The Barney Files

November 13th, 1998

Dear Purple People Eaters,

Hi. I do not have a membership in your *fine* fan-club, but I have a question.

I suppose it is obvious that Barney is a T-Rex, but I'm having trouble figuring out what in Heck Baby Bop and B.J. are. Could you help me with this?

I think you should have more pictures on your website of some of the supporting characters, like Stella the Storyteller, Scooter McNutty, Miss Etta Kette, and Booker T. Bookworm (where do you *get* these names?! Pure friggin' genius, I *must* say!), and maybe tell us a little about what makes them tick. Just a suggestion, but a dandy one, I think!

And speaking of suggestions....

In your "legal use" of the website section (which seems paranoid, at best), you say...

"We love to get your comments, but PLEASE DO NOT SEND any suggestions, outlines, scripts, drawings or ideas in any form for new shows, episodes, plots, products or characters. If you do, The Lyons Group will have the right to use anything you send for any purpose and will have no obligation to give you credit or to pay you in any way."

You don't seem to understand copyright law. Any creative work, as soon as it is in "fixed form" is copyrighted automatically, by the author. Obviously, if someone were to try to make a buck, using your trademarked creation, you could sue his or her knickers off (and I imagine that you would! Kudos to you!), but to say that you are under "no obligation" to remunerate an individual for stealing his or her idea is off the mark.

May I suggest (and you can have this one for free; the next one will cost you $500.35), that you tell your fans that any unsolicited creative works, will be returned unread (unviewed, untouched, unscented, unsoiled, or uninspired as the case may be), or that you require them to send a signed statement, giving you permission to add to your millions by taking advantage of children who, for some reason, want to be a part of the Barney Syndicate.

I think you'll have fewer legal expenses that way.

Anyway, CHEERS! I hope you can answer my questions, and I hope that my suggestion keeps you out of trouble with the American Justice System (the best in the WORLD, I'm told!).

Take care (I mean it!),

Reverend Scott "Animal" Hutchinson

P.S. I shan't consume victuals, nor shall I imbibe liquid refreshment, until you are forthcoming with a SERIOUS response! And you don't want *that* on your Big Purple conscience, now, *DO* you!?

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November 18th, 1998

To The Purple Gang,

Recently, I sent you fine folks an e-mail (that is, and electronic letter, over the Internet; isn't technology amazing!?), after searching through the Official Barney and Friends website.

On the website, I believe, it was promised that all correspondence would be answered within two days. I sent my e-mail on Friday, November 13th, and it is now Wednesday, November 18th! Even if I allow that you meant two business days, your time was up as of Midnight last night!!!

Surely, one such as Barney, who is looked up to by millions, if not billions, of children all over the world (and who knows?, some extra-terrestrial tots may be tuning in!!!!!), understands the importance of keeping a promise, so I am assuming that, for some unknown reason, you did not receive my original e-mail. For this reason, I am sending the original ELECTRONIC mail (I'm still amazed, aren't you?), as an attachment.

To recap: I need to know what B.J., and Baby Bop are. I understand that they are dinosaurs (EGAD, I'm no babbling idiot!), but I am unsure as to their particular species. It can be assumed that they are both the same species, after all they are siblings. But, oh! What if one was adopted!? I could be making the usual blunder associated with ASSUMING! This casts doubt on my assertion that Barney is, indeed, a T-Rex! So, this leads to additional questions!

I also asked that you give more information (on your website) about the supporting (non-dinosaur) cast of the Barney and Friends show. Perhaps some pictures (at least), and a life history of each character. Do they have lives outside the show? Are they good drivers? What are their favorite foods? These are just a few of the questions, about these characters, that I feel people would like answered (and with more promptness than you have shown to me).

Thirdly, I gave you some sound legal advice about copyright law. No, I am not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV (but boy would I like to! I understand that those folks on L.A. Law made quite the bundle of greenbacks!), but I think my advice was sound! I.E. that you tell your fans that any creative material will be sent back by you, without looking at it, or that, if they want to see their work on the boob (please excuse my language) tube, that they will have to give written consent, for you to use it without paying for it. What do you think?

