to respond to me being a little bossy and I was previously grasping at straws so this was the way I was going to go. I went and got some orange juice, made some toast, wetted down a washcloth and headed back to his room. He was awake but still where I left him. I motioned for him to sit up and propped some pillows up behind him so that he was partially sitting up in bed.

"Honestly, I'm okay now Angel. I really..."

"Did I ask you. You aren't ok and you are going to let me take care of you for a minute. So shut up."

He started to say something but then stopped himself. I placed the cold cloth on his forehead and then held the glass of OJ to his mouth. He started to reach for the glass and I slapped his hand away, quite forcefully I might add. He looked a little startled and then I held a piece of toast to his mouth and he took a few bites. We continued that way until the toast and juice were gone.

"Now mister, I'm exhausted from the run and hauling your ass back here. So we are going to take a nap. And I mean a nap. There will be no hanky panky. And you are going to lay here with me and sleep until I say it's time to get up. Then afterwards we can talk. Understood?"

He nodded and rolled on his side away from me and curled up into a fetal position. I scooted up against him and put my arm over his waist. Within moments he was breathing deeply but he was still tense. How does someone sleep and not relax their muscles? One step at a time girl, one step at a time. I decided then and there that when Tillman woke up we were going to talk but I was going to direct the discussion.