The Belle Of Coeur D'Alene

We rushed through breakfast and took a taxi the short distance to the ferry. I was both surprised and somewhat uneasy that Alain was there. No one else seemed to pay much attention to him; they just accepted his presence. He was very nice about it and asked if it was okay if he tagged along. When we got on the ferry he sat next to me. The boat was crowded so his leg was right up against mine. I tried to move over a little but Benny was right against me on the other side.

It turned out to be a lot of fun. The snorkeling was fantastic and the trees were teeming with parrots. For lunch we took a taxi in to the downtown area – about three blocks by six blocks. We ate at an Italian place that had delicious thin crust pizzas. Betty ordered a beer - I think it was Victoria - for both of us but I didn't like it. Alain said I should try a Cuba Libre. I didn't know what it was but it tasted like a coke on ice although maybe a little sweeter. It was easy to drink so I had a couple of them.

We went back to the park and mostly just lay in the sun. Alain was nice to me. He knew I wasn't much of a drinker so he suggested I try a gin and tonic. He said he would have the bar guy make them very weak and assured me they would be refreshing on a hot day. I liked them better than the other thing, the Cuba something. That was too sweet but this was refreshing. It had a nice clean taste. Alain was nice and got me another one whenever I was thirsty. Betty was drinking Margaritas and I didn't want to drink that - it was way too strong for me!

The ferry was even more crowded on the way back and the water was choppy. I was squashed between Alain and Betty and I kept bouncing against Alain. Several times he put his hand on my leg to steady me. It didn't seem right but I was feeling so relaxed ... I had never felt so mellow before.

We got back to the dock in Cancun and Betty said we should all go dancing later. We had to meet her parents for dinner and afterwards she wanted to go to Poco Loco for dancing. Betty said it was a very famous nightclub with entertainment and live dance bands. I didn't want to go until she said they had live acrobats, something like circus show in Las Vegas. I had never seen it or even been to Vegas before but Betty had been there with her parents and had told me many times how fantastic it was.

We had a nice dinner with Betty's mom and dad at the hotel and went up to the suite for a nap. The show didn't start until 10:30 at night! I had never gone anywhere that late and I was getting excited. I didn't think I would be able to sleep but I dozed off in a few minutes.

We were meeting the guys there so Betty and I took a taxi.

"Kath, this place is so neat. Don't worry about the cover charge; mom gave me the money for that. Besides the show, this is a disco – but they don't have a dance floor! People dance on the walkways, tables, chairs, just about any place they can find. It is really wild and you will love it."

The guys, Benny, Ricard and Alain, were waiting for us inside the entry. We watched the show first. After the acrobats, they had impersonators of Madonna and Brittney Spears. It was funny - at least I was laughing a lot. Alain was nice and kept bringing me more gin and tonic whenever I ran out.

We started dancing and somehow got separated from Betty. Alain and I were towards the back of the club and mostly dancing. Everything seemed a little hazy – maybe we were just dancing slowly - and the lights were very dim in this part of the club. I felt light headed again; it wasn't unpleasant at all. I kept giggling over nothing but Alain didn't seem to mind.

He kissed me a couple of times and it seemed sweet. Alain kept bringing me drinks but since they were mostly tonic water (as he kept assuring me) it was okay.

"Alain, I feel a little bit dizzy!"

"It's okay, honey; it just that it's kind of warm in here. Have one more drink and I'll take you back to your hotel."

TERROR IN THE NIGHT

"Rape is not just pushy lovemaking."

- Mason Cooley

I was having trouble breathing. I felt ... disoriented, hurt. I was dizzy and nauseous. I came slowly to realize something heavy was on me, pummeling me. I fought to open my eyes and what I saw made me close them in anguish. Alain was raping me! I tightly closed me eyes, wishing I were anywhere but here, that I was anyone but me.

I felt no pleasure, only disgust and pain. And shame. Oh, God, help me!

The weight on my body shifted, went away. I heard Alain stomping to the door, and then a loud creak and a soft thud as the door closed.