I said in my letter that I would go hungry and thirsty until I got a serious reply from you, and by golly I meant it! I cannot believe you would ignore someone's mail, knowing that to do so might put their health (or dare I say, LIFE?) at risk! So, please, please, write back soon! (Though, to be honest, I must admit that I had a delicious snack-cake, and a tall glass of wholesome homogenized milk for breakfast. But THAT'S IT! And I'm aching for a pepperoni pizza {with extra cheese!}).

Signing off with best wishes to you and yours,

Reverend Scott "Animal" Hutchinson

P.S. Here's some more advice for you... Ignore this letter, and make me starve to death! Okay, if you take this advice, you will owe me $500.35, as per our agreement in my last e-mail, so you'll save money by not taking this advice, and answering my e-mail (still amazed!) in a timely fashion!

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November 18th, 1998

Dear Mr. Hutchinson:

Your recent e-mail messages have been forwarded to me for response. You are correct in your judgment that the Barney character is a Tyrannosaurus Rex dinosaur, although a highly stylized one. The BJ character is a stylized Stegosaurus, and the Baby Bop character a stylized Triceratops. While we appreciate your interest in our other characters, I'm sure you will understand that our web site is intended primarily for the enjoyment of Barney's young fans, whose greatest interest is in their large purple pal. As characters such as Etta Kette and Scooter McNutty become more familiar to our toddler audience, more information about them will be included.

Finally, although we appreciate your concern, please rest assured that there are a number of us here who do have law degrees and have become somewhat expert in matters concerning intellectual property, including copyright. This is why we specifically ask that no submissions of ideas be made via the Internet. However, because we cannot physically prevent someone from making a submission, we want them to be aware that doing so will constitute what is known in the law as "implied consent" to our use of any materials submitted, without payment or credit. This is a similar concept to the shrink-wrap license that applies to many software products -- i.e., by opening and using the product, you have indicated your consent to the terms of the license granted by the supplier.

I trust that this will satisfy your curiosity about these matters. Thank you again for your interest in our characters and programs.

Joyce D. Slocum

Sr. Vice President, Legal and Business Affairs

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November 18th, 1998

Dear Ms. Slocum,

Thank you for your prompt reply to my recent e-mail message! Finally, I can attend family suppers, and I can stop staring at everyone else, while they stuff their greedy faces!

Barney is a Tyrannosaurus Rex! I knew it! (Though, I have to admit that I was feeling doubt. A problem that I have had throughout my long life. But that is neither here nor there!)

And BJ is a Stegosaurus, and Baby Bop is a Triceratops! That amazes me to no end (though not nearly as much as this age of instant, electronic communication. Don't you agree?)! I mean, I had originally guessed that they'd be the same species, being brother and sister, but then, putting assumptions aside, I speculated that they might not be! And this bold move paid off! In spades! But this leads to other questions, which my young granddaughter asks me again and again, as I clasp my hands to my ears shouting, "I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW! LEAVE ME ALONE! OKAY, I'LL FIND OUT! JUST GIVE ME A MOMENT'S PEACE, CHILD!" Those questions being;

1) Which of the two siblings was adopted? B.J. or Baby Bop? Or both?

2) Does s/he (a clever way of typing "he or she", don't you agree?) know that s/he is adopted?

3) Does s/he (see how well that works?) know that s/he is adopted, and is s/he given any education about his/her (I don't know a word effectively combines his and her... sorry) true biological heritage?

4) Does s/he know that his/her adoptive parents love him/her as their own?

5) Will the birth parents try to take him/her back from the adoptive parents!? (Wouldn't that make for some fine drama on the show!? And, by golly, if you wish to use this idea, feel free! I have no need for financial gain!)

These are all the questions that she asks before I run screaming from the room! But I might have a couple myself!

For instance;

1) Does B.J. tease Baby Bop about her adoption (if it is, indeed, her that was adopted! I'll not assume it is, as we know what *that* leads to!)?

2) If the answer to #1 is "yes", do their parents punish him in any way for it?

"Enough about that!" I'm sure you are saying!

As for Scooter McNutty, Miss Etta Kette, and the other supporting cast members... my young Granddaughter has questions about them, too! But nothing that I haven't already brought up, so I shan't list them here. She may not be your typical Barney fan, however. She is very advanced for her age (three!), as you can see from the curious questions, above!

Wow! Barney has his own team of lawyers! That is spectacular!

