The Beautiful Destructions ORIGIN

I walked around in circles before shooting up the stairs. My jaw was clenched so tight it hurt, but I would explode in screams if I let go. My thoughts hurled themseves to my skull. Nothing made sense anymore. Lucy, my Lucy. I had blindly trusted him. He could have saved us all. I was hunched over, crouching by the doors to Maya's wings. I must have been running, I couldn't even remember my way up here.

The flames of his betrayal froze as white cold fury began to take over, jagged ice shards in the shell of my skin.

I would make him take us back.

My hands were on the hilt of my blades when I kicked down the doors to Maya's reception room.

"Ellie! What's going on?" Maya demanded, startled, the seamstress shrieking like a car alarm. Nicholas didn't move. He stared me down, his eyes black as night. He was shirtless, and his blades were on the table at the back of the room.

"Out!" I shouted. "Maya, take her out please. Right now!"

I didn't want to scream at the princess but I was at the limit of my control. She grabbed the seamstress and dragged her out of the room.

Every minute of fear. Every minute of pain. Every needle. Every nightmare. Every death.

The cause of it all was standing in front of me.

And he was going to pay it.

"Eleanor?" He asked, concern written all over his eerily perfect face.

"You don't have to fake anymore," I growled and lunged straight for him. Left arm curved low, for his ribs - not enough to kill, just enough to hurt.

I never even came near.

I felt his arm on my shoulder when my feet disconnected from the ground. The ceiling flashed in front of my eyes. I had no time to brace. My back cracked against the table, sending splinters of wood flying around the room. The pain would catch up soon. I tried to take a breath, drawing nails inside my lungs.

Stand up Ellie! Stand up and fight!

He was already here. Fear strangled me under the black tower of his figure. What would he do to me? He leaned over and I recoiled. His burning hands slid over mine, still clenched around my blades. The room was swirling. My survival instincts were at war with my vengeful rage. I'd not even managed to catch my breath yet. In two hearbeats his fingers had pryed mine opened and disarmed me. Only my pulse was in my ears. The corpse of Lucy clouded my thoughts. He took my blades out of the room and I propped myself on the wall behind me. He'd never take us home, but I would never stop trying. A silver gleam caught my attention. I grabbed his blades, and in less than a second he was next to me. He was too fast, I didn't stand a chance. I tried to hit his flanks with his own weapons but my wrists were locked in his hands before I could move.

"What is the matter with you?" He questioned, frustrated.

"You tell me, Pathfinder." The anguish was too evident but I was beyond caring.

Guilt shook the expressionless mask of his face. A sob broke through my anger. It was true. It was all true.

"I know you can travel between the worlds, Nicholas," I accused in a breath.

"I cannot."

"No more lies," I cried out. "I know you could have taken us back."

His silence was enraging. I bit his hand closest to my face and he spread my arms further apart against the wall.

"I can't take you back to your world," he whispered. "I can only take you where it's dark and cold."

The despair which had only been hinted at now painted a portrait of horror on his face. Ice clamped my stomach and my throat. I was sinking down the deepest abyss with him.

"Tell me the truth," I gasped.

He leaned on me, his chest against mine, his forehead on the wall when he spoke.

"The Guardians of the Light have left us, Eleanor. The paths to the circles of Light are all gone. There is no way back beyond the Guardians themselves."

He let go of me and I dropped to the floor. His words weighed on me like stones, crushing me down.I couldn't stand up anymore. The blue mirror of the sky wasn't enough to contain the sunlight, and it came streaming down on us in some cruel joke. I felt so empty as the meaning of it all slowly rippled through me.

"You should have told me the truth," I murmured after a while.

"The truth," he laughed a hopeless, tortured laugh. "The truth is, we must have failed Eleanor, and we're being punished. We were fourteen. Fourteen Pathfinders. I watched all the others die one by one, driven mad by the dark solitude we'd been left in. And yet here I am, still roaming Origin on an endless search for balance."The truth is, I have been alone for a thousand years, my beautiful Ellie."

He kneeled and took my chin in his hand. I couldn't look in his stormy eyes, there was too much sorrow, he was too intense.

"And then you came."

I held my breath but tears ran down my cheeks.

"I am sorry the Guardians brought you and the girls because of me. I am sorry for Lucy."