The room was half dark from a light in another room. The walls and ceiling were tracked with mildew, making crazy bizarre patterns. There was a lizard, motionless, frozen on one wall, staring at me as if I were invading his home. The sheets were ... disgusting. Suddenly queasy I staggered to the light, hoping it was a bathroom. I retched a little but nothing came up – it came to me suddenly I had nothing to eat since lunch. I washed my face off with the rusty water from the faucet. The towel was too filthy to use, so I half walked, half crawled back to the room.

My clothes were in a bunch on the floor and I struggled to put them on, starting to be aware enough to feel panic that Alain would come back. I couldn't find my shoes and my purse was on a dresser scarred with the burns of countless cigarettes. The front window was open, the curtain in rags fluttering in the faint breeze off the ocean. Hearing voices in front of the room I moved quietly beside the curtain. It sounded like Benny and Alain talking.

"So you have the camera and lights ready?"

"Yeah, shall we get started?"

"No, she's stupid drunk now. We want the films of the rape showing her fighting, showing the pain and anguish on her face. The pain is what sells these movies. Give her another hour and try to wake her up. Stick her in a cold shower if you have to.

"The stuff for her to wear is in the bag here. You know the shots I want. Rip her clothes off but not too fast. Make it good! I've had my pleasure – even though she was more or less comatose. Have Ricard take her first. You will have to change the sheets so it will look like she is a virgin. After the shot splash a little of the chicken blood to make it look good. If Arturo ever finds out I've been taking them first he'll have my balls.

"When you finish, clean her up, put on her own clothes and take her to the yacht. Jesus will take her to Aruba. I think she is scheduled for Colombia – one of the drug guys wants a new toy. You okay with everything?"

"Yeah, Klaus. It's not like we haven't done this before."

"Okay, I'll take off. One of you stays in front of the cabin until you are ready to start filming to make sure no one comes by. Let her sleep for a while to give her a chance to sober up a little. Give her a cold shower if you have to. And goddamn it, Benny, leave her alone until you start filming!"

I froze for a minute, shocked and scared at what was said. Indecisive, I looked around the room and seeing my shoes in the corner I started moving. I grabbed the shoes and my purse and went into the small bathroom where I had remembered seeing a window. It was tight but I managed to wiggle through. In back of the cabin, there were some debris and palm trees and off to the side I could hear the pounding of the surf.

As quietly as I could, I moved until I reached the sand. In the distance I could see some bright lights, maybe a mile away. Looking over to the cabins I could see a porch light and someone standing there smoking a cigarette. I carefully moved down the slope to the edge of the water until I couldn't see the light anymore. I walked hunched over for about five minutes and then started running, falling a couple of times, running for the lights.

It took a long time before I could see a hotel taking shape. I slowed as I got there and saw people dining under a large palapa with the hotel looming in the darkness. I made it over to the bathroom by the quiet swimming pool, finally throwing up in the toilet. I was shaking and felt cold; my brain seemed numb. I cleaned up as best I could and walked through the hotel to the lobby. I asked a young man standing by the front door for a taxi. He assumed I was a guest and asked where I wanted to go. He took me out front and opened the door for me.

Riding back to the hotel, I stifled my sobs, not wanting to alarm the driver. I tried to put it all together but parts were just a blur. I did remember that I had started feeling woozy at the club and hadn't drunk several of my drinks. I remembered Alain going to the rest room and I was feeling full so I put my drink on another table and took an empty glass. Another time I took my glass to the ladies room and dumped it out.

I understood now that Alain had been lying to me all along and that the drinks were a lot stronger than he had said. I guess I had been very naïve. More than that, I had just been plain dumb. But I think dumping those drinks saved me from some horror even worse than what had happened. And Benny calling Alain, "Klaus?" What was that? I was starting to get scared again. Finally the taxi pulled up in front of our hotel. I gave the driver some money Betty had given me and I put the change in my purse without looking at it. The clock on the taxi showed 3:22.

The door opened and I got out to face the rest of my life!

HOME SAFE?

"How cams't thou in this pickle?"

- Shakespeare, The Tempest V,i,281

As I entered the lobby I saw Betty's parents, Tal and Allison, standing there with a man with grey slacks and a blue blazer with the hotel logo on the pocket. I walked up to them, suddenly trembling and I started crying. Allison put her arms around me, holding tight. Somehow they got me up to the suite.