And I see your point about your legal disclaimer! It makes sense, now that you've explained it. If you didn't give that warning, I suppose it would be a different story, altogether! O-Ho! You are a clever bunch, indeed!

Again, CHEERS! I thank you for your very prompt reply, and hope that you will take the time to answer these other questions, so that my Granddaughter will go back to her coloring books!!

Sincerely,

Reverend Scott "Animal" Hutchinson

P.S. I know that I don't have to resume my hunger strike, as you are obviously a faithful correspondent!

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November 21st, 1998

Dear Ms. Slocum,

Let me tell you a little something about me. When I think something good about someone, I hate to be proven wrong. When I think something bad about someone, on the other hand, I love to be proven wrong. In my last letter to you, on Wednesday, November 18th, 1998, I stated that you were "obviously a faithful correspondent!", because you were very prompt with your response to my letter from earlier in the same day.

I do not wish to be proven wrong about you, Ms. Slocum, so I am going to ASSUME (despite the well-advertised dangers of doing so) that you did not get my last letter, in which I ask some questions that have been plaguing my young Granddaughter's thoughts for days now (sometimes she does not sleep, her mother informs me).

I am sending that letter to you now, as an attachment to this e-mail, but I will review the contents of it with you.

In a nutshell (an odd expression, don't you think? After all, what is in a nutshell, besides nuts?);

•I was happy to learn that Barney is, indeed, a Tyrannosaurus Rex (because I enjoy being right, as I told you).

•I asked several questions (mostly from my young Granddaughter, but a couple from me) about the details of B.J.'s and/or Baby Bop's adoption.

•I thanked you for helping to end my hunger strike (I still feel badly for having cheated on it).

My young Granddaughter would still like her questions answered, and she has promised not to stop pestering me, until the answers are forthcoming (she is a lovable child, but quite precocious, as they say!)! And she has added new questions to her list... i.e. :

1) Why doesn't Barney eat B.J. and Baby Bop, since he is a meat-eater, and they are plant-eaters? Is he on a diet?

2) Why does Barney have lawyers? Is he going to jail? (Let us hope not!)

3) Aren't most dinosaurs brown or grey? Why is Barney Purple? Is he sick?

I hope that you can answer these questions, as well as the questions from my previous e-mail, as my young Granddaughter is quite adamant that they be answered, and can be quite persistent (you might as well replace that word with "annoying").

I'm sure you are busy, so I will leave you now, to do your job.

SKOAL! (Scandinavian for CHEERS!) And here is wishing you and yours a Happy Holiday Season!

Signing off,

Reverend Scott "Animal" Hutchinson

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November 25th, 1998

Dear Ms. Slocum,

What do you tell a small child, Ms. Slocum, when she asks "Why won't Barney write to me? Doesn't he love me?" For the past week, all I have been able to say to my young Granddaughter, when she asks these questions, is "I don't know." I've tried telling her that maybe you haven't received the last two letters that I've written, but she is not so credulous. As I have indicated before, she is a very advanced three year old. Did I tell you that she is already reading from a grade 4 schoolbook? I'm very proud of her, but also worried. She has refused to eat anything, until we hear from Barney again (I don't know where she learned such behavior!). So, again, Ms. Slocum, what would you tell her?

The last time you wrote to me, on Wednesday, November 18th, 1998, you were very helpful, and answered many puzzling queries. But that was a full week ago, and I have corresponded twice in that time. Now I am sure that your website indicated a two-day wait for answers to questions about Barney, and my young, sad, Granddaughter, and I have been more than patient. I hope you will take pity on a starving child, and answer the questions that we have put forth.

I am sending my last two letters, which, for some reason, you have chosen to ignore, as electronic attachments, but I will review the more pressing concerns with you now.

•Is Barney ailing, or in any sort of embarrassment with the law?

•How does Barney ignore his predatory instinct, and keep from devouring his tasty young friends?

•Which of Barney's friends, B.J. or Baby Bop, is adopted, and how do the young dinosaurs cope?

•Will the birth parents of either B.J. or Baby Bop show up to reclaim their hatchlings? (This would be a story ripped from today's headlines! Don't you agree?)