He spoke softly, he sounded so tired too. He stood up and turned around, but I couldn't even bring myself to glance at his back.

"I am sorry that you think so little of me that you could believe me capable of such deception. I will leave you alone, that much I have understood. But believe me when I tell you this; there is no hope."

He stepped out of the shattered room. Young birds called anxiously outside the window, lively reminders that early spring was in full swing. I barely heard them through the ocean of my mind. My head was under water, muffling every sound, every thought. I couldn't lift the liquid wall which pressed down on me in this choking blur of shock and misery. I waited. The stars disappeared in the black velvet of the night sky. I waited, still and silent. The sun rose again and I knew then.

Nicholas was gone.

What had I done?

Chapter 37

"Is she awake?"

Maya's voice was too vibrant in the stillness of the bedroom.

"I'm gonna look," Emily replied as if this was one of our games.

I remained motionless, curled up under the covers in his bed. A little hand grabbed my shoulder and tried to shake me. I'm sorry Emily, but you're better off with the princess. I'm nothing but a walking disaster.

"Do you want me to wake her up?" Emily's voice notched up with excitement.

"Go on then."

Emily climbed up the bed and jumped on the bouncy mattress, giggling while my head lifted and crashed back in the pillows with each one of her energetic jump.

"Careful bunny," I exclaimed when she got close to the edge of the bed.

"She's up!" She screamed her victory between two bounces.

"Excellent!"

Maya pulled open the thick curtain and sat on the bed by my side.

"It's been two days Ellie. Whatever happened, you need to get over it." Two days. He was not coming back. After all that pushing away, I'd gotten what I asked.

Nicholas had left me.

He'd left us.

Because after blaming him for keeping secrets, I'd realized I was the one who'd never opened up to him, never shared anything. I'd been defensive, and scared, so scared to get too close. It had been easy to blame him for everything instead of confronting my fears. I knew he'd been an ass too sometimes, that was sure, and I'd not always been wrong - but I bore a large share of the blame.

And now it was too late to make it right.

"Come on Ellie, things can't be that bad. The ball is tonight, you need to get a grip."

"Lord Fredricksen probably uninvited me Maya," I informed her, cringing at the fresh memory of my rude behavior.

"About that," the princess started, and paused to clear her throat. "He was somewhat upset, what with all the furniture breaking and whatnot..."

I turned around to face her for the first time.

"I had to tell him your secret, I'm sorry Ellie, but everything is sorted now. He understands that coming from the Light to this dysfunctional Origin." She paused again, avoiding my eyes. "Should you be asked, about your world I mean... I might have been a bit... creative, let's say."

She succeeded in drawing a smile out of me.

"What did you tell him?" I asked, sincerely curious.

"Well you know," she began vaguely with a wave of her hand. "flying horses and castles, pearls, marble and gold. Incredible foods which make whatever he serves you taste like ash. Bliss. The usual." She shrugged, looking as cute and innocent as could be.

"You're ruthless."

She smiled.

"I try. Speaking of which, I am still upset at you for wrecking my favorite room. I also had to double the seamstress fee to get her to come back, and we still lost a whole day's worth of work."

Technically, it was Nicholas who'd thrown me around and broke the furniture but she wouldn't find it funny. I sat up. She was the only friend I had, and I'd be damned if I lost her too.

"I am so sorry, Maya. And I am sorry for shouting at you like I did. I hope you can forgive me," I pleaded with her pale jade eyes.

"Well, I'll consider forgiving you - if you attend the ball."

She grinned at me with all her teeth. She really was ruthless.

I rolled my eyes.

"You know you've already won," I accused her with a small smile.

"Of course I do, that's why I'm a princess. Come now, we only have a few hours to get ourselves sorted." She threw me that scanning, critical gaze I'd come to know, the one where I could almost see the to-do list lenghthening in her head. "You're going to need a whole lot of sorting if you don't want to look like a miserable mess in front of Nicholas."

"Nicholas?!" I jumped up at his name and the princess slid me a all-knowing glance. He'd be there?

"Yes, Nicholas. He's never missed any of Fredricksen's balls. And after your antics, I reckon he won't be willing to annoy his Lordship any further."

Too many emotions crossed my mind all at once. Maya took my hands in hers, and for once I saw her struggle to find the right words.