The blue blazer guy came up also; he was in charge of security for the hotel. I was able to gasp out part of what happened. Allison got a blanket and wrapped me up while Betty's dad and the security guy, Oscar, Tal had called him, went out in the hallway to confer.

Tal came back a few minutes later.

"Kathy, we need to do a couple of things if you feel up to it, okay?"

"I'm cold and I don't feel good." It didn't come out like that; I was shivering and stuttering badly.

"Okay. Allison, please call down for some hot chocolate. Kathy, you need to have a doctor come see you. Can we do that first?"

I nodded. The chocolate came up in a few minutes and just as I finished it the doctor arrived. She took me into my bedroom and had me sit down.

"I'm Doctor Alvarez but please call me Taña. Do you know what a rape kit is?"

I nodded and she continued.

"Okay. I'll take a swab for the police and I'll give you an exam. Then you can take a hot shower and we will get you to bed. Okay, Kathy?"

I nodded again and at her directions went into the bathroom to take my clothes off and put on the heavy terrycloth robe. I came back and lay down. The exam was a little uncomfortable but was over very fast. She was gentle and kept talking with a soothing voice, explaining what she was doing.

"Okay, chica. I don't see anything major. You do have some bruising and a small tear in your vagina that will need a couple of stitches. I want you to take a hot shower and clean up before I do that. I understand a woman will be here shortly to talk to you. I'll tell her she has five minutes. Cancun has a special unit for sexual crimes and all the officers are women. The one coming to see you is Maribel Peña, and I have worked with her before. She is very nice."

The doctor left to get the policewoman and was back in a minute.

"Kathy, this is María Isabel Peña, but she would like you to call her Maribel. I've explained to her that she should just ask you urgent information right now. Do you feel up to this?"

At my nod, she sat in a chair over by the window.

"Kathy, I'm sorry this happened to you. Do you know who did this?"

"Yes, it was a man called Alain. I think his last name is Allègre. But I heard someone else call him Klaus."

Maribel looked at me sharply. "Is he in his mid-twenties, tall, long dark hair?"

I nodded, and added, "His hair was wavy, like it was styled and he was nice looking, almost pretty."

"Can you tell me briefly what happened?"

"He had been coming around and was very nice to everyone. He introduced himself to us when he heard me speaking French. Oh, and by the way, he also speaks some other languages: Italian, and I think German for sure. His Spanish was okay but didn't seem fluent.

"He would have me try drinks that he said I would like. He told me that they didn't have much alcohol, but I can see now he was lying to me. Last night Betty and I went to Poco Loco and he and two of Betty's friends, Ricard and Benny met us there. Alain kept bringing me drinks and I guess he was trying to get me drunk. I wasn't feeling good and he said he would take me back to my hotel, but I must have passed out. I was able to get rid of a couple of the drinks ... thank God I did!

"I woke while he was ... was on top of me. He ... oh, God!"

"That's okay, Kathy. Can you tell me where this happened?"

"It was about a mile or so down the coast from the hotel where I took the taxi. I think that was in Playa Del Carmen. There was a palm tree by itself on the ocean side of the place and it leaned towards the water. I'm sorry ... I can't ... "

"Maribel, I think she has had enough for tonight. You can talk to her again in the morning. Kathy, please take this pill now. You should sleep fine."

I took the pills and ... the bright morning sun was lying to me about bringing sunshine into my life.

THE FIRST DAY OF NEVER

"Weep I cannot, but my heart bleeds."

- Shakespeare, The winters Tale III,iii,50

Betty was next to me on the bed; she must have been there all night. Her face was streaked with tears and the pillow was damp. Her skin was mottled with red splotches. It was clear that she had cried a great deal when I had disappeared. Knowing Betty, I was sure she blamed herself.

I quietly eased off the bed and into the shower. With the water as hot as I could stand, tears came to my eyes as I thought about last night. I started sobbing but something came over me, something hard and implacable, something with ... hate in it. I knew I would cry no more but I would carry last night in my heart forever. What happened last night was not Kathy; I was someone different!

I walked out of the bathroom dressed and dry eyed. Betty had heard the shower and was sitting in the chair with her robe on. She looked at me uncertainly for a minute, then rushed and held me tight, whispering over her sobs.

