The Belle Of Coeur D'Alene

He came out on that Sunday morning in time for brunch – this was a specialty of the Bar None – and we sat down. It was pretty crowded; this was one of the events that presaged spring and for the large area north of Coeur D'Alene was a highlight of the winter.

I had the day off since I had a sort of date and they were having a wedding later. My cousin Marcie was watching the baby. She was thirteen now and I really trusted her. Besides, my cabin was just a few minutes away.

Kenny and I had already gone through the buffet line and were sitting down. I usually didn't drink anything but Kenny talked me into a Mimosa. I looked up and saw Tom Lane walking in the door and he looked my way and made eye contact. His eyes sparkled as he started walking towards me.

Kenny decided on that moment, of all possible moments, to give me a big hug and plant a wet kiss on my lips. I felt like an Eskimo being kissed by a walrus! I hated, beyond hating, to be demonstrative. I don't know if it was what happened or if I was shy or what, but I pushed Kenny away from me.

I looked over at Tom and saw ... first shock, then pain on his face. He stumbled a little then half walked, half ran out of the restaurant. I didn't see him again for six months! I lost sleep thinking about what that expression on his face meant. For the first time in my life I wondered what love was really all about.

I felt strange. Tom had no hold on me and I certainly had no hold on him but the pain I saw on his face hurt me as much as him. I knew then he was someone special and looked at Kenny with something akin to hatred for the unknowingly awful thing he had done to Tom.

I got through lunch somehow – Kenny seemed less attractive now, almost petulant. He hadn't seen Tom but I guess I was giving off strange signals with my body language.

After lunch we had planned to go for a horseback ride. The high trails were still snow covered but the valley floor was pretty dry. I knew Kenny hadn't ridden much so I had asked Curley to pick him out a gentle horse. When we got to the corral, my mare, Betty (yes, she gave me a hard time about that!) and the old gelding, Topper, were both ready to go.

Kenny took a look at Topper and saw he was not a young horse and started whining.

"I want areal horse."

We had an appaloosa, Streak, a stallion we kept around for breeding in the next corral – a really beautiful but wild animal. Kenny looked over and imperiously said, "I want that one!"

I tried, I really did. "Kenny, that horse... "

Curley was standing there, an interesting look on his face. "Mister, you shore nuff got an eye for horseflesh! Why, with one glance you see the best animal on the ranch!"

I started again, "Kenny ... "

"Dammit, Kathy, I know what I want and I want that horse."

He turned to Curley and demanded that he saddle the horse. Curley put his hand over his mouth, and finally blurted out, "Sure thing, boss! You sure know them hosses!"

After Curley saddled the horse, shaking his head when I looked at him, Kenny stepped up on the horse.

Surprisingly Streak gently walked out of the corral, but as soon as he was through the gate he started bucking like a rodeo horse. Kenny immediately took a flying leap, and of course appropriately landed in a pile of ... well, let's just say the hands had been mucking out the stalls.

The hands started on their guffawing like there was no tomorrow. Since we had a dude ranch they were used to raw greenhorns, but they hated a know-it-all. The first word that came to my mind was asshole! I had learned to be a lot more descriptive since I had left Sherman Oaks, and I wasn't, like, a Valley Girl anymore.

As Kenney tried to extricate himself from the muck, Marcie brought Billy to me, as I had wanted to introduce my baby to Kenny. Curley weakened and held his hand out to help Kenny out. As Kenny stood up, he looked over at me, catching me with a grin on my face, holding my son. He looked at Billy and then at me, flicking his eyes back and forth a couple of times.

With an icy tone I'd never heard from him before he asked, "This isn't your baby, is it?"

"Kenny, I was getting ready to introduce you two. I know you'll like him!"

Kenny gave me a look I could only describe as dirty, continued, "You gave me a wild horse and you didn't tell me you had a kid?"

He stepped closer to me and I was still trying not to laugh. I thought I had really liked him – maybe even thought that he was 'the one,' but of a sudden I realized he was pathetic. I was musing over that, maybe I was even sneering, God forbid, when Kenny gave me a shove and Billy and I fell into the pile/puddle of horse manure as he stalked away!

