The Barney Files

To summarize:

1)I sent you a "Virtual Get-Well Card", and expressed concern for your health (I hope you are feeling better. Surely you are by now).

2)I told my young granddaughter that you said that if she thinks something will happen to Barney, then it happens, and she went nuts, crying like a Banshee (a creature from Celtic myth whose screeching portends the end of a man's life. You can see how fitting this analogy is!), because she is convinced that Barney is deathly ill, and possibly facing a life term in prison!

3)I suggested (free of charge, as per your very crafty corporate policy) that you team up with Steven Speilberg, and make a movie about Barney and the "Jurassic Park" dinosaurs, which would explain how Barney, B.J., and Baby Bop survived the pre-historic cataclysm that destroyed all of the other "Terrible Lizards".

Now, an update:

My young granddaughter's crying fits eventually subsided, and she went on living her little child's life.

On the morning of December 25th, 1998, however, exactly two hours after her mother and father went to bed, my young granddaughter woke up everyone in the house. One of the presents that she received was a "Barney & Friends" Colorforms set, which she promptly threw in the trash. Then she tore through the house, grabbing up every piece of "Barney" paraphernalia she could find, breaking, tearing apart, and throwing away every bit of it. If she'd had access to gasoline and matches, I'll bet she would have started a bonfire. The crying started again, and she was sent to her room, without being allowed to open any more of her presents. So much for her Christmas.

That was two weeks ago now, and things have calmed down. She went through all of the classic steps denial, anger, bargaining, and finally acceptance of Barney's fate. But let me tell you, she was not easy to be around during this time of mourning!

The bad news, for you, is that you have lost a faithful Barney fan. My young granddaughter now has nothing to do with anything even remotely related to "Barney & Friends", and is now a devoted fan of the "Teletubbies". And, man oh man!, do I have some questions for those people!

Here's hoping that your future is bright and sunny,

Reverend Scott "Animal" Hutchinson