I would also like to know if there are any plans for a feature-length movie about everyone's favorite Purple Dinosaur (Barney). It would be interesting to learn how he, B.J., and Baby Bop, escaped whatever calamity annihilated all of the other "Terrible Lizards" on the planet! Wouldn't you say? I'd be happy to discuss, with you, some theories that might explain this!

Well, I guess that is all I have to say. I sincerely hope that you will take the time to answer these very important questions, as a young girls dreams rest on you!

Patiently yours,

Reverend Scott "Animal" Hutchinson

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Nov. 25th, 1998

Dear Mr. Hutchinson:

I apologize for the delay in responding to your recent messages. The press of business and a spate of bad health have put me behind on a number of matters.

I am sure that your precocious young granddaughter will be pleased to learn that the answers she seeks about Barney and his friends are entirely within her control. Barney comes alive only through the imaginations of children, and is to each child what that child needs him to be at that time in that child's life. The same is true of BJ and Baby Bop. I'm sure you will enjoy exploring these issues with your granddaughter. Does she think that BJ or Baby Bop is adopted? Perhaps they are step- or half-brother or sister in her imagination, if she is familiar with these relationships. What does she think their parents are like? Where does she imagine they live when they are not with Barney and their human friends? One of our missions is to encourage children to use their imaginations, and I'm sure your granddaughter will weave wonderful stories for you if you put these questions back to her.

I do have an answer to one of your more pragmatic questions. There is a Barney feature film, which was released to theaters in the spring, and is now available on video. It is called "Barney's Great Adventure," and is a wonderful story about the power of children's imaginations. It might make good Thanksgiving viewing for you and your inquisitive granddaughter.

Wishing you and yours a happy and safe holiday,

Joyce D. Slocum

Sr. Vice President, Legal and Business Affairs

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November 26th, 1998

Dear Ms. Slocum,

First off, I must apologize for not asking after your health in my last correspondence. I should have known something was amiss! I sincerely hope that you are feeling better, and that the electronic greeting that I sent to you through the World Wide Web was at least a small "pick-me-up"! Here's hoping that you are feeling 100%! CHEERS!

The explanation, to all of the questions that I put forth to you, that you gave in your e-mail, which I received late last night, was very clever, indeed! I thought, when I explained it all to my young Granddaughter this morning, that this would be the end of the matter, but alas, things have only gotten worse!

Let me explain...

When I told her, this morning, that "anything (she) thinks happens to Barney, is what happens to Barney", she immediately broke into tears! It took some time before she was able to speak coherently, but we managed to decipher, through her sobbing, what had her so upset. Her mother tells me (I couldn't stick around. I went out to Dairy Queen, and had myself a RootBeer float. The best way to soothe my frazzled nerves, let me tell you!) that she has convinced herself that Barney is sick with some horrible disease, and that he is about to go to prison for some terrible crime, such as devouring B.J. and Baby Bop! And what is worse, she thinks it is all her fault!!!!!

Her mother has tried to dissuade her of this notion, but to no avail! Surely, there is something that we can say to change her mind! Your writers must know what is really in store for Barney! Please help!

On to other matters!

You say that there is a Barney movie! Happy Day! But I get the impression, from the title, that it doesn't explain how Barney, B.J., and Baby Bop escaped extinction all those millions of years ago! Are there plans for a "prequel", in which we learn the answer to this conundrum? I was thinking that it would be a really good idea for you to team up with Steven Speilberg, and have Barney's origin tied in with that of the "Jurassic Park" monsters! Wouldn't that be a cinematic dream!?

Anyway, CHEERS! again! And I hope you are in tip-top shape for the challenges that your job puts forth for you! I'm told that chicken soup is a time-honored remedy for what ails you!

Best Wishes to you and yours,

Reverend Scott "Animal" Hutchinson

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January 8, 1999

Dear Ms. Slocum,

Greetings! It has been so long since I've written to you, you must have been wondering where I was! I trust that your Holidays were pleasant. We had a lovely Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and New Year's Eve. Wow! 1999! Amazing, isn't it? When I was a lad of ten years of age, my teacher promised that there would be flying cars by 1999! But she may have been loopy anyway.

So, the Holidays are over, and I'm sure that you are back to work and busy as ever, or why else would you not have responded to my last e-mail? I've attached it, though, in case you didn't get it.