Everyone was shocked and there was a sudden silence. I looked up, Billy and I both covered with the foul smelling muck, and handed Billy to Marcie. I caught Curley's eye and we started laughing hysterically. Curley helped me up and led me back to my cabin, turning kindly away at the cabin so Billy and I could get our clothes off. We both knew none of these clothes would ever be worn again!

Later, after Marcie had helped me clean up Billy and put him to bed, I sat on the porch, chuckling at how people were so different. I had a flash memory of Tom walking out of the restaurant with tears in his eyes. I started crying, there on the porch in the gloom of the night and finally went into the cabin to search for an elusive sleep.

Long I tossed in the night, remembering words, glances, and by morning I knew two things: Tom was the love of my life and I had thrown away that love for a silly, girlish infatuation!

LOVE DENIED

"And ruined love, when it is built anew,

Grows fairer than at first, more strong, far greater."

-Shakespeare Sonnet 138,1

Visiting the ranch with Annie that weekend was sad. I had a manager and a couple of hands run the place for me. Sherry, the manager's wife, cleaned the house whenever I told her I was coming out. She would also take care of my little girl when I needed her.

I don't know why I was missing Sara Jane so much at this particular time – well, I really did but I didn't want to face up to it. When I walked into that restaurant at the Bar None a few days ago it was with great news and I wanted to share it with my friends Sean and Mary. And with Kathy also.

I was being given the Coeur D'Alene district of the Idaho Fish and Game. This was a much larger district than what I had before and I wouldn't have time for training anymore. The change came with a promotion and more money. I would be moving back to Coeur D'Alene where I first met Sara Jane.

I guess I hadn't thought things out. I had felt such a great connection with Kathy Belle when I told her my story, the story of Sara Jane and our child, Annie. I know we hadn't really talked but I was sure there was something there to build on. She was the first woman I'd met that started me thinking I might find love again.

Then I walked into that restaurant, big smile and all and saw ... a guy kissing Kathy with more than a little enthusiasm. I was confused, then flustered, then – empty! It was such a desolate feeling I didn't really know how to deal with it so I just left. Left, hell! I ran out tail nicely tucked between my legs. I didn't even know she was dating anyone. And now, well, it looked like I wasn't going to get that chance to get to know her like I wanted to.

Sunday morning I took Annie up the hill, holding her small hand in mine. The sun was already warm that sunny May morning and the Weeping Willow was glorious with its shiny new leaves and the bright gold of the stems spreading their treasure.

We stopped by Sara Jane's grave and sat quietly. The shade from the big tree was cool and the air still. Annie was holding some flowers I'd given her and she put them at the foot of the marker. She looked at the stone and then at me. She was four now and knew that her mother was buried there but she didn't really remember her anymore.

She took my hand and asked in a calm, serious voice, "Daddy, will I ever have a mommy again? I really want one."

I swept her into my arms, holding her tightly. She pulled away and looked up at me, the question still in her eyes.

"Honey, you understand that we can't get you a new mommy unless it's someone we love. You see that, Annie?"

That got me a slow nod.

"The other part, Annie, is that person has to love us too, okay?"

"But daddy, I love you!" With the logic of a four year old, she continued, "Daddy, if I love you then our new mommy will!"

I smiled at that, wishing it were so easy, and gave her a big hug.

A couple of weeks later we moved permanently back onto the ranch. It was a longish drive into town: about forty minutes in the summer and ten minutes or so longer in the winter. The district station in Coeur D'Alene was on Kathleen Avenue – not quite Kathy but close enough to make me smile every time I saw the street sign. I already knew everyone so I was able to settle in quickly. I found a pre-school for Annie and I would leave her with Sherry at the ranch when I was in the field.

Several months later one of my agents reported that there were complaints from the Nez Percé reservation south of town about some guys poaching on one of the streams. I called Henry and asked him to get all the info he could. A week later he called me – my agent was fairly inexperienced. Bob, my agent, and I drove down to the reservation to meet with Henry.

We set up the arrest for the next weekend. I called a couple of guys in for backup and we met for lunch to plan everything out. Friday night, Bob and I drove down to the reservation and had dinner with Henry and Aunt Sophie. Bob seemed to struggle with it since it really wasn't fast food.

The two guys that were providing backup met us for breakfast and we worked out a plan. I wanted Bob to make the arrest so I held back by the entrance to the campground. The other two guys were supporting Bob.