"Kathy, I'm so sorry. I feel so bad we got separated; it was just ... "

Pulling back a little I wiped her tears off.

"Betty, it wasn't your fault. It just happened ... I made a mistake."

I added more to myself than to her, "A mistake I'll never make again!"

We talked for a while - until someone knocked on the door. I'm not sure either of us felt any better but no one was crying now.

Opening the door I let Taña, the doctor in. I could see Maribel sitting on the sofa in the living room part of the suite.

"Kathy, you need to talk to the police woman some more. Maybe with your help we can catch them. Before we go out I want to make sure you are all right. Do you have any pain from the stitches?"

"No, it just itches a little."

"I'll give you some antibiotic cream – it will stop any itching and make sure there is no chance of infection. Are you okay to talk?"

I responded with an abrupt "yes," a coldness in my voice.

Taña looked at me for a minute, a soft sadness in her eyes and led me into the living area.

I told them in more detail everything that had happened, a sour bitterness creeping into my voice.

I don't remember too much of it now – just the hate and bitterness that had taken over that part of me that was supposed to be soft and full of love. It's mostly just flashes of that day and the next before we were able to leave for home, mostly things Maribel had to say:

We caught Ricard and Benny as they were leaving on a boat. We will videotape your depositions so you can go back to California.

This is unfortunately becoming typical, this targeting young, vulnerable girls.

Klaus - you knew him as Alain - has apparently left the country. I know a guy that owes me a favor that can get a message to Arturo - that's Arturo Mendoza - about what he has been doing with the girls. I wouldn't want to be Klaus – Arturo isnot a nice guy.

I've talked to Oscar Fuentes, the security manager at the hotel here. We have been working on a program to work closer with the hotels, both on security measures and making the hotel staff aware of 'situations'.

There was more but I guess I've blocked it out of my mind.

We got home and it was hard with mom. She was furious with Betty's parents; she blamed them. Betty wasn't comfortable coming around and we started drifting apart.

I was in my room most of the time – I'd try to read but I just kept starting at the page, the words becoming unfocused. My doctor was treating me for depression but I drifted through each day, one like another, days tainted with a nebulous darkness.

It all came together, and apart, on the day I found out I was pregnant. It took a while for me to figure out what had happened but Mom must have pulled in the garage as I cut my wrist. She had a funny feeling when she came in the house; she couldn't describe it, just that "things didn't feel right."

She got a bandage wrapped tightly around my wrist. That combined with the blade being not too sharp and my pathetic swipe kept me alive until the paramedics arrived.

I had to do some counseling ... it seemed to help some. What surprised me, I meanreally surprised me, was that thought that I had about killing two people. I started getting interested in having a baby, becoming a mother. I started focusing on my little boy (somehow it seemed like it must be a boy) and that was a distraction for me. I stopped thinking so much about myself and started thing about the baby.

Mom seemed to be about as depressed as I was and wasn't much help. She had kind of accepted what had happened in Cancun and even my being pregnant. What really bothered her was my trying to kill myself. I told her over and over that I was over that and that I was falling in love with my baby. I think she accepted that, at least in her mind, but she still watched me constantly and didn't want to leave me alone.

I don't know how things would have turned out but everything changed when I was about four months along. Mom was talking to her brother in Idaho and lost it and started crying. I was reading a book so I picked up the phone and talked to Uncle Sean. I told him what had happened and about the baby and all. By that time, mom had settled down and talked to him again, for a long time.

The next morning at breakfast, the rest of my life happened!

"Honey, Sean wants you to move to his ranch to have the baby. Afterwards you can either stay there or come home. I think it will be good for you to get away from here and see new faces. He has babysitting for his dude ranch customers so that will help a lot. He said he would find a job for you; he mentioned he needed a hostess for the restaurant. What do you think, Kathy?"

Well, I thought it sounded great. The one time I had spent the summer there, I had loved the place and my aunt and uncle. The cowboys had fussed over me, both teasing me and watching out for me.

A week later my mother made the long drive to Idaho. She stayed for a couple of days and we parted in a vale of tears when she left.

WILLOW, WEEP FOR ME

"'Guess now who holds thee?' - 'Death,' I said.

But there, the silver answer rang, ... 'Not Death, but Love.'"