"You know Ellie," her voice was softer, more serious. "I'll be there when you're ready to tell me the whole story."

Without a shadow of a doubt, I understood I'd found a friend. A real friend.

"Thanks Maya. Thanks a lot."

The silence was heavy between us for a few seconds, and Emily checked on us from her eternal drawing notebook.

"I'd almost forgotten," the princess exclaimed, her face lighting up. "I can't wait to show you your dress!"

She dragged me out of Nicholas' bedroom and skipped all the way to her wing. She stopped in front of my bedroom door, eyes gleaming.

"Wait here," she ordered, enjoying herself immensly. "I want to make sure it's perfect. Don't say a thing Emily," she warned the little girl before disappearing into the room.

"So, you've seen the dress, have you?"

Emily clamped her lips together, her almond eyes glittering with excitement.

"Do you think I'm going to like it?" I teased her.

She thought about my question, pondering if I was allowed an answer before she nodded eagerly.

I smiled, the general sense of festive preparation and excitation gaining me.

There was a chance Nicholas would show up tonight. There was a chance I could set things right between us after all. I felt lighter than I had in a long time, even while anticipation rocked from nervousness to exhilaration.

"You can come in," Maya called forever later.

I pushed open the door and was surprised to find she'd closed the curtains, plunging the room in the dark. Emily ran to the princess. A light came on from somewhere on the floor, revealing the dress displayed on a rack in the middle of the room.

"Surprise!" Emily shouted when the light switched on.

I was lost for words.

"Do you like it?" The princess enquired, stress nawing in her words.

"It's incredible, it's better than incredible!"

Maya sighed in relief and we both walked closer to the full length gown. It was not merely gold colored - it looked like it had been made from spun gold. The thin material composed a long bustier dress held by delicate white pearl shoulder straps. It could have been fairly conservative, except two thigh-high slits had been cut right at the front.

"Turn it over," the princess encouraged like she was about to burst from excitement.

I obeyed and bit my lip. I'd been wrong. This dress was not conservative in any universe.

"I got the idea from your blades."

The dress was backless; instead, the white pearl straps weaved in revealing rows on all the way down to the hips.

"I can't believe you made this," I complimented her, in awe.

"Well, I only helped designing it. Five tailors have been hard at work for four days."

"Don't be modest, it's fantastic." I searched for my words, not wanting to sound ungrateful. "Isn't it a bit revealing though?"

"Noooo, no. It's alright. I'm certain Nicholas will love it."

Would he? I thought back to Sugar and her boutique. Maybe he would.

"He won't be able to take his eyes off of you," she continued, her voice filled with implications. And despite all my new found resistance, I blushed up to my ears.

"Ok then, let's get this started. You go to your bathroom, the professionals should be here in a minute."

"The professionals?"

"You know, hair, make up, waxing... oh my, we'll never have enough time," she mumbled, counting on her fingers.

The afternoon was frantic. Frantic and painful. The girls who did my hair pulled it in a million different up dos before they could agree on one, bringing tears to my eye. Maya was getting ready in her own bedroom, as both of our armies of assistants would never have fitted in a single room. I was grateful for the chaos of activities and directions which were 'suggested' to me though. It kept my sanity going, or else I'd have started dwelling on the odds of Nicholas being there or not.

Finally it was time to put on my dress. My heart was beating harder, but I wasn't sure why. There was no doubt that the dress would fit, it had been made to measure after all. Still, there was an unsettling feeling, not negative per say, more like a sense of new. I knew it was just a dress, but it was the right of passage I'd skipped all these years - I'd come out of this experience different.

Or maybe my overthinking self was in overdrive and seeing too much into this.

Maya was called since she had requested to be there when I saw myself with it for the first time. She rushed into the room, looking breathtaking in only a bathrobe with her hair and make up. She couldn't help it, but in moment like these my self-confidence needed a boost, so standing next to the sun did the exact opposite.

"Close your eyes, close your eyes!"

At least she was having a blast. I waited with my eyes shut while someone fetched the mirror.

"Ready? One, two, three!"

I opened my eyes. Blinked. Opened my eyes again.

I looked nothing like the me I remembered. The woman in the mirror didn't seem an ounce as unsure as I felt. Her face was smooth, divine, untouchable. Of course by now I knew my hair was gold, but in my mind's eyes it had remained the pale blond it had been all my life. In the mirror, it looked as luminous as the dress itself. Even the blue of my eyes popped vividly encased in white eyeliner and gold mascara.