I heard some yelling and a couple of shots followed by a racing car engine. A Jeep Cherokee, bright red, tore out of the campground area racing for the exit. I had my gun out and when I saw the jeep I fired a shot in the air. The jeep swerved and raced right at me. I pointed my pistol at them but when push came to shove it was shoot the driver or jump. I jumped! Unfortunately, I was a trifle too late and the Cherokee clipped my leg. I was stunned but later - when I woke up and they were putting me in the ambulance – I found out that my femur was broken in two places!

It turned out they ran because they had drugs and unregistered handguns in their car. I did get the license number, Montana plates, and we wound up with some good arrests. I wonder why that didn't make my leg feel better? I was wearing that cast for three months before I got a walking cast and started therapy. I couldn't go into the field but was able to do office work. I had to have someone drive me around until I got the walking cast.

I was intensely busy with paperwork for a few months and then things settled down somewhat. It was now October but the weather was holding pretty well. I was working on a report when my secretary stepped in.

"There's someone to see you, Tom. He says he is an old friend."

It turned out to be Sean.

"Howdy, stranger! Welcome back to Coeur D'Alene."

"What's with the cane?" (He knew what had happened but he liked to give me a hard time.) He gave me a big hug and we wound up going to lunch. We caught each other up on events and finally I got a chance to ask about Kathy.

"She's doing really good, smarter than a whip! She's got our office all straightened out. She will finish her studies in Sandpoint next semester and then she wants to come down here to go to school. Say, are you interested in her?"

I changed the topic and we never got back to my interest in Kathy. Before he left, he invited me to come out to the ranch for Thanksgiving. It was the one day they were closed and made it a big meal with all the ranch hands and their families. A few close friends were also invited so it was nice of him to ask me. I agreed and told him I'd bring Annie with me.

I hoped Kathy was happy with her guy. I kept thinking he'd better treat her right, or ... well, something. I was trying not to think about her and was fairly successful during the day. At night I was lonely. Many nights were too hard, too long, and too sad. I spent a lot of time with Annie. She was growing so fast and was becoming more and more a companion to me.

I wasn't sure whether to look forward to Thanksgiving or not. I thought about not going but in the end I went. The cast was off but I had a bad limp. We got out of the car and started walking towards the lodge. Annie kept tugging on my hand but I couldn't keep up with her. Finally Marcie saw us and took Annie away so I could talk with Sean and Mary.

DREAMS OF LOVE

"Ask your heart what it doth know."

- Shakespeare, Measure for Measure II,ii,137

"Kathy! Look what I have!"

I looked up from changing the diaper for Billy and saw Marcie with a young girl. She was really pretty and somehow looked familiar.

Marcie looked at me like I wasn't very smart and said, "This is Tom Lane's girl, Sara Anne, but everyone calls her Annie. Let me finish with Billy and you can talk to her."

I took Annie's hand and we went out on the front porch. It was a little cool but Annie had a warm coat and I had a sweater. The sun felt a little warm on the porch out of the slight breeze.

"Annie, where is your Daddy?"

She looked at me as if she were trying to decide whether it was okay to share the answer with me and finally pointed down to the restaurant.

She opened up after a few minutes and we talked about the sorts of things you talked with little girls about. I stood up to get Billy and Marcie so we could walk down the hill. I really wanted to see Tom.

As we walked down the hill with Annie's small hand in mine, Tom stepped off the porch, I guess looking for his daughter. He was walking with a cane and had a noticeable limp. My heart in my throat, I suddenly stopped as Tom looked up at us.

Annie looked at me to see why I had stopped, looked at her dad and back at me, like she was trying to figure something out.

"Are you my new mommy?"

Tears in my eyes I squatted down and gave her a hug. "Annie, would you like to be my little girl?"

Stubbornly, she continued, "Do you love me? Daddy said my new mommy had to love me."

Wiping my eyes I said, "Everyone would love a pretty girl like you?"

"Do you love me?"

"Yes, Annie, I do."

"Do you love daddy?"

Giving her an honest answer, I replied, "I'm not sure. I would like to find out though."

As I said that, Tom had reached us so I stood up.

"What was that all about?"

Assuming he was taking about my talk with Annie, I just smiled and said primly, "Just girl talk! And what happened to your leg?"

"Let's go sit inside the restaurant. It's a little cold out here and it makes my leg ache. I'll tell you everything over a cup of coffee."

He picked Annie up and gave her a big hug. She whispered something in his ear and he looked at me and smiled. This was followed by a flash of what looked like pain – maybe his leg ... maybe not.

Tom put Annie down and we walked slowly down to the restaurant and went inside. He looked around a little like he was looking for someone.

Looking back at me he said, somewhat hesitantly, "Is your friend here today?"

His voice cracked a little on the 'friend' part.

"Marcie, would you play with Annie for a few minutes? Tom, please go sit at that table by the window. I'll get us some coffee."

Marcie took Annie and Billy back to the kitchen where all the action was going on. We kept a stroller on the porch off the kitchen so I knew she and the kids would be okay.

I got a pot of coffee and two mugs. The fixings were already on the table. I sat down across from Tom. I looked at him for a longish minute. He met my eyes briefly and turned to look out the window nervously.

"Tom, please look at me. The guy you saw me with was one of my professors. I went on a few dates with him and there might have been something there. What you saw that night last year wasn't something I wanted at that time and wasn't expecting. Whatever there might have been was finished when I found out he didn't like kids and he found out that I had one.

"I know you were hurt that night and I felt really bad about it. We never talked about our feelings and maybe we should have. I made a bad mistake that has taken a long time to get over and I don't want to make another one. I definitely like you and I know you like me. Is it love? Do we have a future together? I don't know but I'd like to find out."

Here Tom started smiling and took my hand.

I continued, "Let's just take it slow and see what happens. You know I have Billy, and you have an adorable daughter. Can we be friends?"

Seeing his face wince at the word 'friends', I continued with a laugh, "I meangood friends and we can use that as a starting point. I have heard a lot about your ranch and would like to see it."

He smiled again, and said with a chuckle, "Kathy, would you like to come visit my ranch?"

We talked for a while, getting to know each other better. He told me about his leg, some about the ranch and about his new job. I told him I would be starting school in Coeur D'Alene at Lewis-Clark State College in, hopefully, the spring semester, or the summer for sure.

In the middle of our talk Annie came back, sat by me and held my hand. She kept snuggling up and kind of leaning on me. She looked drowsy, so I put my arm around her and she fell asleep. Tom didn't look at all unhappy that Annie had seemed to adopt me.

Everyone gathered in the dining room for the big Thanksgiving dinner. As usual Sean and Mary had gone a little crazy and we had way too much to eat. All told with everyone that worked there, families, and friends there were around fifty people. I sat with Tom and Annie, Marcie, Curley with his wife and two kids, and Aunt Mary. Billy had fallen asleep in the stroller and I didn't have the heart to wake him up.

It was a great meal and the food was fantastic. There was a dessert table and people would wander around to say hi to everyone when they got up to satisfy their sweet tooth. I tried to be satisfied with a cherry pie from cherries grown and canned on the ranch. People sat around over coffee and talked.

Billy woke up and Tom held him for a while – I didn't ask, he just picked him up. He started fussing and Marcie took him to be changed and fixed him a bottle.

It was a wonderful day and everyone seemed so relaxed and happy. Tom wanted to walk me up to the cabin but I didn't want him to make the walk up the hill with his cane. We did agree that he would pick me up the next day since he didn't have work for the holiday. When he left he looked a little confused, like he didn't know whether to shake my hand or kiss me, so I reached up and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. He looked a little embarrassed since Aunt Mary was standing there and he grabbed Annie and left in his work truck.

I picked up Billy and walked up to the cabin, feeling warm in spite of a chilly wind. I lay awake for a long time thinking about how I had changed since I finished high school. I had been so shy but now I had no problem about speaking out to Tom. I smiled when I thought what I told him about how much I liked him. Maybe it was a little white lie because I liked him a lot more than I had said. I fell asleep remembering something Betty had said once, "A girl has to havesome secrets!"

I had pleasant dreams but couldn't remember what they were when I woke up. It was that I had this sense of peace and for the first time in my life was really liking myself and who I was. The only cloud on the horizon was my knowing that I had to tell Tom about Cancun. I knew he would never ask but if there was any future for us I wanted to start with honesty.