I had to catch my breath.

"You look like a princess," Emily whispered, her eyes glued to me.

"Thank you bunny," I replied, my voice trembling.

Just how much time had I wasted on Earth?

"Goodness Ellie, your back!"

Oh no, the scars!

"Did I ruin the dress? Does it look awful?"

"Ruin? Oh no! Ellie, the dress was perfect, but now it's spectacular - you are spectacular! I wish you'd told me, I'd have put less pearls."

And make me look more naked?

I laughed and she clapped. The princess was a beam of positive energy.

"One last touch. They nearly didn't arrive on time," she confessed, retrieving two small white belts from one of the assistants. "For your blades," she explained. "I told you they were the theme for the dress? Well, I thought it would be truly unique, and very you, if you wore them at the ball."

I nodded, vaguely remembering my half-formed plan of wearing my large black belt. Maya would have murdered me.

"They go up your leg, like to hold your tights. They're adjustable too." She smirked, remembering something. "The smith and the tanner thought I was out of my mind, it caused a bit of a delay."

I buckled the garter belts and slid in my blades. I'm not sure the maids agreed, but I thought it looked really cool.

"It's nearly time. I'll take Emily to my room and finish my own preparation. An usher will accompany you to the staircase. It's easy, you just need to walk down the steps as the guest go 'ooh' and 'aah' at how wonderful you look."

"You're not coming?"

"I'll be in the audience. Royal family and all that, it would be unbefitting to steal the guests' thunder."

"Oh."

"Good luck," she said, pulling me in her arms, "even though I know you don't need it." She winked and left with Emily in tow.

In a blink, everyone had evacuated my room, leaving me to wait for the knock on my door. I sat up straight on the edge of the sofa, afraid to damage the creation which had requested such a team effort. My heart was loud, hectic and wild. I imagined hearing a faint knock at least a dozen times. I twisted my gold manicured fingers. I waited, counted my breaths.

Please, Nicholas.

Please be there.

I need you.

Chapter 38

I had followed the usher like in a dream. The seconds had ticked away so slowly and suddenly, without any warning, time had condensed to leave me trembling behind the heavy blue curtains which guarded the fated stairwell. The sounds from the guests were rising to the hallway were I waited to be called. When I'd arrived, a petite brunette in a red ball gown was disappeared behind the curtain under a roar of claps. I had not been able to help but remark that her dress was made of a whole lot more material than mine.

My stomach contracted again, loud enough to cover the music and the voices.

I blamed it on hunger, but my inner voice wasn't fooled. It was plain old stress, I was getting the jitters. That sounded too negative, I decided. Let's call it trepidation.

I heard my name, or at least I think I did. My fingers were shaking, my teeth were chattering.

The curtain rose. There was no one left except me. It must be for me.

I held my breath and my head high. The light beyond the curtain was blinding compared to the dimness of the hallway.

I plastered a smile on my face, beauty queen style. Even mom would have been proud.

One last deep breath.

And I crossed the threshold into the light.

The crowd was even larger than I had expected. I stood still, taken aback by the eerie silence. All eyes were on me. I began my descent, my cheeks straining against my smile. I breathed slowly through my nose, trying to swallow the threatening wobble in my throat. The time was playing tricks again, this time it seemed it had stopped.

One step at a time.

The spotlight followed me in this suspended dream.

Would I see him? Had he noticed me? There were so many people. The music was a buzz in my ears, my feelings magnified in the shadowless brightness. Please Nicholas, I need to see you one last time. My heat marked the beat of the seconds which separated us.

A deafening cheer broke the mass reverie, the clamoring was unanimous.

I barely heard them though.

Time picked up but my heart stopped. My anxiety vanished. He was breathtaking.

How could I have worried about finding him? He stood out, magnificent in black and silver, a rock in a sea of brightly coloured boys. The silver of his eyes was white hot and fixed on me.

I shivered, I shook, and the final steps were a distant memory when he held my hand at the end of the stairs. I didn't know what the room looked like, I couldn't look away from him. He whisked me away to dance and the relief raked through my chest. His arms were laced around me once again. Only then did I realize just how much I'd come so close to losing.